Noah & Allie

I remember a time when I believed that I was Noah from The Notebook.  Not the movie version so much, but definitely the book version.  I knew who my Allie was, and I still believed that somehow, someday, my Allie would some how turn back up at my doorstep and we'd find a way to make it work.  Not because it would suddenly be easy, but because we'd realize that what we had was worth the fight every day.

I can't help but smile at my hope then.  He was such a muse.  I wrote a great deal of my very best work because of him.  I knew how I felt about him always, but time's let that change.  I'm grateful for what we had, and I hope to someday find something even better.

It's amazing how opening an old book and seeing words you underlined in what seems a lifetime away can reawaken old memories and dreams.

(4) Miss Me

I am tired of people

telling me

that they're sure you miss

me

You were his best friend

He always told you things

You cut him off, remember?

Of course, I remember

I remember everything

I know I cut my ties,

but in my defense,

You cut ties first

Once you were my oasis

in a desert

then one day I woke up

dying of thirst

realizing my eyes had

fooled me

You were too good to be true

a mirage in desperate heat

Still I searched

You remember, I hope,

that postcard

of the flying car

that you saw & knew

I'd love

(you always knew

how to make me smile)

It came in the mail

without warning

we hadn't spoken in

months

(not since that proposal--

no one warned me

that was in her cards

not mine)

Then the flying car

Your words were clear

as day

but muddled every

thought

You missed me

You wanted to have one of our long talks

You missed me. 

You. missed. me. 

Me. 

There on a postcard

Plain for every postal worker

who carried it between us

to see

You missed me. 

When you saw me next 

(with her in your stead)

I had barricaded my heart

You hugged me close

told me you were glad

to see me

You'd missed me

I smiled

and tried to keep

the strangled scream

of broken heart &

broken dreams

out of my eyes

We never had the talk

you claimed you wanted

I nearly pulled her out of the house

When she crashed the wrong party

the steady hand of drunks kept me at bay

Do you have any idea

how much the weight

of regret feels on

a heart that never

was brave enough

to speak the whole

of truth?

You asked me once

if I thought you were doing the right thing

Of all the people to ask

You trusted me

And I failed. 

This was wrong

it was going to hurt you

But I stayed my tongue & heart

told you only half

Never once did I give you the truth:

I love you.

Time & distance & walls

marriage & age & life

All the bricks I wish I could

tear down

But it won't change this

You're gone

& I can't believe there's 

even a second

where those words could be true...

that you 

miss

me

Jumble Heart, Tangled Head

How absurd to fear something fictitious? There's nothing there. There's nothing there. 

Sometimes the darkness still brings fear flitting through my chest. Not of the darkness itself because the quiet light of the night suits my eyes but of the things that show up to haunt me when I am aching to forget. 

The images and sounds that comprise my nap time nightmares or memories I would rather not relive...both keep trying to enter my sleep deprived body. 

Then I remind myself that Jordan blessed this house. He walked through each room with Becca, and he prayed. I know that God listened to Jordan's prayer, and I believe in God's protection over this place and those who live here. 

So why does something in me still scream in this?

Why am I still reliving old wounds? The death of my best friend, a man I loved and believed in walking out on me, images from things I've seen or books I've read (real and fictitious happenings), feelings of loss...

I want this gone. I need this gone. So many weeks now and still I can't sleep. What is haunting me?

Why am I feeling guilt over someone else's life choices? 

I still can't comprehend how my heart still feels surges of loyalty and fierce need to protect a man whose heart is not mine to fight for. He made his choice. During the day, I make progress, and I see growth in my heart moving forward. 

But the dreams have started again. 

I lose him in my dreams. He struggles outside my reach. He's broken and hurting, and I wake up only remembering that nothing was right and uneasy. I worry in these fevered moments that maybe it's not just a dream. 

I wish my heart could understand what my head knows, but then I think...maybe that needs to be flipped around and it is my head that needs to learn from my heart. 

Whichever, whatever...

God, guard my dreams. I just wish I could either remember them and understand them or end them once and for all.