(4) Miss Me

I am tired of people

telling me

that they're sure you miss

me

You were his best friend

He always told you things

You cut him off, remember?

Of course, I remember

I remember everything

I know I cut my ties,

but in my defense,

You cut ties first

Once you were my oasis

in a desert

then one day I woke up

dying of thirst

realizing my eyes had

fooled me

You were too good to be true

a mirage in desperate heat

Still I searched

You remember, I hope,

that postcard

of the flying car

that you saw & knew

I'd love

(you always knew

how to make me smile)

It came in the mail

without warning

we hadn't spoken in

months

(not since that proposal--

no one warned me

that was in her cards

not mine)

Then the flying car

Your words were clear

as day

but muddled every

thought

You missed me

You wanted to have one of our long talks

You missed me. 

You. missed. me. 

Me. 

There on a postcard

Plain for every postal worker

who carried it between us

to see

You missed me. 

When you saw me next 

(with her in your stead)

I had barricaded my heart

You hugged me close

told me you were glad

to see me

You'd missed me

I smiled

and tried to keep

the strangled scream

of broken heart &

broken dreams

out of my eyes

We never had the talk

you claimed you wanted

I nearly pulled her out of the house

When she crashed the wrong party

the steady hand of drunks kept me at bay

Do you have any idea

how much the weight

of regret feels on

a heart that never

was brave enough

to speak the whole

of truth?

You asked me once

if I thought you were doing the right thing

Of all the people to ask

You trusted me

And I failed. 

This was wrong

it was going to hurt you

But I stayed my tongue & heart

told you only half

Never once did I give you the truth:

I love you.

Time & distance & walls

marriage & age & life

All the bricks I wish I could

tear down

But it won't change this

You're gone

& I can't believe there's 

even a second

where those words could be true...

that you 

miss

me