Thankful: God is SO Good

I realize Thanksgiving is one full week away from today, but I thought I'd get a head start on discussing some of the things I am most thankful for at the moment.  So here are a few of the things I am thankful for today in no particular order:

1. Basket Beginnings in Oregon, IL.  I am working here for a couple hours today.  It isn't much, but I love it.  The store itself is beautiful and you can get anything from yarn to basket supplies to handmade jewelry and bags to gently used clothing to candles shaped like wine corks (I bought one for Nikky & Yan for part of their wedding gift) to horse tack to Linda, the owner, is an incredible lady full of crafty talent that I hope to attain to much like the talent of my Grandma Cheatwood.  I may even learn how to weave sometime in the near future.  I am pretty excited about that prospect.
2. Oregon Healthcare Pharmacy Services, Inc.  Another wonderful place that I work, and today I found out they should be needing me full-time through the rest of the year which is wonderful since I have been home and without work all week because I finished the project they had hired me on for.  I'll have normal hours again starting next week.
3. Brisk Unsweetened Ice Tea.  I stopped at the Mobil in the village today and was planning on getting a crazy large soda simply because I could, but instead ended up getting myself a healthier and tastier alternative in this tasty tea.
4. Feelings of accomplishment.  I managed to schedule my gym orientation for at the Grove, set up a dentist appointment and a doctor's appointment as well all within about 20 minutes this morning.  Things I should have done a long time ago, but I have been worried about money and time amongst other things.  I am glad to have this done though.  I makes everything a little easier. 
5. Yarn.  Especially from Basket Beginnings.  I bought five more skeins today to work on a very special blanket for a very special little boy who will be coming into the world for his big debut in about 6 weeks.  This blanket will be soft and durable.  It will also be machine washable and dryable, so that will make this a little easier.  Plus it is in a nice set of lovely but not overbearing colors.  Hopefully he'll like the blanket and his parents will too. 
6. Conor.  I shall soon have a nephew named Conor.  My very best friend in the universe and her husband are going to be proud parents very, very soon, and I will be an insanely proud aunt who has a hard time not spoiling her nephew.  This special little man has already brought me more light and joy this week than I have had in a long time.  I cannot wait to meet him.  If this list was in order of things I am most thankful for at the moment, he would be at the very top of the list. 
7. Having a little money.  I am not rich.  I am, in fact, quite broke, but I have just enough money to take care of my immediate and most pressing needs at the moment.  I have no idea if/how I will pay for returning to school if I head down there in the spring, but for the time being, and partially because of item #2 on this list, I will have the money I need to take care of my car, my doctor's appointment, gym membership (which I really do need, I am so horribly out of shape), and Christmas presents.  It may not be much, but it is enough.  God is good.
8. Christmas shopping.  I realize many people have very negative things to say about Christmas shopping or they find it stressful  and overwhelming, but I adore Christmas shopping.  I love finding things or what I need to make gifts for the people I love.  I do not believe you have to spend a ton of money on the gifts you want to give people, but I do believe good gifts deserve some thought.  This year I am already looking forward to the look on my mom's face when she sees I finally found her a copy of a movie she has loved for years and years that we've never been able to find.  I am also looking forward to seeing my youngest brother reading a book I bought him.  ACTUALLY READING!  Considering how brilliant he is, you'd think he read all the time but that isn't the case.  I found out that there is a fourth book in a series he absolutely loves, and I know he will read it.  What's there not to love about a book filled with pirates, adventures, hilarity and ham?  It will be great. 
9. My ears.  They may not be my favorite physical feature, although I don't mind my ears, but what I love about them is their glorious ability to hear.  Music and laughter are two things I would be sad to live my life without hearing. 
10. Warm blankets.  I love making them, I love cuddling up with them, and I love that they make it hard to get out of bed in the morning.  I may stay in bed for as long as I can on Saturday.  I thought about it this morning, but the idea of coffee pulled me out of bed long before I expected.  This thought leads me to #11...
11. Coffee.  God bless the wonderful individual who realized that coffee was something a person could drink.  It makes every morning a little easier and warms me up on cold evenings alongside a tasty slice of homemade pie.  As Shane points out in Agnes & the Hitman, it reaches up into the brain and presses GO.  What's not to love about that?

I think I will leave this list at 11.  This makes me think of Spinal Tap which makes me think of Sam which makes me glad I have this list of things to be thankful for.  Ha.

Be blessed and recognize those blessings big and small.  God is so, so, soooo very good.

Love,
J

End of Week 1

There's a can of Vanilla Coke next to me, and all I can think is that life will be alright.

I just survived my first week of work. That's right, I have a new job. I work at a pharmacy-ish place. We fill orders for places like nursing homes and long-term care facilities. I actually don't handle any of that, what I do is type. Lots and lots of typing. Lists, spreadsheets, mailing labels, faxes, memos, cover letters. Pretty much, if it needs retyped...I do it.

They seem to really love me. I keep having people tell me I do a wonderful job and that they're glad I'm there. I hope that continues.

I enjoy the people I work with. They immediately adopted me. Everyone is really nice and they all like to talk to each other all the time. There's a pair of ladies that remind me a lot of Nikky and I because they're hilarious and you can tell they're best friends. They just crack me up. The really great thing about the pharmacy? Kayla works there too. I get to see her for at least a couple of minutes 3 days a week, and that's nice. It's always good to have a few minutes to see people you love.

What I'm not sure of though is whether or not I'll screw up my time card. I've dealt with time clocks before and that doesn't bother me, but I'm worried I'll forget to enter my time at some point. I mean, most of the time I cut my breaks short because that's the kind of person I am, but still...

Whatever the case, I'm sure this job will be fine. It will get me heading back to ABC. Oh yes. And that is something worth working for.

In the meantime, I'm going to drink my Vanilla Coke and listen to Top Christian Radio on AOL Radio because Mom left it up at Dynamic (which is where I will be spending the next couple hours because I came straight here from the pharmacy), and they've been playing some really amazing stuff. I forget that so much of it can truly be amazing and worth listening to because our local Christian station is ultra-cheesy and I can't stand it. Christian music should be incredible and full of truth and meaning and passion, not just some cheesy clapping tune, but that's another story.

Life is good. God is good. I have a job. Now, we just need to find one for Nikky and one for Heather.

You are love, you know.

Love,
J

Realizations

Favorite things of this very moment (3:26 pm CST):

• Knowing I've done everything I could to get myself a job
• Knowing that completely paid off because God gave me a new job! (More on this later)
• The feeling of accomplishment that comes with actually excersizing every bit of you
• "You Belong With Me" covered by Butch Walker
• A free MP3 download from Greg Holden (a live recording of "As Far As I Can")
• Beautiful, beautiful sunshine
• That the kitten is currently taking a nap and not biting me or knocking things over

I've realized a couple of things today.

1. I'm going to have to clean and rearrange my whole room. Today Amelia realized she could get to the top of the computer monitor and sit on it. This meant she also realized she could get to the top shelf of our computer desk and try to play with the compressed air until I grabbed her. She also realized she could get onto all the kitchen counters and in the process knocked over the bucket of spatulas and everything that we have on the counter. She also knocked over a dirty cup and all of it has to be washed, and I had to clean part of the kitchen floor as a result as well. This displeases me. Mostly is scares me because this means she's going to realize she can get on top of my dresser which was the only real safe haven I had in my room for anything important. I have no idea what I'm going to do, but by the end of tomorrow I hope to have my dresser cleared of all Amelia-breakable items.

2. That kittens lose there teeth. I knew this happened in theory, but this morning Amelia was trying to chew on my hand, and she lost one of her teeth. I realized this when I realized that she hadn't cut my hand, but I still had blood all over my hand. Mom found the tooth. It was completely bizarre.

3. That I'd forgotten how good you feel when you're done with a really crazy work out. I'd forgotten how everything in you feels like rubber, and I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed that feeling. That feeling was always what let me know I'd really gotten a work out in. Today I did a Tae Bo instructional video which made me realize just how out of shape and practice I am (I couldn't even keep my balance when it was at a slow speed). I want to relearn Tae Bo and Kickboxing. I miss them. I also found a "Dance Your Way to Fitness" video. Which leads me to my next realization:

4. I truly am a TERRIBLE dancer. Ha. Seriously. I couldn't keep up with anything in the "Dance Your Way to Fitness" video. At all. I have no balance, and I just couldn't figure out where on earth they were going next. Plus, I don't feel like there was a lot of instruction on what the heck you were supposed to be doing before you were actually doing it. Mostly though, I'm just not much of a dancer. Although, the ballet wasn't too bad.

5. And most importantly, once again, as always, God is AMAZING. Really amazing. I will start work at Oregon Healthcare Pharmacy Services, Inc. Amazing! I start Monday! I'm incredibly excited. I'll have a regular job, regular hours, and a regular paycheck. I have missed that. A lot.

Basically I remembered life was good. :) And God is good. I am grateful.

Quiet

(The picture above is one that Jeffrey Leifheit took. I'm fond of it. I think it perfectly illustrates my mind at this moment.)

Favorite things of this very moment (4:20 pm CST):

• Quiet
• The scars on my hands, arms, knees, and heart
• Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
• Time
• Knowing it's Friday and I'll be heading home in a half hour

"What worked yesterday doesn't always work today. Prayers can become stale and drone into the boring and familiar if you let your attention stagnate. In making an effort to stay alert, I am assuming custodial responsibility for the maintenance of my own soul."

- Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Today has been better. Last night I received a phone call from my dear friend, Kayla. Between her and Nikky sometimes I really feel that God spoils me. To have a pair of such kind hearts looking out for me is truly amazing. She called to see if I'd heard any news about my interview. I told her I hadn't heard anything, and she reminded me that maybe something had come up there in their office that prevented them from getting ahold of me. I had to agree that this was a possibility, and I told her I'd get in touch with her today after I'd talked to them. I had already decided before she called that I was going to need to talk to them today. I needed to know something. She said she'd be praying.

I then called Nikky. I'd neglected returning her call from the night before because I'd been in such a lousy mood, but I realized last night that not calling her was probably only perpetuating the darkness of my mood. God puts people in your life so that you can enjoy them and so that there is someone you can lean on and vent to when you're dealing with life. Nikky is all of those things, and talking to her last night made everything seem much easier to deal with. I sat outside with a glass of ice tea and laughed. Sometimes I forget that no matter how bleak or frustrating a situation, Nikky will always help me find laughter. I don't know why that is. I don't think this is something she spends her days thinking about, but something in her kindness and concern always helps me to release everything that I've been holding onto. She often, without realizing it helps me tie back into God. Mostly though, she helps me forget myself, and that's the greatest gift of all.

Clearly I am not the world's most patient girl. I never have been, and maybe in this seemingly endless search for a job and a place to belong and a hope for a family and love of my own in the future is just God's way of saying, "Hold up. You've still got things to learn. For instance: patience. You must learn some patience."

Today I called the company I had my interview with earlier in the week, and the woman who did my interview talked to me for a couple of minutes. She was kind and polite just as she was when she did my interview, and the way she talked gave me some peace with that situation. She said that the owner is still trying to figure out exactly what he would like to do. She said she had thought this decision was pretty cut and dry, and she'd thought he'd have this decision made by today for sure, but apparently that wasn't in the cards. She told me she'd hopefully be giving me a call at the beginning of this next week. I told her that was fine and thanked her for her help.

There's no way I can claim that I was terribly excited about this answer, but I will say this, I'm okay with it. She didn't tell me I was a terrible person for calling and bothering them with my questions, and she'd even apologized for the wait without me saying a thing. This really is a company I'd like to work for, and it's a job I think I could really love. I mean, getting to type for hours on end every day may not seem like an exciting or wonderful job to most people, but that's exactly the kind of thing I would love. Something with easy to see boundaries where someone will tell me what they'd like me to do and then set me free to do it. I want this job.

Somewhere along the late night lines of last night while scribbling a winding and pointless stream of thought to an old friend I realized I was pouting. All of yesterday. That's all I'd done. I'd sat there and felt sorry for myself.

Here I am a 23-year-old with no job who is frustrated and cynical about so much, but for what? God didn't put me here to pout. And He didn't create an inferior product as I was for some reason yesterday and for the past several weeks allowing myself to believe. God doesn't create people only to set them up for failure. No, He creates them with love and with skills and joys and passions to do something in the world that only they can. It's up to them to willingly listen to God's voice and to follow it and to use the tool's He gave them to begin with.

I am blessed with an amazing family who loves me and supports me whether or not I'm particularly lovable at that very moment. I have many wonderful friends including a couple extremely close friends who the world is not a big enough gift to give (I'd give it to them though if I could). I have food and clean water and a fridge that makes ice (still one of the greatest modern inventions). I can read and I can write these rambling notes to the universe (and you) because I went to school and because I had wonderfully encouraging parents.

What I'm trying to say is this: Life is never so bleak as it seems.

There is always good, and I'm going to make a more conscious effort to see it and search it out. There is good in all because God is in all.

And I'm going to try and slow myself down a little. I'll do what I can, but the rest is up to God. For this I am grateful.

And you, well my friend, you are loved.

Face Punch

We're going to skip the good things list for the moment and just get straight to the point: I am frustrated.

I have decided that if I ever own a business or am in charge of hiring people for a position, I will make sure I keep my promises. If I say I will call someone within the next 2 days, I will do so. If someone turns in an application, I will call them and let them know the position has been filled. I will call people if I've interviewed them to tell them whether or not they got the job. And I will do it as quickly as I can. After going through so many applications and interviews in the past 4 months, I am beginning to be an expert at rejection. There's a great deal of it surrounding me. I've been turned down for several jobs after interviews, and one of them just never called me at all. I guess they assumed the absence of a call was a good enough indication that I wasn't going to receive the job, but it's not really.

Just call and tell us you don't need us. It still feels lousy, but at least then we don't wait by the phone. It's almost as bad as being rejected by someone you have a crush on, and I have lots of experience in that area too.

Can I say it again? I am frustrated.

To all of you who are looking for jobs, I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find something you enjoy doing and are spared this kind of frustration.

There has to be a better way.

Let's close on a good note, my favorite's list.
Favorite things of this very moment (7:05 pm CST):

• A best friend who cares about what is going on in my life, even when I'm being a frustrated whiner
• The wonderful little blue iPod Carson gave me awhile back with the lovely matching headphones I found (surprisingly comfortable)
• Good music
• Wireless at the library
• Knowing I've already started 2 more applications (back up plans aren't such a bad thing)
• Sunsets melting into clouds
• The big fake ring that was part of the loot I got at Kayla's bachelorette party (the memories of that will give me a smile forever)

Good night.

"For I Know the Plans I Have for You..."

(The picture above was taken by Nicole Rowell, and I think it's beautiful)

Favorite things of this very moment (10:34 pm CST):

• Knowing the outcome
• Crazy Love by Francis Chan
• Ice water
• Long, prompt emails from Jay
• Having breakfast with Kayla and T to look forward to

Today has been a little surreal. Actually, this week has been a little surreal. The whole of it. The week started out with me running through a list in my head of all the places I could still try and apply to find a job. Not my favorite task, but a necessary one. A new job must be found. This is one quest that can not be thrown aside.

Monday was a holiday, and that day was spent with my family, and then also in going to Augustana College in Rock Island, IL to see my youngest brother, Joel perform in a concert as part of the Gold Honor Ensemble. The concert was fantastic. The Augustana Ensemble played, the Gold Honor and the Blue Honor Ensembles also played. Everything was wonderful. Augustana is a beautiful college. If only they offered library science there...

Tuesday started off fairly quiet. I'd made my to-do list for the week, and was getting some of the chores out of the way like laundry and cleaning of catboxes (oh the joys of catboxes...gick), and then my father called. He told me that he had a job for me. I needed to come over to the bank, they'd had a problem with some calendars they ordered, and they needed someone to go through them. I ended up there by 1 that afternoon.

Wednesday, I spent all day working at the bank, but also set up an interview on Thursday at a home for the mentally disabled. Listened to a great deal of The Return of the King. Tolkien is brilliant.

Thursday...ah yes, today...

Today has been weird. I battled a great deal of ice and spent some time salting our driveway and walkways here at the house, and then I got ready and went off to my interview. The interview seemed to go pretty well. I had to take a 25 questioned, short standardized reading test while sitting in the dining room. One of the residence was in there eating lunch. Very sweet, but very loud. Imagine trying to write an important paper with the TV all the way up and your siblings talking to you. That was basically what the test was like. Aparently I did alright on it though. I then filled out the form giving my consent to having them run a background check on me (I have nothing to hide). Then I went and talked with the woman in charge of the home as well as the clerk for both the homes in Oregon. That seemed to go pretty well. They seemed to like me fairly well, and they answered all the questions I'd been saving.

They told me that they would contact me this evening if they needed me to come back in for a 2nd interview tomorrow. It's almost 11pm now, and I haven't received a phone call. They aparently don't need me. Hopefully though, Kayla will get a call. She also applied there and her interview was yesterday. Tomorrow I get to meet Kayla and Terrence for a breakfast-esque type coffee outting before Kayla and I head over to Stillman to work with the calendars (she started helping out there today), so I will hear whether or not she got a call at that point.

What this all comes down to though is that this week has been rather bizarre. I am exceedingly grateful that someone in China screwed up the printing of hundreds of calendars going to a small, locally owned set of banks in a rural IL area. Those mistakes have provided me with a short term job that will help me make yet another car payment without having to touch my savings account, and that is a truly blessed event. Beyond that, I've also realized how terrifying I find the concept of working with mentally disabled adults. I need to learn more about what working with them is really like. I'm sure the work is very rewarding, but I've never been around adults with mental disabilities, so I'm just not sure what it's like.

This also means that I am back to handing out more applications and collecting still more. There will continue to be odd jobs until I can find something permanent. Of this I am fairly certain. There's always someone needing something. See a need, fill a need, right? *smiles*

Besides, this is just one small part of my life, and an even smaller part in history. One never knows where it leads.

Have a wonderful night.

Goodbye, Kable.

Dear Kable,

I would say, but I know this letter simply confirms our goodbye. I know you don't want me anymore and that this is the end of relationship, but I still feel I have a few things to say.

First, I'd like to thank you for the years we had together. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be able to type at speeds that make my friends and family twitch at times. I wouldn't be able to type numbers at all, and I wouldn't know that towns like King of Prussia or names like Szilassy exist. I also wouldn't know that there are roughly a million different spellings for the name "Ashley." And, of course, I wouldn't realize the large variety of magazines that exist in the universe. My favorite it still Window Fashions. Few things have made me happier than that magazine and all it implies.

You were also the one that helped force Zuni and I together. You inspired so many terrible mix cds, story ideas, long discussions, and overtime. You caused me to fall in love with post-it notes and to have a constant need to have hand-sanitizer nearby. Because of you, I made friends with some improbable people, listened to quite a few great audiobooks (and a pathetic one or two), fall in love with a great number of bands and begin to deeply study lyrics.

Of course, there were bad things too: the unkept promise of overtime, the crushed dream of having something steady and stable for as long as I needed, the extensive number of pornographic magazines that come through your doors, the multiple desk moves, and the never ending dust. Then of course you also forced me to share my desk with a few different temps who all thought they had a right to reorganize my desk, and then there was, of course, the stapler thief who was smart enough to return my stapler after I wrote them a carefully worded note... Sometimes the office really was like something out of "Office Space."

Kable, what I'm trying to say is, I would have gladly stayed with you forever. I enjoyed being there with you more than I can say. I always found my time with you to be satisfying, and I've been struggling with letting go. Now I've come to realize that it's too late to come to terms with this. The end had been coming for so long, and I'd been watching it creep towards me. I guess being kicked out last night just threw me off and caused me to realize that this really was happening to me.

And now I'm on my own and looking all over again. I think you really messed up this time, Kable, but that's not my call I guess. I hope, as pathetic as this may sound, that you really regret losing me as time goes on. I hope you realize that I was incredibly helpful and important to you, and mostly, I hope you struggle to move on without me. That would only make this fair.

Don't worry about me. I'm going to make it just fine. I have plans, and I'm already working to fulfill them. Maybe I'll look back on this and smile in a few years because this may be just what I needed to push me to grow into the woman I need to be. Maybe then I'll be able to thank you, but I guess only time will tell.

So this is it. Goodbye, Kable. I'll miss you.

Love,
Jaymin

Tick

Favorite things of this very moment (10:02 am CST):

• The eggnog in my coffee
• Emails from a very tall, very silly friend
• Knowing I have some great plans for today
• The anticpation of Christmas
• More importantly, the anticpation of the box from Nikky (woohoo!)
• My Christmas mix for this year (which is playing "Bless Us All" from "A Muppet Christmas Carol" right now)

For anyone unaware of this particular phenomenon: I have a tick. Up until about 3 years ago, I'd never had one. Never had a twitch of any kind unless it was the kind you had to fake while acting or when I was being sarcastic with Jeff's bad behavior. When I started working in customer service at Kable, I developed a tick. The corner of my left eye will just spasmatically start twitching. It was horrible while I was in customer service. The longer I was there the worse it was.

Well, now that I'm on the brink of being unemployed (December 18th is coming more quickly than I ever imagined it would), the tick has returned. It's stress.

In a way the tick is kind of a good thing. It points out to me that something is wrong, that I need to make some changes in my life. When I was in customer service, it alerted me that my job was not worth the frustration. Even if the pay was fantastic for me. It really wasn't very much money, but it was my first full-time job and I thought it was amazing. I actually could pay for everything I needed, and kept myself fully out of debt. It was fantastic. That I miss. That is what I am looking for.

The tick tells me that my life is in for change. That this is inevitable. That despite my reservations, I am making a leap without being able to see the other side of the gap.

I am terrified. This is also what the tick means. I am scared out of my mind, and I hate this. Not knowing, not being able to control the outcome fully. Not feeling fully stable....these things make me crazy, and the tick comes out full force in those situations.

I'll be grateful when I can locate a new job. A new form of stability until I have to make my next leap...because they're always on the horizon.

Wish me luck, and please be praying for me. Thanks.

Where We Gonna Go From Here...

Favorite things of this very moment (11:49 am CST):

• Free Internet access found on any computer in the Sauk Valley Community College library
• Squeaky keys on the keyboard
• The dried up, shriveled apple core sitting next to the computer that I have been staring at off and on since I sat down (what exactly do you do? Do you find something to pick it up with and throw it away? Do you leave it for someone else to find and contemplate? Do you complain to one of the librarians?)
• The Geography of Bliss
• Knowing that I did complete my part of Check point #2 for the IQ project
• Aaron calling me his hero and telling me he really "feels the love, right here" (while pointing at his chest...haha)
• The silence of the library
• Watching the rain out the window and contemplating how quickly I will have to run as I don't have an umbrella...

Life has been thrown off-balance again. It doesn't thrill me completely, but it does pose a challenge. I've decided to rise to the occasion.

My beloved camry died 2 weeks ago today. This caused me to alter my life plans (does this surprise you?). It did enough to truly throw my entire financial plan off-kilter and caused me to make the decision that I would try to go full time at Kable as soon as this school year was over, if not sooner. That way I would be able to get myself out of debt both to my father and to whatever financial institution I would be borrowing money from for the car.

Blow number 2 came about when I got to work that Friday after the car died. I had found out the day before that the car was officially a bust, that there was no reason to try to fix it, and then I go into work (which I love, I truly love this job) and find out they're moving the business. Kable News will start being known at Palm Coast Data and the entire fulfillment side of the business (accounting, customer service, and data entry) will all be moved down to the Palm Coast location in FL because the business has been offered huge tax incentives and will find a readily available workforce (aka. illegal immigrants from the way it's looking, retirees aren't going to want to do these jobs). Yep...there goes the rest of Mt. Morris's economic standing. Somewhere around 425 people will have to find new jobs and/or relocate by the end of 2010 when they are projecting we lose our jobs.

Needless to say, that was much more than I imagined. Life had finally given off the appearance of having some believable course, I would be able to have a stable job if I wanted it. Something I was truly good at and enjoyed. Apparently that was not in the cards.

Now I'm trying to figure out the next step. Obviously God has bigger plans for my life than having me just sit and work at Kable until my hands stop working and my eyes go out.

The search begins again. I have a feeling it will probably result in a move within the next year or so. The concept terrifies me, but something's gotta change. I need to be able to take care of myself and feel like a viable adult.

I've decided to start looking into library science programs. I don't know what all else I will look at, but I want to find a job that I will actually enjoy. If I do library science, I could probably find a library with a great children's section and maybe do work with children's reading programs. Maybe I'll start writing children's books. Wouldn't that be hilarious? Enjoyable though. :)

Alright, I'm out.

Give Up, Start Fresh

Favorite things of this very moment (8:31 pm):

• "Futuresex/Lovesounds" album - Justin Timberlake
• Headphones
• Good news about my car (including the concept of new cars)
• The unstoppable, immovable, irresistible Fiji water bottle (yeah, over-described and lovely)
• That I can continue to grow and change
• That I am not John Marcher of Henry James' story "The Beast in the Jungle"
• Silly commercials and, for that matter, the really sweet ones
• Laughter

I've decided to give up. This is not my normal policy at all. In fact, I'm not a fan of giving up at all, but I'm beginning to understand when I need to fold. "You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em." Yeah...that's what I'm working on now.

Let me explain a bit further because this covers 2 different areas (mainly):

One: Jay. The tall, blond, handsome guy that I've adored for almost 2 years. Give up, Jaymin. No future in it. Does this sound sad? Maybe it is. Maybe I've wasted time waiting, but no more. He's found someone he feels he has a foreseeable future with and he sees me as the little sister he has never had. I've done a lot of thinking over the past couple of weeks and realized, it will be fine. He is not the man for me. He is someone that I would never in a million years have turned down if he'd asked (I probably still wouldn't), but I also don't think we will ever be able to be anything more than what we are. This is okay. He's a wonderful guy and I plan to continue enjoying our friendship, but that's all it will ever be.

Two: My job. I'm not quitting, but I also have come to the realization that my dad and Terrence are right: I need something better. Something more. I need to just realize that my fear of change isn't worth this. That I need to be able to support myself. I can't deal with the debt and the guilt that goes with all this. I just can't stand it. It has to change. I want to feel competent and without a real job or a 2nd job or whatever, it will never happen.

I don't want to be John Marcher. I read "The Beast in the Jungle" by Henry James for my American Lit class, and it really frustrated me. Marcher is the most self-absorbed idiot of all time. He just makes me crazy because he takes advantage of May through the whole of their lives. He's incapable of understanding love or having any feelings. He's an idiot. He doesn't live because he spends his entire life believing that something great is yet to come instead of living now! I know I am guilty of doing this. Not anywhere close to his extent, but I avoid life at times simply out of fear or because I'm too focused on my past mistakes or my future.

Again I go back to the whole idea of HOW? How to change? How to live? I don't know, but I guess I just take it one day at a time. Fill out the applications. Speak up and somehow, life will continue and maybe just get a bit better.

I figure, if God kept me safe and intact after last week, there must be reason. I just have to be the best me I can be every day. God will take care of the rest.

Well, I guess that's enough to think about for a little while. Keep moving forward.

It'll All Work Out

Favorite things of this very moment (3:23 pm):

• My Mom
• Knowing I get paid tomorrow
• That I'm done with my 2nd American Lit test and I think I did well
• That tomorrow is my sleep in day
• That I own The Holiday (which I'll probably watch before I go to sleep tonight)
• That I get to watch Joel's concert and eat pancakes for supper tonight

Don't let this fool you, I'm in a horrible mood. Well, that's not entirely true, but I'm not totally stressed out. Life is full of up and downs, and as far as this roller coaster goes, I feel like I'm going down a hill at full tilt. Sadly, unlike how I feel when I'm actually on a roller coaster, this is not exciting. This is just flat out terrifying.

My day wasn't bad. I've been able to focus on my classes, I slept well last night, I woke up easily this morning. I was at school on time, finished my American Lit. test early, and I think I did well. Math wasn't even all bad today.

But then I got to work. I found out that my hours were cut so that I work either Monday or Friday, but not both. Which means I go from 22 hours (which was low, but workable) to 16 hours which means that I choose between putting gas in my car and things like car insurance/phone payments and other necessities. I've been dealing with life on my little bitty salary, and now...it's going to be REALLY hard.

Oh, and did I fail to mention the fact that, today, right after I was told this, I was also told that we may not even stay open. They may close the store. WHY THE HELL DIDN'T ANYONE SAY ANYTHING TO ME AT ALL? I'm furious. I'm hurt. I'm brokenhearted right now. And I'm crying again dammit.

I'm sorry. I just...I feel like God's taken away what little security I had left. How rude is it to say that to God? I don't know. I'm glad He loves me because otherwise, He would definitely be gone right now.

I know I'm supposed to trust God, and right now, He's all I've got. I still have a place to live and a car (though I'm beginning to worry if it's going to die on me too) and I'm healthy (in theory at least). I'm so cynical and bitter at times...and I don't want to be. I definitely don't mean to be, it's not my intention, but...

I'm wondering if God is trying to get me to move. Do I need to move? And if I need to move, where will I go? I want to follow His lead, but I don't even see what direction He's pointing. When I said this to my mom (just this last part, mind you) she said that Abram didn't know where God was leading him when he started. She's right, as usual. I just wish she wasn't.

I saw two hawks on the way to work from Sauk. Two. I should've known there was a reason. I just, stupidly, figured it had to do more with me being heartbroken because my tall, handsome musician turned out not be mine at all...apparently it was more than that. Maybe one was for that heartbreak, and the second was for all of this. *sigh*

Now I just need to do a lot of praying, and get some others to pray too.

It'll all work out.