Certainly.

(This beautiful picture was colored by Sam for Amber & I's fridge. It's lovely. I love it.)

"I'm certain of this and I'm not certain of anything." - Conor Oberst, "Motion Sickness"

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (2:00 pm EST):

• Being fairly certain that when I'm done writing this that I will be able to take a nap
• All the pictures from this weekend
• Sam
• Coffee
• "Motion Sickness" by Bright Eyes
• Knowing the kitchen is clean again
• Me & music. Nothing more.
• Sunshine, blue skies, and lovely weather
• Black tank tops & old plaid shirts
• HOPE

There are so many moments from this weekend I'd like to hold onto forever, but it's hard to explain.

This weekend was EPIC. And I really do mean that. Sam, Josh and Kaitlyn came down from SC to see Harry Potter with the ABC crew on Friday afternoon. That turned into a ridiculous event. Only 3 of us got to the theater on time. The rest of us got stuck in traffic and it was a crazy event. We did get to see the movie though. It was good, but it was nothing compared to the rest of this bizarre and wonderful weekend.

It was one of those weekends where you wish all time could just stop and this could be your whole life. Surrounded by people you truly adore and love and can't stop laughing with. It was like living in the silliest, most entertaining commune ever. We cooked together, we laughed together, we went shopping together, we watched movies, colored...it was a great weekend.

The irony is just when I thought my hope was truly going to be tossed out a window because things will not work out like I wish they could, I was reminded in a round about way that if things are truly meant to happen, they will. I just need to be patient and find joy in everything. I am thankful for what I have been blessed with through these people.

I've always decided to really work on encouraging the talented people in my life. In being with some of the people I love most in the world, I realized that I'm not the only one still searching. I have no idea what I'm heading towards, but I know I'm heading forward and doing something. This weekend, I realized I wasn't the only one, and I found that encouraging.

There is so much hope here. So much hope for the future. There's a lot that I'm not certain of, but I think I found some certainty in this.

God is good, and I'll make it because even while I wait, I'm going to keep working and striving and becoming the best me I can for God and for me and for the future.

It was a GREAT weekend.

Hawk

(Ironically, picture by J.A. Goodrich. From the beautiful St. Louis Cathedral in the French Quarter)

Favorite Things of this Very moment (9:32 pm EST):

• Random capitalization
• Knowing Amber is still on my side
• That Mitch is done with his crazy faux-counseling session with me for today
• The Black Keys singing "Give Your Heart Away"
• Remembering the insanity of this week's episode of "Glee"
• Amber's iPod
• Tea
• Having my sermon done, even if I'm not sure how it's going to go tomorrow...
• Jake dancing badly while Amber hums along to whatever is playing on my iTunes

Considering how high-flying I've been for about a week, I'm feeling a bit low at the moment. I think it will get back to normal fairly quickly, but it's like I'm a plane that's circling low waiting to refuel, or better yet, I'm a hawk. A hawk that's flying low because I am trying desperately to find something to eat. I need something to fill me up so that I can get back to flying.

How do I do this? I really think the best thing is praying, but I'm still feeling low. I don't think this is unusual or unhealthy. It's part of life, right?

And so is reevaluating your goals. Is this really worth it? And when you think about it, you know that it is. You have no idea what is driving you on at this point, but you know you think you're crazy. Let's face it, I am crazy. I want something that is nearly impossible to have, and I'm just going to have to wait it out.

Can I do this? Do I have the strength and patience to wait?

I think I do.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to give up. Maybe that sounds crazy, but I really am going to try to let go of a bit more of my life. Try to pull my fingers off all the things that I grasp so that God really can work in all aspects of my life and not just some of it.

Lord give me strength.

Fight With Honor You Will Win

(Sam and Jake playing some sweet, sweet music together this past weekend)

Favorite things of this very moment (3:34 pm EST):

• Knowing that at some point this afternoon/this evening I will work out
• Having some kind of crazy plan
• Nola being beyond kind and generous with her time, consideration, and love
• Texting capabilities based in Amber's beautiful iPod which spends most of its time with me these days
• Sunshine and perfect weather
• Having a functional camera with which to take pictures of Mitch when he comes in and randomly collapses on our living room floor and then takes the next 10 minutes or so to eat green beans and a brownie while laying on the floor...
• Having Amber on my side
• Prayer, so, so, so much prayer
• And Hebrews 6:19 which starts with these words, "This hope we have as an anchor of the soul..."

I've spent a lot of time this week thinking about honor. Anyone that's been near me for the past month or two has probably heard me yell, "Fight with honor! You will win!" at least once. It's become something that is a running quote in my head. I find this both hilarious and encouraging. It's hilarious because it comes from Jackie Chan yelling those words at Owen Wilson in "Shanghai Noon," it it's encouraging because I'm realizing those are the words I need to be remembering.

Recently I've started finding myself in a series of strange situations. Situations that require me to decide how I want to proceed. I can go the easy way or I can choose to fight. Maybe you're an advocate of peace regardless of the situation, and if you are, I'm sorry that I cannot say I agree. I'm not fighting anyone physically, but I am fighting.

In my family honor, truth and love were the things we were taught to seek above all other virtues. Maybe you don't agree with that either, but I am glad my parents taught us to do these things. And no, I can't say that I always do the honorable thing, but I do try.

Especially right now. Since coming to ABC this semester I have encountered a series of situations in which I've had to decide whether I was going to allow myself to be pushed around, lied to, talked down to, and more recently, forgotten. You'd think that some of these things I should be able to just avoid, but I've realized that it would do little, if any, good to do that. I've come to a place of testing.

Right now I'm watching my boundaries be tested. I'm working on maintaining proper boundaries between myself and other people so that I neither shut them out, but I also don't let just anyone into my life.

Right now I'm watching my heart be tested. I'm trying maintain purity of heart and strength. I'm working hard to hold God first in my heart and let all other things fall into place after Him.

And I'm trying so hard to trust. To trust that God will protect my heart as long as I let Him hold onto it. That He'll provide for me. I think that's the hardest part. The trusting. It's not my strong point, and I know I need to be better about this. Plus, God hasn't failed me ever. And lately, I've been seeing Him work in my life more and more. It's not that He hasn't been before, it's just that I know I haven't been listening or watching for it.

And now I'm fighting so hard to stay on the radar. To not be forgotten. Ever. In fact, I'd like to be a priority eventually.

Hope though...that's what I'm really working with. I'm stepping up and fighting with honor. I'm holding onto the hope that recently showed up in my life for dreams I've been fighting and/or ignoring for awhile now.

Hope is the anchor of my soul.

Fight with honor, my friends. You will win. With hope, I will too.

Quiet

(The picture above is one that Jeffrey Leifheit took. I'm fond of it. I think it perfectly illustrates my mind at this moment.)

Favorite things of this very moment (4:20 pm CST):

• Quiet
• The scars on my hands, arms, knees, and heart
• Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
• Time
• Knowing it's Friday and I'll be heading home in a half hour

"What worked yesterday doesn't always work today. Prayers can become stale and drone into the boring and familiar if you let your attention stagnate. In making an effort to stay alert, I am assuming custodial responsibility for the maintenance of my own soul."

- Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Today has been better. Last night I received a phone call from my dear friend, Kayla. Between her and Nikky sometimes I really feel that God spoils me. To have a pair of such kind hearts looking out for me is truly amazing. She called to see if I'd heard any news about my interview. I told her I hadn't heard anything, and she reminded me that maybe something had come up there in their office that prevented them from getting ahold of me. I had to agree that this was a possibility, and I told her I'd get in touch with her today after I'd talked to them. I had already decided before she called that I was going to need to talk to them today. I needed to know something. She said she'd be praying.

I then called Nikky. I'd neglected returning her call from the night before because I'd been in such a lousy mood, but I realized last night that not calling her was probably only perpetuating the darkness of my mood. God puts people in your life so that you can enjoy them and so that there is someone you can lean on and vent to when you're dealing with life. Nikky is all of those things, and talking to her last night made everything seem much easier to deal with. I sat outside with a glass of ice tea and laughed. Sometimes I forget that no matter how bleak or frustrating a situation, Nikky will always help me find laughter. I don't know why that is. I don't think this is something she spends her days thinking about, but something in her kindness and concern always helps me to release everything that I've been holding onto. She often, without realizing it helps me tie back into God. Mostly though, she helps me forget myself, and that's the greatest gift of all.

Clearly I am not the world's most patient girl. I never have been, and maybe in this seemingly endless search for a job and a place to belong and a hope for a family and love of my own in the future is just God's way of saying, "Hold up. You've still got things to learn. For instance: patience. You must learn some patience."

Today I called the company I had my interview with earlier in the week, and the woman who did my interview talked to me for a couple of minutes. She was kind and polite just as she was when she did my interview, and the way she talked gave me some peace with that situation. She said that the owner is still trying to figure out exactly what he would like to do. She said she had thought this decision was pretty cut and dry, and she'd thought he'd have this decision made by today for sure, but apparently that wasn't in the cards. She told me she'd hopefully be giving me a call at the beginning of this next week. I told her that was fine and thanked her for her help.

There's no way I can claim that I was terribly excited about this answer, but I will say this, I'm okay with it. She didn't tell me I was a terrible person for calling and bothering them with my questions, and she'd even apologized for the wait without me saying a thing. This really is a company I'd like to work for, and it's a job I think I could really love. I mean, getting to type for hours on end every day may not seem like an exciting or wonderful job to most people, but that's exactly the kind of thing I would love. Something with easy to see boundaries where someone will tell me what they'd like me to do and then set me free to do it. I want this job.

Somewhere along the late night lines of last night while scribbling a winding and pointless stream of thought to an old friend I realized I was pouting. All of yesterday. That's all I'd done. I'd sat there and felt sorry for myself.

Here I am a 23-year-old with no job who is frustrated and cynical about so much, but for what? God didn't put me here to pout. And He didn't create an inferior product as I was for some reason yesterday and for the past several weeks allowing myself to believe. God doesn't create people only to set them up for failure. No, He creates them with love and with skills and joys and passions to do something in the world that only they can. It's up to them to willingly listen to God's voice and to follow it and to use the tool's He gave them to begin with.

I am blessed with an amazing family who loves me and supports me whether or not I'm particularly lovable at that very moment. I have many wonderful friends including a couple extremely close friends who the world is not a big enough gift to give (I'd give it to them though if I could). I have food and clean water and a fridge that makes ice (still one of the greatest modern inventions). I can read and I can write these rambling notes to the universe (and you) because I went to school and because I had wonderfully encouraging parents.

What I'm trying to say is this: Life is never so bleak as it seems.

There is always good, and I'm going to make a more conscious effort to see it and search it out. There is good in all because God is in all.

And I'm going to try and slow myself down a little. I'll do what I can, but the rest is up to God. For this I am grateful.

And you, well my friend, you are loved.