More Color!

I am completely exhausted.  I thought I was going to fall asleep standing up in my living room earlier while laughing at Stephen Cobert.  I am rarely so tired as I am tonight, but here I am over an hour later staring at my computer screen and slowly finding words to type.

I couldn't help it.  I just wanted to know if anyone had said a word to me on the ridiculous online dating site I semi-recklessly signed up for.  Especially since my dear friend Jordan issued a challenge last night, and in order to resolve it, I have to attempt to actually stick with this site for a little while and give it a chance.  Most everything in me would like to run screaming away from this because of all the "what if's" like "What if no one likes me?" "What if the guy I end up liking and actually agreeing to meet actually ends up to be a serial killer and he murders me before we even go to dinner?" "What if a guy asks me to meet him and then he turns out to be a total liar?"  "What if I find a great guy and then scare him off by being myself?" etc. etc. etc.

Yes, I am overthinking this.  It tends to be what I do in such moments, but at least I'm trying to do something different.  I keep hoping I'll realize I'm living through all the things that will be the 30 second or so worth of montage that shows all the steps I took to change something for the better in my life.  It really isn't a bad life, but I'd like it if I could fill it with more color.

Always more color.

So for now, good night.

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (12:05 AM CST):

• Tom Hiddleston reading Derek Walcott's Love After Love
• Knowing I should have a new bed set up to sleep on tomorrow night
• The game 1010! (I blame you for this, Caroline Walters!)
• Peyton Manning getting this super bowl win (He's still my favorite)
• That I can actually sleep in tomorrow!  Woo!
• Jordan's challenges & Nikky's hilarious encouragement and kindness
• Sleeeeeeeeeeeep

Happy Harvest-Candy-Ween

(This is a picture of Amber enjoying a marshmallow, and I feel this is a good example of what Harvest-Candy-Ween should be)

My roommate, Amber and I decided to create our own holiday. Neither of us are real big on Halloween because neither of us like creepy/scary-esque type things, but we both love fall and candy. We decided to create a holiday called Harvest-Candy-Ween. This holiday is going to be celebrated until we can figure out when we really should celebrate it. Meaning, we're currently celebrating Harvest-Candy-Ween even though this evening we're not really doing much of anything.

We do plan to have a party sometime soon that will include tasty things. Cookies, breads, candies, etc. We'll see what happens. We plan to have a variety of tasty things and hopefully people will bring junk over. It will be lovely.

If you guys come up with some ways you feel we should celebrate, you let me know. I think we're going to watch "A Very Potter Musical" and just dance badly and eat a lot of tasty food. Thoughts? Ideas?

Go, be free. Celebrate.

You have my love,

J

Confessions: Round 3

I know I've already done this, but I felt it was time to add to my confessions to you. This includes some confessions to myself to admit to the things that I just am not going to be here, now, or ever...even though I sometimes want to be:

First off, I will never be a super model. I will probably never be a size 10 even, but that will never stop me from trying to be in better shape than I currently am. I just need to accept my physical limitations and start appreciating myself for what I am.

I will never fully appreciate Thomas Pynchon the way my brother, David does. He's an incredible writer, but that doesn't mean I will ever go out and buy all his books to read for my own joy.

On the other hand, I will someday own the last 2 books of Rick Roirdan's The Olympians series because I could read the whole series every couple of months and be quite happy about it. I will also someday own the entire Harry Potter series because, let's face it, fantasy is good. And children's and young adult literature is sometimes far better than adults, and even if it's not, I enjoy it.

I will also never fully appreciate Nirvana, Rush, The Smashing Pumpkins, or most jazz, rock or punk as much as I would like to. I will, on the other hand, enjoy many, many country love songs, a variety of terrible hip-hop songs, and a lot of the Jonas Brothers' and Miley Cyrus' songs.

I don't plan to ever learn Spanish. Yes, there may be a chance I will someday, but only if it is unavoidable. I just don't find the language magical to my ears, and despite how "easy" it is supposed to be to learn, I struggled with it all through high school and still only understand a small variety of things. I am sorry to any and all of you who enjoy the language. I'm sure it is beautiful to many, but it doesn't ring true for me personally.

On the other hand, I will continue to save all my movie/theater/play/sports tickets in order to someday do some sort of strange art projects, and the same will be said of any fortunes from fortune cookies I collect.

Relationships, love, romance in general, fascinate me beyond measure even if I've had little experience with it on my own.

I believe that God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit are not the same being or a trinity of divine closeness of any kind. I believe that God is the father of Jesus. That God is divine and the only god. I believe that Jesus is God's son and was a mortal man. Not divine, but the man God used to save the world. I believe that the Holy Spirit is not a separate being unto itself. I believe it is God's holy power and that He uses it to work within us and through us.

I love sports and watching them, but I don't care if I miss games. Although, I really despise the Yankees because they have WAY too much money and the Patriots because they just never seem quite...uh...honest.

Yes...just a couple of errant thoughts.

Confessions

I'd like to confess.

I cry during children's movies. "Robots", "Mulan", "Matilda", and today it was at the end of "Horton Hears a Who" (and Jesse McCartney was the voice of Jojo...how cool is that).

I actually do like Celion Dion's song "My Heart Will Go On." Even if I have heard it roughly a million times and it's cheesy beyond reason.

On the other hand, I still have never watched all of "Titanic" though I once did watch the last 30 minutes and I laughed when Jack died. It was during my "I-hate-Leonardo-DiCaprio" phase. The phase where I rejected whatever was popular...like Hanson.

(Note: I actually do like some Hanson now...they're just so darn catchy.)

I've owned 2 laptops but never paid for either. I am blessed with people who love me.

I can quite easily eat an entire box of cheese-its in a single sitting. Or oreos for that matter.

I prefer my peanut butter and my chocolate separate. There are always exceptions, but for the most part it's true.

I once wrote a xanga entry about thinking about becoming a lesbian or bisexual because I felt that being more open about my thoughts would be healthy, and I also thought that if I was completely open about things like that that the boy I was in "love" with at the time would see that I truly was an amazing girl and worth pursuing. Instead my saying that lead people to think that was questioning my sexuality (haha...no), and, I think, put more distance between myself and the guy (though he claimed I was "brave"...ha).

My parents have never heard me swear. Ever. My father once did catch me writing a pretty angry and scared letter once, but he's never brought it up again. I do not swear often, but I do not deny that I do swear. (I've said stuff here for crying out loud, so I better not deny it.) It rarely is spoken aloud. I prefer the words "damn" and "hell" to anything else.

I find all potty humor gross. Ever once in awhile it's funny, but it's rare. Farting, poo, any of it...gross. Just not my kinda thing. It's probably good I didn't go into teaching kindergarten for a profession after all. ha.

I confess I did once consider running away. I'm not counting the time I said I would run away when I was about 5 or 6. I mean when I was 19 and my heart had been completely broken by the death of my best friend and I found myself driving around alone at night in the suburbs of Atlanta wishing I was old enough to go into bars alone. If I had had enough money in my account that night, I would have run, and God only knows what would have happened to me. I'm also glad I wasn't old enough to drink because that would have probably lead to me waking up next to someone I'd never seen before with an awful hangover the next morning.

I have never considered killing myself. Ever.

I confess that I rarely shave my legs during the winter. My skin is already crazy dry, and I find that shaving them just makes my legs feel itchy. I do honestly intend to shave them often when I'm married and therefore have a reason to have nice smooth legs.

I have been drunk once. Truly drunk. It was at Kayla Raper's bachelorette party this past summer. I drank more that one night than I've ever drunk at one time, and I don't intend to do that ever again. I will say though, it was an interesting experience.

I have been pseudo-engaged once. Jeff Leifheit told me he wanted to marry me and promised me many things, and I agreed. We talked about getting married all the time, and had names picked out for our kids, wedding plans made, and a whole life planned out. I wanted to marry him, and it still haunts me sometimes (more often than I'd like to admit). When I turned 22, all I could think about was how by that point I should've been graduating ABC and within a year Jeff and I should have been married. People change. But I hate him for that sometimes.

I confess that I once hit a car in the parking lot at M&M on Christmas Eve with my parents mini-van, and I never told them. That's why Jeff nicknamed me Crash.

I am a bit OCD. I like to have crayons lined up according to color (anything coloring related really...), I like things to be stacked according to size and shape, and generally like things in some kinda of order.

I confess that I am obsessed with lists. Grocery, playlists, books I want to read, movies I own, to-do, packing, etc.

I also confess that I never did watch the Scientific America special on Robots. I hate robots. Well, maybe not hate, but I don't like them very much. Not the talking, moving, think for themselves kind. They freak me out. I am scared of talking toys. I blame accidentally seeing part of "Gremlins" at the age of 4.

I confess that I am a very sexual being and that I often don't know what to do with the energy that's left as a result. I don't know what to do with myself or what project could help me refocus.

I am a sucker for poetry, especially if it's about love. And sad songs. And the music of boy bands of the late 90' through now (I'm listening to Westlife as I type this for crying out loud).

I also must confess that I occasionally drop by a couple of my guy friends facebooks and simply ponder. Not stalk because I avoid following what anyone does on facebook because that just makes me feel weirder than I already am, but there are a couple of guys whose relationship status is a continual interest to me, and who's pictures constantly make me feel inadequate.

I feel inadequate, and have been trying to keep myself from feeling like there's no way that I will be alone forever.

I confess that the only reason I have ever hated Valentine's Day is because I don't like being alone and I hate the commercialism that's just over sprouted out of it (but it's mostly that I don't like being alone).

And lastly, I confess that yesterday I ran over the lid to our garbage can while backing out of the driveway. It didn't break though, so I didn't feel like it really mattered if I brought it up.

Just wanted to get this off my chest. Good talk.