(24) Ex

What's funny is that
you were a terrible boyfriend
& somehow I'm the one
at fault

Pretty sure I felt I was
smothering you
(which I was)
& you needed to be free

How did you convince me
to break up with you first?
Genius.

Why, 10 years later,
(at 2 am)
am I remembering details of you?

I blame New Girl
because Nick Miller
is my spirit animal
(why did that phrase
become popular)
that & 2 1/2 drinks & the pancreas from hell
(Do you remember how well I use to drink?
Never a hang over
No crazy behavior --
my body is a jerk,
times change)

No, I don't still wish
we were together
time, new hope, space, sexuality changed that
(Plus you still make my dating history
look like the punch line
of a badly worn joke
"Didja turn him gay?"
or I get pity eyes &
feel-better statements
"You were too good for him...
clearly if he didn't want
to be with someone as
incredible as you,
he MUST be gay.")

It's just...

You were still the first man
I adored
The first real kiss
The one who turned my blood to fire
Who made me believe
the future
could be something magic
& not a lonely place

I just miss feeling certain
of something
I wanted
Something worth pursuing
& fighting for

Now I am just trying to finish
One project, just one,
Livin' on a Prayer lyrics
Can't make me hope

This really isn't about you.
I guess,
it's just a couple of drinks
& an old typed out play
that crossed Hamlet with The Wizard of Oz
(brilliant)
reminding me that I use
to have fire for life

& a heart to believe
in a happy ending for me