Yesterday

"And we will be ready, at the end of every day will be ready, will not say no to anything will try to stay awake while every one is sleeping, will not sleep, will make the shoes with the elves, will breathe deeply all the time, breathe in all the air full of glass and nails and blood, will breathe it and drink it, so rich, so when it comes we will not be angry, will be content, tired enough to go, gratefully, will shake hands with everyone, bye, bye, and then pack a bag, some snacks, and go to the volcano--"

-Dave Eggers, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius

October 20,2009

"Certain things they should stay the way they are. You out to be able to stick them in one of those big glass cases and just leave them alone. I know that's impossible, but it's just too bad anyway."

-J.D. Salinger

9:31 pm CST

Sometimes I really wonder if me reading is truly dangerous to my sanity. It's just like all those stupid chick flicks. They just mess with my already shaky grasp on humanity, reality, and relationships.

Beyond that, I frequently find myself concerned about where I'm headed. How far away from God am I pushing? That seems to be where I'm pushed and headed, and I don't want to do that. I don't want to suffer those kind of consequences...but, at the same time, I don't seem to care enough to dig my toes in and hold fast.

Maybe tonight I should just put in "Get Smart," drink a Bartles & Jaymes, and let myself sleep. I don't want the hovering darkness of my thoughts to catch up with me as it seems fairly well determined to do.

Maybe it comes down to wanting to justify my life and heart. I want to spread joy and cheer and hope, but for reasons I don't fully grasp, I can never seem to do so.

*Random brilliant idea: if/when I become exceedingly wealthy, I will try and start a scholarship for church of God kids. They don't have to go to ABC, but just into a career they will love. Happy people who have been helped are more likely to pay it forward, and Christians should be trying to help take care of each other anyway...when did that stop?*

I got really charged up while listening to the last few chapters of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I ended up writing a couple paragraphs of blither. About death. I'm probably going to keep those last few chapters on my iPod. Harry dealing with the death of Sirius, it was inspiring for me. I know the pain he was experiencing. Breaks open everything in you and leaves you feeling broken and hollow and drained inside.