Collab 2: Fourteen

Dear Zuni,

I miss you.

You've missed so much. Every time I see a new movie I love or hear a great song or discover a new poem, I wish I could call you and share. 

I drove through Riverview this morning. I know you're not there, but I thought maybe I could feel you. Instead, I nearly had a panic attack because not only could I not feel you, I couldn't find the two graves I visit. Too many dead. Too many.

I bought myself orange juice and peach schnapps. You would've thought it was hilarious because I had to look up the recipe for Fuzzy Navel, and then I couldn't remember where the hell they keep schnapps in the liquor department. Brilliant.

Came home and made myself a drink. Probably the only occurrence in history where I bought things specifically to make myself a drink. I just don't drink. I'm sure that's no surprise to you, but I'm drinking one for you today.

A toast!

To the man who convinced me to write

To the man who made me laugh and who knew me deeply

To the man who helped me regain my faith that good men exist

To the man who spoke in code on my front porch

To the man my mother always loved to feed

To the man who once put condoms on my christmas tree

To the man who gave the worst/best dating advice

To the man who told me the story of "The Wind Cries Mary"

To the man who made me mix cds and understood the stories I told in mine

To the man who told me I was every man's dream girl

To my best friend

I miss you.

I love you.

Yours,

The former Ms. Cheatwood now Mrs. Ewens 

(14) Hand Please

Somedays it's hard to formulate words
Maybe things ran smoothly
but you run into the wall

The phone rings
unexpected things
bad news & you fall

Even when you know
it's slipping
you never know
the time

Sometimes we don't
get to say
our goodbyes

Tears are not my favorite
but sometimes they need to fall
I'm only human
suffering backlash from the Fall

Thankful for the bright light
& the party up ahead
knowing deaths a pause
but not the end

I don't have a lot
of answers
but I'll give you
my hand
I'll stand beside you
to through this
& to the end

So darkness hovers over
this weary night
but we still have stars
to guide us
even through this
our darkest night

This I Remember

When I was a senior in high school I was in this amazing class that truly changed my life.  It was an English class.  We would read poetry or stories or novels and then write response papers for the next class.  Then the 7 of us would sit in a circle of desks with our teacher who was this incredibly crazy, but brilliant bald man by the name of John Vincent Young, and we'd discuss our ideas and thoughts and feelings about a certain piece.

But, though that did a great deal to improve my writing and my appreciation for the written word, this wasn't how the class changed my life.  No, what changed me was the giant boy with long curly hair that was so dark it was bordering on black who was a poet and a romantic to the truest extent.  His name was Jacob Zuniga.  And without ever really intending to, we became best friends.

It still amazes me.

Zuni was one of the most popular boys in our school.  Formerly a football player until a knee injury made further play impossible, he knew everyone and everyone loved him.  He was a born story teller and comic, and he could make anyone feel important.  His girlfriend once used a quote from "The Big Lebowski" to explain him, he like "that rug really pulled the room together."  Odd as that may seem, that's probably the best way to describe him that I have ever heard.

I miss him every day.

Today is September 11, 2011.  And I remember what happened 10 years ago.  I won't ever be able to forget it.  I was 15.  I was a sophomore in high school.  I was in first period algebra with Mr. Rolondo when the first plane struck.  We were watching coverage on the news when the 2nd plane struck.  I saw it happen.  Those images never go away.  I remember the questions and the crying, and I remember, very distinctly wondering if this meant we were going to war and what that would mean.  I remember wondering if the guys surrounding me would be going to war, and even worse, if my brothers, my best friends, and the boy I was sure I wanted to marry (I was 15, remember) would go to war too.

And we did go to war.  We're still at war.  Sometimes I wonder if this war is in competition with Vietnam to see who can be drug out longest without any kind of satisfying conclusion.  And many of my friends have gone to war.  A friend of mine just finally got out of the air force after being in for 6 years.  I hate this war.  I hate knowing about the things my friends have seen or gone through trying to protect the United States.  And I hate knowing that people are dying for this thing all the time.  Innocent people, good people, bad people, poor people, rich people, children and adults.  All kinds.  People are dying.  10 years of this.  Is this worth it?

All I know is that I remember.

But what I want to remember is the good.  What I try to remember is the way this amazing country pulled together.  How we donated blood and clothes and food and time and energy to help people rebuild.  How we searched the wreckage for survivors and cheered when they were found.  How we mourned together over the dead, those we knew and those we didn't.  How we supported the men and women who serve in the armed forces, even if we didn't believe in war.

We have gone through so much as a country in 10 years.  Hurricanes, tornadoes, wildfires, plane crashes, blizzards, landslides, and so many disasters, but if we learned anything from tragedy it is this: we will survive and we will take care of each other.  The love I see in this nation is overwhelming.  We are learning to take care of each other a little better all the time, and I find hope in that.

Beyond all of these memories, this day reminds me very much of all the people that I have lost in the past 10 years. A best friend, a girl who might as well have been my little sister, several classmates, 2 kids who were best friends with my youngest brothers, several great aunts, a boy who I had taught in youth group, and several very beloved elderly church members.

Zuni is what I remember and think of most.  I ran across something he wrote for me just a month and a half before he died.  My best friend was a genius, especially when it came to matters of the heart, and this particular letter was no less a gem.  I ran across it again this evening when going through some old papers, and it made me miss him so much my heart about burst.

So as a parting thought, something good to remember, something that my brilliant, amazing, wonderful best friend once said to me that I hope will do you as much good as it does me:

"In closing thoughts, love is blind.  We don't choose who we love, or who loves us back.  It's something we can't explain.  When you're away from your love, you start thinking about it.  You sit back and wonder what the hell it is that makes you work, that attracts you to them, and although you have a few ideas, it's nothing solid.  You've bunches of friends with the same qualities.  What makes them so special?  You sit and you wonder, but it's all in vain, for when they're back and in your arms, you know.  What, I'm not sure, but you know that this is right and that you were wrong for questioning it.  I guess that's true love, above all else: having faith.  Right now, I don't know what I'm doing.  I'm living for my weekend binge, for those few choice hours when I'm there and she's there and something as old as the sun but as new as our lives is there enslaving us.  I know that I die every time I see her because I know I have to say goodbye.  I know that I die every time I hug her, every time I kiss her, every time I look into her eyes and see myself.  I know that sometimes I don't remember what I've done during the day because all I've done is think about her.  I know that she's the last thing in my mind at night and the first when I rise.  She literally is the girl of my dreams; she visits every night.  I've sat on the sidelines and wondered why her, why this, and I should never have done that, for when I see her, when I talk to her on the phone or read her e-mails, I know.  I can feel it in my heart and in my mind, and I know this: this is real.

Have faith in yourself and your love.  Know that no matter what happens, you will be together again.  There is no end if it is real, no stop and start.  You'll become so entangled that you won't be singular anymore, won't be alone.  There will come a time when the roots of two trees will connect underground and form a vast village of matter, until there no longer are two trees, but one singular unit living via the other.  That's love, or at least, that's the best way I can describe it."

This I remember.

Grace Canfield

Favorite things of this very moment (4:28 pm CST):

• Being home
• "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs"
• Having located a wi-fi network that my computer can hook up to
• An email from Nikky
• Having dinner plans tonight for Alfano's with Kimmieboo, Miiitch, and Morgan (some other people too I think)
• Ice water
• Neon green socks & Forrest's sandals
• "It is Well with my Soul"

Today I had to wtch one of my best friend's sing at his very much beloved grandmother's funeral. I can't describe how hard that was to watch, but I was glad I was there. He looked wonderful and even though I could hear the heartbreak in his voice, he sang beautifully. He sang "It is Well with my Soul" because a few weeks back his grandmother told him that when she died he wanted her to sing that. He was amazing. She would have been so proud of him.

I've realized I want to be like Grace. She was incredible woman. She believed in God, family and the beauty of nature. She was an avid gardner and baker. She will always be remembered for her amazing pies and her cookies, as well as her beautiful singing voice and her thankful spirit. She's a great example of what I want to be when I grow up. Someone who understands the beauty of the little things and doesn't take for granted anything God gives. I want people to be able to say that about me, and I want to touch lives forever in the amazing way Grace did. I feel blessed for having known her and I am grateful for her influence in the lives of her children and even more so in the lives of her grandchildren. I know Jay loved her very, very much.

Maybe we should all be a little more like Grace. I can't wait to see her again.

Death, Life, Boys, Wonderment & Stuff

(Sam playing djembe and Jordan playing his gee-tar, yep. Oh, and Jake's arm and part of his face)

Favorite things of this moment (12:21 am EST):

• Amber singing along with the mix she's working on
• Coffee (even though drinking coffee after midnight when you have 2 finals and a sermon to deal with in the morning and should be sleeping is a terrible idea)
• Jordan's Christmas gift (it's keeping me entertained...oh yes)
• Crayons (they're a thing of beauty and a joy forever...at least for me, I really hope that never changes)
• Knowing that my last sermon will be delivered today and then I don't have to think about it anymore...
• The mix I'm working on...ha
• Knowing I get to babysit for Caleb on Thursday morning! Hooray small amounts of Christmas present buying money! Again, hooray!
• Nikky & Amber & Jordan & Jake & Regina

My last post was obviously a bit more depressing than I really try for normally. I'm sorry about that, but I was super upset. I'd just found out about Michael and I needed a good place to express that. I've realized I'm fairly terrible on the phone, and really all I wanted to do was cry and cry and cry. And that's what I did. I wrote that post and I talked to God and cried.

I don't know if the crying is completely gone, but it's stopped for now, and that's a good start at the very least.

Now if I could just convince my spastic brain to shut up about everything else in my life. Jordan, Nikky, and I have come up with some great plans for getting a couple of my issues out of the way. Burning down whole states, tequila as truth serum, truth serum as truth serum, and then Amber made cake.

The last part of that last sentence really didn't fit, but I'm leaving it.

I've decided to throw out the past month. Not entirely because a lot of it was good, but the insanity and pointless attachment I formed for someone who I'm not even sure is the person I have thought they might just be...

Let's say that differently: God and I had another talk the other day. I gave Him this situation with Sam and with everything connected to him because clearly I have no hand in this. I said the one thing I was hoping would help him see that he's asking to have his heart broken and to hurt someone, but it apparently did nothing at all to him. Outside of maybe make our friendship a little weirder than it already is. I mean, who meets someone and within a week has had them become one of their favorite people and closest friends. I think there's something wrong with my brain. Not my heart though, I think my heart has good intentions and high hopes for most people it meets. Sadly, sometimes my heart is freaking insane. Or at least it gets so excited and carried away when it finally finds someone it can talk to that it assumes things. And we all know what happens when we ASSume. *sigh*

Ha.

I have no idea where life is going at this point, but I'm hoping that when I go home for Christmas (which is happening on SATURDAY!) that it'll give me perspective. The past few days have already helped me recognize a few things, and I think God just needed to hit me upside the head again. This happens so very often. So, so, so very often. I swear to you if God wasn't a part of my every day existence I would go crazy because I wouldn't have anything to hold on to for hope and to keep me believe that things will work out in the end even if I don't have a clue how and can only hope they'll work out well.

And they WILL work out well. I just don't know how yet. But God does, so we're alright.

Night, my friends. May your day be filled with good luck, good things, good dreams and laughter. Mine looks like it's going to be filled with laundry, finals, a sermon, sleep deprivation, lots of coffee, and a good bit of insanity, but I think I can handle that. God's with me and I have wonderful friends to see me through.

Love to you all, J

Why, O Death, Do You Take the Young?

Dear God,

Right now I'm feeling brokenhearted. I'm struggling to understand why yet another one of the kids I watched grow up has died.

I remember Michael in youth group. I remember he drove me crazy, but I knew he had a good heart. He just wanted to be loved. We all want that. I remember hoping that he'd get along with the other kids because I knew that if he could make friends with the kids in the youth group that he would be set for life. Sure, we're all messy and screwed up, but the kids from the youth group tend to hold together and build each other up for all of their lives.

Lord, did He remember You? Did we fail him?

Right now all I can think is how young he was. He was only 19, and this happens two weeks before Christmas. Why?

Why did this happen? I don't believe You caused this to happen or that this was some sort of punishment. I think bad things happen because we live in a world that is fallen and messed up. I don't think Michael Ebens should have died. He was just a kid. Just a year older than Forrest. That scares me. All these kids I love, Lord...why do so many people have to die?

I hate crying, You know this. I hate that this has happened, and I don't know who to call? I hate that I can't be home for the funeral or the visitation because of finals and all of this. I hate that I'm already feeling guilty because of this.

And what I hate most is that I feel like I should have been spending time with this kid. I hadn't seen him in ages, and now I will never see him again. Should I have said something more the last time I saw him? Was there something else to be said? Did he know that even when he drove me crazy, I still saw him as a good kid and a kid to be loved? He was one of Your children too, and I loved him for that. I loved that Michael always got excited about things and tried so hard to always have the answer. He was a smart kid, Lord.

Why?

This just breaks my heart today.

Lord, please take care of Michael's family and his friends. The kids he went to school with, the kids in our youth group, all of us who helped teach...we're in shock. We don't understand, and I know we might not ever get an explanation, but please, God...help us. We are hurting and breaking because someone else has been taken from us. Heal our shattered hearts. Make us whole again, Lord so that we can help heal others.

And Lord, please help us to find good, even in the sadness. Help us to hold tight to You, and please, please, please, use even this darkness to create new light.

Thanks for listening, Lord.

Love,
J

Where Soul Meets Body

Jaymin Cheatwood sometimes hates everything. Well, not really. Obviously she doesn't hate you.

Mostly I just feel tired. Tired is fairly normal for just before 1am, but even so...

I'm listening to Death Cab for Cutie sing about twin size beds and passenger seats and oceans. So many things to divide us and bring us together. I don't feel like I'm keeping up with all of this.

"Soul Meets Body" may be my favorite of their songs at this point, and I find it ironic that in my Christian Ethics class we've been discussing Thomas Aquinas view vs. Augustine vs. Plato vs. Plotinus, etc., etc. So many views on the soul. So many views on "the good life." So many views on morality and ethics and priorities and God.

I am a soul and a body, all wrapped into one. When I die, I'll be dead. I'll hopefully be ashes that make some beautiful flowers or trees grow, and those ashes will wait till Christ returns before they do anything else.

As I am the Lorax, I think it would be incredibly cool to help some trees grow. I wonder how I can do that. Hmm...I guess I'll have to look more into cremation and the laws concerning the dispersing of ashes.

I guess these are just my errant thoughts for tonight. I'm pretty sure this also signifies my need to sleep, so good night sports fans.

Eulogy

I'll end this post with my favorites list. A little cheer might be needed. Eulogy

I have to admit I don't know what to say. I wish I was more eloquent. I wish I was somewhat better at saying how I really feel, but I'll try.

Yesterday morning, as I sat on the ottoman in front of my beautiful orange overstuffed armchair, I found myself wondering how exactly you let go of someone you love. It's not the first time I've asked myself this question, and sadly, I know it won't be the last. I'm not sure I'll ever know the answer to this question, but I'll keep trying.

In the chair, laying on top of a pair of blankets and a set of towels, wrapped in a third, was Cally. My beautiful 15 year old cat. Her once clear green eyes cloudy from cataracts she's had to deal with for the past year or two, her body so thin I could feel each vertebrae down her spine and could, with minimal effort, count her ribs...

When I woke up yesterday morning, I knew my life would be changing, and this time not for the better. I knew I was waking up to say goodbye to a beloved member of my family. Cally was dying.

I have had pets die in the past, but none of them has been like Cally.

Cally was something special. Cally use to always know exactly when she was needed. If I was having a bad day, was hurt or upset or angry, she always would show up. I have no idea how she always managed to do this, but she would always choose the moment when I didn't think I could deal with it any longer to show up. She would then rub up against my leg or arm. She'd curl up on my lap or next to me and purr. Few things in the world are more soothing than a purring cat. She'd stay with me until I had calmed myself down.

Cally also was incredibly well behaved. Where Mira will steal my yarn while I'm working on something, Cally would just curl up on my lap or next to me and watch. She learned that she could play with the yarn as long as she didn't slobber on it (something I'm still trying to teach Mira, gross). She, after training early on, never jumped on the table.

Cally loved to eat cinnamon toast. She also like pound cake. She once ate part of a grape sucker which was totally bizarre. I shared powdered sugar donuts with her occasionally, and she loved to lick the top layer of Nilla Wafers off (yes, they do have layers). Occasionally she'd drink my tea or water (mind you, I wouldn't after that...sheesh). She loved to lick the ice off windows or the condensation off cups. What I really never understood was why she drank out of faucets. She hated the bathtub, but she'd drink out of the bath faucet or the bathroom sink.

I use to love when she'd sit with me while I was using sidewalk chalk. The colors would rub off on her feet and fur, and she'd leave green and pink footprints up the sidewalk and on the carpet of the front porch.

She use to love it when I'd rub her tummy. She rarely let anyone else rub her tummy, but I always could. Usually by the end though we were wrestling. She'd be kicking at my hands and I'd be teasing her.

Cally, as most cats do, really loved catnip. Once while on a trip I bought her this tin of fake mice called "Three Blind Mice." It came with 3 little fake mice that were furry and were stored in this tin of dried catnip. Cal always came running when she heard someone opening the tin. She was also the kind of cat that would roll around and enjoy the catnip, but she would never get grouchy. Just ridiculous. Kept me entertained every time.

Cally was my baby. I was the only one who could pick her up any time. I was the only one who could hold her on her back. She didn't like it when most people picked her up, but all I had to do was pick her up and she'd be purring.

She was a wonderful, beautiful, silly cat. I loved her very much, and I will miss her.

A lot.

So...goodbye, Cal. You were the best. A good girl, always. I love you.

Favorite things of this very moment (11:43 am CST, because I think we need some cheer now):

• Cinnamon Rum Pecan coffee
• Kindness of friends (Linda, Mom's boss at Dynamic got us stuff from the coffee shop because she felt bad about us losing Cal....far above and beyond the call of duty, and totally unexpected...she's a great lady)
• Having a game night to look forward to on Saturday
• Great old pictures
• Plants vs. Zombies (Nik, we have it. Joel bought it yesterday, so you'll have to put it on your laptop next time you're here...seriously...it's the perfect mind numbing activity for a bad day...I was up late playing it last night...helped a lot)
• Ellipses... *winks*
• Fall sunshine
• Dave Barry (everyone needs something to laugh with)

Yesterday

"And we will be ready, at the end of every day will be ready, will not say no to anything will try to stay awake while every one is sleeping, will not sleep, will make the shoes with the elves, will breathe deeply all the time, breathe in all the air full of glass and nails and blood, will breathe it and drink it, so rich, so when it comes we will not be angry, will be content, tired enough to go, gratefully, will shake hands with everyone, bye, bye, and then pack a bag, some snacks, and go to the volcano--"

-Dave Eggers, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius

October 20,2009

"Certain things they should stay the way they are. You out to be able to stick them in one of those big glass cases and just leave them alone. I know that's impossible, but it's just too bad anyway."

-J.D. Salinger

9:31 pm CST

Sometimes I really wonder if me reading is truly dangerous to my sanity. It's just like all those stupid chick flicks. They just mess with my already shaky grasp on humanity, reality, and relationships.

Beyond that, I frequently find myself concerned about where I'm headed. How far away from God am I pushing? That seems to be where I'm pushed and headed, and I don't want to do that. I don't want to suffer those kind of consequences...but, at the same time, I don't seem to care enough to dig my toes in and hold fast.

Maybe tonight I should just put in "Get Smart," drink a Bartles & Jaymes, and let myself sleep. I don't want the hovering darkness of my thoughts to catch up with me as it seems fairly well determined to do.

Maybe it comes down to wanting to justify my life and heart. I want to spread joy and cheer and hope, but for reasons I don't fully grasp, I can never seem to do so.

*Random brilliant idea: if/when I become exceedingly wealthy, I will try and start a scholarship for church of God kids. They don't have to go to ABC, but just into a career they will love. Happy people who have been helped are more likely to pay it forward, and Christians should be trying to help take care of each other anyway...when did that stop?*

I got really charged up while listening to the last few chapters of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I ended up writing a couple paragraphs of blither. About death. I'm probably going to keep those last few chapters on my iPod. Harry dealing with the death of Sirius, it was inspiring for me. I know the pain he was experiencing. Breaks open everything in you and leaves you feeling broken and hollow and drained inside.

Breath In & Breath Out

Favorite things of this very moment (4:08 pm CST):

• Sun tea in the (new) fabulous Dasani water bottle (sadly, it is also a recycle #1...argh!)
• Water proofing
• Having time to change out of soaked through clothes before I had to come to work
• Rain
• "Ugly Flower for a Beautiful Friend" mix (Gratzi Nikky!)
• Chocolate, REAL cherries, coconut
• Being completely done with my Access database project (and I was even done early and became the guru for those people who were struggling to finish...what gives)
• David's willingness to leave his laptop with me so that I could finish my project (even though that actually didn't work out)
• Edna St. Vincent Millay's beautiful poetry
• Dave Eggers in any form (such a witty man and a brilliant writer)
• The Tick vs. Season 2
• Knowing that there is a stack of wonderful books waiting for me at home
• Soft Kleenexes
• Giving myself a bit of a break after completing the first of several final projects due over the course of the next 2 weeks
• The knowledge that the end of the semester is actually in sight
• Sidewalk chalk
• The memory of Hulk Hogan the Peep ("His nipples weren't right...")

Today is one of those days were I feel accomplished even though I know that there's still so much left to do. I've decided that Access is a cruel program, but I am now capable of handling it if necessary, so I guess it's alright.

The downside is that the Access project was one of 3 major projects I am currently working on, but at least it is now out of the way and I have till Tuesday to work on my Small Business Plan and to get a rough draft of my American Lit 2 papers... I will prevail!

Last night at Youth Group, Gail decided, in light of last weeks tragedy in Sarah's death, that we should talk to the kids about salvation. Terrence and I both told her we thought it was a good idea. Several of the kids are actually very interested in getting baptized, apparently they just weren't sure what else was involved or how to voice that to anyone. I am excited. By the end of this summer, we may have 3 more little siblings in Christ. Sometimes those warm spring evenings when you convince everyone they should sit outside to further enjoy the moment...those times really surprise you and God works in really amazing ways.

We talked about how believing in God and that He sent Jesus to die on the cross for our sins in the first step in becoming a believer (or however you want to say that). If we choose to wholeheartedly follow Christ's example and believe in God's plan...we will be saved. Terrence made a good point last night, he said that once you start, as long as you keep moving forward, the rest of it will start to fall in place. We did make it very clear to the kids that no one is ever going to be perfect and that everyone messes up, but that the beauty of it is, if we get up, repent, and truly try to continue to grow and change, we will be forgiven because God is love. It is a beautiful thing.

The amazing thing is that this entire lesson that was for our kids...it touched my heart too. Sometimes I worry that I've become a bit too calloused for my own good (in fact I know I am at times), but it still touched my heart. Sometimes I try to take too much advantage of God's love for me. Instead of trying to make God happy, I make myself "happy" realizing that I am screwing up, and then the remorse and repentance that I later profess...sometimes they aren't as real as they should be. I am so glad that God is gracious and forgiving and so completely patient with me because I so often find myself still screwing the same things up.

Let me just be honest for a moment...

These are my most struggled with sins (the ones that I find myself stuck in right now):

• Eating too much and/or what's bad for me
• Gossiping when I should be building others up
• A thought life I am always proud of (this covers so many things...*sigh*)
• Trusting more in my own provision than in God's strength (and this causes me to fail more than anything else)

It's time to get back down on my knees and start praying for the strength and grace to change.

And I will leave you with the following:

"My first business is to so live that at least a few will thank
God that I lived when my little day is done."

-Alfred A. Montapert

Jesus Wept

I'm going to do this a little out of order and put my favorite things at the end this time. I just feel I'd rather end on a good note than begin with one and reverse its effect rather expeditiously.

Kayla called me today thinking it was Monday. As it's Tuesday that would seem silly except for the fact that life has been confusing and run together and eternal for the past 3 days. When you wake up on Sunday morning thinking things are going to be normal and only get to remain thinking that for about 2 hours...it kinda throws everything else off and makes it all go a haywire.

Sarah died. My beautiful little sister. I am brokenhearted. I didn't realize until this morning how completely in shock I had been because I hadn't really cried much since initially finding out on Sunday, but today I've been crying constantly. Everything reminds me of something else which causes me to cry which frustrates me which causes me to cry more which reminds me of something else which...well...you get the picture.

Needless to say...it's been a long day.

I've had numerous messages from friends telling me they're praying for the family and/or me and that I can call day or night. I am so blessed. I have a church family that is completely wonderful who are showing so much love and support for one another right now. I have wonderful friends, many of which are coming to show support for the family at the visitation and/or funeral this week.

The best message I've had all week was one from Kim today. She said that I don't have to be strong all the time. It's okay to cry. After all Jesus wept. That made me smile. It also really made me feel better. I've heard people say "Jesus wept," about a million times but never in this context. Jesus wept when his friend, Lazuras died. Why should it be any different for me? I will cry when I am sad, especially in a situation like this. I'm brokenhearted just as Jesus was. And just as Jesus did, I have hope for the future because someday I will see Sarah again. And I'll get to meet Lazuras. Sweet deal. Alright, I'm not trying to make light of this situation, but I am feeling much more encouraged at this point. Thank goodness for wonderful friends.

And now...my list of favorite things for this very moment (4:33pm CST):

• The Internet
• My cell phone (and the fact that I can turn it on vibrate and still let people get ahold of me)
• Kim's encouraging words
• That Nikky will be here tomorrow (which means more to me than I can ever say)
• Knowing that I'll get to see Sarah someday
• That I'll be done with work soon and I'll get to spend time with Amber tonight
• That I talked to Eric today
• Orbit gum (raspberry mint and peppermint)
• Having a waterbottle with me at all times (especially when I'm currently prone to dehydration)
• Sunshine and warm weather

Death, True Love, Chases, Escapes, Miracles

Favorite things of this very moment (11:35 am):

• The following quote: "Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!" -Matt Frewer
  The that cut on my right index finger from the saw blade is healing nicely
• That Megan Ziegler is going to pull through all right
• That Wendy Thomas (Lacey and I's cousin), her boyfriend, Michael, and Michael's older brother all survived (without injury no less) crashing into a rock wall at 60 mph last night...
• My Fiji water bottle
• My blue Bitten thermal shirt
• Knowing what I am going to wear to Kyle and Angie's wedding
• New razor blades
• Feeling like I actually have a handle on my presentation for tomorrow
• Knowing that I have the money for my first tuition payment in the bank and I didn't have to borrow anything from anyone
• That God provides, even in the littlest things
• Crazy dreams and my mother's commentary

I'm glad I've gotten use to not eating lunch because I completely forgot to pack anything for today, and I have absolutely no money to pay for anything even if I did want to eat. Having The Cheese Shop next door can be a really miserable thing at times.

Yesterday I realized I'm losing weight because even with pj pants on under my jeans, my jeans were still falling down. I can tolerate the embarrassment of having my pants falling down (constantly) in front of 4 attractive men as long as there is a good reason for it. Yeah some weight loss!

By the way, the cut on my finger isn't real bad. It still hurts a little bit, and bled quite a bit when it happened, but it's not a big deal. I was just moving the saw to hang them up and caught the tip of my finger on one of the blades. Lovely, but it's healing just fine. I may have a weird little "x" shaped scar on my finger tip though depending on how it decides to heal.

And speaking of weird things that happened at work, I set my coat on fire on Saturday. Chris Ditto was in the hut eating his lunch while I was trying to get change, and I made the mistake of standing too close to Mr. Heater who apparently felt it was important to really warm me up. My coat strings caught on fire. The guy I was getting change for is suddenly says, "Your coat is on fire," and I, in all my brilliance, say, "What?" He says, "YOUR COAT IS ON FIRE." I look down and sure enough, I'm on fire. And what do you think I say in this extremely interesting moment? "Oh." I shake the coat out and it goes out. I hand the guy change. Chris didn't even react. It was amazing. And somehow I was completely unscathed and unshaken. God definitely does look out for me.

On a much sadder note, Malorie Ziegler died on Saturday. Megan, her older sister (who is a friend of Kayla, Jeff, and I's), was driving and they hit some ice or something and ended up in the other lane. They were t-boned. Malorie died on impact which is, sadly, probably for the best. Megan is currently in stable condition, but she is unaware of Malorie's death because at this point they have to keep her heavily sedated. They can't move her without her heart-rate rocketing, so they're just trying to keep her stable and let her heal before they do anything more. The good news is that the doctor's are optimistic about her recovery. They think she'll be able to heal completely and walk normally in the end. The bad thing is, even though it was an accident due to bad weather, Megan is probably going to feel guilty about this for a long time. The worst part this about this for me is watching Joel. Malorie was one of his best friends. The other night after we found out, he turned to me and said, "Jaymin, now I know exactly how you felt when Zuni died." My heart broke. Thirteen-year-old's should not have to face the death of someone that close to them. Especially another 13-year-old. It's not right. At all.

In times like this, all you can do is pray, and pray a lot. I figure I'll just do a lot of listening, make sure I give a lot of hugs, make sure the boys all know that they're important to me, and do all I can to keep them safe. And I'll pray.

But let's end this on a positive note, so I'll tell you 2 more stories:

God does answer prayer. I've been in a panic the past several days trying to figure out how I was going to set up a payment plan for classes and where this money would be coming from. I got online the other night and spent several hours filling out scholarship application stuff, trying to find my pin number for FAFSA, checking on odds and ends with financial aid, and finally trying to set up a payment plan. It was a miracle, I get into set up my payment plan and find out that I'll only owe the college $349 for my classes next semester. I didn't realize that I only had to fill out FAFSA once a year, so I had some money coming to me. It paid for my tuition except this remaining $349 and my books!

This was great, except that the first payment was due on Tuesday, and I thought I had to pay my speeding ticket Monday. Come to find out I had been reading the ticket wrong. I can't send in the ticket until this next week. I don't understand why it works this way, but it does, and that's fine with me. So that's alright, I don't have to pay the speeding ticket yet, but there's one more problem. I am short $2.13 for my first payment. Literally just $2.13. I suck it up and talk to my dad. Tell him that pathetically enough, I am short $2.13, kicking myself silently for buying a pair of Pomegranate Rock Stars to keep myself conscious while I worked out at Sinnissippi over the weekend on Friday night. Dad says it's not a big deal, he'll transfer a couple of bucks and I'll be just fine. I can pay him back when I get paid on Wednesday. So we're alright, I'm fine. I'm totally drained of all money at all and am still uncertain of where any money will be coming for the next several weeks, but at least this payment is taken care of.

Then, miracle of miracles, yesterday morning at Sinnissippi, a woman hands me a five bill as a tip. I thanked her and stared at it for a long time. I suddenly realized God had just provided me with the money I needed to cover the rest of my tuition bill. But it didn't stop there. The last family of the night came out just before we were closing, and the guys were really helpful to them. We stayed out in the field an extra 20 minutes just to make sure they got there trees and were all set. The last guy that paid handed me $10 and told me to make sure that the guys and I all went and got ourselves something warm to drink. Everyone kept thanking us for staying and telling us how sweet we were to do that. This means I got $7 in tips which completely covers the rest of my bill. I sent that and 3 dollars in change that I found in my car, my purse, and on my dresser. God provided, yet again. I didn't even realize I had any change, let alone that much. One less thing to worry about, thank you, God. :)

One last night, last night I had this crazy dream. This morning Mom was sitting with David and I while we ate breakfast before going to work, and I started telling them about this dream. I said a guy had planted a bomb at this college, and I had a guy friend there who I was trying to find so I could get him to leave with me.

Mom immediately asks, "What did your friend look like?"
I look at her strangely and ask in a real guarded way, "Why?"
She says, "Well I use to dream about your father, long before I met him."
I said, "Mom, I've always had dreams with guys with dark hair, but this guy was blond."
Mom continues, completely unphased by my saying this, "I use to dream about a guy with dark hair and blue eyes. I told of friend of mine that I was going to marry a guy with dark hair and blue eyes, and she thought I was crazy. That was before I'd ever seen your father, before I left to go to OBC."
All I can do is say, "Mom, I don't know who this guy was, but I know it wasn't Jay because he was a shorter guy." In fact, the guy in my dream looked vaguely like the blond guy Rory dated on Gilmore Girls whose name I cannot, for the life of me remember, the rich one. I can't remember the dream guys face though. I know I saw it. Often, actually, throughout the entire dream, but I can't see it in my head. All I can see is his outline and his hair (which, incidentally, I love).
"Jaymin, Aaron has kinda blond hair."
"Mom, isn't Aaron married?"
"I don't know for sure, but you've been at work with him the past couple of day, are you sure it wasn't Aaron?"
"No, I'm pretty sure, after spending all that time with him, that I'd recognize Aaron even in a dream." I thought about it for a moment, "It definitely wasn't Aaron. I don't know if I've ever seen this guy before. I can remember him except I can't remember his face."

I went on to tell them about my 2nd dream too. My mysterious blond friend was in that one too.

Mom just made sure to state again that she dreamed of dad on more than one occasion before meeting him and then, eventually, realizing he'd been the man in all those dreams. Mom's never suggested that this could happen to me, but I always thought those dreams of a guy with dark hair and eyes was the one for me...maybe not. Maybe Mom's on to something. Her dreams didn't start until just a little while before she met dad. *shrugs* Who knows.

Life is so strange. And on that note...I leave you.

Angel of Death

Favorite things of this very moment (7:16pm):

• Learning to risk falling hard
• AIM and its incessant blinking orange
• Nikky's fabulous ability to describe things
• Knowing prayer works
• Pomegranate & Lemon-aid mints: Restore
• The concept of a cocoa spa

Today, I feel like the fricking Angel of Death. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of death. I am tired of people around me, that I love dearly dying. Grandpa Thomas, both great-grandpas, little Jenny, Heather, Zuni, and Aunt Maxine....and now, dang it...what about Grandma. She could be gone at any time. She's 88 years old and not healthy, but I'm unwilling to lose her.

As selfish as it may sound...I want her to be alive to see me get married. Or at least engaged. I always figured Grandma would be the person to tell me I'd found the one...She would know. Just like she knew when Mom found Dad.

Then again, I always figured Zuni would be there to tell me I'd found a keeper. To tell me that this one treated me right, that he could see it in the guys eyes...this was the one for me. But he's gone too...

And what about Tyler? I barely have gotten to know him. He's too young. Too innocent and wonderful and full of life. All I can do is pray and pray and pray...I want him healed. And quickly...

Death, you ARE my enemy. I refuse to believe that you have an part in God. I refuse to believe that God kills any one. He restores and protects, but you Death...you are Satan's best friend. I refuse you. Do you hear me, Death? I REFUSE! You will not trap me into fear. I will not fear you because, I am going to win. I will fight you, and in the end, God will cast you out. Forever, you will not touch my forever. You will not put your shadowy fingers on the arms of the people I love anymore...you will be trampled. I am looking forward to that day with everything in me. I hope it comes soon. Very soon.

Sorry for how morbid this all sounds...it's been a long day.
It will get better. It will.