More Color!

I am completely exhausted.  I thought I was going to fall asleep standing up in my living room earlier while laughing at Stephen Cobert.  I am rarely so tired as I am tonight, but here I am over an hour later staring at my computer screen and slowly finding words to type.

I couldn't help it.  I just wanted to know if anyone had said a word to me on the ridiculous online dating site I semi-recklessly signed up for.  Especially since my dear friend Jordan issued a challenge last night, and in order to resolve it, I have to attempt to actually stick with this site for a little while and give it a chance.  Most everything in me would like to run screaming away from this because of all the "what if's" like "What if no one likes me?" "What if the guy I end up liking and actually agreeing to meet actually ends up to be a serial killer and he murders me before we even go to dinner?" "What if a guy asks me to meet him and then he turns out to be a total liar?"  "What if I find a great guy and then scare him off by being myself?" etc. etc. etc.

Yes, I am overthinking this.  It tends to be what I do in such moments, but at least I'm trying to do something different.  I keep hoping I'll realize I'm living through all the things that will be the 30 second or so worth of montage that shows all the steps I took to change something for the better in my life.  It really isn't a bad life, but I'd like it if I could fill it with more color.

Always more color.

So for now, good night.

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (12:05 AM CST):

• Tom Hiddleston reading Derek Walcott's Love After Love
• Knowing I should have a new bed set up to sleep on tomorrow night
• The game 1010! (I blame you for this, Caroline Walters!)
• Peyton Manning getting this super bowl win (He's still my favorite)
• That I can actually sleep in tomorrow!  Woo!
• Jordan's challenges & Nikky's hilarious encouragement and kindness
• Sleeeeeeeeeeeep

And the Darkness Could Not Comprehend It

Even though I'm exhausted and know I have to be up in a few hours, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this day. 

What is happening here?

At what crazy point did we tip the scales from occasionally horrific to seriously psychotic? I can't grasp this. I can't. My brain rejects this reality. I don't want my godsons, my nieces and nephews to have to grow up in a world like this. I don't want to be terrified of them traveling or to worry that they won't be safe inside their homes or churches or at work or school. I don't want them to live where they can't feel safe. 

Most of all, I don't want them to be afraid. 

I am afraid. Not so much for me, but for the people I love. I can't imagine losing someone in a tragedy like the San Bernardino shooting today or any of the seemingly endless police shootings or school shootings or hate crimes or protests that got violent or gang wars or any of this. 

What in a human being could ever switch off the ability to know compassion, kindness, and love to the point where you go and kill the innocents? What can you possibly gain with innocent blood?

NOTHING!

Nothing in the world. Or the next. 

How do you fight against something that is like a shadow creeping across creation?

I don't know what anyone else is going to do, and I'm not even real sure about me, but I do know this: I'm going to love with all I have till the day I die. I'll keep donating whatever I can (time, money, clothes, whatever); trying to show mercy and grace whenever I can; breathe deeply; express affection more freely; take more risks; and pray. 

I think if we all tried to be consciously kind and giving and willing to hear people out...it might help. 

I just want to be something good in this world and be a part of the light that the darkness does not comprehend. 

Poorly Plotted Discussion of Insanity

I cannot pretend to know the context of Spike's quote here because I am not far enough into Buffy, but I can say this, I understand those words. 

I have been looking at my heart lately and trying to see a future. I look at my heart, and I worry. I am not the woman I was a year ago, and I still haven't decided if that's something I can be happy about. 

A year ago I was scared because I knew I needed to find a new place, and I realized the little family I'd created, though completely fantastic, didn't need me like I needed them. This is not a bad thing. They were a unit, and they needed to be, but in the end that meant I needed to move. So I let myself get talked into moving even further from my family because I was told I'd have a home and a paying job. All I wanted was a job I could support myself with, and a home. 

I still am struggling to believe that I made a good decision. I'm struggling to believe that any of this is actually what God intended for me and that I didn't just screw it up. All I want is to know where I land is home, and to walk my path faithfully.

I know my heart. I know my desperately longings. I know the darkness I stave off and the darkness I am tired of fighting. There are days, too many days, where I wonder if I'm still human. I think it's the depression that tries to convince me that I'm a monster and that things won't turn around, but it's hard to say. 

I just want someone to hold up their end of a story or promise or idea. I'm sick of being the last one paid, the last one picked, and the one people use as a source and not the story. 

Either treat me like an adult and the "wonderful" person/friend/employee/lovable creature I am or tell me the truth: that I'm a jerk or a monster or not worth your time or whatever. At least then I will know what's worth giving up. 

In an attempt to start healing myself up (or to give myself a little time to do just that) I've decided not to text or contact the men in my life first. There are a few exceptions to these rules, but in an effort to stop pretending I'm important to at least one of these guys, I think it's wise to cut myself off. 

In an attempt to start clearing away the bitterness and "what if's" in another section of my life, I got the materials to make a gift for the new baby of an old flame/former best friend. I am hoping that if I can channel the residual good and love from our relationship into something for he and his wife's first kid...maybe I can finish walking away without tripping over a pit of my own bitterness, longing and loneliness. Maybe I'll actually heal a little. 

This may just be insanity or stupidity, but I hope these two ideas help. It would be nice to be in control of at least s little of my crazy. 

Favorite things of this very moment (1:27 am cst):

• The breeze coming through my window

• The sound of crickets

• Sleeping in my jean capris because I forgot to do laundry

• Having some good plans to look forward to this week

• Summer night sounds

• Vicks Puffs tissues

(17) Hotel

Climb into bed
smile at the room
this bed is giant,
cheerful cocoon
long road of travel
come to an end
Finally finished
this bed, a new friend
closed eyes & cheer
drift in the dreams
give us hope
& far better scenes