Oh Santa

Dear Santa,

Year's like this I really wish I had more faith.

What I want really can't be wrapped up and delivered or carried to m in your bag and sled.  What I want, Santa, is just love and courage and hope.  I want to enter this coming year with the courage to make myself healthier and happier.  I want love because, well, who doesn't want love?  But really, I want to be able to spoil someone, to lavish affection on them, someone to laugh with and prioritize, someone who sees the best in me and desires me.  And hope...I want hope most of all.  I feel like I lack hope the most.  If you gave me nothing more than hope I think that could shore up the pieces of my heart for another year.

Merry Christmas, Santa.

Love,
Jaymin

2014 Letter to Mr. C

Dear Santa,

What I would really like for Christmas is self-confidence and renewed hope. I've spent this year making decisions based on fear and because of losing my job and world upending with Children of Change left me struggling to believe that I make good decisions. I want to believe. I want to believe in myself and that I can make good things happen for myself and the people around me. I know it's a weird to ask for this, but if you could find a way to bring that for me...I'd be grateful. 

Say hi to the reindeer for me. 

Merry Christmas,

Jaymin

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

Even though I never wrote you letters growing up, I am finding that I love doing this as an adult.  I love that you are a great embodiment of the ideals of kindness, generosity, grace, and hope.  You give kids hope that goodness and virtue are to be awarded, and I think we need more of that.

Getting older reminds me constantly of the desperate need of hope.  Hope for something better, for something to pull us through.  Having faith gives me hope that at the end of this life I will open my eyes to a real "happily ever after," but sometimes the day to day hope and joy and dreams get lost or broken in the shuffle.

This year, my 26th year, has been full of the unexpected, the unplanned, and disrupted, but also full of real joy and growth.  In looking back, I can see a couple of things that I wouldn't mind adding to my life, so here's my list this year:

1. A new dream, please.  The past couple years were spent wrapped in a crazed hope and deep love for a man who chose to love someone else.  I am sure time will prove this to be the right course for both of us, but it's left me with an emptiness and loneliness that tend to make nights long and give me no true outlet for my heart.  Please, please bring me a new dream.
2. Courage.  The word "cancer" rings through my head at least once a day and has me thinking about updating my will, fighting back tears, and wondering what I will do if that word truly attaches itself to my life come January...I would like the courage to face whatever comes next with true grace, gratefulness and dignity because...I am scared, and I don't want fear to win.
3. The right plan.  I am tired of having no solid direction.  I just want this to be obvious.  Do I move?  To where?  When?  How?  Clarity in this would make all the difference.
4. A ukulele.  I have wanted one for ages, and I just figure it's something that can make me smile even if I'm not good at playing.  I can definitely use something more to make cheerful, silly music with.

Thanks for reading this, Santa.  I know you're busy, and you've got lots of dreams and hopes and wishes to fulfill.  I wish you all the best for your work and Christmas.  Thanks for giving us all one more reason to smile and for lighting up the eyes of little ones everywhere.

With a cheerful heart & good wishes,

Jaymin

ps.  Could you also bring me some new purple pens?  My good one ran out of ink tonight.  Thanks, Santa.  Merry Christmas.

Santa, Baby

Dear Santa,

I think this is the first time we have ever had any kind of real contact, so I guess I should tell you, I am a huge fan of your work.  Giving for the sake of giving to reward the good...I like this.  You do good work.  If only we could make sure that kids get THAT part of your whole deal and not just a bad case of the "GIMMEES"...that would be good.  I digress.

I wanted to write you a letter like I never did as a kid.  We just never did that in our house, but I feel like I'm ready to finally be honest with you about what I want for Christmas.  Now, if you can't supply me with my wishes, I will understand.  I know you do your best, so thanks in advance for all that you do.

Here goes:

• Self-Confidence.  I realize you're not the Wizard of Oz, but if you have any way of helping me out in this department, I would be grateful.  
• Hope.  Don't get me wrong, I believe that Jesus died for my sins and that when he comes back, I'll be part of the party in the Kingdom of God, but...I could use some short term hope.  I've lost track of it somehow, and I don't know how to get it back.  Or even what is worth feeling hope for.  There's just been so much bleak and bad.  I could use a little tangible now hope.
• To Feel Wanted.  The last time I felt wanted was probably back when Ben and I were dating, and he would hold my hands and wrap his arms around me.  He always made me feel safe and wanted.  It has been a long time since anyone wanted me.
• A Reason to Believe.  You might be sensing a theme here, but yeah...
• The Drive & Strength to Take Better Care of Myself.  I already have PCOS, and I need to take care of my health.  There is a good chance I will never be able to have little ones and that breaks my heart enough.  I am tired of feeling frustrated with my own apathy and lack of change.  I need some help here.
• Financial Stability & Independence.  I think this is one I am actually heading towards, but any additional help you want to provide would be an added bonus.  
• More Reasons to Laugh.  There are never enough.
• Love.  I feel there's no need to explain.

Yep.  It's a steep list, but hopefully you will be able to help me out a little.

Thanks, Santa.  Merry Christmas.

Love,

J