(46) Bitter

After you answer a phone to a crying voice
& realize you're hearing a breaking heart...
you start hearing the echo
in your own words
in your own broken soul
I don't want to feel bitter
this was supposed to be something we could work through
you listen & you realize...
this is your heart too
You don't want this broken bitterness
& your heart stuck in a self-destructive repeat
but the pain is still real
these wounds aren't just skin deep

so you comfort the tired voice
at the other end of the line
you pray for their mending heart
you wish them the better ending
the one you never got
because your stories follow these
parallel story lines
& you almost forgot
that a story like this can still have a happy ending

Their's will end better
Their heart is still beating right
& you actually believe it
when you hear yourself saying
it will all be alright

It will all be alright
It will all be alright

(32) Closing Time?

I'm struggling to pull
fact vs. fiction
maybe my heart
really is a little closed down
Am I shutting you out?
Or is it really just this loud
in my head?
I don't mean to spread this anguish
I'm not even sure how
you'd share this pain
maybe all the loss
really has closed me down again
Thank you for the insights
into other peoples' hearts
maybe I can start brand new
& mend my weary heart

(4) Miss Me

I am tired of people

telling me

that they're sure you miss

me

You were his best friend

He always told you things

You cut him off, remember?

Of course, I remember

I remember everything

I know I cut my ties,

but in my defense,

You cut ties first

Once you were my oasis

in a desert

then one day I woke up

dying of thirst

realizing my eyes had

fooled me

You were too good to be true

a mirage in desperate heat

Still I searched

You remember, I hope,

that postcard

of the flying car

that you saw & knew

I'd love

(you always knew

how to make me smile)

It came in the mail

without warning

we hadn't spoken in

months

(not since that proposal--

no one warned me

that was in her cards

not mine)

Then the flying car

Your words were clear

as day

but muddled every

thought

You missed me

You wanted to have one of our long talks

You missed me. 

You. missed. me. 

Me. 

There on a postcard

Plain for every postal worker

who carried it between us

to see

You missed me. 

When you saw me next 

(with her in your stead)

I had barricaded my heart

You hugged me close

told me you were glad

to see me

You'd missed me

I smiled

and tried to keep

the strangled scream

of broken heart &

broken dreams

out of my eyes

We never had the talk

you claimed you wanted

I nearly pulled her out of the house

When she crashed the wrong party

the steady hand of drunks kept me at bay

Do you have any idea

how much the weight

of regret feels on

a heart that never

was brave enough

to speak the whole

of truth?

You asked me once

if I thought you were doing the right thing

Of all the people to ask

You trusted me

And I failed. 

This was wrong

it was going to hurt you

But I stayed my tongue & heart

told you only half

Never once did I give you the truth:

I love you.

Time & distance & walls

marriage & age & life

All the bricks I wish I could

tear down

But it won't change this

You're gone

& I can't believe there's 

even a second

where those words could be true...

that you 

miss

me

Tangible

Tired. So tired.
How can I be so wonderful
when every man goes to someone else's arms
Dear friend, wonderful, lovely
All have kind words
All seek my grace and help
I am sought for hope, for encouragement, advice
but never pursued or loved
You can't hurry love, right?
You just have to wait
So blessed, but still wanting more
My heart longs and breaks for
something tangible to hold

Last Call

Doesn't Mean I'm Lonely
1. Rose's Turn (Glee Cast Version) - Glee Cast
2. Rolling in the Deep - Adele
3. Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - Kelly Clarkson
4. Calling All Skeletons - Alkaline Trio
5. Am I Reaching You Now - Train
6. Oil and Water - Incubus
7. Somebody That I Used to Know - Gotye feat. Kimbra
8. Lose Your Soul - Blue Skies
9. In the Middle of a Mess - Jason Bruce
10. Everybody Knows - John Legend
11. Not Over You - Gavin DeGraw
12. Expo '86 - Death Cab for Cutie
13. Summer is Over - Jon McLaughlin feat. Sara Bareillis
14. Find My Way - The Gabe Dixon Band
15. Say Anything - Good Charlotte
16. Friends, Lovers Or Nothing - John Mayer
17. Good Arms vs. Bad Arms - Frightened Rabbit
18. Nothing to Remember - Neko Case
19. If You Will - Dave McGraw & Mandy Fer

Let Go. Let Go. And Jump In.

"If you smash into something good...you need to hold onto it until it's time to let it go." 

-Marcello, Under the Tuscan Sun

The past few days have made me question a lot of the things I took for granted in the relationships I have: friendships, the guy I'm in love with, my family, etc., etc.  It made me start reevaluating everything.

For instance, when the man you love decides he's going to marry someone else, you cry a lot, but then you recognize that you are honorable and courageous.  You start looking at your choices and realizing that you need to guard your heart a little better and that you won't get in the way of his new life.  Perhaps this does break your heart every day, and perhaps you find yourself perpetually confused trying to figure out what to do with yourself now.

Soon though you realize that you really are something beautiful.  Maybe you will have to remind yourself of that on a regular basis, but I will remember.

Maybe the key is in that quote.  Maybe I smashed into something truly amazing, and I stuck with him as long as time will allow...  Maybe it's time to let go.

Maybe.

But Sometimes It Hurts Instead

Favorite Things about this Very Moment (11:46 am CST):

• Starbucks Vanilla Doubleshot Energy
• "You've got this" texts from Kimmie (do you know how much I love you, Kim?  Honestly, I do.)
• The Wreckers singing me their perfect blend of sassy and heartbroken country
• Adele (Oh Adele, 21 IS my heart)
• Knowing it's not just me that feels super awkward about the engagement announcement from this week
• Sunshine outside
• Getting paid to hang out in Baskets and talk to the wonderful people that come into Conover and my shop
• Knowing I'll be getting paid twice this week.  Party & bonus
• The immense kindness & love from amazing people like Nikky, Kimmie, Amber, Regina, Hilary, Heather, & Jay
• Jordan Durham, an altogether hilarious experience
• Having next weekend's Refuge trip to look forward to

This week has been a lot of things, and I feel like me being sick was a strange sort of blessing.  It allowed me to be home when I found out the boy I have been in love with since I the night I met him wearing that ridiculous Han Solo costume that no one but me seemed to recognize was engaged.  But it is more than that, he's engaged to someone who makes me nervous down to my very soul.  It has been a rough week.

Even so, I feel like I am taking all of this better than any of us could have imagined.  This may, in part, be due to the fact that I've been living with the feeling like this day would come for the past...oh...4 or so months.  I really thought he'd propose at Christmas or New Year's.  I forgot about Valentine's Day.  How odd to forget it...hmmm...

I've gotten everything that reminds me of him packed away and out of site.  Mixes, pictures, the bracelet he made me, speed dial... He's hidden, but he's not forgotten.  It finally really started to hit yesterday while I was at work by myself typing.  I had been able to find a way to distract myself every moment until then, and suddenly I had to face that this was real. 

I am never going to get greeted by him smiling right after he's gotten up, never going to be the person he wants with him to run errands in the middle of the night, never going to lay next to him watching cartoons, never going to be the person that makes him light up when I walk into a room...it is apparently not in the cards.

Life alternates between dark and light a lot right now.  I realized I have avoided all things romantic even though I am a romantic through and through and usually I watch a lot of sappy movies at this time of year.  Instead I am reading The Hobbit (which is great, but no romance) and watching things like Sandlot, UHF, and Monsters Inc. This is probably really healthy for me, but one of these days I am thinking this will probably break too.

Mom says maybe I am realizing that this is better for me already, but I don't know if that's it.  Letting go of all of this is letting go of a lot of hope.  I want to do that, but I want to replace it with faith that something better is on the horizon and that God has got other plans.  Sometimes that's hard to comprehend, and, on top of this, I am worried about this decision in how it will truly change his life and the lives of his brother and his fiancee.  I feel guilty for thanking God that I at least won't have to see him at family functions for the rest of my life with this girl that breaks my heart.  He's not even the same guy that I was friends with anymore.  He changed for this girl, but not in good ways. 

Hear ye, hear ye, I shall bestow upon you words from my parents who are always wise in the ways of love and marriage:

"You shall only marry someone who brings out the very best in you, that you also bring out the best in."

He's not doing that.

He is not my heart.  He is not my light.  He is not my life.  I will move on.  I will be stronger.

I will sing "Someone Like You" to myself until I mean it entirely, not just the part of it that says for me it isn't over, but also the part that says I wish nothing but the best...

All the Words that I Wanted to Sing Got Replaced with a Wedding Ring...

He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane. I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind & mercy.  When all of the sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.

David Crowder*Band totally speaks my heart.

Today I am grateful for love like a hurricane that bends but doesn't break me but instead points out to me that I am loved by the Creator of the Universe.  I need His love so desperately today.

There is a great Matthew Mayfield song called "Fire Escape" which I believe I have mentioned in other posts, and the song ends with him saying, "All the words that I wanted to sing got replaced with a wedding ring."  I have had that song playing in the back of my mind for ages and ages now  with the hopes that this wouldn't be my song.  This song wouldn't be always playing in the back of my mind.  Today it finally becomes mine.

by Andre Jordan

All the words that I wanted to sing...they were replaced with an engagement ring.  And God only knows how long they'll be replaced with wedding rings and vows.

"Fire Escape" won't always be my song.  One of these days it will fade and I'll be able to have something else echoing with joy through the back of my mind.  For tonight though, I will let myself mourn the loss of a best friend who chose a path none of us expected, who chose to cut me out of his life virtually every way he could have, and who is now engaged.

R.S.B, my dear friend, my sunshine and heart, I wish you happiness.  I pray that God blesses you, my dear.  That He gives you clarity of mind and heart so that you can make good decisions that will bring you love and bring you closer to Him daily.  If this woman truly brings you closer to God and brings out the best in you and your heart, than I ask that He would bless your relationship as well.  I just want you to be healthy and happy.  You are something good.  Really, you are.  Please never doubt that.  I love you.

And now, I think I will crank some better tunes, try to sleep, and keep my phone off for awhile.  Things will be better in the morning.

A Fool's View from the Fire Escape:

1. Lost Love - Mindy Smith
2. Fire Escape - Matthew Mayfield
3. Kill - Jimmy Eat World
4. What I Know - Parachute
5. I Caught Myself - Paramore
6. You Keep Me Hanging On - The Supremes
7. Make Me Wanna Die - The Pretty Reckless
8. Missing You - Tyler Hilton
9. The Kill - 30 Seconds to Mars
10. Leave the Pieces - The Wreckers
11. Hopeless - Train
12. Your Time is Gonna Come - Led Zeppelin
13. Friends Don't Let Friends Dial Drunk - Plain White T's
14. How's It Gonna Be - Third Eye Blind
15. Your New Twin Sized Bed - Death Cab for Cutie
16. So Close - Jon McLaughlin
17. Moonlight Kiss - Bap Kennedy
18. Coffee & Cigarettes - Michelle Featherstone
19. (If You Want It) - Relient K
20. I'm Gonna Find Another You - John Mayer

It's been a long hot summer and I'm still trying to leave you alone.  I heard the cold wind say I was a fool to stay, but I did.  I did. I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away. I can't help it, baby, this is who I am.  I can't just turn off how I feel.  And I'm not certain of the way it was.  And I'm not sure what I could have done... I had to stop myself from saying something that I should have never thought.  You're not the one I believe in.  I don't know what I want.  You don't want me all yourself, so let me find someone else.  You don't really love me.  You just keep me hanging on.  And I'll never be good enough.  Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath.  I'm still standing here and you're miles away.  And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart.  It's my heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight.  You said you wanted more, what are you waiting for?  I'm not running from you.  Look in my eyes, you're killing me, killing me.  All I wanted was you.  You're not sure that you love me but you're not sure enough to let me go.  Baby, it ain't fair to just keep me hanging 'round.  It's alright, ya, I'll be fine.  Just take your love and hit the road.  There's nothing you can do or say, you're gonna break my heart anyway...  Everything has changed around here.  I'd tell it to your face, but you lost your face along the way.  And I'd say it on the phone if I thought you were alone.  Why do things have to change?  One of these days, and it won't be long, you'll look for me and I'll be gone.  Do what you want.  I can't feel you anymore.  You can say all these beautiful things, but they mean nothing.  You gotta back it up.  I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore.  How's it gonna be when you see that I'm not there?  It's the silence I can't ignore.  I use to think that someone would come along and lay beside me in the space that they belong, but the other side of the mattress...the box springs they stayed like new.  What's the point of holding onto what never gets used?  All that I wanted was to hold you so close, and I almost believe that this one's not pretend.  We are so close, so close and still so far.  I can feel my heart.  It's fit to burst.  I tried to clean it up.  But it just gets worse.  I wish I could fall, on a night like this, into your loving arms for a moonlight kiss.  I hate to say it hasn't helped me yet.  I thought my problems would just disappear and all my pain would be in yesterday.  I watched my bad habits get flushed away.  I thought that would keep my head on straight and all my pain would be in yesterday.  But it's true, I'm still blue.  But I finally know what to do.  I must quit.  I must quit you.  I can't keep a straight face and say this is not the end.  Cuz this is the end if you want it.  You're not the first thing in my life I've loved and lost.  There are worse things that I might be less inclined to just shrug off.  I am convincing myself that I'm worthwhile because I know that I'm worth what I convince myself to be.  I took the fire escape and made it out.  I still burn from time to time, but I am healing.  It's really over.  You made your stand.  You got me crying.  But when my loneliness is through I'm gonna find another you.  You might have your reasons, but you will never have my rhyme.  I'm going to sing my way away from you.  I'm gonna find another you.  I hope he's nicer too.  So go on baby, make your little get away.  Now I'm going to dress myself for two.  Once for me and once for someone new.  I'm going to do some things you wouldn't let me do.  And I'm gonna find another you.

Here's to hope.

The Wind Was Right

If I knew you would show
I could wait forever
but that light in your eyes
makes me think never

The porch is cold
and all the lights are out
you'd think the stars would show
but they're not shining now

So I'm reeling in these hopes and dreams
packing up my wishes and schemes
because you're not coming to meet me
anymore

Change of Heart

Sometimes the darkness really is a terrible thing.  Sometimes it finds you looking through old pictures and seeing yourself a long, long time ago with a boy that you, at the moment they were taken you were certain you would be spending the rest of your life holding onto.  And he thought that too.

But no matter how long you look at this picture, and no matter how happy you both looked in this picture, you know now how that story ends.  The way so many of our stories end.  It ends with a lot of tears, and questions.

Why didn't it last?  Why didn't this love work?  What was wrong with it?  What was wrong with you?  Why couldn't they love you anymore?

And then you realize it just wasn't meant to be.  They weren't supposed to be the center of your universe.

God was.

And the more I look at this, the more I realize this was just one of those beautiful bits of my story.  I bear a lot of scars from the boy in that picture, but I also learned so much about myself because of him.  And as angry as I was for so long at him, it wasn't his fault things didn't work out.  We just were not what the other one needed.  The closer I became to God and the stronger in myself I became, the farther from him I became.

This is good.

Now I know that God is the center of my universe, whatever love I am meant to keep for mine for forever...he will be standing at my side searching for God with me.  We'll be journeying through life together with all the hope and joy and courage we can muster.  Holding each other up and not letting one another fall away.

My deepest wish is that we all find that.  The wonderful, beautiful boy in the picture with me does too.

And Now I Can Be Free

Dear Glawar,

In the past few weeks I have been thinking about you a lot. I know that things between us will never be the way they use to be, but I do need to get a few things out of my system.

I was sitting in my marriage and family counseling class last week, and a strange situation was brought up, and my professor told me that I should really work on getting to the root cause of the problem. What was the issue you might ask? Well, a friend of mine tried to touch the back of my knee. He was teasing me, and I know that, but without even thinking I turned and slapped him so hard that it left the imprint of 3 of my fingers on his arm. Fortunately he just thought this was hilarious and brushed it off and even apologized for startling me. I still feel really bad about it. I should not have reacted that violently. The more I've thought about it, the more I realized that this is partially due to the relationship you and I had.

Do you remember all the times I tried to touch you? I didn't want you to do anything crazy, and I never tried to pressure you into doing anything wrong. All I ever wanted was for you to put your arms around me, to hold my hand, to kiss me. I just wanted to know that you found me desirable in some way. There was never a time in our relationship that I didn't want to be close to you. I wanted to touch you. You had the most beautiful red hair, and you never wanted me to touch it because you were afraid I would mess it up. You had lips that I gladly would have spent all day kissing, but you would barely let me peck you on the lips. You had hands that I could have studied and held for forever, but you could only hold still with me for so long. You had a back that I gladly would have rubbed every knot out of, but you never seemed to feel I was good enough to do that.

I have spent the past 7 years gradually becoming more and more aloof from people physically, and after really thinking about this, I've realized a lot of this comes from the fact that I am terrified of being rejected. I no longer believe anyone could want me to touch them. The repeated rejection from you when you would reject me and then a few minutes later tell me that you couldn't wait till we were married...it didn't add up. How could someone want to marry someone that they never wanted to be physically close to? How could you want me when you never seemed to be interested in showing it? How could you want me when I spent every day being rejected by you?

I don't think you ever realized what you were doing to my heart, and I know there are a lot of reasons for why you did this, but I need to be able to forgive you for the part you played in breaking my heart and causing me to lose faith in my abilities and desirability.

Do you know how hard it is to believe that someone could ever want me to touch them or love them when in the back of my head I can only hear your rejections? I still remember the first and only time you ever thoroughly let me kiss you. We were standing in the darkness of your driveway and you'd walked me to my car, and I remember staring up at the stars for a long time with you. I remember thinking that those millions of stars couldn't compare the the beauty of the man I loved, and you kissed me. It was beautiful and passionate and I wanted it to be every moment for the rest of our lives together like this, but instead it ended up being the only time you ever let me kiss you like that. I remember you ended the kiss, and while I was thrilled and hungry for more, you told me that it wasn't a good kiss. You NEVER let me kiss you again. From that moment on I barely got a real kiss out of you. Do you realize the remaining 8 months of our relationship had barely any passion to them?

I told myself time after time after time that you really did want me. That this would change after we were married.

And I believed it. I believed in you. I believed in your crazy plans and I believed that you really did want to marry me. I believed that shortly after we graduated that you would propose, and that as soon as we could after that, you would marry me. I believed that when we were married, you would let me kiss you all the time. Not those passionless kisses, but real fiery kisses. Kisses that would turn my insides out. I believed that after we got married I'd get to touch you because at that point you'd want me to. I let myself believe that you were just trying to protect my purity and your own.

How could I have been so blind? How on earth could I have let you reject me all that time and never catch the obvious fact that you didn't love me at all? I might as well have been dating a love song. You were all words and flowery statements, but you weren't a real person.

And you let me apologize for everything. You made me feel guilty for loving you. For wanting you. You made me feel guilty when I was trying to do nice things for you like write you love notes. You wouldn't even read them, and then you'd act like it was silly for me to waste my time writing these things to you because clearly you already knew anything I was going to say. Why on earth did I need to repeat myself? And if I ever asked you to do anything...like actually show me any kind of love at all...this was my own issue. You didn't need me to show my love, so why on earth should I need it?

Or how about all the times you flirted with other girls? You were always flirting with someone else, and if I ever questioned it or told you it made me feel uncomfortable and jealous you would tell me I was being silly because you were going to marry me. Why should I feel jealous when obviously you loved me? And I believed it.

It's been almost 7 years since we broke up, and I still bear scars from every rejection, lie, and excuse you ever gave me.

I'm sorry it's taken me all these years to just say this, but darling, I still love you. I will never let you have my heart again, but I do love you. I still see good in you that I think you forget exists, and I do forgive you for this. I think all that I've been through, and all that I went through with you, it's made me a far stronger person. It's also made me a lot more understanding and helpful for other people who have been through painful relationships like ours.

If I ever hurt you, I am truly sorry for this. I'm sorry that I wasn't what you needed, and I'm sorry that I assumed you were who I was meant to love. I hope someday we both find what we really need, and that God heals our hearts.

Love you always & forever,
Minas

Why, O Death, Do You Take the Young?

Dear God,

Right now I'm feeling brokenhearted. I'm struggling to understand why yet another one of the kids I watched grow up has died.

I remember Michael in youth group. I remember he drove me crazy, but I knew he had a good heart. He just wanted to be loved. We all want that. I remember hoping that he'd get along with the other kids because I knew that if he could make friends with the kids in the youth group that he would be set for life. Sure, we're all messy and screwed up, but the kids from the youth group tend to hold together and build each other up for all of their lives.

Lord, did He remember You? Did we fail him?

Right now all I can think is how young he was. He was only 19, and this happens two weeks before Christmas. Why?

Why did this happen? I don't believe You caused this to happen or that this was some sort of punishment. I think bad things happen because we live in a world that is fallen and messed up. I don't think Michael Ebens should have died. He was just a kid. Just a year older than Forrest. That scares me. All these kids I love, Lord...why do so many people have to die?

I hate crying, You know this. I hate that this has happened, and I don't know who to call? I hate that I can't be home for the funeral or the visitation because of finals and all of this. I hate that I'm already feeling guilty because of this.

And what I hate most is that I feel like I should have been spending time with this kid. I hadn't seen him in ages, and now I will never see him again. Should I have said something more the last time I saw him? Was there something else to be said? Did he know that even when he drove me crazy, I still saw him as a good kid and a kid to be loved? He was one of Your children too, and I loved him for that. I loved that Michael always got excited about things and tried so hard to always have the answer. He was a smart kid, Lord.

Why?

This just breaks my heart today.

Lord, please take care of Michael's family and his friends. The kids he went to school with, the kids in our youth group, all of us who helped teach...we're in shock. We don't understand, and I know we might not ever get an explanation, but please, God...help us. We are hurting and breaking because someone else has been taken from us. Heal our shattered hearts. Make us whole again, Lord so that we can help heal others.

And Lord, please help us to find good, even in the sadness. Help us to hold tight to You, and please, please, please, use even this darkness to create new light.

Thanks for listening, Lord.

Love,
J

And We Rebuild the Walls

Tonight I feel inside out.
Like time stood still
and my life ran out
I'm not bleeding
But something's just not right
All I can do is sing along
"I'm sh-sh-shakin'"
Because it seems to be the truth

The irony is,
I was trying to protect myself from you
Too good to be true
Always too good to be true
But I was going to throw caution to the wind
I was going to be brave
Things were going to change

How can a girl resist such obvious honesty?
The transparency of your answers
the kindness in your eyes
the intensity of your passion
and the strength of your heart?
At least I couldn't

Maybe I'll adopt a different kind of bravery
The quiet kind that no one needs to know
I'll put on a kind face
I'll use my good hands
Make your life better so you can find a place to stand
Maybe I'll break your heart with my goodness

Perhaps I'll just break mine

And though I was coming out of my shell
Thinking I'd explore the world with my new eyes
I'm beginning to think I'll just take a new path
A quiet one
Pretend I never had such wild, happy aspirations
And forget the dreams I saw in front of my eyes
each and every time they closed

The gates were open
Change had come
But no.

And we rebuild the walls.

I found a tiny cross
Just the other night
At the bottom of a bag
That had yet to see the light

I clutched it to me tightly
And I laughed with pain and glee
I’d forgotten just how much
That tiny cross had meant to me

I remember the day you found it
I remember your delight
It was when your eyes still shown
With some beautiful semblance of light

Combing through row and rows
Tiny beads, bones and bows

Then at last you’d found the one
That tiny missing piece
You couldn’t believe your luck
Your soul had found release

It was just a tiny cross
In the middle of the jumble
But the way you smiled crooked
My heart couldn’t help but tumble

Because at that very moment
In the middle of our life
I knew I could spend the rest happily
If I could be your wife

With so much care and joy
For such a tiny cross
I just knew your faith in God above
Would never be a loss

That’s why finding this meant so much
This cross and I find ourselves
A common place:
Upon the unlooked at shelves

Of a heart
Once thought so true
I should have recognized
The faithless heart in you

Yellow Light

I just don't want to fall into an old pattern.

I am a large and glorious glass of sun tea and ice while you sit on the porch at sunset. I am Pablo Neruda's poetry filled with passion, blood, and light. I am a room lit with candles and the amber glow of lamps not florescent. I am your favorite jeans that always make you look good and feel so comfortable.

But am I seen like that?

Let it cool or let it burn. It makes no difference to me anymore.

Am I strong enough?

Where do people find the strength to change their lives? Where do I find mine?

ps. Yellow Light mix:
1. Change Your Mind - The Killers
2. Arch Drive Goodbye - Eve6
3. Bad News - Kanye West
4. Walk on By - Seal (this is the acoustic version of the song)
5. Messenger Bird Song - Bright Eyes
6. Sweetly Broken - Jeremy Riddle (Thank you, Nathan)
7. Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron & White
8. Uncomfortably Slow - Newton Faulkner (I'm really falling in love with this man's beautiful songs)
9. Apologize - OneRepublic
10. Free Fallin' - John Mayer (he's wonderful, and does a great job with this cover)
11. I'll Be OK - Sondre Lerche
12. Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime - Beck (Amber's favorite)
13. Better that We Break - Maroon 5
14. Somebody to Love - Queen (seriously.)
15. Here Comes the... - Butch Walker feat. Pink
16. If I am a Stranger - Ryan Adams & the Cardinals (this song amazes me)
17. I Need Words - David Crowder
18. Bella's Lullaby - Carter Burwell (because you need to end with hope. always.)