Thanksgiving in the Months of August & September

August and September 2012 will be a months I never forget.  The whole of my summer was pretty intense and wacky, but I have to say the end of this summer may be what sticks out most.

You've probably read some of the insanity that's gone on in my life for the past couple of months, but what I am learning to focus on are the ridiculous number of things and people and situations that God has blessed me through.  This is my Thanksgiving summer.  Truly, my thanksgiving summer.

So here's what I'm thankful for (in no particular order):

• My insanely supportive family who have done everything from visiting me in the hospital every evening I was there to making me tea to carrying things for me (which I'm still not allowed to do) to praying for me to making me laugh.  They're wonderful.
• Giant water bottles I got at the hospital.  They're huge and they keep everything cold for a long, long time.  I love it.
• Morgan Glawe.  Honestly, I can't thank her enough for her support, encouragement, book lending, gifts, and time.  Morgo, you make me happy.
• Amber, Kimmieboo, Heather, Hilary, and Regina.  For the prayer, support, laughter, and for Hil busting me out of the hospital to bring me home.
• My iPod (thanks, as always, Carson...this thing is fantastic and continues to survive so much).  It kept me sane several different nights at the hospital when the sounds and people in other rooms were too much for me to deal with anymore, and has been a wonderful thing to keep me sane here at home too.
• Jordan Durham.  For reminding me that God always works for the good, telling me that I won't always need reminders to be patient, making me laugh, and being one of the best friends I have ever had.
• The internet.  For allowing me to talk to Nikky even though she's been in China through most of the past month.  
• Nikky Wu.  My best friend, for praying for me even when she was half the world away, for making me one of the best care packages I have ever received, and for always being, well...the BEST.
• Kimzipan and Jay for bringing me the circle-a-word puzzle book, laughter, and magazine with Ryan Reynolds right there on the cover the night I got home from the second round of hospitalization (I am glad I have you in my life, and I'm glad you're together...it needed to be).
• Foods that are healthy and still taste good which make dealing with pancreatitis and gall stones much, much easier.
• My church families (IL, MI, OH, GA, MO, NB)...God continues to blow me away through your kindness, prayers, love, support, and generosity.
• Hope.  I would not be able to do any of this without God constantly showing me that their is always hope.
• Jake and Amber's continued love, support, and reminding me that I have a place to move into when I'm ready (and thanks for taking care of those couple boxes of books, I can't wait to live with them again).
• Amanda and Rich.  For all the prayer and kind words on top of the sweet care package full of tea and joy and socks.  It meant the world.
• Barf bags.
• The insane flexibility of my office in working with my terrible health and crazy number of doctor's appointments.  This is terrible for me, but it's been no picnic for them either.
• Having a fan next to my bed at night while here at home because I'm finding the sound gets me to sleep when nothing else seems to.
• Kevin Rogers.  He may not know it (he may never know it really), but he made the day of my surgery, and going down for my surgery so much less scary.  I know this wasn't an insanely terrifying surgery and it's fairly common, but with everything else that had gone wrong lately...his belief that my surgeon was a good guy, making me laugh, and telling me it was all going to go just fine...I believed it.  I am forever grateful.
• Texting.  I would have gone insane while in the hospital without it.  Well, without texting AND cable TV (the Travel and Food networks really are addictive).
• Books.  I find myself reading a lot lately.  Fact and fiction.  I am grateful for every writer ready and willing to put pen to paper and tell us how the story goes.  I have needed that a lot lately for my little mental vacations (special thanks to Jennifer Crusie and Bob Mayer for writing both Agnes & the Hitman and Don't Look Down.  Please collaborate on many more books so I will have new favorites to read and new reasons to laugh; I need them).
• Knowing I'm healing every day, even when I feel lousy.
• Feeling that I am truly growing closer to God each and every day of this and finding that it's all worthwhile because of that.

Mind you, this is a very abbreviated list, but it's a start.  I am so thankful.  I hope Thanksgiving is something I can keep going in October too.  Let's see where God takes all of this.

What are you thankful for?

Things are Getting Better

Today I had my check up with my primary doctor.  I have never in my life needed to use the term primary care physician until the past three weeks, and suddenly it's become an incredibly normal term.  As I said, today I had a check up.  I was told by the floor doctor at Swedes that he wanted me to see my primary care physician about a week after I was sent home from the hospital just to check in and make sure things were going smoothly, and he also wanted me to have some blood drawn so they could run a couple tests.  I was not excited about the labs, but I scheduled the appointment like he had asked.

I got up this morning, and my mom and I went to the doctor.  (Now that I think about it, I am realizing I haven't driven in at least three weeks...I hope I remember how after all of this is over...)  I'm not sure what all I was expecting, but I was a little nervous.  After going a full week without having anyone stabbing me with a needle, I was not looking forward to having to do that again.  I have a sincere phobia of needles, and though it's gotten a tiny bit better because I had to have blood drawn so regularly at the hospital, I am still pretty terrified of them.

Thankfully, my favorite nurse, Susan, was there to take care of me this morning.  She asked how everything was going, and could tell simply by how I was walking and talking that I was feeling quite a bit better.  I had quite a shock when she weighed me: I have lost 16 lbs since I initially got sick a couple weeks ago.  I don't recommend severe pain, gall stones and pancreatitis as a way to lose weight, but this is still probably good for me.  The low-fat heart-healthy diet is doing it's job too, so I am looking at this as the one benefit of all this insanity.

When Susan got me into the actual room for my check up, she asked about the medications I was on, and I told her I was on some painkillers and omperazole (which takes care of the acid levels in my stomach, which is a huge help and keeps me from wanting to throw up).  I told her I was down to my last pain pill, and that the one really bad thing about this was that the painkillers have been what's helping me actually sleep at night.  She looked a me and said, "There's no shame in asking him to refill that order.  You don't need to be in a lot of pain."  She ended up telling my doctor that I should get a refill, and, glorious day, I ended up with the pain meds I need so I can sleep at night while I'm still healing.  I am so grateful for that.  I don't take them much during the day anymore, but at the end of the day, when I am worn out, everything hurts.  This will make life much easier and help me keep healing.

Dr. Breck came in shortly there after, and I asked him if he had seen my MRI results yet because I still hadn't seen them.  He was pretty surprised by that, but pulled them up right away and explained everything to Mom and I.  I told him how frustrated I was with the doctor's I met at the hospital and how no one had told me what the MRI had said or answered my questions clearly, so he cleared a lot of things up.  The best one was him explaining why every doctor that came in said the word "cancer."  The gastroenterologist (GI) doesn't believe that I have cancer.  He thinks what the radiologist (who read the MRI and got the whole cancer mess started) thought was cancer is simply an ongoing issue caused by the pancreatitis and gall stone/bladder issues.  This is the same thing that Dr. Breck thought and had talked to me about with ultra sound back at the beginning of this.  It was wonderful to hear him say that it really doesn't look like any of this could be cancer, but instead that everything can pretty much be traced back to issues we are already working on healing.  I still do have to go back and see the GI doctor and have another CT scan (blah) just to make sure everything with my pancreas is going alright and to see how my liver is doing at that point.  Hopefully when I see him in a couple more weeks he will have good news for me.

I also got a work release notice, so tomorrow I get to go back to work for a couple of hours.  Dr. Breck said I just need to make sure I take care of myself and don't wear myself out too bad.  Thankfully my job is pretty low pressure, and tomorrow I will mostly be getting envelopes ready for statements and getting a little reconciliation done (yes, I already called the office and got this set up).  It will be nice to feel like my life is a little closer to normal.

Dr. Breck is a wonderful doctor, and I am so grateful that I am here instead of anywhere else dealing with this.  It would probably be very hard to have my questions answered otherwise.

The labs weren't too bad either.  Dr. Breck's office has a wonderful lab tech named Terry.  Mom and I went in so I could have blood drawn for a couple tests that will just let them know that my blood sugar levels are normal and my kidneys are functioning just as they should among other things.  Terry knows exactly how much I hate needles, but she found a vein without any trouble, only stuck me once, and I barely felt it.  She kept asking me questions about my surgeon and this whole situation until she was done, and told me to make sure I don't let the surgeon get away without answering all my questions when I see him next week.  She was wonderful and made the whole process a lot less scary then it normally is.  I am grateful.

I had several people praying that today's appointment and labs would go smoothly, and they did.  I am grateful, and God did all that I asked of him and more today in this.  Things are definitely getting better.

God's Got This

I've been thinking the past couple of days about a lot of different things.

God has been very at work in my life and my heart.  I know he's always there, but sometimes I let life get busy enough that I forget to see where he's at work.

As I told you in a previous post, I've been very sick.  It's been a very challenging summer, but the past couple of weeks have been the worst.  I let go of someone I loved, my body betrayed me, and I thought I was going to have to put aside my dreams yet again.  It was tough and it was terrifying, but God works for the good of those who love him, and he tends to take all those things that I don't understand and untangles them.

I've spent a lot of time asking God to take from me my unbelief and help me see his faithfulness and love.  I've spent a lot of time reading my Bible and asking God to help me see the light at the end of this tunnel.  It's been a rough couple of weeks.

The beautiful thing is, God came through for me.  He always does.  He showed me that I am so loved.  I've had people I never expected to care ask about me, pray for me, get their whole church to pray for me, and ask if they could do anything to help.  He let one test lead to another to help my doctors figure out what was causing the real and worst part of my pain, and they're helping me fix this issue.  He's given me amazing friends who call and text and visit and encourage me.  He's shown me just how incredible my family is through their concern, the little acts of kindness, the phone calls, the texts, and my immediate family's willingness to eat a low-fat heart-healthy diet (even though I think they would prefer to eat normal food most of the time) without any real complaints.  I've gotten all kinds of cards and words of kindness.  The support is overwhelming.

picture by C. Ballard & J. L. Montgomery

I spoke to my office yesterday and was told that as long as my doctor says it's okay on Thursday, I can come back to work as early as Friday.  I would get to work however long I felt I could handle, so I won't have to worry about making myself overly tired.  This means I'll be able to earn a paycheck again, and that will give me a great deal of peace.  It still won't cover everything, but it will do a good deal to make me feel more at ease about the whole situation.

This also helped me see that though it may take a little longer than I wanted it to or hoped it would, I will still get to go to Ohio.  I am not going to have to abandon my dreams.  God will get me there, and Amber and Jake have been wonderful about keeping me excited.  Amber keeps talking about the things we'll do when I get there.  I need to pick a paint color for my room, and soon we'll be learning to knit and cooking together and trying to be a bit healthier about everything.  I will get to see Nikky and Yan and Conor on a regular basis.  So many people I love and so many things to look forward to.  My dreams are still going to come true.  God isn't asking me to give up my dreams, but to trust him with them.  I think I'm slowly learning to let him handle this.

And yes, I did give up someone I love, but I am learning, I can still wake up every morning and find the good in the day.  He was my world once, but he isn't anymore.  God's got my heart, and he's healing it quite nicely.  Better things are yet to come, and I'm going to trust God that some day in the not too distant future I will find myself in love with someone who won't walk away, but instead will love me right back.

God's got this.  It amazes me.  Despite all the craziness, I am falling more in love with God and life every day.  Today will be beautiful.

Today is the First Day of my (Summer) Life

Ah, Summer.  You have returned to claim us again.

It is still warm, but not insanely hot like it has been for the past three days.  Seems kinda hilarious actually that it was so painfully, recordbreakingly hot for the last three days of Spring, and now it has dropped about ten degrees.  Not that I'm complaining.  Oh now, this weather is delightful and can stay or even continue to drop as far as I am concerned.  I'm better in cooler weather anyway.

But God's got this.  The weather is delightful.  The sunshine is making everything feel glorious and the breeze makes everything seem worthwhile.  The flowers are blooming, my brothers are working on a variety of things like resumes and thank you notes, and I am contemplating life in general.  I should probably be making a return phone call to the wonderful guy that called me earlier, but a friend of mine is supposed to be stopping by soon to show me a new project she has taken on and I want to make sure I am fully present.  I want to make sure my friend gets my best when I talk to him too, so that phone call will probably have to wait till tomorrow as both our schedules look to be filled for the evening.  At least that gives me something to look forward to (and be, for reasons I can't list, ridiculously nervous about..ha) for tomorrow.

Tomorrow will also hold yet another chiropractic appointment.  Hopefully after it I will not find myself wanting to cry for several hours which is typically the case, but I will say this, each of those appointments has made me feel a little better and made me a little more cheerful.

I did actually finally hear back from Dar at the office.  I emailed her yesterday to explain my situation after trying yet again to call the office and talk to her or Marc without success.  She emailed me back right away.  She really put my mind at ease.  Dar told me to make sure that I listen to my doctor and not push myself.  I am not to rush back to the office, but instead to make sure I am healing really well first.  You gotta appreciate that.  Now I just need to finish healing up and head back to work.  I am planning to return to work Monday.  Yes, this means I am down nearly two full weeks worth of pay, but if it keeps me from being in horrible pain because I am pushing myself too hard...I'll take it.

I also begin house-sitting tomorrow night.  I may take Joel and/or Forrest with me tomorrow night just to be on the safe side, but we'll see.  I may be doing fine on my own by tomorrow night.  I hope so.  I could use some time alone, as well as some time believing I am actually capable of taking care of myself again.  Plus, I just taking care of this house for my friends.  One of the best gigs you could ever have, and it gives me a little time to feel like an adult again.

Well, now I should probably sign off, but I shall leave you with a long overdue list.

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (4:58 pm CST):

• Golden sunshine
• What's a Girl to Do? by Janet Folger
• Unsweetened ice tea
• "You Only Live Twice"
• Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine (Nikky, I am so addicted to this stuff)
• The cooler temperatures
• Finally hearing from my office manager!

A Fool's View from the Fire Escape:

1. Lost Love - Mindy Smith
2. Fire Escape - Matthew Mayfield
3. Kill - Jimmy Eat World
4. What I Know - Parachute
5. I Caught Myself - Paramore
6. You Keep Me Hanging On - The Supremes
7. Make Me Wanna Die - The Pretty Reckless
8. Missing You - Tyler Hilton
9. The Kill - 30 Seconds to Mars
10. Leave the Pieces - The Wreckers
11. Hopeless - Train
12. Your Time is Gonna Come - Led Zeppelin
13. Friends Don't Let Friends Dial Drunk - Plain White T's
14. How's It Gonna Be - Third Eye Blind
15. Your New Twin Sized Bed - Death Cab for Cutie
16. So Close - Jon McLaughlin
17. Moonlight Kiss - Bap Kennedy
18. Coffee & Cigarettes - Michelle Featherstone
19. (If You Want It) - Relient K
20. I'm Gonna Find Another You - John Mayer

It's been a long hot summer and I'm still trying to leave you alone.  I heard the cold wind say I was a fool to stay, but I did.  I did. I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away. I can't help it, baby, this is who I am.  I can't just turn off how I feel.  And I'm not certain of the way it was.  And I'm not sure what I could have done... I had to stop myself from saying something that I should have never thought.  You're not the one I believe in.  I don't know what I want.  You don't want me all yourself, so let me find someone else.  You don't really love me.  You just keep me hanging on.  And I'll never be good enough.  Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath.  I'm still standing here and you're miles away.  And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart.  It's my heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight.  You said you wanted more, what are you waiting for?  I'm not running from you.  Look in my eyes, you're killing me, killing me.  All I wanted was you.  You're not sure that you love me but you're not sure enough to let me go.  Baby, it ain't fair to just keep me hanging 'round.  It's alright, ya, I'll be fine.  Just take your love and hit the road.  There's nothing you can do or say, you're gonna break my heart anyway...  Everything has changed around here.  I'd tell it to your face, but you lost your face along the way.  And I'd say it on the phone if I thought you were alone.  Why do things have to change?  One of these days, and it won't be long, you'll look for me and I'll be gone.  Do what you want.  I can't feel you anymore.  You can say all these beautiful things, but they mean nothing.  You gotta back it up.  I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore.  How's it gonna be when you see that I'm not there?  It's the silence I can't ignore.  I use to think that someone would come along and lay beside me in the space that they belong, but the other side of the mattress...the box springs they stayed like new.  What's the point of holding onto what never gets used?  All that I wanted was to hold you so close, and I almost believe that this one's not pretend.  We are so close, so close and still so far.  I can feel my heart.  It's fit to burst.  I tried to clean it up.  But it just gets worse.  I wish I could fall, on a night like this, into your loving arms for a moonlight kiss.  I hate to say it hasn't helped me yet.  I thought my problems would just disappear and all my pain would be in yesterday.  I watched my bad habits get flushed away.  I thought that would keep my head on straight and all my pain would be in yesterday.  But it's true, I'm still blue.  But I finally know what to do.  I must quit.  I must quit you.  I can't keep a straight face and say this is not the end.  Cuz this is the end if you want it.  You're not the first thing in my life I've loved and lost.  There are worse things that I might be less inclined to just shrug off.  I am convincing myself that I'm worthwhile because I know that I'm worth what I convince myself to be.  I took the fire escape and made it out.  I still burn from time to time, but I am healing.  It's really over.  You made your stand.  You got me crying.  But when my loneliness is through I'm gonna find another you.  You might have your reasons, but you will never have my rhyme.  I'm going to sing my way away from you.  I'm gonna find another you.  I hope he's nicer too.  So go on baby, make your little get away.  Now I'm going to dress myself for two.  Once for me and once for someone new.  I'm going to do some things you wouldn't let me do.  And I'm gonna find another you.

Here's to hope.

On the Loss of Five Heart-Shaped Ice Cubes

Sometimes at night
I still wonder
Why couldn't this have worked?

And then I remember
all the little failures
And I am glad

There have been
many names
many faces

But they
are not
You.

And the ache that resounds
so deep in my soul
echoes

When reminded,
I remember nothing fills it
but You, Lord.

Sure, there are times,
and places
and seasons

but
it is not
today.

When I stop trying to fill
my heart with things
and people who will never satisfy

and start remembering
You, Lord, only You
can ever fill in

these cracks
and breaks
and old wounds.

Only you
can heal a heart,
can heal a soul.

Then I will see
that the loss of so much,
the loss

of five heart-shaped ice cubes...
though sad,
was never meant to be the end

or anything too great
to be born
but instead

it was just
a new
beginning

Cheez-It's & Prayers

Favorite things of this very moment (9:49 pm EST):

• Watching Brian Regan with Jake, Amber and Amber's hilarious and wonderful family


• Hysterical laughter


• My red snowflake blanket


• Zicam


• Vitamin C


• Dayquil


• Sam freakin' Ballard


• Knowing that in a week I will be in TN at CWS with Sam, Kimmie, Amber, Jake, Cayce, Becca, Dave, Glennis, Jennie and many other wonderful people I love

I am sick. Yep. I've been trying to pretend I'm not since Sunday evening, but I definitely am sick. I am currently waiting for Regina to return with my cheez-it's. She's a beautiful creature that Regina. Spent most of my day laying on the couch watching cartoons and children's movies. I've realized that when I am sick I watch sappy movies or children's movies. It's lovely. Don't you worry though, I did get some homework done, I wrote application letter for a scholarship program I'm trying to get into this fall, wrote some business emails, cleared out my inbox, and wasted huge amounts of time on Facebook.

So...being sick does not equal not being productive. Apparently.

All you lovely prayers, I have a couple requests. Oddly enough, they aren't connected to my coughing like crazy (though, if you'd like to pray for that, please do). I would actually love for you to pray for a girl named Jill from Arkansas. She's been dealing with a lot lately. Her father went through a major surgery and they weren't sure he was going to survey. Thankfully he did, but they won't know all of what is going on until they have the results from the MRI. She seems to be handling it alright.

Please also pray for Sam. The man is an angel. His heart is like the moon, and I want to keep it safe. He is a good man, and I adore him. He is trying real hard to take care of people even when he shouldn't need to. He is just like me. Adore him. Again, please pray for him.

Pray for me too. I don't want to do something stupid or hurt anyone. I just want to take care of everyone, but mostly I want to take care of Sam.

Let's all heal up now, shall we?