Words in Response to Nikky's "Love Me Like the World is Ending"

I was rereading your old blog entries again today (because that's the kind of creepy best friend I am), and this makes so much sense to me. I think of a lot of things when I think love, but I'm realizing it usually involves some kind of "at home" feeling.

You're right when you say that most of the time we aren't thinking about the other person in the relationship. We think of us...I know that's what I do. Even now, I'm feeling like a jerk because at 2am in the morning (and throughout a good portion of the rest of the day) my head flips through guys like I flip through pages of a favorite book. I know the pages so well, but I don't know where to begin or where to stop.Why is it so hard to just find one thing to focus your love on? And why am I constantly trying to fill the void in my heart with the love of guys or with poptarts instead of with God? No wonder I am left feeling empty. No wonder I can't stand myself about half the time. No wonder I have trouble being truly good. I want to be able to give real love. Wherever it's needed...why instead do I wallow in this selfish neediness?

I think it's time to rethink love and how I'm going about getting it. If I work on focusing on getting this love from God, on actually letting myself be loved by a God who truly loves me...I think I would be able to start loving myself and loving others for real. Not just this selfish facimile.

Thanks for your thoughts, Nik.

I miss you.

I love you.

J

Confessions: Round 3

I know I've already done this, but I felt it was time to add to my confessions to you. This includes some confessions to myself to admit to the things that I just am not going to be here, now, or ever...even though I sometimes want to be:

First off, I will never be a super model. I will probably never be a size 10 even, but that will never stop me from trying to be in better shape than I currently am. I just need to accept my physical limitations and start appreciating myself for what I am.

I will never fully appreciate Thomas Pynchon the way my brother, David does. He's an incredible writer, but that doesn't mean I will ever go out and buy all his books to read for my own joy.

On the other hand, I will someday own the last 2 books of Rick Roirdan's The Olympians series because I could read the whole series every couple of months and be quite happy about it. I will also someday own the entire Harry Potter series because, let's face it, fantasy is good. And children's and young adult literature is sometimes far better than adults, and even if it's not, I enjoy it.

I will also never fully appreciate Nirvana, Rush, The Smashing Pumpkins, or most jazz, rock or punk as much as I would like to. I will, on the other hand, enjoy many, many country love songs, a variety of terrible hip-hop songs, and a lot of the Jonas Brothers' and Miley Cyrus' songs.

I don't plan to ever learn Spanish. Yes, there may be a chance I will someday, but only if it is unavoidable. I just don't find the language magical to my ears, and despite how "easy" it is supposed to be to learn, I struggled with it all through high school and still only understand a small variety of things. I am sorry to any and all of you who enjoy the language. I'm sure it is beautiful to many, but it doesn't ring true for me personally.

On the other hand, I will continue to save all my movie/theater/play/sports tickets in order to someday do some sort of strange art projects, and the same will be said of any fortunes from fortune cookies I collect.

Relationships, love, romance in general, fascinate me beyond measure even if I've had little experience with it on my own.

I believe that God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit are not the same being or a trinity of divine closeness of any kind. I believe that God is the father of Jesus. That God is divine and the only god. I believe that Jesus is God's son and was a mortal man. Not divine, but the man God used to save the world. I believe that the Holy Spirit is not a separate being unto itself. I believe it is God's holy power and that He uses it to work within us and through us.

I love sports and watching them, but I don't care if I miss games. Although, I really despise the Yankees because they have WAY too much money and the Patriots because they just never seem quite...uh...honest.

Yes...just a couple of errant thoughts.

Fatal Flaw

Favorite things of this very moment (12:51 pm CST):

• A&W Cream Soda
• Jack Johnson's "In Between Dreams" cd
• The voices of the little ones playing across the hall in Mona Lisa's
• Having a job today
• Meeting so many different people this morning
• The Sea of Monsters by Rick Riordan

I've been rereading The Sea of Monsters today, and they discuss the fact that every hero has a fatal flaw. One of the characters fatal flaw is hubris (deadly pride) and it lead me to wondering...what is my fatal flaw?

I know I am proud, but I don't feel like I'd do a better job running anything really. Perhaps it's my lack of self-confidence. That might work...I mean I have a tendency to completely disown my own thoughts, feelings, and/or abilities at times. Or worse, my hopes and dreams.

Or maybe it's loyalty. The fact that I would do almost anything to protect and care for the people I love, sometimes even going so far as taking on their burdens as my own and not making them actually take the time to work them out, or allowing people leeway while forgetting my own needs. Maybe.

Whatever the case, I think it's something interesting to consider. I'll leave you with one final thought from Annabeth in The Sea of Monsters about fatal flaws:

"If you don't find it and learn to control it...well, they don't call it 'fatal' for nothing."