Darkness Heading for Light

There's so much.  I don't know where to start.

Right now I'm listening to Jack White sing while outside my windows I can hear the train running through town.  My computer is humming and every so often my phone screen lights up with words from someone who consistently makes me smile.  Life is alright.

Last week was a hellish nightmare that's still trying to cast a shadow on this week.  A friend of mine from childhood, Maggie and her sweet little boy, Amos were killed in a house fire that they're now looking at as a homicide.  My brain is still struggling to comprehend this loss, and it's triggered a series of nightmares and flashbacks to both Zuni's death and Heather's murder.  Maggie was nothing but kind and generous.  She was deeply loved by her friends and family, and I have so many great memories of her.

When we were 17, we were in an English class together, and throughout the course of this class, Maggie spent a lot of time encouraging me.  She knew I loved to write, and she made me make her a promise that when I published my first book that I would dedicate that book to her.  I have that book written, and I am working towards publishing it, I fully intend to keep my promise.  Whenever I've doubted my abilities, I have remembered her stubborn belief and faith in me.

When we were seniors in high school, Maggie nominated me for homecoming court.  I still laugh thinking about that because I was terrified to death that I'd even possibly have to be in front of the whole school.  Maggie told me she did it because I was one of the sweetest people she knew.

When we were 19, my best friend died.  At Zuni's visitation, I walked the line with his girlfriend, Amber, but then ended up walking the line with Maggie because she was scared of walking the line alone.  I warned her that it wouldn't look like Zuni.  It was his body, sure, but without his smile and light...it just looked like a doll with his gorgeous curly hair and his clothes.  I ended up telling her all the stories of times Zuni had embarrassed me and the ridiculous things he had done to make me laugh.  We laughed and cried through the whole line.

Maggie was one of those people who is magic in every life she touched.  Her kindness radiated out into the people around her.  I don't know a single person she befriended who doesn't feel like they were extraordinarily lucky to have called her their friend.  I am furious that her life has been cut short, and I've done my fair share of angry yelling and crying in the past week.  God and I have been having an ongoing conversation about justice and my hopes for the future.  I am praying that the police figure out what happened and can help bring closure and peace to all of us who are hurting, especially Mag's family and her sweet boyfriend.  This loss is unimaginable.

The fact that little Amos is gone to totally rips up my heart.  My godson, Quinny is the same age as Amos, and the idea of anything at all happening to Quin makes me hyperventilate.  I cannot imagine the hurt the family is going through.  He was Maggie's world.

*deep breath*


But let's move on to something on the opposite end of the spectrum ("Life and death! Death and life!  There's, like, a hair between them!"): Joel is engaged.

That's right.  My baby brother, the one I sang to sleep on a nightly basis for what felt like an eternity when he was tiny, is getting married.  I'm happy about this, but still struggling to catch up on comprehension for this.  His fiancee is a sweet, kind, hilarious girl named Lara who definitely is a great fit for him.  She adores his crazy and is incredibly encouraging of his creativity.  I like her.  Our folks like her.  We have family friends that gave her an incredibly high recommendation, so I believe she will be a good thing for him today as well as his future.  I'm looking forward to seeing where God takes them in this relationship.

I still find it hilarious that I had just told Nikky a week prior that I was pretty sure Joel was going to marry this girl.  I didn't see it on this timeline, but at least my discernment isn't completely askew.  Encouraging.

As far as the when and how of this marriage, they're still working all of that out.  Can't say I'm too worried about it.  I'll be there whenever it happens, and I'm looking forward to having another sister.  Especially one who understands my deep love for Firefly and Star Wars.  Glorious.


Ah yes, and finally, the best bits.  First, I am cancer free!  No cancer at all!  Precancerous cells?  Yes, that I do have.  Would these cells eventually turn into cancer?  Definitely, but not for many more years.  BUT since we caught it now, we should be able to prevent cancer from developing at all.  I am extremely grateful that I have finally found a doctor who understands what I'm dealing with being diagnosed with PCOS and who actually can explain what I'm dealing with, and who gives me actual hope for dealing with a condition that perpetually tries to complicate my life.  I'm finally on medications to manage my symptoms and help me live a healthier better life.  Plus, she was the one who called for the biopsy and now we're dealing with my precancerous cells.  It's a relief to know how to deal with this now instead of facing it it in the coming years.

No cancer.  Such beautiful words.


Now a confession, I actually returned to the crazy world of online dating.  This go round, I've had fewer totally creepy encounters with guys who think online dating is a way to access sex without having to romance or seduce a woman (or just pay for it...seriously man).  In fact, I'm not actually involved in online dating at all because I'm talking to a really kind guy who could well turn into the real deal.  The fact that he has been nothing but kind and funny and interesting and interested make everything better.  I am truly nervous about meeting him in person, but as I'm stupidly shy at times, I'm hoping I can manage complete sentences and not trip over anything on our first meeting.  Ha.  The fact remains, he's worth the risk, and I think he feels the same way about me.

Like I said, things have been crazy around here, but I can honestly say, things seem to be trying hard to get better.  I'd like to believe in the potential I'm seeing.

More Color!

I am completely exhausted.  I thought I was going to fall asleep standing up in my living room earlier while laughing at Stephen Cobert.  I am rarely so tired as I am tonight, but here I am over an hour later staring at my computer screen and slowly finding words to type.

I couldn't help it.  I just wanted to know if anyone had said a word to me on the ridiculous online dating site I semi-recklessly signed up for.  Especially since my dear friend Jordan issued a challenge last night, and in order to resolve it, I have to attempt to actually stick with this site for a little while and give it a chance.  Most everything in me would like to run screaming away from this because of all the "what if's" like "What if no one likes me?" "What if the guy I end up liking and actually agreeing to meet actually ends up to be a serial killer and he murders me before we even go to dinner?" "What if a guy asks me to meet him and then he turns out to be a total liar?"  "What if I find a great guy and then scare him off by being myself?" etc. etc. etc.

Yes, I am overthinking this.  It tends to be what I do in such moments, but at least I'm trying to do something different.  I keep hoping I'll realize I'm living through all the things that will be the 30 second or so worth of montage that shows all the steps I took to change something for the better in my life.  It really isn't a bad life, but I'd like it if I could fill it with more color.

Always more color.

So for now, good night.

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (12:05 AM CST):

• Tom Hiddleston reading Derek Walcott's Love After Love
• Knowing I should have a new bed set up to sleep on tomorrow night
• The game 1010! (I blame you for this, Caroline Walters!)
• Peyton Manning getting this super bowl win (He's still my favorite)
• That I can actually sleep in tomorrow!  Woo!
• Jordan's challenges & Nikky's hilarious encouragement and kindness
• Sleeeeeeeeeeeep