Day 9: Kayla

Dear Kayla,

Thank you.

I just want you to know that I love you.  Tonight I was working on a project for someone.  A mix cd.

This naturally made me think of you.  How many mix cds have we made over the years?  I know that at this point they're probably pretty passe to most people.  I know everyone just likes to share playlists or whatever, but I still can't think of much that makes me happier than having someone hand me a mix cd.  What better way to express your heart or your brain or your soul or your feelings to another human being that to sing them a letter?  Because that's all a good mix is.  It's a letter.  A story.  A way to say those things we struggle so hard to say sometimes.

You know all of this though.  You know my theories about mix cds (and letters and so much else).

Kay, we may have changed a lot over the years, but I'm glad our friendship still holds true.  I am still grateful for every hug, every bit of laughter, the cards, the whispered conversations in church, the listening ear, and the advice.  You have always cheered me on and never failed to give me hope and kindness when I needed it most.

I'm sure at times you think I've gone off the deep end with all my moves and all the weird plans/dreams that I talk about (whether or not I ever manage to pursue them), but you still love me.  I worry sometimes (okay, a lot of the times) that I'm going to turn into that flaky friend that everyone kinda snickers about because they're always the one who says they're going to move to China or go back to school or teach themselves to quilt but never do.  That person with the never-ending to-do list of dreams that never manages to live.  I am scared to death that I will be that person, and sometimes I worry that's how everyone is beginning to see me (which would be fair given the track record I've had the past few years...please, I'd love more failures...), but you still make me believe that I have a future.  I don't think I'll ever have words to express how much I appreciate your love and belief and kindness.

Kayla, you are one of the kindest people I've ever met.  I've, as of yet, never met a person who could say a bad word about you or who didn't love you immediately.  And how could it be any other way?  Everyone should be so blessed as to have a friend like you.  I love you, Kay.  Thank you for loving me and for being my sister and one of my best friends through all the insanity and grief and laughter over the years.  God really blessed me when he brought me you.

Thank you.

Love,
Jaymin

I am A-Changin'

Some days I look around at my life and I am just proud that I'm still moving. I haven't given in to the doubt or confusion of it all. Nope. Instead, I'm still waking up and finding a reason to get out of bed. 

I am not perfect. I am not even sure that I'm good, but I'm trying. I was just reading a note I wrote to myself nearly a year ago about a pair of great dreams I had. Reading them felt foreign. I remembered having the dreams and how much I had hoped they were a sign of something new and changing on the horizon, but nothing changed. 

I take it back. Everything has changed. I moved home, I had to give up a plan to return to school and the future I had been trying so hard to build because I was working with and believing in someone who couldn't seem to come through for me in anything. I've started another job, but I've realized, just from that note, how much I've changed. 

God only knows what will come next, but I'll keep trying to build a life for myself. If that set of dreams ever come back to me, maybe I'll have help building my life, but in the meantime, I'll carry on alone. 

Life really is changing. I'm changing. I may accept this yet. 

I've Always Relied on the Kindness of...Well...People I Know (and Occasionally Strangers)

Everything is stacked everywhere and I feel completely overwhelmed.  I have stacks of job ads.  I have stacks of framed pictures.  I have a huge stack of winter clothes I won't need for months tangled up with a pile of dresses I never take the time to wear.  I have stacks of books and stacks of movies.  I have 2 little stacks of random gifts, letters, and notes that need to go into a box so I can send them to my best friend, Nikky sometime in the not so distant future.  I have stacks of photo albums, and tonight I just feel like my life is a series of piles strewn about on my floor.

Everyone wants to help, everyone wants to ask questions, everyone wants me to come visit them soon or to go to lunch, and everyone wishes this hadn't happened.

Me too.

I keep trying to tell myself that resigning from this job that I believed was my dream job would somehow rectify what was going on.  Doing this would help me find my path back, and I still think it will, but sitting here surrounded by all this stuff that I'd honestly like to throw into the street and never see again, it's hard to believe.  (In my head I can just see all my stuff stacked on the curb as I watch out our porch windows as people come and dance with glee at their good fortune to find stacks of wonderful books and music and movies and clothes and everything as if it were that seen in Elizabethtown where Drew gets to witness just that.)

What's keeping me together is the God keeps reminding me how loved I am.  My siblings, sister-in-law, parents, uncles, aunts, cousins, and close friends keep reminding me.  People keep trying to connect me to job opportunities or volunteering as references.  People keep trying to help me get all my stuff in one place or move things for me.  People keep hugging me and telling me how glad they are to see me home.  People keep offering to injure certain offending parties.  I guess I keep trying to spread out all those beautiful kindnesses and gifts in front of me and put them on top of all the stacks.  It may seem like that would add to the mess, but really it just makes everything a little brighter and more beautiful.

Everything about this is insane, but at least there's hope.

Decorate Your Soul

So here we are...it's Friday morning, my back has been trying to go out since last night and I am fighting it with generic icy hot patches and Bayer Back & Body.  Maybe this isn't the ideal way to start a weekend.  Perhaps the fact that I woke up just after 7 in an attempt to get my car's oil change done at a place I ended up never being able to find also plays into the less-than-ideal start to the day, but I've decided the weekend is going to be good.

In a few hours I will be driving to Atlanta.  I'll get my oil changed tomorrow at a more reasonable hour than 7 at a place I know I can find.  Tonight I will go eat drunken noodles (hopefully they'll have tofu again) with Shelby at The Red Orchid and watch "Robin Hood Men in Tights" and laugh a whole lot.  I will stretch out my back, and I will keep moving.  I'm not letting Death Spine win this one again.  I don't have the time or the money to play games with my back again.  

I will find my beautiful sister-in-law the right copy of the children's book I've written so she can continue working on illustrations.  We will get that sucker published yet.  I will actually think about Nikky's question of where I want to be in 5 years because the more I think about it the more I realize, I've got no plans, and I'm no longer okay with that.  

What I know is this: I cannot wait for someone else to plan a life with.  I can't keep putting my future on hold because I'm afraid that if I go ahead and make plans, I'll be alone forever.  Maybe I will be alone or maybe this is just a long season, but either way, putting my life on hold because I'm scared of something I can't be sure of is not going to help.  I nearly died about a year and a half ago, and I think I've been trying to figure out how to live ever since.  I think it's time I work on decorating my own soul and making my world colorful and bright for myself because it's not anyone else's job but mine, and really, if I can make my world more colorful and bright, I think that color will spill into and change the lives of the people I love and meet.

Maybe I should be the one bringing flowers.

God's Got This

I've been thinking the past couple of days about a lot of different things.

God has been very at work in my life and my heart.  I know he's always there, but sometimes I let life get busy enough that I forget to see where he's at work.

As I told you in a previous post, I've been very sick.  It's been a very challenging summer, but the past couple of weeks have been the worst.  I let go of someone I loved, my body betrayed me, and I thought I was going to have to put aside my dreams yet again.  It was tough and it was terrifying, but God works for the good of those who love him, and he tends to take all those things that I don't understand and untangles them.

I've spent a lot of time asking God to take from me my unbelief and help me see his faithfulness and love.  I've spent a lot of time reading my Bible and asking God to help me see the light at the end of this tunnel.  It's been a rough couple of weeks.

The beautiful thing is, God came through for me.  He always does.  He showed me that I am so loved.  I've had people I never expected to care ask about me, pray for me, get their whole church to pray for me, and ask if they could do anything to help.  He let one test lead to another to help my doctors figure out what was causing the real and worst part of my pain, and they're helping me fix this issue.  He's given me amazing friends who call and text and visit and encourage me.  He's shown me just how incredible my family is through their concern, the little acts of kindness, the phone calls, the texts, and my immediate family's willingness to eat a low-fat heart-healthy diet (even though I think they would prefer to eat normal food most of the time) without any real complaints.  I've gotten all kinds of cards and words of kindness.  The support is overwhelming.

picture by C. Ballard & J. L. Montgomery

I spoke to my office yesterday and was told that as long as my doctor says it's okay on Thursday, I can come back to work as early as Friday.  I would get to work however long I felt I could handle, so I won't have to worry about making myself overly tired.  This means I'll be able to earn a paycheck again, and that will give me a great deal of peace.  It still won't cover everything, but it will do a good deal to make me feel more at ease about the whole situation.

This also helped me see that though it may take a little longer than I wanted it to or hoped it would, I will still get to go to Ohio.  I am not going to have to abandon my dreams.  God will get me there, and Amber and Jake have been wonderful about keeping me excited.  Amber keeps talking about the things we'll do when I get there.  I need to pick a paint color for my room, and soon we'll be learning to knit and cooking together and trying to be a bit healthier about everything.  I will get to see Nikky and Yan and Conor on a regular basis.  So many people I love and so many things to look forward to.  My dreams are still going to come true.  God isn't asking me to give up my dreams, but to trust him with them.  I think I'm slowly learning to let him handle this.

And yes, I did give up someone I love, but I am learning, I can still wake up every morning and find the good in the day.  He was my world once, but he isn't anymore.  God's got my heart, and he's healing it quite nicely.  Better things are yet to come, and I'm going to trust God that some day in the not too distant future I will find myself in love with someone who won't walk away, but instead will love me right back.

God's got this.  It amazes me.  Despite all the craziness, I am falling more in love with God and life every day.  Today will be beautiful.

Twenty-Six

Today I am 26 years old.  A friend of mine looked at me this morning and said, "You don't look any different." He's right, I pretty much look 25.

Another friend of mine told me that this was my new year and that I should enjoy it.  I have decided to think of it that way.  I am going to figure out what quests to pursue, places I want to see, changes I want to make.  I will take pictures, dance badly, and find more ways to enjoy life.

Welcome to my new year!  Bring it on, 26!  I am ready for you!

Still Small Voice

Over the years, I have realized that God often has a person teach the exact thing that they themselves need to be learning.

A couple weeks back, the woman I help teach Sunday School with asked if I wanted to teach the weekend before Valentine's Day.  I could do that lesson, she said, because I always liked doing the "holiday" lessons.  This is true, I do love teaching the lessons and Thanksgiving (especially Thanksgiving), Christmas, Easter, and anything else I deem holiday worthy.  I agreed immediately.  Poor Earlene teaches just about every week because, to be honest, I really didn't want to be teaching Sunday School at this point.  I teach whenever she asks, but otherwise, I am content to just be in the class and help with whatever I can.

I started thinking about this lesson immediately.  I thought about I Corinthians 13, the love chapter.  I like that passage, but I don't think it's practical to teach out of this when you're dealing with 4th & 5th graders.  It doesn't have the kind of application I was looking for.

Instead I turned to a passage that has been on my heart nearly constantly for over a year now, Romans 12:9-21.  There's so much good there, and it tells you how you can show love.  You can't be evil to someone just because they've been evil to you, you need to practice hospitality, honor others above yourself, you shouldn't be concerned with peoples' status in life, rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn, do good to your fellow believers and help those who are in need.  And maybe most importantly:

"Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good." - Romans 12:21

I've been thinking about this passage all week, and as I was reading it this morning, I realized I wasn't living this. 

I've been jealous of people when I should be rejoicing with them.
I haven't been taking care of the needs of the people around me.
I haven't been holding people in honor above myself.
I haven't been showing brotherly love.
I have been looking to avenge instead of leaving that in God's hands.
And I definitely haven't been blessing those who curse me.

God was calling me out.  He is calling me out.  I can't promise that I'm going to suddenly change and be something perfect, no where close.  I can, on the other hand, say that I am going to be working harder.  Working to put God back into the center of my life, into the core of who I am.  I want God to radiate through me.  If God is love, I want to have Him glittering through everything that I do. 

So how the heck do I do this?  Well, I am started today by apologizing to a friend I have been feeling frustrated with.  I gave him a much needed explanation for my behavior, and also apologized for a grouch instead of rejoicing with him in the joy of where his life is taking him.  I have been a coward, a jerk, and afraid of change.  Afraid for myself and the changes in my life instead of helping expand his joy.  It was selfish of me to be like this, and I am tired of this.  I know God is too, so between the two of us, I am going to work on healing that relationship and moving on toward something better.

I will be better.  Every single day.

Small Sparkles

Favorite things of this moment (3:53 pm CST), a long overdue list:

• Coffee with Bailey's Irish Cream Creamer in it
• ZOEgirl singing "What Child Is This?" 
• The cheerfully insane joy having bought myself a copy of the "Breaking Dawn" soundtrack this morning brings me (the soundtracks have been consistently awesome even if the movies are completely silly, and this one is no exception)
• Apple cider candles...*happy sigh*
• Two sleepy cats and one incredibly inquisitive kitten
• Susan Boyle's beautiful voice
• The way our living room lights up to a brilliant gold color late in the afternoon and makes everything feel like it will work out no matter what I may have been feeling before.  The beauty of that color takes my breath away
• Real Simple...I picked up the December 2011 issue at the library today and I've already read it.  Such a great magazine

Today I worked for an hour.  The only reason I feel even slightly bad about that is because I probably could have skipped today and they wouldn't have to worry about paying me at all.  I went in and took care of everything they had for me.  As it is Veteran's Day, nothing new came in, so I didn't have anything else to do.  So I left and drove down to Dixon.

The reason I choose that moment to drive to Dixon?  I wanted the Breaking Dawn soundtrack.  I have bought the others as soon as they came out, and I came close to making the drive down to Dixon in the dark immediately after work on Tuesday night.  Talked myself out of that bit of silliness.  Especially since I was recovering from being sick and Morgan wanted to go to dinner.  Instead I chose to drive down today since I was without plans.  

Went down, bought the soundtrack, some sparkling juice, and a pair of candy bars (one for me, one for me to drop off for Mom at work).  Got myself home and listened to the whole cd while writing some letters, and I am thoroughly glad I bought it.  I realize I am a nerd, but sometimes you gotta take those silly joys where you can find them.  Mine are often found in finding just the right music.  I mean, look at how many mixes I have used to tell stories over the years.  Good music and good mixes...they just make the world a little better.

The rest of the day has been spent trying to do some little things to bring others joy: doing the dishes, making Forrest some lunch, taking my mom chocolate, scratching kitty ears, writing letters, working on a Christmas mix...

Sometimes it really is those little things that make life wonderful.

Again, be the good.  Little or big.  

Love,

J

Learned

Things I learned yesterday:

• Jay was raised by centipedes
• Beans, Books and Beliefs is a fantastic coffee house
• Jay's songs sound even better live than they do on the recordings (so much talent in that one)
• Applebee's half price appetizers after 9 is a wonderful deal
• I now can recognize Barry Pepper.  He's in everything.  Honestly.
•  A bowl of bacon is a glorious thing
• (something that was simply reinforced) One way streets are of the devil
• Shady guys smoking cigarettes will probably not be a real threat to you if you have your car doors locked
• Having Heather with me when I get lost is hilarious
• "Young Frankenstien" is even hilarious when you can't hear any of the words
• My friend, Chris is, in theory, moving to Nashville in 2 weeks
• Jay & Donna (not the same Jay as my tall best friend who was raised by centipedes and who is an amazing musician) are absolutely hilarious and wonderful to have dinner with
• Bruce Campbell has a book called If Chins Could Kill (which Donna brought me this morning at church so that I could read it...glorious, glorious day)
• Canadian football is the weirdest thing...so similar to American football, but so very different
• A good commercial for light beer would point out that a person should drink light beer so they could save all the calories for when they eat bacon
• Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon
• The idea that there are 6 degrees of seperation to Kevin Bacon should be replaced by 6 degrees of seperation to Father Jeremy (still weird to call him that...I mean, I met him at a friend's party my freshman year of college...ha)
• Heather may have found a place to live in  Chicago
• Having a watch makes me happy
• Sometimes you really just want people to ask you the right questions
• That I really need to figure out what is best for me
• That Heather is a phenomenal friend (I knew this before, but it really was reinforced last night...I thank God for her every time I think of her)
• You can carry a rosary in your pocket
• My mom is the best and easiest person in the world to shop with
• Pop fluff can be used as another name for pastachio fluff
• Tennis shoes are lovely
• Heather doesn't really like John Mayer
• Having someone use one of your inside jokes from the stage and then sing a song you love is one of the coolest things ever
• Jay is someone to be incredibly proud of
• Bacon

The Other Woman

I realized recently that I have someone how become the "other woman" in a friend of mine's relationship.  He's been dating this girl since the beginning of April, and I am not a fan.  I am sure she's lovely person in the grand scheme of things, and God loves her, so she can't be all bad, right?  I just know she's not good for him.  The seem forced and fake and awkward and everyone feels uncomfortable around them when they're together.  It's not good.

The odd thing is, he hides that he talks to me from her.  I didn't realize this until recently.  For a long time, our super close friendship was highly public knowledge, even after they started dating, but then things shifted.  She sent me a weird email telling me that my relationship with her boyfriend made her uncomfortable and, without saying it directly, to back the hell off.  She sent me a friend request on Facebook at the same time.  I ignored both because I was afraid I would say something mean.  I don't want to fight with this girl.  Not really.  I just want to continue being a friend the way I have been all along.

After that our relationship cut off for awhile.  I told him I'd be here when he wanted me, but that I didn't want tangled up in this mess because I knew his new girlfriend didn't like me.  It lasted about a month...and then I couldn't take it any longer.  I missed him.  He had been (and is still) the one person I feel the need to talk to EVERY day.

Now we talk on a daily basis, but his end is kinda sporadic.  A few weeks ago, I realized that he was texting me whenever she wasn't with him.  Is it bad that I find this hilarious?  We don't do anything creepy or inappropriate or super weird.   We just talk about life.

Tonight I find out that not only does he really only text me when she's not around, but that he put auto delete on his texting.  Yeah...

Seriously, am I the "Other Woman" now?  This is so unreal.

A Week in Review: It Wasn't THAT Bad! No, Really!

I have been a major downer this week, and I want to apologize for that.  Until yesterday, the week had been one grey, rainy, cold, colorless week.  Or at least that was how I was feeling about the whole thing. 

So let's refocus, shall we?  Instead of whining anymore, I would like to tell you about the AWESOME of my week.

Pie... 

Starting with PIE!  Yes, this week I made pie.  Two of them actually.  The one pictured here was the one I made for my family.  It was a bit of an experiment (as many of mine are anymore).  I put blueberry and cherry pie filling in it, but then I added fresh pear and some dried cranberries.  I realize that probably sounds really, really odd, but the combo was actually really perfect.  We ate this delightful pie while drinking some tasty decaf on Wednesday night.  I made this pie and a second one that was just plain cherry.  The cherry pie actually went to the church on Thursday night.  Autumn on Parade is this weekend and I had agreed to make a pie for the church's booth.  But we at this one here at home, partially because I needed to make pie, but also partially to celebrate the fact my mom had a successful first day run of "Quilters" which is the musical she is currently in through PAG here in town.  

Mom is the sweet, sweet Prairie fire there in the middle!

My father and I actually went to see "Quilters" last night.  I really hadn't wanted to see this musical.  That may sound a little rude or harsh or mean, but one of Mom's monologues was the most depressing bit of a musical I have ever heard, and I have seen Les Miserables...  Honestly, she has this monologue about this little girl's 7th birthday and her mom is already dead, but then during the monologue both the girl's dad AND sister die.  It's 30 below, she's 7, it's her birthday, she becomes an orphan, and she's alone in this dirt house on the prairie.  Honestly.  *shudders*  That one is awful, but the rest of the musical was great.  I mean, Mom did a wonderful job with her monologue, but the rest of the musical was, for the most part, far more upbeat, and it was often really funny.  That I really didn't expect.  The funny was a glorious touch.  If you get a chance at some point, Quilters is a musical well worth watching.  Just make sure you take Kleenex.  

Handsome Rob (erta?)

Ah yes, and then there was one more surprise addition to the week.  On Monday night, Joel was taking stuff out to the garage, and when he came back in he said there was a kitten in the garage.  Sure enough, out in the rain was an adorable little kitten.  I named it Handsome Rob even though we are now pretty sure it's a girl.  This cat is adorable and sweet, but sadly we just don't have the money to take her to the vet for her shots so we can keep her.  We are currently feeding her, and she is currently living on our porch.  We're working on finding her a good home where people will love her as much as we are all coming too.  So...*hint, hint,* if you want an adorable, cuddly, purring kitten of your very own, please let me know.  I would love to see Handsome Rob(erta) to a good home.  The good thing is, the vet we take our cats to told us that if we can't find her a home by the end of next week, he will take her in and find her a good home.  This definitely makes me feel better.  I just want this little one to be loved.  She's so sweet.

Anyway, today is sunny and glorious, and my mood and brain have finally gone back to where they need to be.  Sure...life isn't perfect, but it never will be.  But, I can smile because I got to sleep in this morning, my mom made chocolate chip banana muffins, I am listening to Jamie Cullum sing to me about how weird your 20's are (AMEN!), and in a few hours I will be having dinner with my friend Morgan and some of her friends for her birthday.

Life is going to be just fine.  

Change of Heart

Sometimes the darkness really is a terrible thing.  Sometimes it finds you looking through old pictures and seeing yourself a long, long time ago with a boy that you, at the moment they were taken you were certain you would be spending the rest of your life holding onto.  And he thought that too.

But no matter how long you look at this picture, and no matter how happy you both looked in this picture, you know now how that story ends.  The way so many of our stories end.  It ends with a lot of tears, and questions.

Why didn't it last?  Why didn't this love work?  What was wrong with it?  What was wrong with you?  Why couldn't they love you anymore?

And then you realize it just wasn't meant to be.  They weren't supposed to be the center of your universe.

God was.

And the more I look at this, the more I realize this was just one of those beautiful bits of my story.  I bear a lot of scars from the boy in that picture, but I also learned so much about myself because of him.  And as angry as I was for so long at him, it wasn't his fault things didn't work out.  We just were not what the other one needed.  The closer I became to God and the stronger in myself I became, the farther from him I became.

This is good.

Now I know that God is the center of my universe, whatever love I am meant to keep for mine for forever...he will be standing at my side searching for God with me.  We'll be journeying through life together with all the hope and joy and courage we can muster.  Holding each other up and not letting one another fall away.

My deepest wish is that we all find that.  The wonderful, beautiful boy in the picture with me does too.

Passion, You Disarm Me

My problem is, and probably always will be, passion.

Passion that wants to change the world from the inside out.  Passion that wants to share a life with someone else starting at this very moment.  Passion that wants to feel deeply and run free.  Passion that wants to hold the heart of another person tightly and lavish it with everything I can.

I am drawn to the passion of others.  I find people most attractive when they are discussing what brings them the most joy.  I love listening to my friend, Jay talk about music and recording.  I love listening to my friend Amy talk about ministry and God.  The same can be said of my friend Jake.  With Jordan it is languages and computers and theology.  With Nikky it has always been about art and love and movies and language.  Sam undoes me when he sings or plays and talks music or people.

Each person, as Neil Gaiman once said, is full of their own secret worlds.  They may seem quiet and subdued, but each one of us has something inside of us that makes us beautiful.  We are all full of secrets and magic and light, but so few people will ever take the time to see that.

It's this secret inside the hearts of others that I find so beautiful.  What draws me most to people is when I see glimmers of this.

I cannot help but feel a little overwhelmed when I hear someone sing and I can hear the words resonate deep inside them.  It makes me ache and wish that I could find a way to see what make those words or that song mean what it does for them.

Are We Done?

I miss this.  I miss him.  I miss this version of him.  My version of him.  The one that is one of my closest friends.

On the other hand, I still don't understand why I am making a face that looks that stupid.  Ha.

Life is strange and interesting.  I always find it interesting that texting can make someone seem right their with you and also a million miles away at the same time.  Because of the texting it seems like Sam and I are back where we started.  Talking every day.  The difference is that I can tell he is holding back and that I am no longer a main focus in his life.  I miss this.

It's time to grow I guess.

Leadership Mentor

Today I was asked to be someone I adore's leadership mentor. Basically I will be discussing questions from his ministry leadership class with him as they are given out. I don't know what all it will entail, but I agreed to it without thinking. It was just one of those things that caught me off guard.

Sometimes it is a surprise to realize someone sees you as more brilliant or good or wise than you see yourself. At least, it is always a surprise to me.

I wish I could have been there in person for him to ask and not 850+ miles away. I wanted to hug him.

Good Night, Moon

I keep staring at my phone like something is going to change and happen. Go figure, eh?

This week has been interesting. The past few have been interesting.

Let's catch up:

1. For Nikky & Yan's wedding, I learned how to tie bow ties. I am crazy proud of this for some reason. Maybe it's just because it's such a random skill, and I'm a fan of those. Whatever the reason, I'm thrilled to know this, and Yan's best man, Fred was adorable about it. He kept his tied through everything that night and told me that he was afraid to untie it because it looked so good and he knew he wouldn't be able to do it again.


2. Today I got texting on my phone. David and I got a new plan that's just the two of us. I'm a little nervous about that. The plan is fairly basic. I won't go over in minutes because I rarely talk on the phone, but the texting makes me a little nervous. Anyone on Verizon is welcome and able to text me and send me as many pictures as they darn well please, buuuut if they don't have that...it's going to make it a problem. David's girlfriend doesn't have Verizon either, so I am going to try and let him have most of the regular text messaging rights. I have no one like that, so yeah...although, the boy I want has Verizon, so maybe this will work out alright.


3. Sam kinda kills me.


4. As a reminder, Jordan Durham is my musical soul mate. For serious (as Joel says).


5. I am not returning to ABC until spring semester. That's tearing me up inside every other day. It's hard to explain exactly why to be honest. I know I need to finish up my degree at the college, but sometimes I wonder why God's saying "Wait." I'm trying to keep my eyes open because I'm clearly missing something.


6. David saw me rereading Agnes & the Hitman for the 7th(?) time the other night, and I told him I always see the people I would cast for the various parts when I read it: Mark Wahlberg as Shane, Reese Witherspoon as Agnes, Matthew McConaughy as Taylor, etc. He asked why I don't just right the screenplay. I've been toying with the idea ever since. I just am totally unsure of how you would go about starting that, especially when it's someone else's book. May have to do some looking into that.


7. My room still looks like the victim of a natural disaster and I'm struggling to motivate myself to change it. I know I need to finish unpacking and actually set up my life here, but it's really hard to do. I just feel overwhelmed, and it makes me want to throw everything but my books out and start over. In reality though, I don't think that would really cure anything. I think it would just be another way of avoiding the reality of this current situation, and I really just need to embrace this and find the joy.


8. I received a letter in the mail this week from one of my family group girls from FUEL this year. Marisa sent me a beautiful letter and a bracelet she'd made and told me exactly what had stuck with her from all the things I said while we were at FUEL. The whole week I worried that I was saying too much and that the girls were just glazing over. I kept praying that God would give me all the words I needed to be saying to them. He came through for me as he always does. It was so cool to see how God touched one of my girls' hearts and see what kind of change it's making. God does amazing, amazing things.


9. I've been reminded of how awesome my friends here at home are. Jay and Morgan especially. Jay is coming to the house for our first front porch talk since I've been home (how on earth we managed to go the whole summer without one still confuses me), and hopefully it will catch us both up on each others' lives a bit. We need that. And Morgan, sweet, hilarious Morgan. Morgan has been good at reminding me that we need to spend time together, and that dinner each week always brings me joy and helps me to walk away smiling about something. God blesses me so much.


10. Books. Beloved, wonderful, glorious books. I've been staring at my shelves again, and I'm realizing that I really am finally breaking my book collection down to EXACTLY what I love best. Everything else is given away or returned to the original owner with lovely thank you notes or donated to the library. The collection may shrink, but now it's easier to see who I really am. I love the worn binding on many of my books and the scribbled notes and highlighted portions of each of them. Each is so loved.

This is but a tiny, tiny portion of my life right now, but it's still what's going on. You needed to know. I needed to say it. And now:

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (12:31 am CST):

• "Bella's Lullaby" by Carter Burwell


• "New Moon (The Meadow)" by Alexandre Desplat


• "Jacob's Theme" by Howard Shore


• My wonderful friend, Amy's adorable, brilliant new blog: http://lovesewbeautiful.blogspot.com/


• Texting (I still miss the iPod, but this will do for now)


• Knowing my bed is a few feet away and in a few more moments, I'll be asleep there


• The much cooler weather

And Hope Walks In...

This is where my summer started. I was in TN stopped at the prettiest rest stop in the world: Nickajack Dam. I took the time to walk around the rest area and I took this picture. It seemed incredibly symbolic for me.

I was staring up at the steps of my life. The steps that would take me into a new portion of life. A new bit.

Life is far from what I planned. First a summer at home that I didn't expect, and now a fall semester at home. No school, just work.

And yet, this is okay. I feel at peace. I'm homesick for my life at ABC, for the people their, for the churches I'm involved with, buuuut I'm already seeing where I could be of use here. I've got friends here at home that I didn't expect to be here. I have people to encourage. I have new joys to locate and new things to try.

Also, I was asked to be on the board of directors for a nonprofit organization called Children of Change. I thought I'd be thinking about this far into the next couple of weeks, but instead all it took was one really good conversation for me to decide. I agreed. Eventually, according to the plan, when things are off the ground and running, I'll step down from the board and be the office manager. Maybe that sounds backwards, but really, for me, that's perfect. I want to be the one helping keep us together and making sure everyone has what they need. I've been working on offices for the past...what...6 or more years? I'm getting better and better and keeping it all together, and I look forward to the day when I can actually run the office of this grade organization called Children of Change. Just wait, God will do great things here. We just have to stay focused on his lead.

God does amazing things in my life. No matter where He puts me.

I love this.

The Amazing Amy Cunningham

(The lovely Amy Cunningham attempting to eat one of the cream puffs from China Buffet even though Morgan had just made some pretty sketchy comments about their taste and condition. Forever the courageous one.)

The Traveling IL Summer Mix (Summer 2011):

1. Blessings - Laura Story


2. Wait and See - Brandon Heath


3. Hands - The Almost


4. Sing, Sing, Sing - Chris Tomlin


5. This is Love - Aaron Winner


6. Praise You in this Storm - Casting Crowns


7. Alive Again - Matt Maher


8. Washed by the Water - Needtobreathe


9. Our Love is Loud - David Crowder Band


10. Hello Hurricane - Switchfoot


11. Hold Us Together - Matt Maher


12. Love is Here - Tenth Avenue North


13. Wait for the Morning - Aaron Winner


14. God of this City - Chris Tomlin


15. How Great - David Crowder Band


16. YHWH Saves - Aaron Winner


17. How He Loves - David Crowder Band


18. Love Never Fails - Brandon Heath

This was the mix I made for Amy. I feel it was the soundtrack for our summer.

Tonight I went with Amy and my brother Joel to dinner at Taco Bell, a classy dinner to be sure, and it was a great pointless casual dinner. I enjoyed it a great deal and I think they both did as well. The thing about it though is that it was my last evening with Amy before she left. Sad days.

Amy and I really didn't know each other before this summer. We knew about each other and had met, but we weren't really friends. That all changed the night she decided to get in my car to go to Jay's and it would lead to a really hilarious road trip up to MN Camp and a lot of swapped stories about lives and loves and families and favorites.

You ever meet someone who you just feel at ease with? Someone who brings out the best in you? Amy is like that for me. She's one of those great people who sees the good in you and makes you better for it.

I'm glad I came home this summer. I think getting to know Amy was definitely one of the reasons God brought me home, and I am grateful for that.

Life is good. God is good. Thank goodness for hilarious summers and great friends like the amazing Amy Cunningham.

The above pictures are all from the last 24-hours. Yesterday I drove here to lovely Ohio so that I could be here to help my best friend, Nikky with all the last minute preparation for her wedding. She's getting married Saturday, and today we had 500 roses show up at the house. Our morning and the early part of our afternoon was spent getting center pieces, bouquets, and boutonnieres made. Everything looks beautiful. We've realized it's nearly impossible to screw up roses, and for this I am grateful. It's lovely.

I guess I don't have much to say, but I loved all these great pictures. The first couple were from while I was driving, and the rest of them are of the roses and what we were doing with them. The two large boxes are what the roses came in. They showed up like that this morning. It was pretty intense.

This is going to be one incredibly beautiful wedding. I am glad I am here to be a part of this. It's glorious.

Love,

J

I Will Worship While I'm Waiting

Tonight I am tired. It is late and I have work in the morning. I am wondering how long this will be, and hating myself for wondering.

I keep hearing the words echo back through my head from a song I heard in a movie once, "I will worship while I'm waiting..." I remember feeling a deep longing as the guy sang those words, and at that moment I knew exactly what he meant, and I knew that that was exactly what I wanted to be able to do. I want to worship while I'm waiting.

I was hoping to be able to post something incredibly hopeful and deliriously happy about how I would be heading back to ABC in the fall, as if there was ever any doubt, and that life was truly moving along perfectly. That's what I wanted to post. That I was silly to have ever wondered.

What's really silly is that I'm still surprised each and every time God changes my plans for something better.

Does this mean I am not heading back to ABC 3 weeks from today? No. It simply means that I don't have clear cut answers like I was hoping for. I asked God for a sign, and He gave me something unexpected. I told him that whatever the college told me they felt needed to happen, I would do that, and I would do what I could to accept it gracefully. Yeah...that didn't exactly work. The college did answer me, but not, so much, with an answer as with a new question.

I responded, and we'll see what is said further. At present, I am trying to come up with a new to-do list so that if I end up in an unexpected place, yet again, that I will actually use the time to my advantage and share my joy. I do not want to become the bitter, frustrated version of myself that I was the last time I came home from college.

A week or two ago, I posted a play list from a cd that I made my friend Jordan. It was a play list meant to inspire him. To lift him up a bit because I know that the last bit of July and usually on into August are rough for him. I am feeling this toll as well. I've been listening to that cd on repeat for the past several days.

It's hard to recover from the high points when you seem to drop so low after them, and tonight my mom reminded me of that. She walked in to tell me the good news that my grandmother (my beloved 91, nearly 92, year old grandmother) was back home and out of the hospital. She's doing just fine. And I, being the bit of a wreck I am, blurted out everything about the email and the payment plan and the contract and the requirements and the job I don't have down there and the money I would have to come up with and how upset I was and how confused I was and how much I felt like a failure as an adult all over again and how angry I was feeling because this seemed like a painful echo of the last time...

But my mom said no, this is not the same. The last time was not my fault even a little, and that this time just happened. That this is all happening right after I was so full of crazy hope and optimism because of FUEL and that it's after those highs that we tend to sink down to the lowest of the lows. It's life's way of rebalancing everything. She said it would be okay and that God has got it. She said she could always arrange my marriage to one of the Bliss boys or maybe even the one of whom I refuse to speak because he's always trying to marry everyone and it makes my right eye twitch just thinking about it (and Nikky, it wouldn't even be worth it once, not even a little). Mostly she said she was sure that this would work out somehow in the end. It always has before. God's got this.

And she's right. She's always right.

But it's still hard.

Jordan told me to punch the college registrar with a weasel into a wall. I said I wanted to punch one of the three. He improved it. He always does.

Kimmie sent me hugs and told me that she's praying.

I know Jay's praying.

And I know Nikky is too.

I just wish that sometimes I didn't have to make a Venn Diagram of my heart. That I didn't have to separate the pieces and realize that I was going to only get to keep one side and the middle bits for now. I don't like that my home is split into several places. It makes life strange at times, and I don't know what to do with it.

I do know this: if I stay, things will work out. I was offered an additional job. I will have a part time job at the pharmacy as often as they can find me work. I will continue to write for Tramp Imperial Travel, and I will work at Basket Beginnings as often as Linda finds use for me. I will make baby blankets for all the beautiful new little ones that are coming into my life and the lives of the people I love. I will send care packages to the people that I love down at ABC and several other places to because I refuse to be forgotten, ignored, or simply not missed (I WILL BE MISSED, DANG IT!). And I will buy myself an iPod so that I can text Amber and Sam and Jordan and Kimmie and Jack as often as I am capable of being near wi-fi. I will help with the youth group and go to Joel's band concerts. I will help Forrest adjust to his first year of college and try to spend more time with David and Kels. I will continue to get to know Amy, and I will spend time with Morgan and Chelsea whenever they are available. I will keep making Jay laugh until he cries because we are talking way too late at night and we've consumed way too much caffeine. I will learn to quilt/knit/whatever else I can manage. I will go to the play my mom will be in this September, and I will spend as much time with the little ones at church as I can. I will write long emails and spend a fortune on postage so that people will know that I love them enough to send them real mail (and the aforementioned emails). I will work hard. I will save money, and I will find a way to get my butt back down to the college to finish as soon as God allows (if not now, January? Please, God).

And I will continue to daydream about a boy with blond hair who plays drums (and guitar and piano and...) and wears t-shirts part of the time.

Mostly though, wherever I am. Here or in GA, I will do my best to be what I call others to be: full of joy and thanksgiving. I will find ways to serve others (big and small) and I will find the things God brings into my day each day to be thankful for (because I am blessed).

I will worship while I'm waiting.

ps. "Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle. Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame." - Romans 12:9-11 (MSG)

Amen.