Fearless

I'm trying to recapture a feeling.

A few minutes ago I was having a conversation with my mother while my brain was working out a comparison between "When in Rome" and "I Hate Valentine's Day" (cute stories, but not terribly high production quality) when I felt like I got slapped up the backside of the head.  A quiet voice inside me said, "I stopped believing," and I realized it was true.

I stopped believing I'm ever going to find a guy who will ever want me.

Maybe you're saying, So, Fate takes care of these things.  He'll come. Or maybe, You're right, you'll be single forever with that attitude. Or the classic, Just enjoying being single.  You just need to be patient.  He'll show up.

Blah blah blah.

No.  What I'm saying is, I stopped believing in my ability to be anything any man will ever want.  I'm not saying this so anyone will feel sorry for me.  I'm saying this because it suddenly hit me that I really don't believe, and now I'm angry at myself.  Angry enough to consider rewatching every romantic comedy I've ever loved (and have just realized I've been avoiding for the past few years now), read oodles of romantic poetry, reinvest in trash novels and dating books...and reread all my late friend Zuni's emails yelling at me about love.

How the heck did I let myself get to here?  Oh yeah, letting bitterness eat away at my heart for the past few years.  That may have something to do with it.  Gah.  I'm an idiot.  I think that after my last true heartbreak, I shut off my heart.  I worked hard not to care too deeply or get too attached because I knew that at any time any guy I chose to care for could walk away or, like the guy I was in love with, they could chose to completely erase me from their life and marry some other girl.  It hurt so much.  So much.  So much.  It still does some nights when the wind blows just right and whips its way through the tattered bits, but this is a worthless excuse.

I use to be fearless.  I use to be so crazy about love and so passionate about finding the guy I was going to marry.  I knew he was out there.  I knew.  He was real and solid, and I use to have dreams about him.  I didn't doubt that someday in the future I would settle down with someone who I could love like crazy who would love me the same way back.  I'd fall in love with my best friend just like my folks, and I would have a great life.

But now I am just a coward.  I'm so scared of getting torn up again, and so sure that it will happen every time that I'm struggling to keep going. I keep shoring up other peoples' broken hearts and cheering on everybody's relationships and convincing them to take the risks I'm too scared to take.

This isn't me.

I am the girl who will move across the country because I believe in something.  I'm the girl who has moved on her own to a variety of states to keep starting over.  I've left jobs to pursue dreams.  I've been someone's secret admirer.  I've asked guys out on dates.  I've admitted to guys that I'm crazy about them.

I am not this shell of human being that I'm hiding behind.  I am not content to work in a kitchen the rest of my life with a group of women (who, don't get me wrong, are incredible) where I'm never going to grow or make any kind of real money or meet anyone.  I am not content to be alone forever or be every guy's back up plan.

It's time I get back to being passionate and brave.  I'm going to be fearless.

(41) Mom

Nothing quite so good

as hearing your voice

at the other end of the line

when I've been worrying

about you

You keep me inspired,

going, hoping

you're my voice of reason

& the soother of my storms

I can't lose that,

can't lose you

Please be healing

& I'll be moving on,

growing up,

& making you proud

Thanks for being you, Mom

(1)

I need to reset.  I need a fresh start.

Time for another round of confessions, I think.

I've never really cleaned a bathroom.  Not the formal way you are supposed to, I don't think.  Bathrooms just freak me out.  I never feel like I clean them as well as I am supposed to.  I've always gotten lucky enough to have roommates who are willing to clean bathrooms while I do more of the kitchen and general house cleaning.

I thought I was fat in high school, and I really wasn't.  Maybe I wasn't toothpick thin, but I was beautiful.

I am afraid I will someday weigh somewhere in the range of 400 lbs like one of my beloved aunts.  I have seen her struggling to move and breath and be comfortable and own normal clothes for years, and I am perpetually afraid that is what I will become.  And yet I never seem to do better at taking care of myself.

I don't really want to give up.

I am afraid that I will live in my parents' house forever.  Or, just as bad, that they will kick me out because I am too old to live at home.

I really don't know what I want to do with my life.  I want to write children's book or just books or something, but I feel overwhelmed and discouraged at the thought of publishing.  I don't know if I believe in myself enough to put myself out there that many times...it is so rare to be published early on.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I'm a good enough writer to be published.  Even if I do have a little freelance published and have won an award or two for my poetry.  I still struggle to believe it's anywhere close to adequate or what someone really wants to read.

I have an empty Boone's farm bottle that I put cash in to keep myself from spending it so that I will have money to pay for groceries right after I get down to Atlanta.

...or if I go back to Atlanta.

Returning to Atlanta may not happen.  I haven't discussed this with anyone outside of my mom and I emailed Nikky.  I still have barely been able to admit to myself that this may be what happens.  I don't have any money.  I don't budget well, I barely try, and my full-time just became hit or miss because the project they hired me for is done.  I feel overwhelmed all over again.

Plus, to be honest, I am not sure I want to put money back into an institution that has recently become terrible about treating my family well.  Do I really want to pay them when I am not sure I trust them at all?

If I decide to not go back, what do I do?  That scares me too.

Let's be honest, I am just uncertain and I am scared.  Frustrated with myself on top of it.  And I know God has got this.  Please don't give me the cliches, I don't need them.  But I am not yet hearing His voice or feeling His nudge.

I am afraid I will be looked at as the family flake.  Or that my friends will think I am wishy-washy.  Maybe it seems shallow to have this worry, but really...I was supposed to move to SC, to Ohio, to ABC, to ABC, and possibly to ABC again...and I have had things change those plans so many times.  Apparently I just make the wrong plans.  Or just don't hear correctly the first time around.

And I don't know how to classify what is happening with my heart, but I let Sam go.  He doesn't need a girl like me hanging onto him when he's not mine to begin with.  I don't need the heartache, and he doesn't need the awkward situation.  It's not his fault that I created this sideline fantasy that deep down he really was looking for me, well not entirely.  He did have a little to do with it, but the fantasy I concocted was confusing his trust for admiration and his putting me in the friend zone (big time) for his need to have me in his life.

I've allowed our relationship to trail off a little.  I've tried to avoid initiating texts.  No pet names of any kind. No letters.  No messages via Facebook.  No notes or wall posts of personal-esque nature.  No compliments beyond what is casual between friends.

The mix I posted was one I have been working on for myself.  Something to remind me that this is the end and that it's the right thing for me to do.  No, it's not really what I was hoping for.  I was hoping for something good.  Something for forever.  For me.  But this isn't mine.  Sam doesn't belong to me.  Which makes me a little sad, but the great thing is this: I don't belong to him either.

I am still free.  No one can tell me where to live.  What I can and cannot do.  That I shouldn't paint my fingernails blue.  Or cut my hair off again.  Or that I should turn off the light and go to sleep instead of being up till ridiculous hours of the night writing or reading or watching whatever movie I want.  I don't have to answer the phone.

Those things all sound ridiculous, but being able to do what I want...that is a bonus.  I should enjoy that for now.

As Kim reminded me recently, there is a time and a season for everything.  And I hate the idea of a "season of singleness" which people always say and then say things about how blessed it is, buuuuut, there's something to be said for that.  I just hope I make the best of it.  Never sure if I'm actually learning what I am supposed to be learning.

I am Joseph Gordon-Levitt's Tom from (500) Days of Summer or Ilsa Fischer's April from Definitely, Maybe.  Or, on my more frustrated days, Jacob Black of the Twilight series (books, NOT the movies).

I have barely been reading my Bible lately.  Prayer has been bizarre.  I've been praying for the people I love because there's been so much pain and frustration and sadness and hurt, but I'm struggling to pray for myself.  I don't know what to ask or to say.  And I haven't been nearly as thankful as I should be.  I am working to reclaim my faith.

And now...I desperately need sleep.  And tomorrow/today (I guess) is day (1).  That's something to smile about.

Love.

My Weakness I Feel I Must Finally Show

I don't even know at the moment.  I am tired and frustrated on a couple different levels.  I am scared.  I am heartbroken.  I am trying to not think about the fact that in certain dreams...there really isn't any hope, and I am trying to remember that just because what I want isn't happening, it doesn't mean that God isn't in control or that life is going to be bad.

Tonight I realize that there is a good chance that a guy I have been friends with since early in high school may have died from cancer and I never found out.  I'm hoping I am wrong and that he'll get ahold of me in the next day or two and it will just prove to be my crazy imagination and a result of the tired and the lost feeling inside me.

I sent the guy I have been fighting for every day a mix on Monday.  He should get it tomorrow in the mail or maybe Friday.  I am guessing he won't see what it really is: a letter.  Because I have come to realize that the only way I can really tell him what I feel is by sending him a mix of my heart.

And will it matter?  Probably not.

And I wonder...is he it?  And if he is...how long am I going to be waiting?  Forever?  How long do you wait in love before you realize that you have befriend St. Jude and his lost causes?

Death, unrequited love, and I made the mistake of looking through old pictures tonight and realized that I really did let myself go completely in the past 7 years.  I got out of high school and became a moose.

Tonight is death and depression and self-depreciation night.  No biggie.  Well, the death part is.  That just freaks me out, and I don't know what to do about that except pray and hope I find an answer and figure out how to deal with it in the meantime.

My amazing friend, Jay made me a mix.  I have been needing it.

Can you tell I am disconnected?

On a positive note:

Favorite things of this moment (11:07 pm CST):

• "Awake My Soul" by Mumford & Sons
• Jay's mixes...he's genius
• Encouragement from good friends
• Reminders that maybe I am not seeing everything clearly and should review
• God's glorious, glorious mercy & grace & love & timing

"Where you invent your love, you invest your life." - Mumford & Sons

Revolving Countdowns

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Favorite things of this very moment (3:10 pm CST):

• Chris Tomlin's spectacular worship songs
• Edna St. Vincent Millay's incredibly eloquent poetry that so often reaches in and pulls my heart back into rhythm with life
• Prayer

Yesterday was Kayla's graduation party. A good time was had by all. The weird thing was how many people had questions for me about my future and plans. I kind of wanted to tell them all that they should probably just focus on Kayla and leave me alone, but the thing is, most of them don't get to see me for more than a few fleeting moments anymore. I'm at work and then at home and few, if any, places in between. So I told them.

I'm trying to get myself financially capable to head to ABC in the fall. I received my notice that I'd been accepted to return, and now this week I'm supposed to plan out my class schedule. I'll probably major in Youth Ministry, and that I have no idea where I'll be heading after that.

I found out that my church is planning to "adopt" me to try and help support me a little financially. I was told it probably wouldn't be a lot of money, but it's something, and considering I hadn't even asked about this, that it hadn't even occurred to me to ask: I'm beyond grateful. Sometimes the people in my life really surprise me.

I also was grilled by a lady from our church who I'm pretty sure wishes I were more up to her standards so that she could induct me into her family and have me marry her oldest boy. I don't wear enough skirts, and I'm pretty sure the fact that I'm moving to Atlanta even though I don't know where they money will come from with no real future plans in place really impressed her... Although, this really isn't my issue. Her son doesn't talk to me, and as nice as she is, I'm completely intimidated by her and I hate wearing skirts. Not a good fit.

Plus, I feel led back to ABC. I'm going to finish what I started, darn it. I'm going to work to be the adult I want to be. The person I want to be, and I'm going to hit all the reset buttons in my heart, and see if being back at ABC might just help me get my head back in the game. I've been drifting the past few years, and I can't just wait forever. I need to make a move in a positive direction, and listen.

And as it was in the bulletin yesterday that the church board discussed my "adoption," I can no longer hide the fact that I'm intending to do this. Oddly, that frightens me more than most things. I'd been keeping it quiet because I'm tried of making plans that never come true, and I don't want this to happen again. I want to follow through.

I take it back, that wasn't the scariest part. The scariest part was having someone point out that moving back to ABC in August means that I'm moving in 3 months. From tomorrow actually...

I am scared to death. And the great thing? I'm walking headfirst into it. I'll take this leap of faith, and I'm just going to keep believing God will break my fall.