Seeing This Side of Morning

I love that at 2:05 AM my brain is not only awake, but it is trying to tell me I'm a failure. This children--THIS--is why you should go to bed at a normal time. Like 11 maybe. It will help you avoid talks with yourself at 2 in the morning where you find yourself pointing out every time you failed again today. All the points where you let the bad in, the to-do's you managed to forget, the resolve you lost, the bills you still haven't paid. 

Why can't my brain focus on the good things: finding out a friend of mine wishes he could race for the rest of his life, realizing how close to complete the Children of Change website is, a peach milkshake, Dean "makin' pie," planning a run for tomorrow, getting travel plans figured out for my trip home in June...

Why can't I just hold myself together for a day? Why can't I just get my head around this idea of taking care of myself so that I don't end up diabetic or have the pancreatitis come back and so that, if I ever find a good guy and settle down, I could maybe actually have kids?

I just get so frustrated that even with the list I have of reasons...I still let myself down every day. I am a mess. 

But it's 2:16 AM, and this means it's a new day. I am calling for a restart. Let's try this again. 

(93) You

Glorious nights of eggnog & giggling

RiffTrax & friendships

Quick conversations with beautiful hearts

There's always hope

Always a reason to smile

Little things, big things

Maybe home isn't a location

But where your love is

Even if that means home is in 3 or 4 locations

At least I have (a) place(s) to call home

Have you realized yet

That a part of my heart travels with you

All I Say

Dear,

Hey...I want to apologize.  Lately, I've been sending you tones of texts, even when you can't/aren't responding.  I'm sorry if this makes you feel smothered or makes you wonder if I'm kind of a creep.  It's just, that, well, I trust you.

I know you may be sick of me.  I probably say too much between the texts, posts and letters, but sometimes I just need to get things out of my system.  You are my safe harbor, my sounding board, and when I find something beautiful and worth sharing; you are who I want to tell.

Hopefully the mix cds don't make you uncomfortable or bored.  Maybe they're not all the kind of music you'd typically pick, but they're the songs that write out my stories, letters, words to you, if you listen.

I'm sorry if I call the women you fall or care for idiots.  It just makes me crazy when you're chasing a girl who clearly can't see you like I do.  No woman alive is worth your time if she doesn't see how incredible you are.

Do you really realize how I see you?  I see you for the good you truly are, and the man you are working to become.  You are kind, brilliant, witty, honorable (even in unlikely circumstances), even poetic when you fight, interesting, musical, talented, inspiring, a romantic (to your very core), and incredibly handsome (even if you can't always see it).

You see, I adore you.  This is why you receive this insane plethora of words, ideas, secrets, hopes, and dreams whether they flow or not, because, I guess, my bigger hope is that you want to know my secret worlds as much as I want to know you, and I am sorry if this is not the case.

However you feel, I have never meant anything but the best for you, and I hope we can always joyfully be a part of one another's lives.  I will keep dreaming, and I will do my best to lift you up.

Even if I never get a chance to become a deeper part of your life, God put you in my life for good reasons, and I intend to cheerfully see it through.

With love,
J

Ps.  Did this just make it weirder?  Eh.

Leadership Mentor

Today I was asked to be someone I adore's leadership mentor. Basically I will be discussing questions from his ministry leadership class with him as they are given out. I don't know what all it will entail, but I agreed to it without thinking. It was just one of those things that caught me off guard.

Sometimes it is a surprise to realize someone sees you as more brilliant or good or wise than you see yourself. At least, it is always a surprise to me.

I wish I could have been there in person for him to ask and not 850+ miles away. I wanted to hug him.

Swimsuit

Favorite things of this moment (5:53 pm EST):

• Knowing that in my room on the top shelf of my bookshelf is an English to Italian dictionary that looks like it was well-loved by a previous owner


• "Eat, Pray, Love"


• Sam


• The iPod


• A very, very large glass of ice tea


• The desire to travel that is deep, deep in my soul and permeates every bit of me on days like today


• Knowing that God knows what He's doing and where He's leading me


• Having a reason to grow, to want to wear dresses, and to let Amber talk me into buying a swimsuit (which I still can't believe happened...wow)

Yes, I bought a swimsuit. I have not owned a swimsuit in years and years. I no longer knew what I could look like in a swimsuit, and I haven't wanted to see it. I've been too terrified and broken.

Today at lunch Amber told me I needed to let her go with me to look for a new swimsuit. She knows how I feel about every my body and how embarrassed I am about everything. I feel immodest, just at the idea. It was so scary, but Amber poled the table (naturally) and was told repeatedly that this was a good idea. What sealed the deal (naturally) was her asking Jake if men find it attractive for a woman of any size to wear a bathing suit with confidence, and him saying yes.

So, with that concept hanging over my head, Amber and I went to the store. Miraculously, she grabbed something I glared at her for even picking up, and, of course, that turned out to be exactly what I needed. I now have a bathing suit that looks like a super cute sundress. Weirdest thing ever.

I really don't remember the last time I wanted to be cute. The last time I wanted a dress. The last time it mattered. When was the last time I really wanted to dress up for anyone? To be honest, I can't think of a time when it has mattered like this.

Maybe this isn't a huge surprise. Or maybe it's just not that big of a deal to you, but this is a huge thing for me.

I bought a frickin' swimsuit today. I want to own sundresses. My life really is upside down. For the first time perhaps ever, I am actually really okay with this.

Life is crazy, and, you know what, I LOVE it.

Life, But No Raptors Yet

(Picture by captain and company)

Should a person feel so comfortable with someone that they can lean up on their chair in front of them for a good 6 hours? So much for me behaving, although, I really haven't done anything weird or wrong. I am not trying to steal any one's boyfriend (because, let's face it, I do not stand a chance here at the moment), but I'd take him if he asked me too.

Moving on, so the Packers won the Super Bowl. My real question is why does no one pull people who are bleeding off the field and clean them up? Someone needs to do that.

Also, the drama of college life is always both hilarious and impressive. I can't decide whether we're dealing with crazy aliens or just incompetence and double standards. It's hard to say.

Things I am Truly Thankful For (12:47 am EST):

• Sam's current presence in GA and the time I got to spend with him today
• Having Amber, Regina and Kimmie as my roommates
• Knowing my family and my church family back home are all cheering me on
• Knowing my schedule for the week
• Texting on the iPod
• People who are willing to pay for pizza
• Not being in trouble (Yet.)
• Getting to sleep in tomorrow
• Brown Bag lunches (I'm so looking forward to that tomorrow)
• Having a beautiful apartment to live in
• My bed (even if it's crazy squeaky)

Life is super weird, but it's very good.