Be the Good

Tonight finds me dancing along to The Bravery's "Ours," and fighting the urge to open and drink a whole bottle of Moscato by myself.

Does anyone else constantly what to scream when they watch the news because it never seems like there are good things?  Sex scandals, abuse, murder, shootings, robberies, kidnappings, disappearances, war, death, rape, and natural disaster.

More than anything, we need Christmas.  We need the hope and light and joy of the Advent.  A reminder that 2000 years ago God sent us hope in the form of a little baby boy that would change everything.  He came to bring us light, forgiveness, love, peace, and joy.

Jesus.

What a truly beautiful name.  A name that means that someday this will all be over.  There won't be anymore of this terror or horror or pain.  You won't wake up to find that your best friend is dead, people you love are having kidneys fail, someone's house has burnt down, your car is broken again, your family is broke, you've lost your job, you're sick with a disease that may kill you, or that children have been abused and no one stood up for them.  No, none of that will happen ever again.

Instead you'll be standing hand in hand with the people you love smiling out into eternity.

May it come soon.

I realize this may seem early, but I'm wishing you a Merry Christmas tonight.  If your day, week, etc. has been anything like mine, I think you deserve a little Christmas early.

So let's make it feel like Christmas tonight and from this moment onward.  Let's find a way to do something good for someone else tonight, tomorrow and each day.  Let's make sure that everyone has a bit more good.  We all need more hope and good news.

Be the good.

Quiet

(The picture above is one that Jeffrey Leifheit took. I'm fond of it. I think it perfectly illustrates my mind at this moment.)

Favorite things of this very moment (4:20 pm CST):

• Quiet
• The scars on my hands, arms, knees, and heart
• Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
• Time
• Knowing it's Friday and I'll be heading home in a half hour

"What worked yesterday doesn't always work today. Prayers can become stale and drone into the boring and familiar if you let your attention stagnate. In making an effort to stay alert, I am assuming custodial responsibility for the maintenance of my own soul."

- Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Today has been better. Last night I received a phone call from my dear friend, Kayla. Between her and Nikky sometimes I really feel that God spoils me. To have a pair of such kind hearts looking out for me is truly amazing. She called to see if I'd heard any news about my interview. I told her I hadn't heard anything, and she reminded me that maybe something had come up there in their office that prevented them from getting ahold of me. I had to agree that this was a possibility, and I told her I'd get in touch with her today after I'd talked to them. I had already decided before she called that I was going to need to talk to them today. I needed to know something. She said she'd be praying.

I then called Nikky. I'd neglected returning her call from the night before because I'd been in such a lousy mood, but I realized last night that not calling her was probably only perpetuating the darkness of my mood. God puts people in your life so that you can enjoy them and so that there is someone you can lean on and vent to when you're dealing with life. Nikky is all of those things, and talking to her last night made everything seem much easier to deal with. I sat outside with a glass of ice tea and laughed. Sometimes I forget that no matter how bleak or frustrating a situation, Nikky will always help me find laughter. I don't know why that is. I don't think this is something she spends her days thinking about, but something in her kindness and concern always helps me to release everything that I've been holding onto. She often, without realizing it helps me tie back into God. Mostly though, she helps me forget myself, and that's the greatest gift of all.

Clearly I am not the world's most patient girl. I never have been, and maybe in this seemingly endless search for a job and a place to belong and a hope for a family and love of my own in the future is just God's way of saying, "Hold up. You've still got things to learn. For instance: patience. You must learn some patience."

Today I called the company I had my interview with earlier in the week, and the woman who did my interview talked to me for a couple of minutes. She was kind and polite just as she was when she did my interview, and the way she talked gave me some peace with that situation. She said that the owner is still trying to figure out exactly what he would like to do. She said she had thought this decision was pretty cut and dry, and she'd thought he'd have this decision made by today for sure, but apparently that wasn't in the cards. She told me she'd hopefully be giving me a call at the beginning of this next week. I told her that was fine and thanked her for her help.

There's no way I can claim that I was terribly excited about this answer, but I will say this, I'm okay with it. She didn't tell me I was a terrible person for calling and bothering them with my questions, and she'd even apologized for the wait without me saying a thing. This really is a company I'd like to work for, and it's a job I think I could really love. I mean, getting to type for hours on end every day may not seem like an exciting or wonderful job to most people, but that's exactly the kind of thing I would love. Something with easy to see boundaries where someone will tell me what they'd like me to do and then set me free to do it. I want this job.

Somewhere along the late night lines of last night while scribbling a winding and pointless stream of thought to an old friend I realized I was pouting. All of yesterday. That's all I'd done. I'd sat there and felt sorry for myself.

Here I am a 23-year-old with no job who is frustrated and cynical about so much, but for what? God didn't put me here to pout. And He didn't create an inferior product as I was for some reason yesterday and for the past several weeks allowing myself to believe. God doesn't create people only to set them up for failure. No, He creates them with love and with skills and joys and passions to do something in the world that only they can. It's up to them to willingly listen to God's voice and to follow it and to use the tool's He gave them to begin with.

I am blessed with an amazing family who loves me and supports me whether or not I'm particularly lovable at that very moment. I have many wonderful friends including a couple extremely close friends who the world is not a big enough gift to give (I'd give it to them though if I could). I have food and clean water and a fridge that makes ice (still one of the greatest modern inventions). I can read and I can write these rambling notes to the universe (and you) because I went to school and because I had wonderfully encouraging parents.

What I'm trying to say is this: Life is never so bleak as it seems.

There is always good, and I'm going to make a more conscious effort to see it and search it out. There is good in all because God is in all.

And I'm going to try and slow myself down a little. I'll do what I can, but the rest is up to God. For this I am grateful.

And you, well my friend, you are loved.

The Covenant

Back in July of last year, I went to FUEL. For anyone who doesn't know, this is the national youth gathering every year for the Church of God of the Abrahamic Faith. This past year, I took a class called "Overcoming the Darkness" which was taught by an amazing couple from Kokomo, IN named Dale & Julie Bliss. Dale is the pastor at the church their in Kokomo, and Julie is deeply involved with the ministry.

These two never beat around the bush.

This particular class was about addictions and overcoming addictive behaviors. It was all about owning up to what is going on in your life, facing those demons, and learning how to overcome them. At the beginning of the week, Dale gave us a sheet of paper outlining a covenant. He told us to seriously consider what the paper said, and then, if we felt we were truly committed to this change in our lives, that we should sign it. He also said we should only do this after a serious amount of consideration and prayer.

Do you know what a covenant truly is? It isn't a contract. Contracts are made so that there is an out clause. A way to escape the promise you've made, contracts are not necessarily permanent. Covenants are different. In biblical times, if you entered into a covenant, you entered into it with your life as forfeit. Covenants were made in blood. They were permanent. Death was the only out to a covenant. That's why marriages are supposed to be covenant relationships. (That's why part of the marriage ceremony includes the words "till death do us part.")

The following is the Covenant that Dale gave us to consider:

The Overcomer's Covenant in Christ

I place all my trust and confidence in the Lord and I put no confidence in the flesh.

I know that I cannot save myself, nor set myself free. God has provided a way of escape.

I consciously and deliberately choose to submit to God and resist the devil.

I choose to humble myself before the mighty hand of God that He may exalt me at the proper time.

I declare the truth that I am dead to sin, freed from it and alive to God in Christ Jesus.

I gladly embrace the truth that I am now a child of God--unconditionally loved and accepted.

I reject the lies of the enemy and seek the truth that has the power to set me free.

I declare that sin shall no longer be master over me; and there is no more guilt or condemnation.

I renounce every unrighteous cry of my body.

I declare that I am no longer conformed to this world; I am transformed by the renewing of my mind.

I commit myself to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

I commit myself to God's great goal for my life to conform to His image in Christ Jesus.

I know that I will face many trials, but God has given me the victory.

I am not a victim--I am an overcomer in Christ.

I, Jaymin Louise (not Louise) Cheatwood, signed this covenant on July 31, 2008. Tonight I am recommitting to it's words and meaning. Fully. I am not perfect, and I will screw up, but I am going to do my best to live up to the words of this covenant. Not contract, covenant. This is binding. This is permanent. This is in blood. Please help me with this. Please pray that I will make the best decisions, not just the ones I feel are easy. I want to live up to this.

Beyond this, today has been wonderful. The weather was gorgeous, and it found me walking to the grocery store first thing this morning to get myself some caffeine. I got my homework done, did Pilate's, got some laundry and chores taken care of, and I worked on some reading and letters I've been meaning to do. I even got to talk to Nikky and draw with the sidewalk chalk she gave me when she was here visiting. All I can do is ask for more days like today. Days where I get up with the right attitude, and do my best to behave and stand by my promises.

I can do this, but it's going to be rough.

As I'm doing this, the next question is this: What can I do for you? Can I help you somehow? How can I encourage you?

Lastly tonight, I've been forgetting the most important part of my posts a lot lately: the favorite's list, so let's make up for that, eh?

My Favorite Things of This Very Moment (10:01 pm CST):

• Sidewalk chalk (Thank you, Nikky!)
• Good memories
• Being able to walk around outside without my shoes
• A&W Cream Soda
• Sunshine
• A working vehicle
• Being able to type this entire post while sitting in the comfort of my burnt orange overstuffed arm chair in my bedroom from the new laptop (woohoo! Nik, this thing is fantastical...honestly, wireless being picked up in my bedroom? Who doesn't love that?)
• David Crowder
• Borrowed books

Good night, my friends. I hope you have a fantastic night and that you find all the strength and joy you need to face tomorrow and live it to the very best, I mean, it's a Friday, what's lovelier than that?

The Reset Button

Favorite things of this very moment (12:33 pm CST):

• Dynamic Horizons Computer Services
• My wonderful long-sleeved brown/green wool sweater with the extra long sleeves that cover most of my hand and keep me feeling cozy
• Leaving insanely long and repetitive voicemails which include not only relevant information, but also things like pointless lists of things that I love (a good hat, dark chocolate, mix cds, Count Chocula, etc.)
• Bubble wrap
• Finding a box that is just the right size
• Kind parents who are willing to let you borrow their car when yours is in the shop
• Dragonflies
• Rings that remind you of your ideals and dreams for life
• Being officially out of Etter's Algebra-from-Hell class
• Switchfoot's "Beautiful Letdown" cd...sometimes you forget how much you love a set of songs...

I finally had Mr. Etter sign my withdrawal slip today. I'm so glad. It made me feel a little guilty though. I was waiting when he came in and he was smiling till he saw me. Like somehow I single handedly had just ruined his entire day. Maybe I had. I imagine having someone withdrawal from your class feels a bit like rejection, and I have a lot of experience with how that feels. It's not a pleasant thing, but you know, sometimes it happens.

Aaron didn't cause me to feel like I should implode or even hyperventilate today. He's back to normal and feeling much better. No suggestive comments, no meaningful stares, no longing in anyone's eyes. Just warmth, kindness, and laughter, like always. I'm so glad. I don't need to find myself questioning my beliefs and morals and values like that ever, ever again. At least not for such base reason. *shakes head* Sometimes I truly am an idiot.

The tall one has been left his weekly message. I realized last week that I call him each Friday. It's virtually the same message: "Are you coming over?" The thing is, I like to throw in my own special brand of insanity in each message. This weeks message included the "things I love" list which I posted examples of in my favorite things of this moment list earlier. Yeah...sometimes I amaze even me.

Today doesn't feel like anything deep or profound. Instead it seems kind of relaxed. That seems ironic considering I have already been to school, taken care of business with Etter, gone to the counseling office (of course they can't reschedule my appointment because they're only taking walk-in's at the moment...boo), and now I'm at Dynamic until 3. Then I will find myself running home and then running back out of the house to get to Kable by 3:30 so that I can get the last of my overtime in.

I think this sense of calm is from God. A peace that surpasses understanding. That's how I feel because I know that I should be worrying about something (at least that's how I act under normal circumstances of this kind), but it's like everything's in slow motion. This isn't a bad thing, instead it's allowing me to focus a little better on what is going on around me and to take it in and enjoy it at my own pace. A true thing of beauty. God is amazing.

God and I had a long talk last night, actually. This talk mainly discussed how I am an idiot. Lately I've fallen off the deep-end. This week I have been as far from happy with myself as I have been in a very long time. It's just like everything went haywire. I'm not really sure how I managed to let everything get this bad, but it did. A lot of things should not have been said or thought or considered or done. Yet I did them. Why was I rebelling like this? I'm not a teenager. There's no reason for this kind of immature behavior from me, but it seems to have been the theme of the week: stupid, impulsive, childish, and the worst was the thought process. Reigning in my thoughts should have been a higher priority, but I was lazy.

So I'm back to the beginning and moving forward. Cleared slate, and we'll see what I can make of it this time. God is gracious to the extreme and I truly don't deserve this kind of love and forgiveness.

Reset.

Life moves, and I'm moving with it.

Breath In & Breath Out

Favorite things of this very moment (4:08 pm CST):

• Sun tea in the (new) fabulous Dasani water bottle (sadly, it is also a recycle #1...argh!)
• Water proofing
• Having time to change out of soaked through clothes before I had to come to work
• Rain
• "Ugly Flower for a Beautiful Friend" mix (Gratzi Nikky!)
• Chocolate, REAL cherries, coconut
• Being completely done with my Access database project (and I was even done early and became the guru for those people who were struggling to finish...what gives)
• David's willingness to leave his laptop with me so that I could finish my project (even though that actually didn't work out)
• Edna St. Vincent Millay's beautiful poetry
• Dave Eggers in any form (such a witty man and a brilliant writer)
• The Tick vs. Season 2
• Knowing that there is a stack of wonderful books waiting for me at home
• Soft Kleenexes
• Giving myself a bit of a break after completing the first of several final projects due over the course of the next 2 weeks
• The knowledge that the end of the semester is actually in sight
• Sidewalk chalk
• The memory of Hulk Hogan the Peep ("His nipples weren't right...")

Today is one of those days were I feel accomplished even though I know that there's still so much left to do. I've decided that Access is a cruel program, but I am now capable of handling it if necessary, so I guess it's alright.

The downside is that the Access project was one of 3 major projects I am currently working on, but at least it is now out of the way and I have till Tuesday to work on my Small Business Plan and to get a rough draft of my American Lit 2 papers... I will prevail!

Last night at Youth Group, Gail decided, in light of last weeks tragedy in Sarah's death, that we should talk to the kids about salvation. Terrence and I both told her we thought it was a good idea. Several of the kids are actually very interested in getting baptized, apparently they just weren't sure what else was involved or how to voice that to anyone. I am excited. By the end of this summer, we may have 3 more little siblings in Christ. Sometimes those warm spring evenings when you convince everyone they should sit outside to further enjoy the moment...those times really surprise you and God works in really amazing ways.

We talked about how believing in God and that He sent Jesus to die on the cross for our sins in the first step in becoming a believer (or however you want to say that). If we choose to wholeheartedly follow Christ's example and believe in God's plan...we will be saved. Terrence made a good point last night, he said that once you start, as long as you keep moving forward, the rest of it will start to fall in place. We did make it very clear to the kids that no one is ever going to be perfect and that everyone messes up, but that the beauty of it is, if we get up, repent, and truly try to continue to grow and change, we will be forgiven because God is love. It is a beautiful thing.

The amazing thing is that this entire lesson that was for our kids...it touched my heart too. Sometimes I worry that I've become a bit too calloused for my own good (in fact I know I am at times), but it still touched my heart. Sometimes I try to take too much advantage of God's love for me. Instead of trying to make God happy, I make myself "happy" realizing that I am screwing up, and then the remorse and repentance that I later profess...sometimes they aren't as real as they should be. I am so glad that God is gracious and forgiving and so completely patient with me because I so often find myself still screwing the same things up.

Let me just be honest for a moment...

These are my most struggled with sins (the ones that I find myself stuck in right now):

• Eating too much and/or what's bad for me
• Gossiping when I should be building others up
• A thought life I am always proud of (this covers so many things...*sigh*)
• Trusting more in my own provision than in God's strength (and this causes me to fail more than anything else)

It's time to get back down on my knees and start praying for the strength and grace to change.

And I will leave you with the following:

"My first business is to so live that at least a few will thank
God that I lived when my little day is done."

-Alfred A. Montapert