Swimsuit

Favorite things of this moment (5:53 pm EST):

• Knowing that in my room on the top shelf of my bookshelf is an English to Italian dictionary that looks like it was well-loved by a previous owner


• "Eat, Pray, Love"


• Sam


• The iPod


• A very, very large glass of ice tea


• The desire to travel that is deep, deep in my soul and permeates every bit of me on days like today


• Knowing that God knows what He's doing and where He's leading me


• Having a reason to grow, to want to wear dresses, and to let Amber talk me into buying a swimsuit (which I still can't believe happened...wow)

Yes, I bought a swimsuit. I have not owned a swimsuit in years and years. I no longer knew what I could look like in a swimsuit, and I haven't wanted to see it. I've been too terrified and broken.

Today at lunch Amber told me I needed to let her go with me to look for a new swimsuit. She knows how I feel about every my body and how embarrassed I am about everything. I feel immodest, just at the idea. It was so scary, but Amber poled the table (naturally) and was told repeatedly that this was a good idea. What sealed the deal (naturally) was her asking Jake if men find it attractive for a woman of any size to wear a bathing suit with confidence, and him saying yes.

So, with that concept hanging over my head, Amber and I went to the store. Miraculously, she grabbed something I glared at her for even picking up, and, of course, that turned out to be exactly what I needed. I now have a bathing suit that looks like a super cute sundress. Weirdest thing ever.

I really don't remember the last time I wanted to be cute. The last time I wanted a dress. The last time it mattered. When was the last time I really wanted to dress up for anyone? To be honest, I can't think of a time when it has mattered like this.

Maybe this isn't a huge surprise. Or maybe it's just not that big of a deal to you, but this is a huge thing for me.

I bought a frickin' swimsuit today. I want to own sundresses. My life really is upside down. For the first time perhaps ever, I am actually really okay with this.

Life is crazy, and, you know what, I LOVE it.