(8) For Your Birthday

You remember the summer

you loved me?

You were sweet & funny

though boundaries seemed to be

a weakness

You told me you'd 

never go to far

Even though

your eyes betrayed your heart

Do you know you're

the only man who

ever made me feel

wanted

& desired

I still miss 

your fingers

laced through mine

or your hand

at the base of my spine

We watched fireworks 

from my front yard

& I told you my

heart & fears

I made you forget, 

for awhile at least,

the ghost of a girl 

you'd been chasing

for so long

You never meant

to love me

You never meant

to stay

It still, 

to this day,

surprises me

that you would've stayed

(think it startled you too)

but my heart was

a fire

roaming fast ahead

of me

burning me down

& burning my bridges

to the life you

were willing,

finally,

to work towards

In case I never told you,

You cut a gorgeous figure in a suit

Your smile could light up the darkest room

Your arms always felt safe

You were enough,

more than enough,

for any girl

(let alone me)

Please don't ever doubt

your strength & worth

based on me

I was young &

slipping through 

like water to the sea

Prayers & Pictures

I need some bananas or fruit or something. Something delicious and distracting. Actually, what I really need is to just need to shut and pray.

Dear God,

Give me the strength to deal with the insanity of my life, and with being single. I'm tired. I don't even mind being single. Really, Lord. Sure, it's not exactly what I consider optimal, but I can deal with it considering I'm pretty sure that I'm still trying to get my life together and I am not sure it would be fair to drag some nice guy into this mess. But...feeling the the perpetual 3rd wheel (or 7th...) is frustrating. How do normal people do this? Right now I almost wish that arranged marriages were still common here because at least then it would take my trying completely out of the equation. You know me, Lord. You know my heart. Please help me out here. I don't want to be the crazy roommate. I don't want to be jealous. I just want to be a good friend and a hopeful/helpful one. I'm not sure I'm doing much of that lately, and I'm sorry about that. Thanks for holding onto my heart.

Love,

J

Good Luck to You & Happy Valentine's Day

("Extraordinary Mind" by Andre Jordan...this was what made me love his work from the very start)



Favorite things of this very moment (8:22 pm EST):

• My freaking iPod
• Purple boxes full of Kleenex
• Two sleeping puppies curled up on the floor
• Knowing that people I love are in love
• The Damnwells

I NEED to escape. There's only so much I can do before my heart explodes. Thankfully I have projects of my own to deal with. Bruno Mars has a voice that could probably soothe anything stressful and wrinkled out of my system. The ironic thing is I have been totally fine all day. How exactly is it that a person can feel sane and normal until after 8pm. Maybe I'm just not good at dealing with the night.

On the other hand, I'm pretty sure I'm completely blessed. I was given a completely wonderful letter by my lovely roommate, Amber today. Made me cry, and made me super happy. Sometimes you just really need someone to tell you that they think you're awesome. Especially when you question that about yourself. I'm always questioning something anymore.

Oh look a distraction!

Life is beautiful, and I am grateful for the infinite amounts of love and kindness I have frequently been the recipient of lately...well really, I've always been this blessed. I just have a tendency to forget that.

I am grateful for Amber because she reminds me that I'm wonderful and tries to keep me grounded in reality when my heart is trying to run off without my head. Especially since lately my heart seems highly disconnected from reality. And I talk too much. Way too much.

I am grateful for Jake who adores Amber and is a brother to me now, even if that never becomes a legal reality. I'm glad he's a part of my life and I hope that never changes.

I am grateful for Nikky because she puts up with all my nonsense and still loves me. Even when I'm highly undeserving and an undeniable whiner. Really, she deserves a better best friend than me, but I hope she knows how much I love her. She doesn't hear it nearly often enough.

I am grateful for my mother. I'm not sure if she will ever realize how much of the time she is what is holding me together in the end. When my world is falling apart, my mother is usually the one who tells me I'm alright and that God will keep me together if I just let Him. How often do I need that kind of reminder? More often than I want to admit.

And God is good. Beyond good. God is amazing, and then more so. He's blessed me with a family that believes in me and is proud of me, and He's blessed me with friends who have my back and remind me that I really am something beautiful in my own time.

One last bit before I leave you. It's a verse that I've loved for a long, long time, and it's the one I always think of around Valentine's Day, so bear with me. This is Song of Solomon 2:7 from The Message:

"Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer: Don't excite love, don't stir it up, until the time is ripe - and you're ready."

Today's Words

Good Things of this very moment (7:45 pm EST):

• Blank cards to write notes in
• Dating books (I'm a freaking joke today)
• Knowing I got my butt to the tennis court to play today
• "Say Yes to the Dress"

I'm feeling a bit like death at the moment. Not sure why I'm so drained, but I am. I guess it's probably because I had such high expectations for this day. My day has not been bad, it just wasn't what I had wanted.

Why is it that I want things that I can't have and have no claim on? Is this human nature or just selfishness and/or insanity?

I want to be better.

One last thing, I've had a verse in my head all day that I love:

"Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good." -Romans 12:9 (from the Message)

I love this verse, and I'm going to hold onto it. Hold it in my heart and my head, and hopefully I'll do exactly what it says. That Paul was a smart guy.

Life, But No Raptors Yet

(Picture by captain and company)

Should a person feel so comfortable with someone that they can lean up on their chair in front of them for a good 6 hours? So much for me behaving, although, I really haven't done anything weird or wrong. I am not trying to steal any one's boyfriend (because, let's face it, I do not stand a chance here at the moment), but I'd take him if he asked me too.

Moving on, so the Packers won the Super Bowl. My real question is why does no one pull people who are bleeding off the field and clean them up? Someone needs to do that.

Also, the drama of college life is always both hilarious and impressive. I can't decide whether we're dealing with crazy aliens or just incompetence and double standards. It's hard to say.

Things I am Truly Thankful For (12:47 am EST):

• Sam's current presence in GA and the time I got to spend with him today
• Having Amber, Regina and Kimmie as my roommates
• Knowing my family and my church family back home are all cheering me on
• Knowing my schedule for the week
• Texting on the iPod
• People who are willing to pay for pizza
• Not being in trouble (Yet.)
• Getting to sleep in tomorrow
• Brown Bag lunches (I'm so looking forward to that tomorrow)
• Having a beautiful apartment to live in
• My bed (even if it's crazy squeaky)

Life is super weird, but it's very good.