Day 9: Kayla

Dear Kayla,

Thank you.

I just want you to know that I love you.  Tonight I was working on a project for someone.  A mix cd.

This naturally made me think of you.  How many mix cds have we made over the years?  I know that at this point they're probably pretty passe to most people.  I know everyone just likes to share playlists or whatever, but I still can't think of much that makes me happier than having someone hand me a mix cd.  What better way to express your heart or your brain or your soul or your feelings to another human being that to sing them a letter?  Because that's all a good mix is.  It's a letter.  A story.  A way to say those things we struggle so hard to say sometimes.

You know all of this though.  You know my theories about mix cds (and letters and so much else).

Kay, we may have changed a lot over the years, but I'm glad our friendship still holds true.  I am still grateful for every hug, every bit of laughter, the cards, the whispered conversations in church, the listening ear, and the advice.  You have always cheered me on and never failed to give me hope and kindness when I needed it most.

I'm sure at times you think I've gone off the deep end with all my moves and all the weird plans/dreams that I talk about (whether or not I ever manage to pursue them), but you still love me.  I worry sometimes (okay, a lot of the times) that I'm going to turn into that flaky friend that everyone kinda snickers about because they're always the one who says they're going to move to China or go back to school or teach themselves to quilt but never do.  That person with the never-ending to-do list of dreams that never manages to live.  I am scared to death that I will be that person, and sometimes I worry that's how everyone is beginning to see me (which would be fair given the track record I've had the past few years...please, I'd love more failures...), but you still make me believe that I have a future.  I don't think I'll ever have words to express how much I appreciate your love and belief and kindness.

Kayla, you are one of the kindest people I've ever met.  I've, as of yet, never met a person who could say a bad word about you or who didn't love you immediately.  And how could it be any other way?  Everyone should be so blessed as to have a friend like you.  I love you, Kay.  Thank you for loving me and for being my sister and one of my best friends through all the insanity and grief and laughter over the years.  God really blessed me when he brought me you.

Thank you.

Love,
Jaymin

Dear ------,

Being without you or your words, even for only two days, makes me crazy.  You're what keeps me smiling.  Sure, I hang out with friends and find ways to entertain myself, but I find that I miss you...

I hate that I can't find a way to tell you this.  I want to tell you I miss you, but I don't want to pressure you or scare you.

Sigh.

Love you,
Jaymin

Something's Gotta Give (And I Think It's Me)

Today is nowhere close to over, and it already feels like both an eternity and a blink.

I went and saw the surgeon today.  My mom went with me (because she's wonderful) and as we were driving up we were talking.  I told her I had had a dream where Dr. Soni (my surgeon) told me that he didn't want to do surgery till after Christmas, and in the dream I had immediately wanted to kill him with his own surgical implements.

My mom laughed, but then turned very serious and said, "I do think we should be prepared for the worst."
"Like what?" I replied, "Like he won't let me have surgery until November?  I mean, you don't seriously think he'd wait till after Christmas...because if he did that, I might really have to kill him."
"No, no.  I don't think he'll wait that long, but it may not be as soon as you want. Or he may tell you that they want to drain that cyst before they'll do surgery..." she paused, and I knew exactly where she was heading. "I know you really didn't like it when they talked about having to drain that before.  Especially since you know that means-"
"I know what it means, but they would have to knock me out or something.  There is no way I would let them do that with me conscious.  I would have to kill them if they did that, or at least hit someone in the face," I said to cut her off.  I didn't want to be thinking about the fact that them draining this cyst could very well mean that they would probably have to stick a great big needle in my stomach to drain the cyst.
"Maybe, but we just have to realize that this may not be something easy and that they may have options of how you can go about doing this."

This lead into a glorious conversation where I cried a lot because all I really want to do is move to Ohio.  I have been planning this move for the past several months.  I have been looking forward to moving in with Jake and Amber all this time, and had told my office that I would be leaving at the end of September.  I would be heading out and starting over and possibly actually proving to myself that I am, in fact, a real adult. Instead, things are being pushed back.  I will still move in with Jake and Amber, but now I have no firm ideas of when I will be healthy enough to move.  And this is what I told Mom.  I don't understand God's timing.  I know it's good, and that He's got better timing and plans than I have, but sometimes that doesn't make it easier, when all the plans and dreams you have been building towards feel like they're unraveling.  Especially when you already feel like you're a bit of a failure as adults go.

My wonderful mother told me that I was not a failure as an adult or otherwise.  That I am capable, that this will still work out, and that it may seem scary, but facing our fears helps us grow.  Not only do we grow, but sometimes facing those fears leads to even better things.  She told me she and my dad believed in me, and that they may not be able to always fix things, but they would never always do whatever they could to support me.  Things would work out.  God won't let me fall.

I don't know if you know this, but my parents are phenomenal people.

We finally got up to the surgeon's, and I went in and paid an exorbitant fee (because I am insane and did not get myself insurance the moment I turned 26) and signed papers and showed them my photo idea (apparently to prove that I am the only lunatic named Jaymin Cheatwood who would show up and pay a ton of money to have a surgical "consult").  Then we waited.  Sometime after I was supposed to actually have my appointment, a very sweet nurse named Maria came out and got me.

She did an initial couple of tests, weight, and had me reexplain how the heck I had gotten myself to the point of a surgical consult.  Then she told me Dr. Soni would be in shortly.  Another ten minutes or so pass, and then, lo and behold, who should appear but Dr. Soni (with his insanely long eye lashes, and incredibly messy hair, perhaps we wore a hat to work?) with Maria again to take notes.

After about 30 seconds of him poking around at my abdomen, he told me that he wanted to schedule me for another CT scan, and that he wanted me to see Dr. Ikenberry (the gastroenterologist).  He also wanted me to come back and see him after the CT scan.  He told me he really doesn't believe that the spots on my liver are cancer, but they'll still need to look at them again.  He also wants to see if the psuedocyst is going down at all and to make sure my pancreas is doing alright.  He said he really doesn't want to do surgery until the psuedocyst goes down a bit more (or they'll go in if I end up very sick), and if it doesn't, they'll have to go in and drain it.  Then he asked if I had any questions.  I really didn't.

My mom asked about recovery time from having my gall bladder removed.  He said he really didn't want to talk about the surgery and recovery time until we set up the actual procedure.  Dr. Soni seems to think that in roughly a month, when I see him next, that he'll be able to tell us more about all of that and get everything lined up.  He said they'll set up the CT scan for me, to make the appointment with Ikenberry, and that he'd see me in a month.

I spent less than 7 minutes will him, for a truly ridiculous price.  All this better be worth it.

So we left and headed home.  I told Mom that I had no idea how to feel about all of this.  Yes, they think I am healing, but I still have no idea when I'll get to have surgery.  This means I still have no idea about anything else too.

No idea when I will be feeling better.
No idea when I will get to move to Ohio.
No idea how I am going to pay for all of this.

No idea.

Mom handed me her phone and had me call Dad to tell him how things went, and as I am in the middle of telling him how frustrated I was that I paid a ridiculous (at least to me) sum of money to see a doctor that told me mostly what I had already heard, but not anything closer to me having surgery, and that I'd see him for maybe 7 minutes...Dad stops me and says, "I put $75 in your account."  He goes on to tell me that a beloved cousin had asked him to deposit money into my account to help with my expenses in all this.  I thanked him for the good news, told him I loved him, and got off the phone.

I ended up crying for the next 10 or so minutes.  I was just so overwhelmed by the love and kindness of someone who I already adore and respect so much...God's timing really is perfect.

I still don't know a lot of things about my future, immediate or otherwise, and I am still incredibly frustrated at some of this because I still don't feel like I have answers for something that should be so simple, but at the same time I know this: I am so blessed.

God is using the people I love and respect, along with acquaintances and a couple of strangers to show me that He loves me, and that He's got this under control.

Something's gotta give, obviously, and it needs to be me.

So here's my white flag God.  I surrender.  You've got to take care of this because clearly I cannot.



One last thing because I haven't done one any time recently, here is a list.

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (3:25 pm CST):

• Kleenex
• My Hawaiian Breeze fan
• Writing thank you notes
• Tall glasses of ice water and lemon
• The bracelet Nikky made me at FUEL this year which I have been wearing all day
• Mom's pep talks
• My dad
• Sleeping kitties (who are NOT on the table this time)
• Surprises

Not Dead Yet, Heart's Still Beating

Ah, such a fool I am.

Such a fool.

Heart, picked apart

the pieces strewn across the floor

That's what I have been 

waiting on

but this is new

different.

This heart is in a million pieces

But this heart is beating 

held together.

Tied together,

held in place

Love hasn't left me yet.

My 9

Favorite Things of this Very Moment (7:34 pm CST):

• "Magic" by Leagues
• The Battle of the Labyrinth by Rick Riordan
• Unsweetened ice tea
• Having my window open but my room being just the perfect temperature for me to be curled up typing this without being too hot or two cold
• The sleeping cat curled up behind me
• The letter from Sarah from my family group at FUEL this year
• Sarah
• Marisa
• Emilee
• Jamie
• Malorie
• Ashley
• Haley
• Cheyenne
• Julia

My awesome family group girls

They were incredible

I miss these girls

These pictures are of my girls.  I had 9 beautiful, hilarious, wonderful, sweet girls.  I probably haven't said much about them before, but I miss them.  They gave me 9 good reasons why youth ministry really is what I want to keep pursuing.  Working with girls like this was a new experience.  Last year I trained with an incredible lady named Julie Driskoll to be a counselor, but taking on a whole group by myself was totally different.  I learned a lot.  For instance, make sure you have snacks.  Also, foam weaponry can be dangerous when in the hands of 14-16 year old girls (or 25 year old girls...for that matter).

Most importantly, I learned that God will always give you the words you need to say what He needs you to say.  I really had no idea what I needed to be doing with these girls, even the training didn't give me a definite idea.  You kinda gotta feel your own way and figure out how you want to approach these kinds of things, and God gave me my own way.  I did a lot of praying that week that God would help me to not say too much or too little to the girls, but to help them find what they needed.

God always comes through.

We talked a lot about Romans 12:9-21.  It's one of my favorite bits of the Bible, and there is so much there to talk about.  We kinda jumped around in it, and then I talked about it all week.  It was amazing how well it tied into our theme this year which was TOGETHER.  

We talked about how we needed to be acting.  And I gave them little assignments, and made sure to do them myself.  We tried to notice all the amazing blessings God gave us big and small each day...all the things we could be thanking him for.  We also tried to do acts of kindness wherever we could.  It's amazing what something little like that can do to your perspective and your attitude.

What really blows me away?  The letters and notes and Facebook posts I get from the girls.  They have made lists of things they are thankful for, they have told me fears, hopes, dreams, and asked for prayers and advice.  They have told me how much they love and miss me, and I don't think I could ever express how much I love and miss them back.  I am so blessed to have these girls in my life.

God is amazing.  My girls are amazing, and I hope I get to keep them in my life as long as I am living.  They amaze me.  

Who are you blessed with?

Leadership Mentor

Today I was asked to be someone I adore's leadership mentor. Basically I will be discussing questions from his ministry leadership class with him as they are given out. I don't know what all it will entail, but I agreed to it without thinking. It was just one of those things that caught me off guard.

Sometimes it is a surprise to realize someone sees you as more brilliant or good or wise than you see yourself. At least, it is always a surprise to me.

I wish I could have been there in person for him to ask and not 850+ miles away. I wanted to hug him.

Seek the Good

Favorite things of this very moment (11:36 am CST):

• The Damnwell's...How I love them so


• Handmade flower hair clips that I bought for myself and others I love today (I have one in my hair, it's adorable)


• Knowing that tomorrow at this time I will be on my way to IN to see a lot of the people I love most in the world to spend a week with them at Manchester College for FUEL ( http://tpym.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=6&Itemid=13 )


• Life

Life is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

This week has been a series of surprises. I found out my good friend, Jeff will be coming down to ABC in August as will a really cool guy named Max who is from Omaha who I'd like to become better friends with. Plus, a girl who has been like a little sister to me for years, Jessica, may be coming down as well. Plus, a bunch of my friends from Omaha are coming to FUEL after all. None of them thought they were going to be able to make it, and now a whole group of them are and I can't wait to see them.

Plus, the girl that I'm terrified of being around because I know I'll say something horrid...she won't be at FUEL. I might have a real conversation with Sam for the first time in months if this is true. I miss our conversations, but then again, this may just be God proving to me time and time again that this will never work out. Who knows. Regardless, life is beautiful and He's got this.

I decided the other night that I would be enjoying life in August regardless of the situation I found myself in. My friend, Jordan and I were discussing that often August is a rough month for us. I decided we need to rename August something special. Ardently Amazing August. Affable August. Something. Something exciting. Something that will remind us to seek the good in each and every day. We need to see the good. Everyone needs to see the good.

Let me suggest this: let's make August an extremely great month. Let's see every day as a unique and beautiful gift. Every day has good in it. Every single one.

Let's seek the good.

Cure...Maybe, Cure.

“Authoritatively, and in a doctorly manner, Wayan ticked off on her fingers the six elements of her Fail-Proof Broken-Heart Curing Treatment: ‘Vitamin E, get much sleep, drink much water, travel to a place far away from the person you loved, meditate and teach your heart that this is destiny.’”
-Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I'm currently following the drink much water and travel to a place far away from the person you loved part. I need to get more sleep and try the Vitamin E. I haven't done much meditating, but quieting my mind down would be helpful. It's the last one that I'm struggling with the most. Destiny. Ugh.

On the other hand, I really want to be able to do this:

“Launch yourself into all the things you’ve been putting off for all the wrong reasons. Make room in your life for a puppy. Learn to navigate by the stars. Revive the lost art of conversation. Practice kissing. Bathe in the innocent bliss of daydreams. Do the things that make you the sort of person you really want to hang out with.”
-Bradley Trevor Greive, The Book for People Who Do Too Much

I mean, that's what I want to be. I want to be a kind person and fun. That would be nice. Someone even I would want to hang out with. I need some work. Seriously.

Being that this is the 4th of July, I am reminded of the fact that just a few years ago I was sitting around worrying about whether or not Jay would show up and disappointed when he didn't come, but thrilled to have met a new friend in Brandon Clark ( http://ginhouse.bandcamp.com/ ) who played his guitar on my porch and sang his beautiful, beautiful music and made life great. A year later I was worried because Jay WAS coming to the house and I was still working on just being myself around him, but he came and we had a great time and Brandon came back with our friend Jessica once again to play music late into the night. Every year since then...the 4th has been something of an anomaly and wonder.

Today will be no exception. I have long since stopped being infatuated with Jay, but he has become one of my best friends. Instead today I am in the process of trying to figure out life, yet again, but the sunshine, perfect weather, good food, wonderful music, and brilliant friends make any hint of darkness light up with the glow and power of every star in the night sky. God is an an amazing planner. I don't know what He's got up his sleeve for the future, but He keeps changing my plans and life just keeps getting better and better.

May your 4th be something full, glowing, magical, and beautiful like the fireworks and sparklers we'll be seeing tonight.

Love,

J

Favorite things of this very moment (3:51 pm CST):

• The smell of grills around the neighborhood getting warmed up and cooking 4th of July feasts


• Josh Garrels ( http://noisetrade.com/joshgarrels ) ...I've fallen in love with this angel man's voice and his beautiful music and lyrics that write the words of my heart...


• My camera


• Working on Nikky & Yan's wedding stuff


• Knowing I should get to see friends this evening during my families annual 4th of July cook out

These Few Blessings of Mine

So...I haven't written anything in a little while, so I thought I'd show you a bunch of picture of people I adore and talk about them a little. It will make me happy, and hopefully it'll make you happy too.
Jeff and Amber. Jeff is hilarious and wonderful, and I am glad I met him. It's nice to know that there are wonderful crazy people out there to meet. Especially when they have such voluptuous nostrils. Also, there's Amber...what can I say on Amber? She's my lifeline. I consistently need to have her in my life. God could not have blessed me with a better sister. I am grateful.

Sam. He's my favorite. There is so much to say about Sam. For instance, the weekend this picture was taken will probably forever be one of my favorites. He is laying on top of a stack of mattresses with Mitch underneath them. It's hard to explain. Sam makes me laugh, think, and inspires me to better things on a regular basis. Sam is a good man, and he gives me faith in men. I'm sure he doesn't know how valuable he is, but I'm genuinely glad he's a part of my life on a daily basis.

Jay. This is my "big brother." He's one of the best people I know. When my life seems to be coming apart at the seams, Jay is there to make sure that I get put back together again. He's truly one of my best friends, and my life would be much less musical and awkward without him.

Regina. One of my fabulous roommates. Regina can dance beautifully, make me laugh every single day, and is a great velociraptor. Trust me. She is a genuine and gorgeous person inside and out. I don't know how I got along so well before she became a part of my life. She has truly become one of my sisters.

Jake aka. the Garble. This picture will forever make me laugh. The bow tie, that ridiculous face, and the great Santa hat. Definitely one of his finest moments. Jake is the younger brother I didn't ask for, but I'm glad I was given. His insanity and brilliance make any event more memorable.

Jordan. Mr. Durham has become one of my best friends in the past year or so. This picture is a good explanation of why. The duck arms...Jordan has the ability to make me laugh until I cry on a regular basis. He is a rare mixture of hilarity, brilliance, passion, and goodness. I adore him for all of these reasons.

And, last but not least, Nikky. Nik is one of the most beautiful, charming, hilarious, brilliant, talented, passionate, wonderful people I know. I will always and have always loved the way I can talk to her about anything, and she always understands. Even the most vague of discussions work well for us. She is truly the sister I never had. I hope she is always, always, always a part of my life.

Obviously these are not the only people in my life, and there are many more I love, but I thought I would share this with you. They are good and wonderful people, and I can't imagine my life without them.

Check

5. Make a baby blankets for Jerry & Carrie’s little one and Dan & Rachel’s baby too.

9. Make mixes for more people.

11. Write more thank-you’s.

18. Hang the Swan in the apartment.

36. Buy/receive/inherit/collect an external harddrive.

40. Watch “Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist” with Regina

44. Try to encourage Cynthia.

45. Shred whatever old financial junk that is feasible and safe to shred.

Yep. So far, so good.

Friends, Trust, and Provision. Thank You, God.

(An old picture by an old friend)

Favorite things of this very moment (11:01 pm EST):

• My gray sweater
• Amber's lovely iPod aka. my texting device
• Good mail
• "Father Figure" by George Michael (it's catchy, what can I say)
• God providing in unexpected ways
• Encouraging friends
• Earl Grey tea

Tonight I realized there are several people in my life all willing to fight for my honor. It was one of those things that you really don't expect and it came from a situation that seemed both silly and stupid, but it was nice to know I have people around me who not only care about me, but also are willing to offer to hit someone in the face for me.

I realize this sounds a bit barbaric and ridiculous, but who doesn't want to know that there are people willing to protect them. I know I need this. The ironic thing is, I was the one person in dealing with this incredibly stupid situation that wasn't initially upset. I just felt bad that so many other people ended up involved, but we'll find a way to resolve it without anyone getting hit in the face. It will be alright.

God was in the business of showing me that my hope is best left in Him today. I've been wondering where money would come from again, but had managed to stay calm. Staying calm in a situation like that is nearly impossible for me, or at least it always has been, and so this is amazing to me. I keep seeing God provide for me in crazy and unexpected ways. It's beautiful. Today this came in the form of a card from friends who both encouraged and provided for me. I now have a little something to keep me afloat. God always provides. Just never how I expect. I am so grateful. So, so grateful.

Life is so unexpected...and I'm okay with that.

One Way Sign

Favorite things of this very moment (5:58 pm CST):

• Iced sun tea
• The fan blowing on my back
• Headbands
• Knowing my friend Noel and I will be planning to get together again very soon
• Having my deposit check for my apartment ready to send out tomorrow
• Having my classes officially picked
• Having my payment plan worked out and sent off to be approved
• Sunshine
• My glasses (even if I do have a red line on the side of my nose)

Today has been good and a little bizarre. Worked this morning and got a lot done. Of course, little, if any, of it was really what I intended to work on today. Not a big deal though. This just means that I won't be out of work early any time soon, and that is very good news. I also made the decision today that I will be taking advantage of over time when it is available starting either tomorrow or Thursday (depending on how busy the office is). This will give me some extra and much needed cash. Much of which will probably go directly to college tuition.

I did get my classes picked out, my deposit stamped and ready to go into the mail tomorrow, and my payment plan worked out. I sent the payment plan in to have that approved. Hopefully they will get back to me in the next day or two and tell me that's all set up.

Then I also got to see an old friend, Noel, today. It was just lovely to sit and drink coffee with an old friend and hear about her kids and her life. I miss just listening to other people's stories. Plus spending time with other people always leads to the creation of more stories, and what's not to love about this. The best thing though today: talking to Noel was just as easy as it always has been. She's just as nice and funny as she was when we were growing up. And she understood my crazy decision to follow where the tug in my heart is telling me to go (Atlanta). I don't hear that nearly often enough, so it was a comfort.

Today has been lovely. Just another bit of confirmation that I'm headed in the right direction.

I don't think there's anything worse than feeling helpless and hopeless.

Today I feel helpless. I'm watching someone I care deeply for hurt, and I'm just not sure what can be done to change that. I really wish, on a number of levels, that I could turn time back a little and see what might have been.

Although, I guess it's the "might have been's" and the "what if's" that are really the problem at the moment.

And I wonder, when will things change. People always say things will change when you least expect it. The thing is, that seems to make you sit and wait even more. Instead of causing you to walk away, that kind of statement just makes you hold on to that wish even harder, but this time you close your eyes.

Closing your eyes doesn't actually change anything. If just makes everything dark.

I'm going to just keep my eyes open. I'm going to watch for change because walking away doesn't seem to work. And I'm going to pretend those cliches aren't well known for real reasons.

Let's pretend the world is fresh and new and that everything really is as possible as you think it is when you're a kid.

Maybe that's what it takes to change.

Maybe.

Quiet

(The picture above is one that Jeffrey Leifheit took. I'm fond of it. I think it perfectly illustrates my mind at this moment.)

Favorite things of this very moment (4:20 pm CST):

• Quiet
• The scars on my hands, arms, knees, and heart
• Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
• Time
• Knowing it's Friday and I'll be heading home in a half hour

"What worked yesterday doesn't always work today. Prayers can become stale and drone into the boring and familiar if you let your attention stagnate. In making an effort to stay alert, I am assuming custodial responsibility for the maintenance of my own soul."

- Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Today has been better. Last night I received a phone call from my dear friend, Kayla. Between her and Nikky sometimes I really feel that God spoils me. To have a pair of such kind hearts looking out for me is truly amazing. She called to see if I'd heard any news about my interview. I told her I hadn't heard anything, and she reminded me that maybe something had come up there in their office that prevented them from getting ahold of me. I had to agree that this was a possibility, and I told her I'd get in touch with her today after I'd talked to them. I had already decided before she called that I was going to need to talk to them today. I needed to know something. She said she'd be praying.

I then called Nikky. I'd neglected returning her call from the night before because I'd been in such a lousy mood, but I realized last night that not calling her was probably only perpetuating the darkness of my mood. God puts people in your life so that you can enjoy them and so that there is someone you can lean on and vent to when you're dealing with life. Nikky is all of those things, and talking to her last night made everything seem much easier to deal with. I sat outside with a glass of ice tea and laughed. Sometimes I forget that no matter how bleak or frustrating a situation, Nikky will always help me find laughter. I don't know why that is. I don't think this is something she spends her days thinking about, but something in her kindness and concern always helps me to release everything that I've been holding onto. She often, without realizing it helps me tie back into God. Mostly though, she helps me forget myself, and that's the greatest gift of all.

Clearly I am not the world's most patient girl. I never have been, and maybe in this seemingly endless search for a job and a place to belong and a hope for a family and love of my own in the future is just God's way of saying, "Hold up. You've still got things to learn. For instance: patience. You must learn some patience."

Today I called the company I had my interview with earlier in the week, and the woman who did my interview talked to me for a couple of minutes. She was kind and polite just as she was when she did my interview, and the way she talked gave me some peace with that situation. She said that the owner is still trying to figure out exactly what he would like to do. She said she had thought this decision was pretty cut and dry, and she'd thought he'd have this decision made by today for sure, but apparently that wasn't in the cards. She told me she'd hopefully be giving me a call at the beginning of this next week. I told her that was fine and thanked her for her help.

There's no way I can claim that I was terribly excited about this answer, but I will say this, I'm okay with it. She didn't tell me I was a terrible person for calling and bothering them with my questions, and she'd even apologized for the wait without me saying a thing. This really is a company I'd like to work for, and it's a job I think I could really love. I mean, getting to type for hours on end every day may not seem like an exciting or wonderful job to most people, but that's exactly the kind of thing I would love. Something with easy to see boundaries where someone will tell me what they'd like me to do and then set me free to do it. I want this job.

Somewhere along the late night lines of last night while scribbling a winding and pointless stream of thought to an old friend I realized I was pouting. All of yesterday. That's all I'd done. I'd sat there and felt sorry for myself.

Here I am a 23-year-old with no job who is frustrated and cynical about so much, but for what? God didn't put me here to pout. And He didn't create an inferior product as I was for some reason yesterday and for the past several weeks allowing myself to believe. God doesn't create people only to set them up for failure. No, He creates them with love and with skills and joys and passions to do something in the world that only they can. It's up to them to willingly listen to God's voice and to follow it and to use the tool's He gave them to begin with.

I am blessed with an amazing family who loves me and supports me whether or not I'm particularly lovable at that very moment. I have many wonderful friends including a couple extremely close friends who the world is not a big enough gift to give (I'd give it to them though if I could). I have food and clean water and a fridge that makes ice (still one of the greatest modern inventions). I can read and I can write these rambling notes to the universe (and you) because I went to school and because I had wonderfully encouraging parents.

What I'm trying to say is this: Life is never so bleak as it seems.

There is always good, and I'm going to make a more conscious effort to see it and search it out. There is good in all because God is in all.

And I'm going to try and slow myself down a little. I'll do what I can, but the rest is up to God. For this I am grateful.

And you, well my friend, you are loved.

Go Serve

(Andy Shaw and I getting the garlic bread cut up and taken care of for the dinner. I think Andy is probably asking me how he needs to arrange the bread in the pan. That cracked me up. I mean, really?)

Favorite things of this very moment (12:00 pm CST):

• Knowing the Go Serve Team got my letters this morning and that it gave them all something to smile about (and possibly think I'm a psycho for...ha)
• Brand New's song "Moshi Moshi"
• Black tank tops & long jeans
• Getting a few minutes to talk to Ben
• Knowing I've only been up for 2 hours (Do you know the last time I slept in?)
• New music to listen to
• Memories of this past weekend

This weekend was wonderful.

Let me try to explain what it felt like.

Imagine being stuck in the middle of the desert without water. You're alone and you are completely dried out. You can't remember how long you've been like this, and you aren't sure how much longer you can hold on. Then imagine being found and rescued by people who love you and they have tons of cold, refreshing, life-giving water with them. That's a little bit what it was like.

I have felt like a fire doused with water. Smoldering embers of a former fire.

But this weekend was a fire renewed. The Go Serve team comes up from ABC and lights everything back up. I had a purpose and was surrounded by friends. It was wonderful. The concept of the Go Serve team is for a group of college students go around to churches around the country and help out in any way they can. They clean and help and do literally whatever they can to be of use. It was inspiring and wonderful.

Spent a lot of time talking to the crew, working with them so that I could serve along side them and help them in any way I could, made a new friend, and got to grow my relationships with some friends.

Life is good and I needed hope. Without meaning to, they definitely supplied it. God gave me a gift of a good weekend with people I love. A mini oasis in life. I am grateful. Hopefully I'll be able to further that fire. Hopefully you'll find something to do that for you too.

I've Tied My Hands

Favorite things of this very moment (11:21 am CST):

• Chad Vaccarino and his lovely voice
• Nikky's lovely mixes...she's a genius with music in English and Korean
• Heat
• Hearing the dryer running downstairs
• Knowing I have gingerbread cookies I could be making
• Being honest with myself and with the people I love
• Proving myself wrong in a good way
• Time

This morning I gave a friend of mine some advice. He hadn't asked, but I was watching him deal with a girl I'm pretty sure he's liked for longer than he'll admit, and it drove me nuts. I am a woman of action. I do not do well holding still, and watching him spend most of his weekend with this girl constantly with him made me wonder what he was really going to do.

He and I have talked about it a time or two before, but he doesn't seem to believe in long distance relationships. He feels like they can't work, and I find this hilarious. Yes, long distance relationships are hard. Yes, they are a constant struggle to maintain, but if you actually want to be with someone, aren't the good ones worth the fight?

This morning I told him he needs to do something. Take some kind of action. Either he needs to tell his girl what's really on his hard and take a leap of faith, or he needs to leave her alone.

I may not be an expert on love, but I'm pretty sure she really likes him too. I don't think she would have traveled 800 or so miles to come to a retreat by herself if she hadn't wanted to see him. Yes, she had other friends that came to the retreat we were all at, but honestly, she seemed to have eyes only for him. I know the look. I use to have the same one when he was around, so I'm not just throwing out ideas for no reason.

If he cares for her at all, even just as a friend, he'll do something. He'll either tell her that he's frightened, but he wants to try, or he'll tell her that they can't be together because he can't handle the distance and let her mend. Otherwise, he's just going to keep tearing her open again, and even if she's not my favorite person (which, sadly, she's not), no one deserves to feel like a yo-yo in someone else's hands.

I've said my piece. Either way, in a sense, this ties my hands. And I'm glad.

The Bluebird of Happiness is Flying with Me

(The beautiful picture above is from, I believe, the movie "Perhaps Love")

My favorite things of this very moment (3:55 pm CST):

• The ever so classy music of the Eurythmics
• The last of my coffee from Kayla and I's coffee stop this morning
• Knowing that sometime in the future I'll be getting a paycheck (even though it won't be a lasting job)
• The beautiful picture there at the top, it's just...lovely
• Warm "Who" socks (they really do look like they're from a Dr. Suess book)
• Oatmeal, chocolate chip, butterscotch chip cookies (homemade...mmmm)

Today has been a lovely day. Sometimes life just really fits together properly, and today was one of those rare and lovely days.

Kayla and I had coffee this morning and then went to the bank. We worked from about 9 this morning till around 2. It's nice to get to spend time with one of your very best friends, to catch up on so many details in life, and also get paid for it. Like I said, sometimes God brings all those beautiful little pieces into place. Even if tomorrow doesn't sparkle quite the same way, I know today was a glorious little piece of perfection.

Little bits of loveliness: classical guitar music; a new cd by Coffey Anderson (called "Worship Unplugged 1" which was great) from Kay & T; coffee with one of the most genuinely beautiful women I know; lots of catching up; working (with the knowledge I'll actually get a paycheck for this); lunch with Kayla, Dad, & Becky Hall (she's great, Brian and Kim have one of the coolest mom's ever); Sousa marches (*smiles*); finding out Gail would be willing to cover for me so that I don't have to teach next Sunday (with the hopes that this will make it easier for me to find a way to Refuge); homemade cookies...today has been wonderful.

The best part? It's not yet over. I still have 8 hours of this lovely day yet to live. I hope God blesses your day with a great deal of joy and wonderment, and I hope that carries over into your weekend and all through the coming week.

Love. *smiles*

A Few Good Words & a New Social Experiment

(The above painting is called "Winter Melody" and it's by Leonard Afremov)

I have been staring at my blog off and on all day. For awhile now I've been wondering what I'm doing writing this thing. It was one thing to have a Xanga (which I still do: crashesthewho), but to have a blog that I just kinda have off to myself...it seems strange at times.

I guess it all comes down to having my own little corner in the world. I'm not saying anything big or necessarily anything different, but I am saying something. My voice isn't very loud and I don't try to draw much attention to myself, but I'm still doing something. I'm questioning life and reality and dreams and hope and love.

This blog is just a way to say aloud all the questions and fears and dreams and wonder that I have tumbling around in my head. Sometimes this little quiet corner is just about the only place I say what's really in my heart.

Today though, as I was once again questioning what the purpose of all of this truly was, I saw that I had a comment. This doesn't happen very often, so it's always nice to see when it does, but this comment was different. It was from someone anonymous, and it was a lovely comment. I have to admit I've been feeling pretty withdrawn and alone today, and my anonymous friend probably doesn't realize this, but their words meant a great deal.

Every day I wonder if I ever touch lives even in the smallest of ways, and it was nice to hear that something I draw and the things I write actually are finding their way into the lives of other people. I needed that reminder.

After a great deal of time by myself today, I started thinking...I wonder what would happen if I spend each day focusing on making one person's life better? Even if I can't do anything major, what if I just try to make one person's life a little easier or better? Say I focus on making one of my brothers' lives better: I could make sure their chores are done or pick them up their favorite soda. Nothing huge, but just a little something that they might not expect. Or maybe call a friend or write them a letter to let them know they're important to me. Little things. (Have you noticed that I'm real into doing the little things? ha.) I think I'm going to try it for awhile and see what happens. Just another mini social experiment.

Try a Little Tenderness

Favorite Things of this Very Moment (12:55 pm CST):

• http://herumwandern.wordpress.com/category/rambling/ (Jordan's new blog)
• Having written a nice thank you to Kim at the coffee shop for being so kind
• The golden autumn sunshine
• Knowing that even though I'm going to walk to work, I won't have to walk home in the dark
• That I haven't had to blow my nose much at all this morning
• iTunes
• Soundtracks from Wes Anderson movies
• The sound of the heater coming on

Well, my angry young friend and I have restored our relationship. I'm not use to people like him, so it's going to be a challenge for me as we go along. On the upside, I think our relationship will grow and we will probably be good friends for many years.

Today I realized I'm rather envious of him in some ways. He's very bold in his faith. He doesn't show any doubt or cynicism. He doesn't hide what he is in any way. He believes what he believes and that's all there is to it.

How does he do that?

I'm not saying that I go around pretending that I'm not a Christian. I've just always been shy. I'm not good about saying anything contradictory. If you abuse the people I love, I will stand up for them. If you trash my beliefs or call me crazy, I won't run. I'll fight for my beliefs when they're threatened, but...

I'm just not very good about speaking up on a day to day basis when I'm not directly asked. This probably needs to change.

On the other hand, he's gotta learn some things too. In his case, he's gotta learn to use tenderness when he speaks to the woman he loves. He's only 19, and he's got time and room to grow. I have faith in his ability to be a real man of her dreams kinda guy, but he's still got a distance to cover before he finds he's there. He keeps upsetting the girl he loves because he's a great deal too blunt about things. He needs to remember she's a woman. She needs to be handled with care. Allowed the freedom to roam and have the feelings she has without him telling her differently. More love in his actions and in definitely in his words.

Like I said, he's got quite a distance to go, but I think that, given the proper encouragement, he'll figure it out.

In the meantime, I'm going to work on using a bit more tact and sweetness when I speak to him and to the other men in my life. We'll see where it gets me.

Thoughtful

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (9:59 am CST):

• Ugly Mug Vanilla Coffee (if you'd like to order any Ugly Mug products, let me know. Joel is selling them as a continuing project to raise money for camp.)
• My Spiderman mug that was left at the house by Jeff a million years ago and very much became my own (kinda like the thermos)
• Capt. Benjamin Franklin Pierce (he's...what I want. I love M*A*S*H. Sorry, Nik, I just can't help it...)
• Monogamy & fidelity
• Jay's idea for deer being made of jell-o from now on (I'm hoping for marshmallow myself)
• Cream Cheese Muffin Puffs
• Josh Deane's honesty and storytelling ability

May I make some suggestions? Well, hopefully I'm not being too forward, but I'm going to make suggestions anyway.

Mom and I were talking yesterday, and we discussed our mutual, time-tested belief that when you're miserable or stuck in a rut, what you need to do is help someone else. Few things will pull you out of yourself and your self-pity like helping and focusing on another person for good things.

I realize I am constantly promoting good-fairydom, but how else can a person survive in the cold of this world.

Everyone needs a little cheer. Donate some old clothes, collect some old clothes to donate, or even make some clothes to donate. Make cookies to share with someone (might just help you make friends with your neighbors or co-workers). Ask someone for their opinion on a good book or movie and then actually take their advice (it'll give you a chance to talk to them about something they enjoyed). Buy someone a coloring book and crayons when you know they're having a bad day. Few things in life can't be made a little brighter than a new box of crayons. Volunteer for some kind of service organization: a shelter, the Red Cross, Habitat for Humanity, etc. Help out with your church. Just spend time with your siblings. Write a handwritten letter. Mix cd's. Or maybe just give someone a genuine compliment. Do an extra chore.

It's about the little things. The tiny bits of cheer that you can bring to someone's day.

Just something to think about.