(43) Tripping my Own Heart

It's pretty bad

When you're the one

tripping up your own heart

How do I grow?

Where do I go from here?

Your new life seems happy

buying houses

thinking about starting a family

Your wife inserting your name into conversations 

Is it sick to still wish

I knew

if even for a single moment

you thought about

picking me?

I just wish I could understand

why I never had a chance

Am I not pretty enough?

Or thin enough?

Is it because I really can't dance?

What's my fatal flaw?

Or did I throw it away 

when I didn't give you a full answer

that night in the car?

Or kiss you that day you backed me into a wall to talk?

Apparently I'm neurotic 

& obsessive,

but I still wish I could tie up

these loose ends

in more than just my dreams

Soon you'll see my face again

hopefully,

even with my heart on my sleeve, 

when you look through me

You'll see a better woman

than the one I use to be

Jumble Heart, Tangled Head

How absurd to fear something fictitious? There's nothing there. There's nothing there. 

Sometimes the darkness still brings fear flitting through my chest. Not of the darkness itself because the quiet light of the night suits my eyes but of the things that show up to haunt me when I am aching to forget. 

The images and sounds that comprise my nap time nightmares or memories I would rather not relive...both keep trying to enter my sleep deprived body. 

Then I remind myself that Jordan blessed this house. He walked through each room with Becca, and he prayed. I know that God listened to Jordan's prayer, and I believe in God's protection over this place and those who live here. 

So why does something in me still scream in this?

Why am I still reliving old wounds? The death of my best friend, a man I loved and believed in walking out on me, images from things I've seen or books I've read (real and fictitious happenings), feelings of loss...

I want this gone. I need this gone. So many weeks now and still I can't sleep. What is haunting me?

Why am I feeling guilt over someone else's life choices? 

I still can't comprehend how my heart still feels surges of loyalty and fierce need to protect a man whose heart is not mine to fight for. He made his choice. During the day, I make progress, and I see growth in my heart moving forward. 

But the dreams have started again. 

I lose him in my dreams. He struggles outside my reach. He's broken and hurting, and I wake up only remembering that nothing was right and uneasy. I worry in these fevered moments that maybe it's not just a dream. 

I wish my heart could understand what my head knows, but then I think...maybe that needs to be flipped around and it is my head that needs to learn from my heart. 

Whichever, whatever...

God, guard my dreams. I just wish I could either remember them and understand them or end them once and for all. 

Find

I don’t know who or what I’m writing this to tonight, but here goes:

I don’t know who I am. I know that I am a 24-year-old girl who loves to read. I know that I get sucked into the Internet and facebook more often than is probably healthy for any single person. I think I’m going to have to take a day off from facebook every week. I have no idea when or how I will force myself to implement this, but it would be good for me.

I know that I am dangerously overweight, and I’m feeling pathetic because I’m watching my beautiful mother become healthier and healthier as she gets older, and I’m the one falling apart. I also know that part of this is this weird selfish, stupid longing of mine to have someone fall in love with me while I’m in this fabled “ugly duckling” stage of who I am. Somehow I seem to still think that having someone decide that they love me would cure me instantly of this bizarre inability to eat like a healthy adult. I’ve seen bits of myself that seem to really do just that because I’ve fallen for people that I thought I could change for, but the fact of the matter is: I don’t love myself enough to change.

I know I am selfish. I am foolish. I feel guilty every time someone is willing to help me pay off parts of my tuition at ABC, and I never feel like I am capable of expressing my thanks the way I should. So, so many people have been kinder to me than I could ever believe I deserved, and yet, I know that as Donald Miller says I am not above the charity of God. This past 6 or so months of my life have been a lot of me learning that when I commit to trusting God for providing for me that He will come through for me.

I know I feel like a failure every time I see people I went to school with or when people ask me what I intend to do with my life because I have no idea how to tell them what I’m doing. How does someone explain that they’ve decided to reattend a school that told them they couldn’t come back for a second year because they were so broke they couldn’t pay for anything and that the school doesn’t provide Bachelor’s degrees in anything that you could ever make any real money with? How do you explain that you have no idea how to be an adult and that you feel like a complete failure in that? You watch people you grew up with get married and have kids and buy houses and date like normal people and become beautiful people and productive members of society, and you feel more like a fool and a pariah and a teenager every day.

I also know that it’s insane for me to feel this much aggravation to myself. People are constantly trying to cheer me on and I know that I am capable of good. I will never be able to express my gratitude for the faith my parents hold in me or for overhearing my mother telling people how blessed she feels to have four truly intelligent children. Knowing that my father is excited to have me back home because I’ll make him pies, for my brothers to get excited because I’ll be around to play board games with them, and to simply talk to the oldest of my brothers because…well he missed me.

It’s also been completely strange because I’ve realized “home” isn’t really here anymore. The strangest part of that was realizing what caused this…well, realization: the lack of lighting. I had no lamp here. Not a real one. I can’t be in my bedroom here at the house and not have a lamp. It throws off everything about my night. When I noticed that there was no regular lamp for me, I realized this wasn’t home anymore. This makes me feel silly, but it’s true. Plus, this room doesn’t feel right. Sure, there’s still a huge number of pictures and papers hung on the walls, but they don’t feel like home. There are bare shelves and half-packed boxes everywhere. Within the next year or two…this room will no longer be mine. It will be a guest room, and I will come and stay here when I visit. But this is not home.

A month or two ago I was reminded of this cool website that shows a collection of Polaroid pictures of people and at the bottom of the Polaroid people state something that they wish to accomplish before they die. The one that hit me hardest was one of a young guy probably around my age who simply said that before he died he wanted to feel like he was home again. This didn’t break my heart, but instead, it encouraged me. I am not alone. I know that many people go through a stage of wandering. Nothing feels quite right to some of us. We’re full of wanderlust and dreams. We just want to find where we belong.

I wonder how long it takes to find home.

And is home a place or is it a person or an idea? Is it finding what I want to be? Is it falling in love? Is it the right location? I guess I’ll know when I find it.

A friend of mine was recently told that the guy she liked couldn’t be with her because he needed time to figure out who he was and what he wanted to do with his life. I can see where he’s coming from a little, but I think he was using this time in his life as an excuse. I don’t think this is right. Sure, I’m screwed up, but if I [have] found/find the right guy, I will do what I can to make it work out. I’m not going to waste my life wandering around when what I’m longing most for is right in front of me. I think her ex-boyfriend is a jerk who just doesn’t know how to tell her that he doesn’t really want to commit to her or love her like she deserves. He’s just not into her.

Today I was talking to a couple that I’m close to, and I was struck by something they both said. They were talking about how they had both thought relationships would be a lot harder than they are. Not saying that relationships aren’t a great deal of work and compromise, but they both said that their relationship isn’t filled with the drama that so many others are full of. They are upfront about everything. They don’t lie or try to make their arguments into battles to be won by one or the other. They just lay their cards out on the table as soon as a problem arises and they deal with the issues at hand. My friend said that she just doesn’t understand why people make it more complicated. She doesn’t want to fight with the person she lives with. She doesn’t like fighting with her husband and she doesn’t want to make life more complicated or fight to win. She instead just wants to get through whatever disagreement they’re having as quickly and honestly as possible. They have one of the healthiest and most stable relationships I’ve ever seen. I want that. The thing he said that stuck with me most was that it was so easy. Not marriage, but finding his wife. He is older than she is by several years and said that this might have really helped him, but he knew what he wanted and when he found her, he went for it. He was honest and upfront about what he wanted in everything, and in doing this, they didn’t have to wonder what the other one was thinking or wanting because they already knew. It eliminated a lot of heartache, questions, angst and drama.

Again, I want that.

I’m just going to keep my eyes open and pray. Hopefully when the right thing comes along (or if it is already present) God will give me the eyes, heart and brain needed in order to recognize love where I find it.

Hopefully I’ll also be able to come to terms with the fact that I’m a messy, ridiculous kid and that I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. I just want to follow God’s lead and find courage and hope in every day and His provision.

Maybe I’ll start a God box and put all my wishes, hopes, prayers, and dreams in it to trust them to God and put them right out of my mind and into God’s hands.

Searchers

"You seem like a person use to consequences."
- Princess Ithaca, "Princess"

I find it amazing how often situations go wrong because we don't tell the truth.

If we were honest with ourselves and each other, so many complications could be avoided. It's the many secrets and masks we wear that cause problems. that's what breaks hearts and tangles us in webs.

If we were honest with each other, life would be easier. We would not be broken by false hope. Life would still be just as romantic.

I realize that the pain we feel often allows us to feel joy more deeply, but...I do believe that we should be more honest about ourselves. Why do we not ask questions or give true answers?

We're scared and we're searching. But if we're all scared and we're all searching...shouldn't that be all the more reason to be honest? To be searchers together?

After all, what is any good story without a search? Every life contains a quest. A search for meaning. A search for love. If a person is smart, it seems that they realize those two searches are actually intertwined.

Jaymin in Real Life

http://

Favorite things of this very moment (12:21 pm CST):

• "Dan in Real Life" & it's soundtrack
• Post-It notes
• That my stomach muscles ache which reminds me that I did the right things this morning and did Pilate's, and if I keep doing this, I might actually have REAL stomach muscles someday or at least a stomach that I'm not totally ashamed of
• Amazon.com
• Knowing my "nephew" Xavier was born yesterday evening and that he's beautiful
• Having new projects to work on
• The sun shining even if it is winter and a wee bit chilly outside
• Contacts which make so many things in life easier
• My cell-phone
• Poetry (specifically if it's about love...even if I'm beginning to doubt the validity of my knowledge concerning that topic in any and all ways...and I mean the topic of love, not necessarily the topic of poetry)

Is it bad to dislike someone you absolutely adore? It comes on suddenly. Sometimes I can't get enough of him...actually I can never get enough of him...that's the problem.

Somewhere in the course of the past few months I allowed a distance to grow between us because I was afraid of my feelings and life and being too attached to someone who can't see you as anything beyond a younger sister. Instead of lessening how I feel for him, it only seemed to make the ache that much deeper. Wider. Like the ocean. Yet smaller, like a snowflake or a grain of sand. My feelings are a paradox.

I'm trying to grasp onto this, to understand it.

He's playing tonight at a church in a nearby town. Normally, he calls by this point on the Saturday he plays to tell me he's playing and see if I want to come. I keep staring at my phone trying to decide if I want to call. Maybe he's not really playing tonight. Maybe he switched weeks with someone.

Or maybe he doesn't want me to come because he'll be meeting her afterwards...

I'm pretty sure that I'm just over-thinking this like I do so many things so often. I seem a wee bit incapable of dealing with rational thought. And I also seem to enjoy the term "a wee bit" a might too much.

I want to someday own a house like the one in "Dan in Real Life." That way I'll be able to have everyone I love comfortably under one roof, and it will be near a beautiful body of water...a lake, the ocean, a gorgeous river. Somewhere beautiful to spend wonderful hours doing nothing but enjoying being with the people I love.

Life is.

This Cannot Be My Fate

I stare at my ceiling wishing it could whisper to me some words of comfort. That it could somehow be something magical and that it could tell me that my fears are irrelevant. I could not possibly have come so close to someone only to lose them. That cannot possibly be my fate.

I adore him. He’s become the Band-Aid upon my wounded heart. Everything about him makes me smile, even his stubborn streak that lets him believe he’s right when he’s clearly wrong. He has been the first honest person I feel I’ve met in years and gradually he’s overcome my barriers and won my trust.

I cannot lose him now. Not after finally letting down my barriers. Not after finally coming out of the shell and prison I’ve locked myself in for so long. Not after finally finding someone I can honestly be myself with and feeling that he actually appreciates my candor and quirks.

Why is this happening? These feelings, all that I want to do with/for him, all the joy I have upon seeing him, all that I want for him…will someone else get to keep him?

The irony is that I shouldn’t be reacting like this. I shouldn’t. I’ve been praying that he will find someone. Not just anyone mind you, but the One. I want him to be happy. He’s an amazing man, but I recognize the ache of loneliness that tinges his late night emails and how he plays with talk of the future with a rather free-wheeling appearance though it rings much deeper than he wants to show. I want what is best for his life. I want him to find the joy and love he truly deserves…and if this girl is it, I guess I will have to relinquish my hopes and let him go.

But is she? Can she see how wonderful he truly is? Does she appreciate his honesty and his straightforward manner? Will she find him too abrupt? Will she appreciate his ability to help anyone and everyone ever searching for someone to fill in for their band? Can she understand the level and commitment of his faith? His strength in his belief? How he can eat a large pizza all by himself in a manner of minutes? Will his smile send her heart racing? How he can't understand what a hangover is like because he's never had one, but still absolutely loves a good beer? Does his laugh keep her smiling long after he’s gone? Will she find his fear of centipedes endearing, even if it means that it will take both of them to get rid of one? Will she encourage his ability as a writer? Will she be able to have extensive conversations on the most pointless of topics? Will she be at every show to encourage him? Will she be constantly telling people about his talent? Will she feel empty when he isn’t present? Will she find herself unable to banish his face from her dreams at night (would she want to even if she could?)? Will she write him letters? Will she let him know how amazing he really is on a regular basis? Will he be able to fully be himself? Will she try to change him or demand him to be or do things that he doesn’t want to do?
Can she really love him like I do?

Maybe I don’t really love him. Maybe I just see him as something more than beautiful. Someone incredibly wonderful that I wish could love me. Maybe I’m in love with the idea of him right down to every strand of hair that falls into his beautiful green eyes and the way he yawns…

Or maybe I have allowed myself to fall in love with my best friend.

Send the Light

Favorite things of this very moment (11:07 pm):

• Having a stack of letters from Nikky to reread tomorrow
• Having a stack of new books to read
• A notebook covered in squirrels...bwahaha
• My cell phone
• Ben's honesty and logic
• Prayer
• Beds that don't try to eat you

I've been home from Ohio for 4 hours, and I already wish I was back.

God and I had a talk on the way home. The tears I've held in all weekend magically appeared several hours into the trip and lasted for quite awhile. I need to be more positive and more confident, but it's been a real struggle lately. Between the issues with money and the hopelessness and the overwhelming feeling of restlessness...I just don't know what to do next.

It's just that ever since I've been home from ABC, I feel I've lost something. A piece of me is missing...my worth, my purpose. People keep trying to explain my purpose to me, and so far, I haven't found a single one of them to be truly right. Sure, I've been able to help out in different areas, but as far as permanent position here...no. Nothing.

Where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to do?

I am scared. I'm scared to uproot myself and move, but to be honest, I need a bigger space, new room to grow. It's like those plants that have to be transplanted because their roots start to strangle them...that's kind of how I feel.

I adore my family, and if I end up being called to leave, I will miss them terribly. Don't misunderstand that, it's just that...I feel like I may need to be somewhere else.

Ben thinks I need to be somewhere else. I've got a lot more praying, reading and pondering to do...but he may be right.

Your Eyes

Sometimes I like to look deep into his eyes for minutes at a time. Sadly these eyes aren’t really looking back at me like I so often wish they were, but rather, staring out of a picture into a void where I am not. They simply stare into the lens of the camera…but on nights like this, it’s enough to fool me.
He has beautiful eyes, this boy. I should call him a man, but we’re still so young. In fact, he once told me he hoped he never really was looked at as completely grown up. He felt it was important to stay young. I agree with him, our innocence, ideals, and love should never grow old, but I can’t say I always want to be seen as a child. Not, of course, that this was what he meant, but…
Like I said, he has beautiful eyes. They are laughing eyes. The kind of eyes that always seem so kind and gentle and full of mirth. It overflows into his smile. I’m glad his eyes have this expression to them. It makes him so much more approachable and wonderful. Some people have beautiful smiles that never reach into their eyes and it’s this silence, this complete lack of emotion that makes them seem dead. As if part of their soul was missing. People with eyes like that terrify me, but not him…no, he has beautiful eyes.
It’s like that Peter Gabrielle song, Your Eyes:

Love, I get so lost sometimes
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
When I want to run away
I drive off in my car
But whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

All my instincts, they return
And the grand façade so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

In your eyes
The light the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes
I see the doorway
In your eyes
to a thousand churches
In your eyes
The resolution of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes
Oh, I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
The heat I see in your eyes

Love, I don’t like to see so much pain
So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired, working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you, to keep me awake and alive

And all my instincts, they return
And the grand façade, so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

In your eyes
The light the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes
I see the doorways to a thousand churches
In your eyes
The resolution
In your eyes
of all the fruitless searches
Oh, I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
The heat I see in your eyes
In your eyes in your eyes
In your eyes in your eyes
In your eyes in your eyes
In your eyes in your eyes

I get so lost in his eyes. They fascinate me. I get so lost in them. In their possibilities. I look forward to every moment I know I will spend with him whether he is that excited or not. His energy and joy and laughter, they renew me. Knowing I will see him soon drives me toward my goals.
He is the “resolution to all the fruitless searches.” He could be the One. The One. This possibility scares the living daylights out of me, but I can’t deny it anymore than I can deny my own longing for it to be true. I want it to be him. So badly. I want him to be the resolution. The answer to my lonely nights and days.

But in a moment, this is all gone. No matter how long or how hard I look into your eyes, it doesn’t change the fact that that your beautiful eyes aren’t looking into mine. They never really knew me at the time the picture was taken. The picture was taken before I was part of your life, and as much I’d like believe, new pictures don’t see me any clearer.
I look into your eyes and realize that there is nothing there to mirror this desire. Instead, there’s a hunger and I know you’re still searching. And I remember that this is not mine to choose. I’m waiting, and the real question is…will I ever get to look into your eyes and see the love I have reflected back to me?

But those eyes…

Coversations

She said she didn'tcare. She was trying to fool herself. Why should she care? He wasn’t going to. Or at least it sure didn’t seem like he would. Maybe she should ask, but no, no she couldn’t do that. She didn’t want to be an inconvenience to him.
Maybe it wasn’t even that. Maybe she was just afraid. She didn’t really want to know. Somehow, maybe it was better this way. This not knowing had its advantages. After all, if she didn’t know he disliked her, she could always hope. On top of which, wasn’t it his job to make the first move? He was the guy after all. Maybe it was time he stepped up to the plate and took a swing. She felt like she’d been doing all of it. She made mix cds, she left him notes, she made him laugh, she checked on him when he was sick, she encouraged him. He seemed grateful for her friendship. Seemed to enjoy her company…but nothing was ever said.
Sure he’d made her a mix cd and came to hang out with her when she asked, but it only seemed to be in groups. Was he scared of her? If only the songs on the mix had really meant something. If only they hadn’t just been songs by bands he loved. She wondered if he had realized that her mix cds were like letters. Each song chosen carefully and only for him.
Maybe it was just as well. Maybe he was meant to have someone better. Someone prettier, more musical, talented, perfect. That’s what he deserved anyway…perfection.
She sighed to herself. She went through the familiar list: believes in God, good with kids, was an amazing singer, played and wrote his own music, funny, handsome in a casual wonderful way, brilliant, accomplished…yes…he was perfection. She found herself sighing yet again praying God would provide her with some obvious direction. All she wanted was to know if she was crazy for sticking around so long.


He said he didn’t care. He was trying to fool himself. Why should he care? She surely wasn’t going to. She was just treating him like all her other friends. Right? The emails, checking up on him, always noticing when something was different, telling him she liked his new songs. Wasn’t that something she would do for anyone?
And what about the mix cd he’d made her…Hadn’t she realized he wouldn’t do that for just anyone. That she was special. He’d spent several months working on that mix. Each song specifically about her. Each of them secretly whispered his longing, his love.
Didn’t she see the look in his eyes? That he meant each and every word he said to her. That in each and every sentence he was trying to tell her.
He loved the way she laughed. It was so free and so frequent when he was around. His friends believed she cared, but he couldn’t believe it. Wouldn’t she have told me how she felt? Written me a note or something. She’s was such a brave girl…
He sighed and stared at the dark ceiling of his room. Just praying God would give him an answer before he went crazy. What was he going to do?


She looked at the clock. It was flashing 1:37 AM in the most blindingly obnoxious fashion. Thank goodness it was a Saturday. She could sleep in…well if she got any sleep at all she could sleep in, but she wasn’t holding out much hope anymore.
She got out of bed and grabbed her laptop. Sitting in her overstuffed chair staring at a blank screen would have to help at least a little bit. Maybe an answer would come while she was typing. She’d find the perfect words, or at least words that would help express her feelings.
Let’s be realistic, she thought. There’s no way I’m going to come up with the perfect words. She opened iTunes and starred at it. Another mix was going to have to happen. It was really the only way to say anything anyway…always through the words of others. I’m such a coward, she thought and started finding songs.


He was pacing again. He had been laying in bed for over an hour and had finally given up any hope of going to sleep. He replayed the evening over in his head again.
They went out bowling with some friends. He always made sure he would be there if they went out in a group. He wished he had the nerve to hang out just with her, but he was really sure he would say something stupid or embarrassing. He couldn't bear the thought of her deciding she didn't want to be around him anymore. Why take the chance? But she had spent most of the evening by his side. Always realizing when it was his turn before he did. She even tucked his tag in. How did she always notice these things? Such insignificant details, but she always did. He loved this about her.
Another friend of there’s had tried to teach her how to bowl. He could tell this embarrassed her, so he hadn’t said anything. Just remembering to comment when she did a good job. Tried to make her laugh. Thanked her when she reminded him it was his turn, when she picked the lint off his shirt, and talked to her whenever he could.
He was getting pretty good at keeping their conversations going. She never seemed thrown when his topics didn’t flow. And she would actually answer his questions with honest sounding answers. She was amazing.
He thought she was wonderful. Everything about her. She was perfect.
He picked up a notebook and his guitar. At least all the angst is good for something, he thought.


There, she thought. It’s done. She stared at the list on her screen:

In This Diary mix:
Faith – George Michael
If Only She Knew – O.A.R.
In This Diary – The Ataris
You Really Got Me – Van Halen
That Thing You Do – The Wonders
Stay With Me – Finch
Waiting – Jimmie’s Chicken Shack
Your Winter – Sister Hazel
Quitter’s Never Win – Jonny Lang
On Call – Kings of Leon
Reckless – Better Than Ezra
Kiss On – Tyler Hilton
Southern Girl – Incubus
Brass Bed –Josh Gracin
Waiting in Vain – Bob Marley
Don’t Move – Butch Walker
Questions – Jack Johnson
Sparks – Coldplay

You can’t be much more obvious than that. She hit the burn button and made two copies. She knew she would need to be reminded of this bit of recklessness on a regular basis for awhile. If he didn’t catch on, at least she would have been able to get some of those feelings out of her head. But what if he does catch on? The thought paralyzed her. No, no looking back. This needs to be said. Even if this is the only way I can do it…