Collab 5: Saftey Pins

Some nights I shift through Pinterest 

And I find a million new craft projects

And beautiful art by people

Who inspire me to carry forward

With my own rogue artwork 

But then suddenly 

The pictures creep in

Baby clothes

Parenting advice

What to expect when you're expecting 

And my heart aches a little

I shoo it away

(Or tuck into

The quiet corners of my heart).

I sigh.

The love of my life 

Is asleep next to me on our couch

Tucked into my side

Keeping me warm

And safe

And reminded of the pure joy

and blinding intensity 

Of our love.

But between the sweetness

Of his sleeping face,

My dreams,

All these crafts that make my brain think

Pinterest understands me too well...

I close my eyes and I sigh again

I speak to God about

The dreams I have tucked into 

The corners of my heart again,

And I try to hold onto the hope

That one of these days

That all these odds and ends and pins

Will culminate into action

And a small bundle of promise

With tiny hands

And tiny toes

Collab 3: Adrift

Lost.

These days sometimes make me feel like I'm alone at sea. I'm on a boat (not with T-Pain) in the middle of the ocean. Maybe more like Raft simulator style where I'm on a raft and have to cobble together my survival day after day. I keep getting lucky. I've pulled in enough debris to make a raft big enough to move around on and I have some supplies, but there's still no escape and the dread follows me.

Am I am bad Christian? I am trying to give God what I cannot handle. I am trying to do what I can, as a human being, to control what I can (me) and give the rest to God. But I'm still scared. I know God has all things in His hands, but I also know I can't predict the future and that i was never promised an easy life. God's in control, and I'm grateful. 

I spend each day trying to find the good and see the blessings. My husband and I are essential workers, so we're blessed to have our jobs. We can still pay bills. I am grateful. We still have our little home. I am grateful. So far, no one in our family has caught the virus, and many of them can still work. 

There is so much to be grateful for, but then I can't shut off my constant stream of thoughts. I cant quiet my brain when it points out any time anyone coughs or the number of adults claiming they know best or that we shouldn't have to wear masks or how they want hair salons and dog groomers open because how can they live without a haircut or their poodle mix getting groomed.

How can we be so selfish?

And how can we be so rude? Letting panic make us animals to store clerks or gas station attendants. Complaining about rescheduling appointments  or homeschooling. (At least teachers are finally be recognized for all the work they do.)

All I want is to protect my family. I will wear a mask. I'll go to work. I'll continue to obsessively wash my hands (as I always have). I'll wait longer. I'll reschedule. I'll try my hardest to be patient. I will do my best not to pick fights about politics.

I'll do my best.

I'll still be adrift, but eventually I'll find somewhere beautiful. In the meantime, I'll try to dream

Nothing lasts forever.

Collab 1: Blender Brain

Here I am
scribbling notes again
Chance encounters during errands,
pictures in old cabinets
sometimes the past feels
too close

Do you ever wish
she was me?
Sometimes I wonder
what you could possibly
see in me (like every day)

My beautiful eyes
and that perfect
"Doctor Who" quote
It means the world,
but I still ache to
hear you say
"You're beautiful."

I've seen her picture
She had your heart
(and more)

You love me,
I know it's true,
but I still don't
understand how you do

Am I worth this trouble?
With all my flaws and faults?
With all the ideas and beliefs?
With my brokenness, my mental health and
this busted up body of mine?

Can you see what I can't?
Because I have an ache in my heart
from the smiling stories
of all the old times I missed

My own story feels like
darkness broken by up by stars
until you showed up
and the sun rose running golden
into afternoons that feel
like home and childhood and
front porch talks

But I still find myself
laying here
singing "Hey, Jealousy"
and hating my brain,
when you smile and take my hand
"Forever and ever...no more privacy."
And I have to laugh
We are our own story
and I am beginning to realize
this is the start of something
I get to keep
and it will never end

A Catch Up

I feel overwhelmed. 

Close friends just had their second child after going through several miscarriages, and their baby girl is beautiful. Hello, new niece.  Thank you, God. 

My youngest brother and his beautiful wife are going to be having their first baby in about 2 more months. I’m ecstatic. I can’t wait to hold my nephew and watch him grow. I’m already in love with this child. 

One of my best friends and her sweet husband just announced they’ll be welcoming their second munchkin into the world in March. More hilarious munchkins to cuddle. 

One of my best friends just got a new job that is giving her a great new schedule along with moving her significantly closer to the love of her life. She sounds so happy and so excited for the future. I cannot wait to see where her story leads next. 

Two of my favorite humans and their crazy little girl moved with 3 hours of me after we’ve spent years being 7 hours apart. I can now actually visit them on weekends from time to time. Bonus: they have a pool. Ultra-mega bonus: they live in the same area as one of my wonderful uncles and his great family!!

One of the guys I grew up with, he’s basically my older brother, just proposed to his lovely girlfriend. They’re so happy, and they’ve got so much to look forward too. 

The oldest of my brothers and his wife celebrated their 5th anniversary this week. They’ve been through so much together, but they’re coming out so strong, so inspiring. Their commitment and love for each other leaves me in awe. 

I am overwhelmed. Life felt so bleak and dim for so long, but the past 2 years have made everything explode into dazzling technicolor. Such joy. 

My heart is alight. It’s been nearly two years since Tyler walked into my life and in just over a month (just 35 days), we’ll be getting married. He is my love and my heart. He grew my trust with his enduring patience and love. He makes me laugh each and every day, and I believe him when he tells me he loves me. 

I am so overwhelmed with joy. Life is so new. God is so good!

All You Had to Do Was Not Mess Up

This has been a complicated couple of weeks compounded in to this last few surreal days. 

I fell hard for a guy I met online. Which was an asinine thing to do, but I don't think I realized just how lonely I'd let myself become. You spend years walking alone, and then someone shows up who makes you feel hope when you'd forgotten entirely what that feels like...it's difficult not to fall. Suddenly I was interesting to someone who was smart and kind and polite and funny. I'd forgotten what it was like to feel wanted and desired. 

So I let myself start to believe that maybe maybe this was going to be different. This guy would stick around maybe. He wouldn't decide to date my roommate or marry the first girl who would sleep with him or decide I was just a little sister or his best friend or that he was gay or cheat on me. No. Not this guy. He was actually going to be an actual human man with a functioning heart and morals. 

Hahaha

But it wasn't to be. Instead, he turns out to be some creep impersonating some other guy on the Internet. I've spent more time crying in the past couple days than I've done in years. I hate crying. I hate feeling like I'm an idiot because I let myself hope for something. I hate that I'm making people who love me worry because suddenly they're seeing how broken I am because this exposed all the cracks in me. I hate that this wasn't real. 

Just once I'd love to see what the real thing is like. To get a chance a relationship like my folks have or my brother and sister-in-law have or like my friends have. But then I immediately feel like a jerk for selfishly wanting something so badly. 

I'm tired of wanting something I can't ever seem to have. I'm tired of feeling hollowed out and then not being able to express myself without everyone always worrying. I don't like feeling like a burden or a chore or a challenge or a worry. 

I am so blessed by the love and friendship of so many, so why am I so selfish and feel like it's not enough? What's wrong with me? Why can't I just shut off that desire? 

Why?

Fearless

I'm trying to recapture a feeling.

A few minutes ago I was having a conversation with my mother while my brain was working out a comparison between "When in Rome" and "I Hate Valentine's Day" (cute stories, but not terribly high production quality) when I felt like I got slapped up the backside of the head.  A quiet voice inside me said, "I stopped believing," and I realized it was true.

I stopped believing I'm ever going to find a guy who will ever want me.

Maybe you're saying, So, Fate takes care of these things.  He'll come. Or maybe, You're right, you'll be single forever with that attitude. Or the classic, Just enjoying being single.  You just need to be patient.  He'll show up.

Blah blah blah.

No.  What I'm saying is, I stopped believing in my ability to be anything any man will ever want.  I'm not saying this so anyone will feel sorry for me.  I'm saying this because it suddenly hit me that I really don't believe, and now I'm angry at myself.  Angry enough to consider rewatching every romantic comedy I've ever loved (and have just realized I've been avoiding for the past few years now), read oodles of romantic poetry, reinvest in trash novels and dating books...and reread all my late friend Zuni's emails yelling at me about love.

How the heck did I let myself get to here?  Oh yeah, letting bitterness eat away at my heart for the past few years.  That may have something to do with it.  Gah.  I'm an idiot.  I think that after my last true heartbreak, I shut off my heart.  I worked hard not to care too deeply or get too attached because I knew that at any time any guy I chose to care for could walk away or, like the guy I was in love with, they could chose to completely erase me from their life and marry some other girl.  It hurt so much.  So much.  So much.  It still does some nights when the wind blows just right and whips its way through the tattered bits, but this is a worthless excuse.

I use to be fearless.  I use to be so crazy about love and so passionate about finding the guy I was going to marry.  I knew he was out there.  I knew.  He was real and solid, and I use to have dreams about him.  I didn't doubt that someday in the future I would settle down with someone who I could love like crazy who would love me the same way back.  I'd fall in love with my best friend just like my folks, and I would have a great life.

But now I am just a coward.  I'm so scared of getting torn up again, and so sure that it will happen every time that I'm struggling to keep going. I keep shoring up other peoples' broken hearts and cheering on everybody's relationships and convincing them to take the risks I'm too scared to take.

This isn't me.

I am the girl who will move across the country because I believe in something.  I'm the girl who has moved on her own to a variety of states to keep starting over.  I've left jobs to pursue dreams.  I've been someone's secret admirer.  I've asked guys out on dates.  I've admitted to guys that I'm crazy about them.

I am not this shell of human being that I'm hiding behind.  I am not content to work in a kitchen the rest of my life with a group of women (who, don't get me wrong, are incredible) where I'm never going to grow or make any kind of real money or meet anyone.  I am not content to be alone forever or be every guy's back up plan.

It's time I get back to being passionate and brave.  I'm going to be fearless.

The Trouble with the Night Before the Night Before Christmas

Some nights like the night before the night before Christmas can find me searching for answers. Not necessarily for the big huge important (in the traditional sense) questions, but more the ones that would only affect the corners of my heart I try not to touch anymore. 

But some nights, like this eve before Christmas Eve, shine a light on old scars begging me to remember them. What happened to that boy who once proposed to me but then left me behind? He goes by a new name, but I'd still recognize those blue eyes, the voice like velvet and that Hebrew tattoo over his heart. Time may change us into strangers, but he will always be mine in memory. 

Some nights I wish I'd made different choices or that I'd fought harder or paid more attention, but then a whisper reminds me that the end came when I was too distracted and broken by grief to truly care for anyone. Pain may not be a right excuse, but I don't think it (or its lack) would've changed the outcome. He was always walking away toward the next version of himself. 

Maybe some night, years from now, when this scar begs to be seen and remembered, there will be a new chapter to the story. Perhaps some Christmas Eve eve in the future will find him happy and healthy and recovered from his own scars and finally finally the real version of who he was always meant to be. 

Some nights I just need to empty my brain out so I can sleep again. 

Oh Santa

Dear Santa,

Year's like this I really wish I had more faith.

What I want really can't be wrapped up and delivered or carried to m in your bag and sled.  What I want, Santa, is just love and courage and hope.  I want to enter this coming year with the courage to make myself healthier and happier.  I want love because, well, who doesn't want love?  But really, I want to be able to spoil someone, to lavish affection on them, someone to laugh with and prioritize, someone who sees the best in me and desires me.  And hope...I want hope most of all.  I feel like I lack hope the most.  If you gave me nothing more than hope I think that could shore up the pieces of my heart for another year.

Merry Christmas, Santa.

Love,
Jaymin

Bits

A friend of mine has been talking about panic attacks a great deal lately. I can't claim to be an expert or to know the depths of frustration and stress people who have full-blown panic attacks deal with, but I get the feelings of terror and hopelessness that can overwhelm and knock you down. 

Every so often I'll find myself doing some completely mundane activity only to suddenly have my brain go in a spiral of pain. I've had this happen a couple times this week. The aggravating part is that the trigger tends to be something happy that plays connect the dots till it reaches the frayed ends of an old broken memory or promise. Those broken promises and lost pathes still manage to get the best of me sometimes. 

Christmas time is hard. I love Christmas. I love the fact that people tend to breathe easier, that it's totally acceptable for me to sing hymns at work, that Christmas lights twinkle everywhere and I can spoil the people I adore with immunity. 

But there are times when I'm in the midst of the joy of this season where I'll see the gap that use to hold something special. There are decorations I use every year that feel bittersweet since the love that gave them to me has left me behind. I try not to let myself focus on it for long, but sometimes you miss what you miss. 

So I guess I'll just say merry Christmas, baby. I know we couldn't make it last because you had a different universe to run, but sometimes my mind flickers and longs for a time when I was the moon caught in your orbit. I hope you still find the magic. 

I hope I do too.

Paris

Paris. I am so sorry to hear what's been done to you. This evening I turned on the news and I heard that you'd been wounded. Cruel, hateful creatures had stolen through your beautiful streets and destroyed people you cared for, people you loved, people you'd been proud of. I am so sorry. 

Paris, this world sometimes feels so overwhelmingly full of callousness and darkness, and tragedies like this push us to the brink. The amazing things is how blinding the light is that shines through our brokenness. This Friday will be one that haunts us for generations, but I pray that it will cause us to renew our strength and friendship and love for one another. Life is so short and so fragile. Sometimes it is stolen from us, but let us chose to hold together and love. 

Paris, you are so beloved. France, I stand with you. Hatred may oppose us, but we stand for love. Hate can never win. 

May God give us peace, healing, and strength to carry on and love deeply. 

Day 31: God

Dear God,

Thank you. 

Thank you for the crazy month of October. Always crazy it seems, but I am grateful. Thank you for my incredible family, for my sweet friends, for renewed friendships, for my godsons, for the changing leaves and allergy medication. Thank you for giving my a home to live in, great co-workers, and a steady paycheck. 

Thank you for reminding me of what I've left behind and what's worth fighting for. Thank you for showing me, yet again, how blessed beyond measure I am. Thank you for showing up for me. I am always blown away by the ways you choose to speak. Your kindness and live blow me away. 

And your patience, Lord. Thank you for your patience when I am stubborn and your grace when I fall. 

Thank you for loving me. I love you, Lord. 

Thank you. 

Love,

Jaymin

Day 30: Mom

Dear Mom,

Thank you. 

I could not be blessed with a better mom. You always make time for me and listen when I need to just clear my head. I always feel bad for dumping out all my issues on you, but you always listen with so much kindness and understanding. 

Thank you for reminding me that of my light when I'm feeling like I'm failing miserably. You help me remember that the story is still in development and there is still magic and color to life. 

Thank you for seeing the best in me even when I'm crying and sound like a crazy person. I am grateful that you are willing to remind me of who I am and that you love me. 

I love you, Ma. You are the kindest, sweetest, most compassionate woman I know. I want to grow up to be like you. 

Thank you. 

Love,

Jaymin

Day 14: Kimmieboo

Dear Kim,

Thank you.

I love you so much, sweet sister.  You have seen me through so many hard times and laughed with me through the good times (and sometimes through the bad times, which is the only way to survive I think).  I just want to thank you for being my sister.  Few things in life are quite so beautiful as knowing someone claims you as family when they aren't required to, and you always do.  Thank you.

It's hard for me to believe that we're as old as we are.  I still remember climbing that sand hill behind East Oregon before VBS during the summers while we were growing up (even if we weren't really supposed to do that), and I feel lucky to have known you so long.  I still find myself thanking God for pushing at my heart to go to ABC because I would've missed out on so many wonderful opportunities, but more importantly, I would've missed out on relationships like ours.  We've known each other for ever, but I am so grateful that we were at ABC together.  I can't imagine what my life would be like without you, K-boo.  Your prayers, laughter, encouragement and love are a constant source of comfort and joy.  Thank you.

On top of all this, thank you for making a place for me in Ki's life.  It's such an honor getting to be an aunt to your little munchkin.  He's such a sweet kid, and I can't believe how quickly he keeps growing.  It's going to be fun watching him grow up and being a part of all that.

Thank you for always making time for me and being a part of my life.  It means the world.  I love you, Kimmie.  You are a blessing and a godsend.

Thank you.

Love,
Jaymin

Day 11: Frorrest

Dear Forrest,

Thank you. 

Little brother, I adore you. I know we don't always talk as much as we should and that I'm awful about checking my email sometimes, but I think you should know I love you. 

Thank you for always having something new and weird to tell me. It may not seem like much, but when you tell me about the incredibly stupid parrot in New Zealand or about how if a Komodo dragon bites you that your toast, I love it. Your humor, no matter how subtle or dry, always cheers me up. 

Thank you also for your willingness to share what you are working on. Your stories are wonderful and so full of unexpected humor that they always take me by surprise. I know you don't always believe it, but I see great things in your future if you keep working like this. You've got such a gift. Plus, your writing and constant work really inspire me to keep writing. I need that, so thank you. 

Thanks for just being you, kid. I love you. I'm so proud of you and so incredibly proud to be your sister. 

Love,

Jaymin

Day 10: Daddy

(Note to my readers: sorry this is a day late. I will try to keep that from happening again. Here's what should've been yesterday's post)

Dear Daddy,

Thank you. 

Today you, Mom, Joel and I drove all over creation. It seemed that way at least. I am always amazed at how you and Mom can drive for hours without ever being completely certain of where you are without it ever bothering you. I wonder sometimes if this just is one of the benefits of marrying your best friend. You always seem capable of handling anything so long as you're together, and it seems you can find joy in the oddest situations based on this same principle. Maybe someday I'll have a better line on that, but, for now, I'm just grateful to have a good example of what a happy marriage can be. 

Thank you, Dad, for proving that good men still exist. Thank you for raising sons that are growing into good men in their own right. Thank you for being a loving husband who constantly strives to show his wife he loves her and that he sees how beautiful she is. Thank you for loving me even when I feel like I'm a total screw up. Thank you for telling me you're proud of me and for encouraging me on my pursuits. 

Thank you for being a godly example and for just living your faith on a daily basis. I know it's not always easy to do, but I am always told by anyone that knows you that you are a wonderful man and you've helped them with something (big or small) and it meant so much. I am so proud to be your daughter. I love you. 

Thank you. 

Love,

Jaymin

Day 9: Kayla

Dear Kayla,

Thank you.

I just want you to know that I love you.  Tonight I was working on a project for someone.  A mix cd.

This naturally made me think of you.  How many mix cds have we made over the years?  I know that at this point they're probably pretty passe to most people.  I know everyone just likes to share playlists or whatever, but I still can't think of much that makes me happier than having someone hand me a mix cd.  What better way to express your heart or your brain or your soul or your feelings to another human being that to sing them a letter?  Because that's all a good mix is.  It's a letter.  A story.  A way to say those things we struggle so hard to say sometimes.

You know all of this though.  You know my theories about mix cds (and letters and so much else).

Kay, we may have changed a lot over the years, but I'm glad our friendship still holds true.  I am still grateful for every hug, every bit of laughter, the cards, the whispered conversations in church, the listening ear, and the advice.  You have always cheered me on and never failed to give me hope and kindness when I needed it most.

I'm sure at times you think I've gone off the deep end with all my moves and all the weird plans/dreams that I talk about (whether or not I ever manage to pursue them), but you still love me.  I worry sometimes (okay, a lot of the times) that I'm going to turn into that flaky friend that everyone kinda snickers about because they're always the one who says they're going to move to China or go back to school or teach themselves to quilt but never do.  That person with the never-ending to-do list of dreams that never manages to live.  I am scared to death that I will be that person, and sometimes I worry that's how everyone is beginning to see me (which would be fair given the track record I've had the past few years...please, I'd love more failures...), but you still make me believe that I have a future.  I don't think I'll ever have words to express how much I appreciate your love and belief and kindness.

Kayla, you are one of the kindest people I've ever met.  I've, as of yet, never met a person who could say a bad word about you or who didn't love you immediately.  And how could it be any other way?  Everyone should be so blessed as to have a friend like you.  I love you, Kay.  Thank you for loving me and for being my sister and one of my best friends through all the insanity and grief and laughter over the years.  God really blessed me when he brought me you.

Thank you.

Love,
Jaymin

Day 7: Calle

Dear Calle,

Thank you. 

I don't know if I ever told you this before (or anyone really), but I was suicidal off and on the whole spring I lived in South Carolina. I've fought depression since I was about 13, but I'd never been that low. It wasn't even that I wanted to kill myself...I just didn't want to exist. I didn't want to feel ashamed of the total failure of CofC. I didn't want to feel the gnawing ache of loneliness or feel heartbroken and jealous that the man I thought I'd marry was living nearby with his pregnant wife. I was, undoubtedly, a train wreck of a girl. The reason I tell you this is that you were one of the reasons I held on tight. 

Calle, I think you kinda saved my life. 

Little sister, words cannot express the comfort I found in your presence and laughter and the hours we spent watching NetFlix (and Dyson's handmade vests...delightful). You were what helped keep me going because I knew I was able to do good things for you like picking you up from school whenever your mom managed to forget or talking walks or listening when you needed advice. Taking care of you in little ways and growing our friendship helped me remember how much hope is left in the world. 

God only knows what I'd have done without you. You have been such a huge blessing. 

Thank you for continuing to challenge me, pray for me, laugh with me, confide in me, and listening to me. God has blessed me so much through you, Cal. I love you so much. 

Thank you. 

Love,

Jaymin

Day 6: Mulligan

Dear Mulligan,

Thank you. 

I know you're a cat, and, to the best of my knowledge, don't read my blog, but even so I wanted to write this. 

You, my ridiculous girl, were one of the few good things to come out of my time in South Carolina (like my friendship with Calle, watching Supernatural with Evan, and realizing snails are Canadian with Jordan). I really hadn't planned for a cat, but it only took being handed a tiny black and white bundle of purring charm to rope me in. Having you curl up on my chest to sleep was the only thing keeping me alive some nights. You were a tiny, furry gift from God. 

Thank you for loving me in the weird wonderful way you do, little stalker baby. Even though you make me a little crazy when you start tripping me and talking so loud when I get up for work, I love you. There's something quiet and brilliant about having someone loving you enough to make sure they're up at dawn when you gotta leave for work that makes you feel just a little better about the day. 

Thanks, Mull. 

Love,

Jaymin

Day 5: Schmoel

Dear Joel,

Thank you.

Joel, I just want you to know that I am proud of you.  So proud of you.

You moved today.  It's so weird.  I'm glad you are getting to do this.  I am so proud of you for going back to school.  I know all this change feels a little overwhelming and that there are still some aspects that are a little too up in the air for your happiness, but I know God's got this.  You are pursuing what is on your heart and the talents and gifts God's given you.  Even if it is a challenge (and it's always a challenge), I know you are going to do brilliantly.

Thank you for pursuing your passions.  Sometimes I feel like I have begun to stale (hopefully not "stale baby" stale, but you know what I mean), but your fire and light tend to make everything brighter.  Your passion to pursue your dreams inspires me.  I am so grateful for that.

It's been a real blessing getting to spend so much time with you and watching you grow into the man you've become.  It still seems surreal to look at you now when I can just as easily remember you crawling around. It's been a privilege watching you grow up, being part of your life, and just having the awesome responsibility of being your older sister.  No matter where I am or what I'm doing, you will always be a priority.  You know where I am if you need me.

Chase those dreams, little brother.  I've got your back.

I love you so much.  Thank you for never letting anything or anyone stop you from just being you.

Love,
Jaymin

Day 1: Nikky

After what seems to be a long hiatus, I'm back.  I've decided to accept the Write 31 Days challenge for 2015, so for the next 31 days (barring the typical level of weird incidents my life likes to be full of) I'll be here writing.  We're supposed to pick a topic to spend 31 days writing about, and that is proving to be the most difficult part.  Part of me wants to write on love.  Part of me wants to write about gratitude.  Part of me wants to write about change and challenge since I'm trying to face both, so in the end I think I'm going to be writing about some of the incredible people I love as a sort of tribute/letter to them/thank you/love letter.  Gratitude for incredible people and the love I feel for them and what they do.  I hope this doesn't mess with the general idea of this challenge too much.  We'll see.  At any rate, here's day one.

Dear Nikky,

Thank you.

I started writing this letter and realized I was writing it to the Internet to explain who we are when the whole reason I was going to write this letter was to tell you how grateful I am that you're a part of my life.  I hope it's not too embarrassing that I'm doing this in a public forum and that people we know might see it along with who knows how many perfect strangers.  Somehow putting it out in the universe makes it both anonymous and incredibly long lasting, and hopefully you'll feel okay with that.

I'm just grateful.  I'm grateful you still write me letters back and tell me your stories even though we're states apart.  I'm grateful for the long phone calls when we find time to make that work.  I'm grateful that you call me your sister and your best friend.  I'm grateful for the gales of laughter over highly inappropriate things and incredibly awkward moments.  I'm grateful that you have always been willing to stand with me and stand up for me and that you've always had my back.

Even more than this, I'm glad that despite all the change, health issues, relationships, and everything that we are still friends and still manage to grow closer as the years go by.  I will never be able to express to you how incredibly honored and surprised and amazed I was when you asked if I would be willing to be your boys' godmother.  I've never been asked anything so important or so easy to say yes to.  A day hasn't gone by since you asked that I haven't been amazed all over again by your trust and that I haven't been awash with gratitude with the opportunity this affords me.  I adore your boys, and I will do everything I can to make them feel loved and wanted no matter what life brings our way.

My plan is still for us to be roughly 103 and living in the same nursing home stirring up trouble by racing our wheel chairs down the hall and scaring the crap out of the new CNA's, so you and Yan need to stay healthy and very much alive.  I'm still hoping one of these days I'll meet a great guy, settle down, and have a couple kids of my own so that my godsons can have godsiblings (is that weird to say? "godsiblings?" is that a thing?), but even if it doesn't, I'll enjoy getting to be a part of your boys' lives.  Thank you for giving me that joy.

And Nik, I love you.  We make the weirdest, best pair and I am glad God gave me you as a sister and as a friend.

Love,
Jaymin