Geez Louise, Louise.

I just finished reading 2 posts on a friend's blog about her struggle with depression, and a little bit earlier I was reading an email from my best friend who was telling me she's been struggling, and the only reason she was telling me this was that I emailed her this morning to tell her I was feeling a little like I was falling apart.

Today's been a weird, awful, good, weird day.

At one point today I walked out into a clouded day only to have it hail and then pour on me and then 10 minutes later I walked outside again and it was sunny.  South Carolina sometimes makes less sense than the weather of northern Illinois, and I didn't know that was really something that could happen.

Can I make a confession?  I signed up for Zoosk this week.  I also deactivated and deleted my Zoosk this week.  Took me 2 days to figure out how to deactivate it, and I almost didn't do it because today I had 2 messages with really ridiculous pick up lines in them commenting on how beautiful I am.  I emailed my best friend after deactivating Zoosk because I had to share with her the pick up lines, and also to whine because I realized it's been about 9 years since a guy has called me beautiful (excluding my family because the men in my family are wonderful and try to make sure I know how lovely I am for which I cannot thank them).  Well, maybe one other guy did...I had a guy ask if he could sleep with me once when he knew I was coming home on break from college, but the more I think about that the less I remember (or maybe the less I want to remember) and I'm not sure he ever said anything about my looks.  Maybe he just wanted to sleep with me because he thought I'd be up for that (which is hilarious since I was at a Bible college going to school for theology studying youth ministry and premarital sex is kinda frowned upon).

Let's just say that I don't think a guy asking to sleep with you is an admission of your beauty.

I got the Zoosk because I was hoping someone would tell me I was beautiful.  I won't lie about that.  I was also hoping though that I would read someone's profile and I would see the face attached to the words and somehow I would find the person I keep waiting for.  Instead I found a lot of hilarious pick up lines (which if a guy used them in person, I would, without a doubt agree to go on a date over, but via the Internet just makes them seem...well fake instead of funny) and a lot of spelling errors.  Somehow, I just couldn't do it.  Two of the messages I received were the worst spelled messages I've ever received in my life, and I couldn't get passed that.  At all.  On top of which, no one really seemed to have anything good to say.  Cheesy and a little funny, yes, but valid...not so much.

The problem with a couple of guys telling you that you are beautiful when you have lost sight/faith/belief in the reality of that in yourself is that it will suddenly occur to you that you don't believe they'll find you attractive if they ever meet you in person.  I mean if the guys you know in person don't ever seem to find you attractive or voice that to you...why on earth would you believe a stranger who is only seeing a couple good pictures of you?

This is when your best friend points out (rightly) to you that what you really need is to see yourself as beautiful because (she well knows) that if you don't find yourself beautiful you will find it hard to believe when others say it (even the man you love that you know loves you back).

What a mess.

Why is it so hard for us to see our own value?

For instance?  I know I am beautiful.  God created me.  I have value.  I am worthy of love.  For crying out loud, my capacity to love others is insane, but I still fail to see my worth.

So my project for this week is to find the things about myself that I know make me beautiful.

And now, because I've really neglected this...
Favorite things of this very moment (11:03 PM EST):

• The Gandhi quote necklace my mom sent me for my birthday ("be the change you wish to see") because she knows my heart and this is kinda my version of the theme of Children of Change, and speaking of Children of Change...
• Children of Change now has a website!  We're OFFICIALLY online!  That's right!  You can donate on the website or get involved with us or ask us your questions there.  Soon there will be links to our Twitter and we'll have a Facebook page soon.  We'll also have a lot more projects and opportunities to tell you about.
• "Medium" Unsweet Tea from Hardee's (because THEY actually understood the concept of UNSWEET tea...geez...I realize this is the South and I'm clearly a Northerner, but dear goodness, just give me my unsweet tea)
• Jordan having a new phone (Jordan...you have no idea how frustrating that's been)
• Emails from Nikky (it's too bad we don't have Caesar anymore...I'm pretty sure he would have been our Rowdy)
• That I have nowhere to be until 5 tomorrow (if I make myself go...which I need to because it's Calle & Marshall's grad party and I love Calle and Marshall)
• Vlogbrothers ...Calle got me to start watching them and now I can't stop (and Jordan really is Hank and I really am John)

(1)

I need to reset.  I need a fresh start.

Time for another round of confessions, I think.

I've never really cleaned a bathroom.  Not the formal way you are supposed to, I don't think.  Bathrooms just freak me out.  I never feel like I clean them as well as I am supposed to.  I've always gotten lucky enough to have roommates who are willing to clean bathrooms while I do more of the kitchen and general house cleaning.

I thought I was fat in high school, and I really wasn't.  Maybe I wasn't toothpick thin, but I was beautiful.

I am afraid I will someday weigh somewhere in the range of 400 lbs like one of my beloved aunts.  I have seen her struggling to move and breath and be comfortable and own normal clothes for years, and I am perpetually afraid that is what I will become.  And yet I never seem to do better at taking care of myself.

I don't really want to give up.

I am afraid that I will live in my parents' house forever.  Or, just as bad, that they will kick me out because I am too old to live at home.

I really don't know what I want to do with my life.  I want to write children's book or just books or something, but I feel overwhelmed and discouraged at the thought of publishing.  I don't know if I believe in myself enough to put myself out there that many times...it is so rare to be published early on.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I'm a good enough writer to be published.  Even if I do have a little freelance published and have won an award or two for my poetry.  I still struggle to believe it's anywhere close to adequate or what someone really wants to read.

I have an empty Boone's farm bottle that I put cash in to keep myself from spending it so that I will have money to pay for groceries right after I get down to Atlanta.

...or if I go back to Atlanta.

Returning to Atlanta may not happen.  I haven't discussed this with anyone outside of my mom and I emailed Nikky.  I still have barely been able to admit to myself that this may be what happens.  I don't have any money.  I don't budget well, I barely try, and my full-time just became hit or miss because the project they hired me for is done.  I feel overwhelmed all over again.

Plus, to be honest, I am not sure I want to put money back into an institution that has recently become terrible about treating my family well.  Do I really want to pay them when I am not sure I trust them at all?

If I decide to not go back, what do I do?  That scares me too.

Let's be honest, I am just uncertain and I am scared.  Frustrated with myself on top of it.  And I know God has got this.  Please don't give me the cliches, I don't need them.  But I am not yet hearing His voice or feeling His nudge.

I am afraid I will be looked at as the family flake.  Or that my friends will think I am wishy-washy.  Maybe it seems shallow to have this worry, but really...I was supposed to move to SC, to Ohio, to ABC, to ABC, and possibly to ABC again...and I have had things change those plans so many times.  Apparently I just make the wrong plans.  Or just don't hear correctly the first time around.

And I don't know how to classify what is happening with my heart, but I let Sam go.  He doesn't need a girl like me hanging onto him when he's not mine to begin with.  I don't need the heartache, and he doesn't need the awkward situation.  It's not his fault that I created this sideline fantasy that deep down he really was looking for me, well not entirely.  He did have a little to do with it, but the fantasy I concocted was confusing his trust for admiration and his putting me in the friend zone (big time) for his need to have me in his life.

I've allowed our relationship to trail off a little.  I've tried to avoid initiating texts.  No pet names of any kind. No letters.  No messages via Facebook.  No notes or wall posts of personal-esque nature.  No compliments beyond what is casual between friends.

The mix I posted was one I have been working on for myself.  Something to remind me that this is the end and that it's the right thing for me to do.  No, it's not really what I was hoping for.  I was hoping for something good.  Something for forever.  For me.  But this isn't mine.  Sam doesn't belong to me.  Which makes me a little sad, but the great thing is this: I don't belong to him either.

I am still free.  No one can tell me where to live.  What I can and cannot do.  That I shouldn't paint my fingernails blue.  Or cut my hair off again.  Or that I should turn off the light and go to sleep instead of being up till ridiculous hours of the night writing or reading or watching whatever movie I want.  I don't have to answer the phone.

Those things all sound ridiculous, but being able to do what I want...that is a bonus.  I should enjoy that for now.

As Kim reminded me recently, there is a time and a season for everything.  And I hate the idea of a "season of singleness" which people always say and then say things about how blessed it is, buuuuut, there's something to be said for that.  I just hope I make the best of it.  Never sure if I'm actually learning what I am supposed to be learning.

I am Joseph Gordon-Levitt's Tom from (500) Days of Summer or Ilsa Fischer's April from Definitely, Maybe.  Or, on my more frustrated days, Jacob Black of the Twilight series (books, NOT the movies).

I have barely been reading my Bible lately.  Prayer has been bizarre.  I've been praying for the people I love because there's been so much pain and frustration and sadness and hurt, but I'm struggling to pray for myself.  I don't know what to ask or to say.  And I haven't been nearly as thankful as I should be.  I am working to reclaim my faith.

And now...I desperately need sleep.  And tomorrow/today (I guess) is day (1).  That's something to smile about.

Love.

December Confessions

(I found this perfect picture at http://www.goodmorningandgoodnight.com/?cat=4)

Tonight I was talking to a good friend, and we were talking about how healthy it is to be completely honest with others. At least from time to time. I told him I often wish I owned truth serum and could give it to people when I really needed to know something. Like how someone really feels about me or the reason they're doing something crazy.

For instance, confession 1: I wish I could give truth serum to my friend Sam because I just want a straight answer for why he is moving. I'm fairly sure I understand, but I just want him to look me in the eye and tell me the truth.

But onwards: if I'm honest, I'm also really fond of Sam and wish more than anything that he was moving to ABC in the spring. I want him around all the time to talk with, laugh with, cook with, and just to hang out with. It's just the truth.

Also, NyQuil totally knocks me out. The liquid stuff. I hate the taste more than almost anything in the world, but even so, when I'm really miserable, it's easier to drink that stuff and know it will start working than to take the pills. I have no idea why it works that way. Maybe it's entirely in my head, but whatever the case, it works.

I'm not kidding about being completely creeped out and disturbed by talking toys. I hate them. I still blame "Gremlins." I watched it on IRiff this afternoon, and it's still just as creepy. Nikky, I also have to confess that I deleted it as soon as I was done watching it. Even with the ridiculous songs and great comments, I will never be able to watch that one again because no matter how old I am or how ridiculous I know it is, gremlins are still completely creepy. Ick.

My current favorite sound in the world is a bike bell. Yeah...

I wish I had the money to put Christmas lights all around our apartment.

I currently have $8 to my name (roughly) and about $4 on a Wal-Mart gift card. Yep.

I desperately wish I had a job, but still haven't found one. It's discouraging and I let myself get the better of me in this. I need to hold on to hope and keep looking.

Even though I watched "Pride & Prejudice" last night, I am finding myself wanting to watch it again tonight. It's just such a pure love story.

I think my friend Jordan may be my musical soul mate. Bet you didn't see that coming, did you Jordan?

The book Agnes & the Hitman is one of my favorites. I bought myself a paperback copy a little over 2 years ago (maybe less?) and it looks like it's been through years of abuse because I've read it so many times already.

I wish more people wrote real letters, and I also wish I had a limitless supply of envelopes and stamps. It would make my life much easier and then EVERYONE would know how much I love them.

I'm still fairly terrified of being out on my own. I still don't feel like an adult about half the time. One of these days I'm going to have to either be cut loose or to cut myself loose and I still wonder if I can make it.

I fully believe that Ryan Reynolds deserved the Sexiest Man Alive award from People this year. Yep.

Taylor Swift's music frequently makes me happy. It's just the truth.

Yesterday I had my first real bra fitting. So much personal space violated, and yet, I feel better about myself today than I have in a long time.

Considering the number of colds and cold-like things I've had so far this winter, I'm starting to think it would be beneficial to buy stock in Zicam.

Xkcd.com is my favorite webcomic. I have Ben to thank for that.

I rarely take enough pictures of things that are really worth taking pictures of.

I'm still trying to get over the fact that I don't have a single picture of Zuni and I together. I'm scared I'll lose someone else and have to go through that all over again. I have no idea why this scares me. They're just pictures, it shouldn't be a big deal...but somehow, it still is.

After years of talking against texting because I could never see a point, I want it desperately. I realized my winter break is going to be killer because I won't have the iPod to keep me connected to a couple of people I love, and that will make me a bit frustrated and a bit lonely. I may actually have to get myself texting sometime soon. Ha.

Good night.

Love,

J

ps. Got any confessions of your own? Maybe you should send them out into the void like I am tonight.

Confessions: Round 3

I know I've already done this, but I felt it was time to add to my confessions to you. This includes some confessions to myself to admit to the things that I just am not going to be here, now, or ever...even though I sometimes want to be:

First off, I will never be a super model. I will probably never be a size 10 even, but that will never stop me from trying to be in better shape than I currently am. I just need to accept my physical limitations and start appreciating myself for what I am.

I will never fully appreciate Thomas Pynchon the way my brother, David does. He's an incredible writer, but that doesn't mean I will ever go out and buy all his books to read for my own joy.

On the other hand, I will someday own the last 2 books of Rick Roirdan's The Olympians series because I could read the whole series every couple of months and be quite happy about it. I will also someday own the entire Harry Potter series because, let's face it, fantasy is good. And children's and young adult literature is sometimes far better than adults, and even if it's not, I enjoy it.

I will also never fully appreciate Nirvana, Rush, The Smashing Pumpkins, or most jazz, rock or punk as much as I would like to. I will, on the other hand, enjoy many, many country love songs, a variety of terrible hip-hop songs, and a lot of the Jonas Brothers' and Miley Cyrus' songs.

I don't plan to ever learn Spanish. Yes, there may be a chance I will someday, but only if it is unavoidable. I just don't find the language magical to my ears, and despite how "easy" it is supposed to be to learn, I struggled with it all through high school and still only understand a small variety of things. I am sorry to any and all of you who enjoy the language. I'm sure it is beautiful to many, but it doesn't ring true for me personally.

On the other hand, I will continue to save all my movie/theater/play/sports tickets in order to someday do some sort of strange art projects, and the same will be said of any fortunes from fortune cookies I collect.

Relationships, love, romance in general, fascinate me beyond measure even if I've had little experience with it on my own.

I believe that God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit are not the same being or a trinity of divine closeness of any kind. I believe that God is the father of Jesus. That God is divine and the only god. I believe that Jesus is God's son and was a mortal man. Not divine, but the man God used to save the world. I believe that the Holy Spirit is not a separate being unto itself. I believe it is God's holy power and that He uses it to work within us and through us.

I love sports and watching them, but I don't care if I miss games. Although, I really despise the Yankees because they have WAY too much money and the Patriots because they just never seem quite...uh...honest.

Yes...just a couple of errant thoughts.

Confessions

I'd like to confess.

I cry during children's movies. "Robots", "Mulan", "Matilda", and today it was at the end of "Horton Hears a Who" (and Jesse McCartney was the voice of Jojo...how cool is that).

I actually do like Celion Dion's song "My Heart Will Go On." Even if I have heard it roughly a million times and it's cheesy beyond reason.

On the other hand, I still have never watched all of "Titanic" though I once did watch the last 30 minutes and I laughed when Jack died. It was during my "I-hate-Leonardo-DiCaprio" phase. The phase where I rejected whatever was popular...like Hanson.

(Note: I actually do like some Hanson now...they're just so darn catchy.)

I've owned 2 laptops but never paid for either. I am blessed with people who love me.

I can quite easily eat an entire box of cheese-its in a single sitting. Or oreos for that matter.

I prefer my peanut butter and my chocolate separate. There are always exceptions, but for the most part it's true.

I once wrote a xanga entry about thinking about becoming a lesbian or bisexual because I felt that being more open about my thoughts would be healthy, and I also thought that if I was completely open about things like that that the boy I was in "love" with at the time would see that I truly was an amazing girl and worth pursuing. Instead my saying that lead people to think that was questioning my sexuality (haha...no), and, I think, put more distance between myself and the guy (though he claimed I was "brave"...ha).

My parents have never heard me swear. Ever. My father once did catch me writing a pretty angry and scared letter once, but he's never brought it up again. I do not swear often, but I do not deny that I do swear. (I've said stuff here for crying out loud, so I better not deny it.) It rarely is spoken aloud. I prefer the words "damn" and "hell" to anything else.

I find all potty humor gross. Ever once in awhile it's funny, but it's rare. Farting, poo, any of it...gross. Just not my kinda thing. It's probably good I didn't go into teaching kindergarten for a profession after all. ha.

I confess I did once consider running away. I'm not counting the time I said I would run away when I was about 5 or 6. I mean when I was 19 and my heart had been completely broken by the death of my best friend and I found myself driving around alone at night in the suburbs of Atlanta wishing I was old enough to go into bars alone. If I had had enough money in my account that night, I would have run, and God only knows what would have happened to me. I'm also glad I wasn't old enough to drink because that would have probably lead to me waking up next to someone I'd never seen before with an awful hangover the next morning.

I have never considered killing myself. Ever.

I confess that I rarely shave my legs during the winter. My skin is already crazy dry, and I find that shaving them just makes my legs feel itchy. I do honestly intend to shave them often when I'm married and therefore have a reason to have nice smooth legs.

I have been drunk once. Truly drunk. It was at Kayla Raper's bachelorette party this past summer. I drank more that one night than I've ever drunk at one time, and I don't intend to do that ever again. I will say though, it was an interesting experience.

I have been pseudo-engaged once. Jeff Leifheit told me he wanted to marry me and promised me many things, and I agreed. We talked about getting married all the time, and had names picked out for our kids, wedding plans made, and a whole life planned out. I wanted to marry him, and it still haunts me sometimes (more often than I'd like to admit). When I turned 22, all I could think about was how by that point I should've been graduating ABC and within a year Jeff and I should have been married. People change. But I hate him for that sometimes.

I confess that I once hit a car in the parking lot at M&M on Christmas Eve with my parents mini-van, and I never told them. That's why Jeff nicknamed me Crash.

I am a bit OCD. I like to have crayons lined up according to color (anything coloring related really...), I like things to be stacked according to size and shape, and generally like things in some kinda of order.

I confess that I am obsessed with lists. Grocery, playlists, books I want to read, movies I own, to-do, packing, etc.

I also confess that I never did watch the Scientific America special on Robots. I hate robots. Well, maybe not hate, but I don't like them very much. Not the talking, moving, think for themselves kind. They freak me out. I am scared of talking toys. I blame accidentally seeing part of "Gremlins" at the age of 4.

I confess that I am a very sexual being and that I often don't know what to do with the energy that's left as a result. I don't know what to do with myself or what project could help me refocus.

I am a sucker for poetry, especially if it's about love. And sad songs. And the music of boy bands of the late 90' through now (I'm listening to Westlife as I type this for crying out loud).

I also must confess that I occasionally drop by a couple of my guy friends facebooks and simply ponder. Not stalk because I avoid following what anyone does on facebook because that just makes me feel weirder than I already am, but there are a couple of guys whose relationship status is a continual interest to me, and who's pictures constantly make me feel inadequate.

I feel inadequate, and have been trying to keep myself from feeling like there's no way that I will be alone forever.

I confess that the only reason I have ever hated Valentine's Day is because I don't like being alone and I hate the commercialism that's just over sprouted out of it (but it's mostly that I don't like being alone).

And lastly, I confess that yesterday I ran over the lid to our garbage can while backing out of the driveway. It didn't break though, so I didn't feel like it really mattered if I brought it up.

Just wanted to get this off my chest. Good talk.