(24) Ex

What's funny is that
you were a terrible boyfriend
& somehow I'm the one
at fault

Pretty sure I felt I was
smothering you
(which I was)
& you needed to be free

How did you convince me
to break up with you first?
Genius.

Why, 10 years later,
(at 2 am)
am I remembering details of you?

I blame New Girl
because Nick Miller
is my spirit animal
(why did that phrase
become popular)
that & 2 1/2 drinks & the pancreas from hell
(Do you remember how well I use to drink?
Never a hang over
No crazy behavior --
my body is a jerk,
times change)

No, I don't still wish
we were together
time, new hope, space, sexuality changed that
(Plus you still make my dating history
look like the punch line
of a badly worn joke
"Didja turn him gay?"
or I get pity eyes &
feel-better statements
"You were too good for him...
clearly if he didn't want
to be with someone as
incredible as you,
he MUST be gay.")

It's just...

You were still the first man
I adored
The first real kiss
The one who turned my blood to fire
Who made me believe
the future
could be something magic
& not a lonely place

I just miss feeling certain
of something
I wanted
Something worth pursuing
& fighting for

Now I am just trying to finish
One project, just one,
Livin' on a Prayer lyrics
Can't make me hope

This really isn't about you.
I guess,
it's just a couple of drinks
& an old typed out play
that crossed Hamlet with The Wizard of Oz
(brilliant)
reminding me that I use
to have fire for life

& a heart to believe
in a happy ending for me

(8) For Your Birthday

You remember the summer

you loved me?

You were sweet & funny

though boundaries seemed to be

a weakness

You told me you'd 

never go to far

Even though

your eyes betrayed your heart

Do you know you're

the only man who

ever made me feel

wanted

& desired

I still miss 

your fingers

laced through mine

or your hand

at the base of my spine

We watched fireworks 

from my front yard

& I told you my

heart & fears

I made you forget, 

for awhile at least,

the ghost of a girl 

you'd been chasing

for so long

You never meant

to love me

You never meant

to stay

It still, 

to this day,

surprises me

that you would've stayed

(think it startled you too)

but my heart was

a fire

roaming fast ahead

of me

burning me down

& burning my bridges

to the life you

were willing,

finally,

to work towards

In case I never told you,

You cut a gorgeous figure in a suit

Your smile could light up the darkest room

Your arms always felt safe

You were enough,

more than enough,

for any girl

(let alone me)

Please don't ever doubt

your strength & worth

based on me

I was young &

slipping through 

like water to the sea