This is How You Lose Her

Quite a few years back, I had this great guy best friend. He was kind and smart and funny. He helped me grow into a better version of myself and challenged my views on everything. The best thing about him though was the fact that he was always able to have hope for me when I couldn't muster the belief. If my hope was failing, he would believe got me, and I was able to regain my footing and move forward knowing that as long as he believed, it would come true. 

My earliest memory of myself is me holding an elaborate wedding between two of my favorite stuffed animals. I was probably 3. I have always loved weddings. I have always loved love. From the beginning of my memories, I have always wanted to get married. I have from early on always wanted marriage and my own family. This is a core component to my life and story and dreams. It is a part of every wish and hope I have ever had. Some days holding onto the hope that my future can or will ever hold a relationship with a best friend I could keep feels impossible. 

I tell you this because I remember a particularly hard trip. It was a great trip for the most part, but the man I had thought I would get to love for the rest of my life had chosen someone else and I felt broken. I text my best guy friend and I said, "I don't care if it's a total lie and you don't believe it at all, but I need you to tell me that someday I will find a great guy and fall in love and get married and I'll get to have little ones of my own." He responded immediately and told me that I absolutely would find love and have a family of my own. He told me it wasn't a lie, and that he fully believed it would happen. That gave me the strength I needed to move forward and believe. I still was broken-hearted, but I knew he believed so I did too. 

Fast forward just a couple years. He is dating a girl that I know he's going to marry. His life is coming together nicely. He's got a job he loves and he just bought his house not long before. A total adult. My life is going through its typical bizarre circus juggling act while I walk a high wire, and I find myself turning to my friend for some comforting words. I tell him once again that I need him to tell me that I'll find the right guy some day and fall in love and get married and have little ones even if he knows it's a lie. How does my best guy friend of many years respond?

He tells me he doesn't know. Hopefully things will work out. 

And that, dear friends, is when you realize that somewhere along the line your best friend has checked out on you and they're not coming back. Needless to say, he and I are no longer close. He married the girl I knew he would and they seem happy. I, on the other hand, could use a guy in my life that believes in my dreams when I can't because I'm too tired to carry them anymore. I miss it. 

Plagiarizing Love

Dear Fictional Charcter/Real Liar,

You broke my heart. You did. I know it's stupid because I only talked to you for a couple of weeks, but I believed in you. 

Do you have any idea what a struggle it is for me on a daily basis to believe in myself? Any idea how long it takes me to really trust another person? How about how many times I've been left alone by liars?

No, of course you don't. Why would you put someone you don't know through something that will break their heart yet again and cause them to retreat a little further into their shell? 

I keep telling myself this isn't a big deal. You were probably just a jerk who was trying to steal someone's identity, but part of me is terrified. What would've happened if I had asked you to meet me alone? You weren't who you claimed to be, so would you have shown up? Are you a serial killer? Were you planning to assault me in some way? I don't have money or connection, so there's no real benefit to messing with me. 

I just don't understand why you'd be so cruel. 

I thought you were so kind. It's been a long time since I had encountered someone so kind. You asked questions and listened to my answers. You seemed so real. It's been years since I had any hope, and I finally felt a spark reigniting in the quiet of my heart. 

But you aren't real. You're a series of someone else's pictures with new words. Plagiarizing love. 

The worst part is how I so desperately wish it had been real. You were all the things I longed for. Well, the character you'd created sure was. I guess it just goes to prove I want something that's too good to be real. Could this be more painful?

Oh right, it's also embarrassing because I'd actually told a few people about you in an attempt to get good advice and figure out what I needed to do to pursue a relationship with you. Explaining what happened has been a delight. Everyone is now heartbroken for me and the looks of concern and pity have been fun. Even better when they're replaced by confusion on why I can't just get over this since the relationship I was developing with you wasn't real anyway...

Alone, alone, alone, alone...

Why couldn't you have just left me alone? Ignored me like any other guy? At least then I would be stuck with the loneliness I'm accustom to and not the loneliness of knowing how great it feels when you believe someone wants you and sees you and wants you to know them fully. Why did you have to make me aware of what I want, but can't have?

I hope you see this come back around to you because I don't know what else I can do. 

Sigh,

Jaymin

Fearless

I'm trying to recapture a feeling.

A few minutes ago I was having a conversation with my mother while my brain was working out a comparison between "When in Rome" and "I Hate Valentine's Day" (cute stories, but not terribly high production quality) when I felt like I got slapped up the backside of the head.  A quiet voice inside me said, "I stopped believing," and I realized it was true.

I stopped believing I'm ever going to find a guy who will ever want me.

Maybe you're saying, So, Fate takes care of these things.  He'll come. Or maybe, You're right, you'll be single forever with that attitude. Or the classic, Just enjoying being single.  You just need to be patient.  He'll show up.

Blah blah blah.

No.  What I'm saying is, I stopped believing in my ability to be anything any man will ever want.  I'm not saying this so anyone will feel sorry for me.  I'm saying this because it suddenly hit me that I really don't believe, and now I'm angry at myself.  Angry enough to consider rewatching every romantic comedy I've ever loved (and have just realized I've been avoiding for the past few years now), read oodles of romantic poetry, reinvest in trash novels and dating books...and reread all my late friend Zuni's emails yelling at me about love.

How the heck did I let myself get to here?  Oh yeah, letting bitterness eat away at my heart for the past few years.  That may have something to do with it.  Gah.  I'm an idiot.  I think that after my last true heartbreak, I shut off my heart.  I worked hard not to care too deeply or get too attached because I knew that at any time any guy I chose to care for could walk away or, like the guy I was in love with, they could chose to completely erase me from their life and marry some other girl.  It hurt so much.  So much.  So much.  It still does some nights when the wind blows just right and whips its way through the tattered bits, but this is a worthless excuse.

I use to be fearless.  I use to be so crazy about love and so passionate about finding the guy I was going to marry.  I knew he was out there.  I knew.  He was real and solid, and I use to have dreams about him.  I didn't doubt that someday in the future I would settle down with someone who I could love like crazy who would love me the same way back.  I'd fall in love with my best friend just like my folks, and I would have a great life.

But now I am just a coward.  I'm so scared of getting torn up again, and so sure that it will happen every time that I'm struggling to keep going. I keep shoring up other peoples' broken hearts and cheering on everybody's relationships and convincing them to take the risks I'm too scared to take.

This isn't me.

I am the girl who will move across the country because I believe in something.  I'm the girl who has moved on her own to a variety of states to keep starting over.  I've left jobs to pursue dreams.  I've been someone's secret admirer.  I've asked guys out on dates.  I've admitted to guys that I'm crazy about them.

I am not this shell of human being that I'm hiding behind.  I am not content to work in a kitchen the rest of my life with a group of women (who, don't get me wrong, are incredible) where I'm never going to grow or make any kind of real money or meet anyone.  I am not content to be alone forever or be every guy's back up plan.

It's time I get back to being passionate and brave.  I'm going to be fearless.

And the Darkness Could Not Comprehend It

Even though I'm exhausted and know I have to be up in a few hours, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this day. 

What is happening here?

At what crazy point did we tip the scales from occasionally horrific to seriously psychotic? I can't grasp this. I can't. My brain rejects this reality. I don't want my godsons, my nieces and nephews to have to grow up in a world like this. I don't want to be terrified of them traveling or to worry that they won't be safe inside their homes or churches or at work or school. I don't want them to live where they can't feel safe. 

Most of all, I don't want them to be afraid. 

I am afraid. Not so much for me, but for the people I love. I can't imagine losing someone in a tragedy like the San Bernardino shooting today or any of the seemingly endless police shootings or school shootings or hate crimes or protests that got violent or gang wars or any of this. 

What in a human being could ever switch off the ability to know compassion, kindness, and love to the point where you go and kill the innocents? What can you possibly gain with innocent blood?

NOTHING!

Nothing in the world. Or the next. 

How do you fight against something that is like a shadow creeping across creation?

I don't know what anyone else is going to do, and I'm not even real sure about me, but I do know this: I'm going to love with all I have till the day I die. I'll keep donating whatever I can (time, money, clothes, whatever); trying to show mercy and grace whenever I can; breathe deeply; express affection more freely; take more risks; and pray. 

I think if we all tried to be consciously kind and giving and willing to hear people out...it might help. 

I just want to be something good in this world and be a part of the light that the darkness does not comprehend. 

(76) Leaves & Roots

You shouldn't be on my mind
you walked out, remember?
But in a day or two
I'll have to see you
& I'm wondering
if I'm strong enough to do this

Every cliche
runs through my head
& I'm still just looking
for a hand to hold
& someone to not feel
like my presence & adoration
is some kind of burden

You use to make me feel
lighter than a leaf
in the wind,
but like that leaf
I came crashing down again

I want roots
to grow where I've landed
but I don't think
I was meant
to do this single-handed

how many times
do I have to fall
before someone picks me up
& actually holds on?

with all that is beautiful
in my life, it's not fair
to feel so blue
but I'm still waiting

waiting for...?

(62) Be Happy

It's odd when you realize

your similarities are differences

& even though you had to walk--

No run--

away

doesn't mean everyone does

& maybe if you'd just be honest--

you needed the time,

you needed to matter--

this could be different

because there's nothing wrong

with wanting to be happy

You just need to stop forgetting that

(43) Tripping my Own Heart

It's pretty bad

When you're the one

tripping up your own heart

How do I grow?

Where do I go from here?

Your new life seems happy

buying houses

thinking about starting a family

Your wife inserting your name into conversations 

Is it sick to still wish

I knew

if even for a single moment

you thought about

picking me?

I just wish I could understand

why I never had a chance

Am I not pretty enough?

Or thin enough?

Is it because I really can't dance?

What's my fatal flaw?

Or did I throw it away 

when I didn't give you a full answer

that night in the car?

Or kiss you that day you backed me into a wall to talk?

Apparently I'm neurotic 

& obsessive,

but I still wish I could tie up

these loose ends

in more than just my dreams

Soon you'll see my face again

hopefully,

even with my heart on my sleeve, 

when you look through me

You'll see a better woman

than the one I use to be

(23) Grief & a Loon

Why can't I just grieve?

like a normal person

I hate feeling

like the illogical

black hole of emotion

My heart turns into

a bad mid afternoon game show

My nails are gone

& my sanity seems to

be following the same path

how are you supposed to do this?

(18) Goodbyes Never Get Easier

Football & beer
maybe it covers for
the tired to fear
dehydrated from all these tears
Goodbye, we love you
we will not break
Hold us together
Keep us strong
help us live like
we know we should
with love,
with kindness,
& great good

(15) Point Break(ing) Point

I am tired of feeling
like I'm too much
Stop looking at me like
I've lost my mind

I don't like the tears
or how my voice
cracks & strangles,
but words have to be said

I can't bottle this up anymore
because that dam's about to burst
years worth of tears unshed
& misdirected action
pain misplaced
disoriented social interaction

I've built up my walls
high & deep
so no one could ever see
the broken shatters of who I am
buried underneath

I need a light,
a boat, & a heart to
guide me

Please don't tell me
how to feel
or what I need to do
my heart doesn't cater to your whims
broken people (hearts) need love too

(14) Hand Please

Somedays it's hard to formulate words
Maybe things ran smoothly
but you run into the wall

The phone rings
unexpected things
bad news & you fall

Even when you know
it's slipping
you never know
the time

Sometimes we don't
get to say
our goodbyes

Tears are not my favorite
but sometimes they need to fall
I'm only human
suffering backlash from the Fall

Thankful for the bright light
& the party up ahead
knowing deaths a pause
but not the end

I don't have a lot
of answers
but I'll give you
my hand
I'll stand beside you
to through this
& to the end

So darkness hovers over
this weary night
but we still have stars
to guide us
even through this
our darkest night

Dear Brain,

Shut up. No really. 

Stop telling me how lonely we are. Stop telling me that "no really, you can eat that. No big deal." Stop telling me to want people that are too young for me or unavailable. Stop telling me that I'm not pretty or worthy or interesting or worth pursuing. Stop telling me I need to change and then decide I don't or that it's not with trying. Stop telling me this is hopeless. Stop telling me no one will ever love me -- want me. Stop missing people who we can't have and that never loved us and stop pointing out why I was delusional for hoping they would want me. Stop raking through the past like you're looking for clues. 

Move on. 

Love,

J 

Ghost

I knew coming here would bring you back to me
It seems that nothing I do quite escapes you
I can't deny that I felt fear
wondering if I could really keep healing
when I feel you here

Only a few days have gone by
and I feel that all the old
conversations and monuments
have been brought back to life

How ironic that you can be the one
to move forward
when I'm the one that changed

You're not yet in my dreams
and I hope you stay out
The only dreams I have had
were full of hope
and someone new

Maybe this means this
wound and bitterness
are finally receeding...healing

Because just because you're gone
doesn't mean you're still not here

Because My Life Is Not A Movie

"Best Thing That You Never Had" has been playing in my head a lot lately, but I am asking myself if that is really true.  Am I really the best thing?

I have my doubts.

This past weekend I was at Refuge in IN.  It was a wonderful weekend because I got to see a lot of people who I find myself desperately missing on a near constant basis anymore.  My beloved sisters/friends/roommates Amber & Kim, my dear brother/friend Jake, my amazing cousin Hilary, my hilarious uncle Jon, and my good friend Jordan, to name just a few.  These people make me feel home.

Over the weekend, Amber and I's good friend, Jeff asked her how she knew Jake was "the One."  Her answer was perfect.  She told Jeff that no matter where they are, to her, Jake feels like home.

That's what I want.

So this is the thing, maybe he doesn't know it yet, and maybe he never will know, but this is what he's missing: ME.

He will be missing out on me getting up early to make monkey bread or pancakes so that he would have a hot breakfast before he leaves the house.  He is missing me singing all day every day anything at all that makes my heart happy or speaks to my soul.  He will be missing the mix cds that tell him just how incredible he is to me when I can no longer find the words.  He will miss my hands and everything they are capable of.  He will miss my laughter and my constant encouragement as he pursues his dreams.  He will be missing my creative pies and how fun I am to work with in the kitchen.  He will be missing my smile and my constant willingness to do laundry and help with dishes.  He will miss how good I am with his dog when no one else is.  He will miss my sweet sewing skills and my creative ability to recycle everything and find the beauty in everything and everyone.  He will miss my notes and letters.  He will miss my lips on his neck and the number of times I say I love you.  He will miss my passion and my adoration and how completely gorgeous and perfect I think he is and have always (since that Han Solo costume the night we met) and always will.

I hope he misses me.

I feel a million things and nothing all at the same time.  My life is not a movie or this would be well on its way to being resolved.  Instead, he's going to go marry a girl that even his family seems nervous about, and I am going to listen to Jason Mraz sing "I Won't Give Up" a million times and try to find a new dream.

All the Words that I Wanted to Sing Got Replaced with a Wedding Ring...

He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane. I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind & mercy.  When all of the sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.

David Crowder*Band totally speaks my heart.

Today I am grateful for love like a hurricane that bends but doesn't break me but instead points out to me that I am loved by the Creator of the Universe.  I need His love so desperately today.

There is a great Matthew Mayfield song called "Fire Escape" which I believe I have mentioned in other posts, and the song ends with him saying, "All the words that I wanted to sing got replaced with a wedding ring."  I have had that song playing in the back of my mind for ages and ages now  with the hopes that this wouldn't be my song.  This song wouldn't be always playing in the back of my mind.  Today it finally becomes mine.

by Andre Jordan

All the words that I wanted to sing...they were replaced with an engagement ring.  And God only knows how long they'll be replaced with wedding rings and vows.

"Fire Escape" won't always be my song.  One of these days it will fade and I'll be able to have something else echoing with joy through the back of my mind.  For tonight though, I will let myself mourn the loss of a best friend who chose a path none of us expected, who chose to cut me out of his life virtually every way he could have, and who is now engaged.

R.S.B, my dear friend, my sunshine and heart, I wish you happiness.  I pray that God blesses you, my dear.  That He gives you clarity of mind and heart so that you can make good decisions that will bring you love and bring you closer to Him daily.  If this woman truly brings you closer to God and brings out the best in you and your heart, than I ask that He would bless your relationship as well.  I just want you to be healthy and happy.  You are something good.  Really, you are.  Please never doubt that.  I love you.

And now, I think I will crank some better tunes, try to sleep, and keep my phone off for awhile.  Things will be better in the morning.

Good Night, Moon

I keep staring at my phone like something is going to change and happen. Go figure, eh?

This week has been interesting. The past few have been interesting.

Let's catch up:

1. For Nikky & Yan's wedding, I learned how to tie bow ties. I am crazy proud of this for some reason. Maybe it's just because it's such a random skill, and I'm a fan of those. Whatever the reason, I'm thrilled to know this, and Yan's best man, Fred was adorable about it. He kept his tied through everything that night and told me that he was afraid to untie it because it looked so good and he knew he wouldn't be able to do it again.


2. Today I got texting on my phone. David and I got a new plan that's just the two of us. I'm a little nervous about that. The plan is fairly basic. I won't go over in minutes because I rarely talk on the phone, but the texting makes me a little nervous. Anyone on Verizon is welcome and able to text me and send me as many pictures as they darn well please, buuuut if they don't have that...it's going to make it a problem. David's girlfriend doesn't have Verizon either, so I am going to try and let him have most of the regular text messaging rights. I have no one like that, so yeah...although, the boy I want has Verizon, so maybe this will work out alright.


3. Sam kinda kills me.


4. As a reminder, Jordan Durham is my musical soul mate. For serious (as Joel says).


5. I am not returning to ABC until spring semester. That's tearing me up inside every other day. It's hard to explain exactly why to be honest. I know I need to finish up my degree at the college, but sometimes I wonder why God's saying "Wait." I'm trying to keep my eyes open because I'm clearly missing something.


6. David saw me rereading Agnes & the Hitman for the 7th(?) time the other night, and I told him I always see the people I would cast for the various parts when I read it: Mark Wahlberg as Shane, Reese Witherspoon as Agnes, Matthew McConaughy as Taylor, etc. He asked why I don't just right the screenplay. I've been toying with the idea ever since. I just am totally unsure of how you would go about starting that, especially when it's someone else's book. May have to do some looking into that.


7. My room still looks like the victim of a natural disaster and I'm struggling to motivate myself to change it. I know I need to finish unpacking and actually set up my life here, but it's really hard to do. I just feel overwhelmed, and it makes me want to throw everything but my books out and start over. In reality though, I don't think that would really cure anything. I think it would just be another way of avoiding the reality of this current situation, and I really just need to embrace this and find the joy.


8. I received a letter in the mail this week from one of my family group girls from FUEL this year. Marisa sent me a beautiful letter and a bracelet she'd made and told me exactly what had stuck with her from all the things I said while we were at FUEL. The whole week I worried that I was saying too much and that the girls were just glazing over. I kept praying that God would give me all the words I needed to be saying to them. He came through for me as he always does. It was so cool to see how God touched one of my girls' hearts and see what kind of change it's making. God does amazing, amazing things.


9. I've been reminded of how awesome my friends here at home are. Jay and Morgan especially. Jay is coming to the house for our first front porch talk since I've been home (how on earth we managed to go the whole summer without one still confuses me), and hopefully it will catch us both up on each others' lives a bit. We need that. And Morgan, sweet, hilarious Morgan. Morgan has been good at reminding me that we need to spend time together, and that dinner each week always brings me joy and helps me to walk away smiling about something. God blesses me so much.


10. Books. Beloved, wonderful, glorious books. I've been staring at my shelves again, and I'm realizing that I really am finally breaking my book collection down to EXACTLY what I love best. Everything else is given away or returned to the original owner with lovely thank you notes or donated to the library. The collection may shrink, but now it's easier to see who I really am. I love the worn binding on many of my books and the scribbled notes and highlighted portions of each of them. Each is so loved.

This is but a tiny, tiny portion of my life right now, but it's still what's going on. You needed to know. I needed to say it. And now:

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (12:31 am CST):

• "Bella's Lullaby" by Carter Burwell


• "New Moon (The Meadow)" by Alexandre Desplat


• "Jacob's Theme" by Howard Shore


• My wonderful friend, Amy's adorable, brilliant new blog: http://lovesewbeautiful.blogspot.com/


• Texting (I still miss the iPod, but this will do for now)


• Knowing my bed is a few feet away and in a few more moments, I'll be asleep there


• The much cooler weather

Cure...Maybe, Cure.

“Authoritatively, and in a doctorly manner, Wayan ticked off on her fingers the six elements of her Fail-Proof Broken-Heart Curing Treatment: ‘Vitamin E, get much sleep, drink much water, travel to a place far away from the person you loved, meditate and teach your heart that this is destiny.’”
-Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I'm currently following the drink much water and travel to a place far away from the person you loved part. I need to get more sleep and try the Vitamin E. I haven't done much meditating, but quieting my mind down would be helpful. It's the last one that I'm struggling with the most. Destiny. Ugh.

On the other hand, I really want to be able to do this:

“Launch yourself into all the things you’ve been putting off for all the wrong reasons. Make room in your life for a puppy. Learn to navigate by the stars. Revive the lost art of conversation. Practice kissing. Bathe in the innocent bliss of daydreams. Do the things that make you the sort of person you really want to hang out with.”
-Bradley Trevor Greive, The Book for People Who Do Too Much

I mean, that's what I want to be. I want to be a kind person and fun. That would be nice. Someone even I would want to hang out with. I need some work. Seriously.

Being that this is the 4th of July, I am reminded of the fact that just a few years ago I was sitting around worrying about whether or not Jay would show up and disappointed when he didn't come, but thrilled to have met a new friend in Brandon Clark ( http://ginhouse.bandcamp.com/ ) who played his guitar on my porch and sang his beautiful, beautiful music and made life great. A year later I was worried because Jay WAS coming to the house and I was still working on just being myself around him, but he came and we had a great time and Brandon came back with our friend Jessica once again to play music late into the night. Every year since then...the 4th has been something of an anomaly and wonder.

Today will be no exception. I have long since stopped being infatuated with Jay, but he has become one of my best friends. Instead today I am in the process of trying to figure out life, yet again, but the sunshine, perfect weather, good food, wonderful music, and brilliant friends make any hint of darkness light up with the glow and power of every star in the night sky. God is an an amazing planner. I don't know what He's got up his sleeve for the future, but He keeps changing my plans and life just keeps getting better and better.

May your 4th be something full, glowing, magical, and beautiful like the fireworks and sparklers we'll be seeing tonight.

Love,

J

Favorite things of this very moment (3:51 pm CST):

• The smell of grills around the neighborhood getting warmed up and cooking 4th of July feasts


• Josh Garrels ( http://noisetrade.com/joshgarrels ) ...I've fallen in love with this angel man's voice and his beautiful music and lyrics that write the words of my heart...


• My camera


• Working on Nikky & Yan's wedding stuff


• Knowing I should get to see friends this evening during my families annual 4th of July cook out

For a Moment

Imagine for a moment that you have a deep knife wound or cut. It's not fatal, but it's very painful. It's been stitched up and it's healing slowly.

Imagine now that about the time it starts really healing that someone walks up and, without warning, rips the stitches out in one clean motion.

That...that's exactly what this is like.

Every time my heart begins to feel like the ache is slowly healing and easing away, like I'll get over you...that it won't break my heart that you're dating someone who cannot possibly want anything good or be after your good...

The stitches get ripped out again.

Heal me or leave me, baby. I'm tired of this wound and I'm tried of not being able to heal. And I hate having dreams that make me restless and more tired in the morning than I was when I finally got to sleep.

Take me and heal me or simply leave me. Get out of my dreams and thoughts and all of it. Or come and claim me completely.

The in between can't be healthy.

Save me or set me free.

Whatever the case, stop pulling my stitches out and leaving me open...

And Now I Can Be Free

Dear Glawar,

In the past few weeks I have been thinking about you a lot. I know that things between us will never be the way they use to be, but I do need to get a few things out of my system.

I was sitting in my marriage and family counseling class last week, and a strange situation was brought up, and my professor told me that I should really work on getting to the root cause of the problem. What was the issue you might ask? Well, a friend of mine tried to touch the back of my knee. He was teasing me, and I know that, but without even thinking I turned and slapped him so hard that it left the imprint of 3 of my fingers on his arm. Fortunately he just thought this was hilarious and brushed it off and even apologized for startling me. I still feel really bad about it. I should not have reacted that violently. The more I've thought about it, the more I realized that this is partially due to the relationship you and I had.

Do you remember all the times I tried to touch you? I didn't want you to do anything crazy, and I never tried to pressure you into doing anything wrong. All I ever wanted was for you to put your arms around me, to hold my hand, to kiss me. I just wanted to know that you found me desirable in some way. There was never a time in our relationship that I didn't want to be close to you. I wanted to touch you. You had the most beautiful red hair, and you never wanted me to touch it because you were afraid I would mess it up. You had lips that I gladly would have spent all day kissing, but you would barely let me peck you on the lips. You had hands that I could have studied and held for forever, but you could only hold still with me for so long. You had a back that I gladly would have rubbed every knot out of, but you never seemed to feel I was good enough to do that.

I have spent the past 7 years gradually becoming more and more aloof from people physically, and after really thinking about this, I've realized a lot of this comes from the fact that I am terrified of being rejected. I no longer believe anyone could want me to touch them. The repeated rejection from you when you would reject me and then a few minutes later tell me that you couldn't wait till we were married...it didn't add up. How could someone want to marry someone that they never wanted to be physically close to? How could you want me when you never seemed to be interested in showing it? How could you want me when I spent every day being rejected by you?

I don't think you ever realized what you were doing to my heart, and I know there are a lot of reasons for why you did this, but I need to be able to forgive you for the part you played in breaking my heart and causing me to lose faith in my abilities and desirability.

Do you know how hard it is to believe that someone could ever want me to touch them or love them when in the back of my head I can only hear your rejections? I still remember the first and only time you ever thoroughly let me kiss you. We were standing in the darkness of your driveway and you'd walked me to my car, and I remember staring up at the stars for a long time with you. I remember thinking that those millions of stars couldn't compare the the beauty of the man I loved, and you kissed me. It was beautiful and passionate and I wanted it to be every moment for the rest of our lives together like this, but instead it ended up being the only time you ever let me kiss you like that. I remember you ended the kiss, and while I was thrilled and hungry for more, you told me that it wasn't a good kiss. You NEVER let me kiss you again. From that moment on I barely got a real kiss out of you. Do you realize the remaining 8 months of our relationship had barely any passion to them?

I told myself time after time after time that you really did want me. That this would change after we were married.

And I believed it. I believed in you. I believed in your crazy plans and I believed that you really did want to marry me. I believed that shortly after we graduated that you would propose, and that as soon as we could after that, you would marry me. I believed that when we were married, you would let me kiss you all the time. Not those passionless kisses, but real fiery kisses. Kisses that would turn my insides out. I believed that after we got married I'd get to touch you because at that point you'd want me to. I let myself believe that you were just trying to protect my purity and your own.

How could I have been so blind? How on earth could I have let you reject me all that time and never catch the obvious fact that you didn't love me at all? I might as well have been dating a love song. You were all words and flowery statements, but you weren't a real person.

And you let me apologize for everything. You made me feel guilty for loving you. For wanting you. You made me feel guilty when I was trying to do nice things for you like write you love notes. You wouldn't even read them, and then you'd act like it was silly for me to waste my time writing these things to you because clearly you already knew anything I was going to say. Why on earth did I need to repeat myself? And if I ever asked you to do anything...like actually show me any kind of love at all...this was my own issue. You didn't need me to show my love, so why on earth should I need it?

Or how about all the times you flirted with other girls? You were always flirting with someone else, and if I ever questioned it or told you it made me feel uncomfortable and jealous you would tell me I was being silly because you were going to marry me. Why should I feel jealous when obviously you loved me? And I believed it.

It's been almost 7 years since we broke up, and I still bear scars from every rejection, lie, and excuse you ever gave me.

I'm sorry it's taken me all these years to just say this, but darling, I still love you. I will never let you have my heart again, but I do love you. I still see good in you that I think you forget exists, and I do forgive you for this. I think all that I've been through, and all that I went through with you, it's made me a far stronger person. It's also made me a lot more understanding and helpful for other people who have been through painful relationships like ours.

If I ever hurt you, I am truly sorry for this. I'm sorry that I wasn't what you needed, and I'm sorry that I assumed you were who I was meant to love. I hope someday we both find what we really need, and that God heals our hearts.

Love you always & forever,
Minas

I Need You.

(The above photo: Explorations 1 by Cole Rise)

For my Marriage and Family Counseling class, I have been reading John Gray, Ph. D.'s book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. The fourth chapter is on motivating the opposite sex. Everything he has said about women so far is dead on. The worst part is that as I'm reading this I'm realizing how bitter, angry, and distrustful I've become of men in the past 10 years.

I was reading through this today questioning if it was possible to find a guy who really does want to take care of a girl. I turned to Amber and Regina and asked where these guys are hiding. Where are these men that want to actually take care of the woman in their lives? Have I missed them entirely?

It makes me frustrated because I know I sound so terrible and bitter for saying that, but I'm feeling the aching in my chest, staring at the scars that cover my heart and hope, and I am reliving the rejections I've dealt with all through growing up. I've had a couple boyfriends, and I'm not saying they were bad guys, but they weren't mature enough to take care of me. One of them is a cause of more wounds and brokenness than I can explain and the rejections of that relationship and the hollowed out spaces in my heart that he left...I've never figured out how to fully heal those.

God made men and women differently, and I'm glad. We're different physically, emotionally, and mentally in ways. These are good things. They enhance our friendships and relationships. We're interlocking puzzle pieces that fit together to make something even greater.

My problem would be the walls. After facing the pain of so many rejections, I have developed a facade which seems like such a joke most of the time, but I wonder how many people are willing to believe in my silence. Do people really believe I'm this strong? Or brave? Or kind? Or any of the things that I try to put across...

Truthfully, I am tired, worn, scared, scarred, aching, lonely, and desperately holding onto the flicker of hope that says that there's someone out there that will want to spend the rest of a lifetime with me. Someone I can count on. Someone who will laugh with me, but be willing to hold me when I feel like I'm falling apart.

Someone who will hold me when I feel all the wounds reopening so that I don't fall apart.

I'm praying it happens soon because I don't know how much longer I can hold out. My hope may flicker out.