10

Zuni,

Today, the sun is glittering gold, work is going smoothly, someone handed me good caffeine (twice so far), and in a few short hours I'll be off for the weekend. Other than an extremely annoying intercom announcer talking in the background of this break I'm trying to take, the day is going well. 

I got a part in a play last night. I'm playing a character named Julie who is dating a guy nearly 20 years older than she is, and her parents are being played by my parents, which I think is hilarious. I'll be living and breathing this play till the second half of June. I just started reading the play a little while ago, and I think I'm going to enjoy it. Plus, I really just need to be out of the house more. The only place I ever seem to be these days is at work, so maybe this will broaden my horizons a little. 

You'll love this, I'm trying online dating. It started as a dare combined with a joke which was extended into a challenge. I've been on the site for about two months. I met the challenge, but stuck around. Most of what I'm encountering are super sexually aggressive guys who seem to be under the faulty assumption that because I'm on this site I really just am dying to have someone tacklessly hit on me and ask to sleep with me and then tell me I'm being a coward or a prude for not wanting to sleep with them or a "disrespectful bitch" when I tell them  I don't appreciate the verbal sexual assault. 

I keep blocking and deleting guys. I doubt that anything will come from this,  but I can't think of a better way to meet anyone at this point since I don't go to bars or clubs and I live in a small town and none of my single guy friends within the church have any interest in me. Im not saying that to sound bitter or pathetic, but just to state the facts. This is fine. I keep running The Lightning Speech from Meet Joe Black in my head "you never know lightning may strike."

I could really have used your advice last weekend. I ran across the single most attractive man I've ever seen that's not fictional or a celebrity. I may have made a complete fool of myself, but I did tell him I was interested. He's a photographer and he has a cat and has the most captivating eyes I've seen in years. I doubt, very much, that he'll reciprocate my interest, but I tried. No regrets, right?

I have to go back to work soon. I wish I didn't, but my crew tonight should be a good one. They know their jobs, and that'll make mine much easier. I just...

I just wish that when I got off work tonight I could meet you at the house and we could sit on the front porch. I could really use a good, long, soul-baring front porch talk. Instead, I'll go home tonight and probably do my best not to say a lot of words about what's rustling around in my chest and maybe drink a little. 

It's been ten years, Zuni. I guess I'm doing alright, but there's so much I'd love to be able to tell you. For crying out loud, Ghostbusters 2 comes out this summer. I just miss you, Jake. I really do. 

Love,

Ms. Cheatwood 

To Charlie!

In the wake of this loss, a few words:

I can't claim that I was close to Charlie. After working with him for a year, I'm not totally sure he ever learned my name (let's be fair, it's hard for people at times), but I can tell you this: he was a great guy. Everyone liked him. He was sweet, funny, and loved to tease the staff. He will be missed. 

To Charlie!

May the next life bring you good lungs, good bacon at every breakfast and a glass of brandy with every lunch!

(14) Hand Please

Somedays it's hard to formulate words
Maybe things ran smoothly
but you run into the wall

The phone rings
unexpected things
bad news & you fall

Even when you know
it's slipping
you never know
the time

Sometimes we don't
get to say
our goodbyes

Tears are not my favorite
but sometimes they need to fall
I'm only human
suffering backlash from the Fall

Thankful for the bright light
& the party up ahead
knowing deaths a pause
but not the end

I don't have a lot
of answers
but I'll give you
my hand
I'll stand beside you
to through this
& to the end

So darkness hovers over
this weary night
but we still have stars
to guide us
even through this
our darkest night

The Wind Was Right

If I knew you would show
I could wait forever
but that light in your eyes
makes me think never

The porch is cold
and all the lights are out
you'd think the stars would show
but they're not shining now

So I'm reeling in these hopes and dreams
packing up my wishes and schemes
because you're not coming to meet me
anymore

And Now I Can Be Free

Dear Glawar,

In the past few weeks I have been thinking about you a lot. I know that things between us will never be the way they use to be, but I do need to get a few things out of my system.

I was sitting in my marriage and family counseling class last week, and a strange situation was brought up, and my professor told me that I should really work on getting to the root cause of the problem. What was the issue you might ask? Well, a friend of mine tried to touch the back of my knee. He was teasing me, and I know that, but without even thinking I turned and slapped him so hard that it left the imprint of 3 of my fingers on his arm. Fortunately he just thought this was hilarious and brushed it off and even apologized for startling me. I still feel really bad about it. I should not have reacted that violently. The more I've thought about it, the more I realized that this is partially due to the relationship you and I had.

Do you remember all the times I tried to touch you? I didn't want you to do anything crazy, and I never tried to pressure you into doing anything wrong. All I ever wanted was for you to put your arms around me, to hold my hand, to kiss me. I just wanted to know that you found me desirable in some way. There was never a time in our relationship that I didn't want to be close to you. I wanted to touch you. You had the most beautiful red hair, and you never wanted me to touch it because you were afraid I would mess it up. You had lips that I gladly would have spent all day kissing, but you would barely let me peck you on the lips. You had hands that I could have studied and held for forever, but you could only hold still with me for so long. You had a back that I gladly would have rubbed every knot out of, but you never seemed to feel I was good enough to do that.

I have spent the past 7 years gradually becoming more and more aloof from people physically, and after really thinking about this, I've realized a lot of this comes from the fact that I am terrified of being rejected. I no longer believe anyone could want me to touch them. The repeated rejection from you when you would reject me and then a few minutes later tell me that you couldn't wait till we were married...it didn't add up. How could someone want to marry someone that they never wanted to be physically close to? How could you want me when you never seemed to be interested in showing it? How could you want me when I spent every day being rejected by you?

I don't think you ever realized what you were doing to my heart, and I know there are a lot of reasons for why you did this, but I need to be able to forgive you for the part you played in breaking my heart and causing me to lose faith in my abilities and desirability.

Do you know how hard it is to believe that someone could ever want me to touch them or love them when in the back of my head I can only hear your rejections? I still remember the first and only time you ever thoroughly let me kiss you. We were standing in the darkness of your driveway and you'd walked me to my car, and I remember staring up at the stars for a long time with you. I remember thinking that those millions of stars couldn't compare the the beauty of the man I loved, and you kissed me. It was beautiful and passionate and I wanted it to be every moment for the rest of our lives together like this, but instead it ended up being the only time you ever let me kiss you like that. I remember you ended the kiss, and while I was thrilled and hungry for more, you told me that it wasn't a good kiss. You NEVER let me kiss you again. From that moment on I barely got a real kiss out of you. Do you realize the remaining 8 months of our relationship had barely any passion to them?

I told myself time after time after time that you really did want me. That this would change after we were married.

And I believed it. I believed in you. I believed in your crazy plans and I believed that you really did want to marry me. I believed that shortly after we graduated that you would propose, and that as soon as we could after that, you would marry me. I believed that when we were married, you would let me kiss you all the time. Not those passionless kisses, but real fiery kisses. Kisses that would turn my insides out. I believed that after we got married I'd get to touch you because at that point you'd want me to. I let myself believe that you were just trying to protect my purity and your own.

How could I have been so blind? How on earth could I have let you reject me all that time and never catch the obvious fact that you didn't love me at all? I might as well have been dating a love song. You were all words and flowery statements, but you weren't a real person.

And you let me apologize for everything. You made me feel guilty for loving you. For wanting you. You made me feel guilty when I was trying to do nice things for you like write you love notes. You wouldn't even read them, and then you'd act like it was silly for me to waste my time writing these things to you because clearly you already knew anything I was going to say. Why on earth did I need to repeat myself? And if I ever asked you to do anything...like actually show me any kind of love at all...this was my own issue. You didn't need me to show my love, so why on earth should I need it?

Or how about all the times you flirted with other girls? You were always flirting with someone else, and if I ever questioned it or told you it made me feel uncomfortable and jealous you would tell me I was being silly because you were going to marry me. Why should I feel jealous when obviously you loved me? And I believed it.

It's been almost 7 years since we broke up, and I still bear scars from every rejection, lie, and excuse you ever gave me.

I'm sorry it's taken me all these years to just say this, but darling, I still love you. I will never let you have my heart again, but I do love you. I still see good in you that I think you forget exists, and I do forgive you for this. I think all that I've been through, and all that I went through with you, it's made me a far stronger person. It's also made me a lot more understanding and helpful for other people who have been through painful relationships like ours.

If I ever hurt you, I am truly sorry for this. I'm sorry that I wasn't what you needed, and I'm sorry that I assumed you were who I was meant to love. I hope someday we both find what we really need, and that God heals our hearts.

Love you always & forever,
Minas

Goodbye, Kable.

Dear Kable,

I would say, but I know this letter simply confirms our goodbye. I know you don't want me anymore and that this is the end of relationship, but I still feel I have a few things to say.

First, I'd like to thank you for the years we had together. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be able to type at speeds that make my friends and family twitch at times. I wouldn't be able to type numbers at all, and I wouldn't know that towns like King of Prussia or names like Szilassy exist. I also wouldn't know that there are roughly a million different spellings for the name "Ashley." And, of course, I wouldn't realize the large variety of magazines that exist in the universe. My favorite it still Window Fashions. Few things have made me happier than that magazine and all it implies.

You were also the one that helped force Zuni and I together. You inspired so many terrible mix cds, story ideas, long discussions, and overtime. You caused me to fall in love with post-it notes and to have a constant need to have hand-sanitizer nearby. Because of you, I made friends with some improbable people, listened to quite a few great audiobooks (and a pathetic one or two), fall in love with a great number of bands and begin to deeply study lyrics.

Of course, there were bad things too: the unkept promise of overtime, the crushed dream of having something steady and stable for as long as I needed, the extensive number of pornographic magazines that come through your doors, the multiple desk moves, and the never ending dust. Then of course you also forced me to share my desk with a few different temps who all thought they had a right to reorganize my desk, and then there was, of course, the stapler thief who was smart enough to return my stapler after I wrote them a carefully worded note... Sometimes the office really was like something out of "Office Space."

Kable, what I'm trying to say is, I would have gladly stayed with you forever. I enjoyed being there with you more than I can say. I always found my time with you to be satisfying, and I've been struggling with letting go. Now I've come to realize that it's too late to come to terms with this. The end had been coming for so long, and I'd been watching it creep towards me. I guess being kicked out last night just threw me off and caused me to realize that this really was happening to me.

And now I'm on my own and looking all over again. I think you really messed up this time, Kable, but that's not my call I guess. I hope, as pathetic as this may sound, that you really regret losing me as time goes on. I hope you realize that I was incredibly helpful and important to you, and mostly, I hope you struggle to move on without me. That would only make this fair.

Don't worry about me. I'm going to make it just fine. I have plans, and I'm already working to fulfill them. Maybe I'll look back on this and smile in a few years because this may be just what I needed to push me to grow into the woman I need to be. Maybe then I'll be able to thank you, but I guess only time will tell.

So this is it. Goodbye, Kable. I'll miss you.

Love,
Jaymin

Eulogy

I'll end this post with my favorites list. A little cheer might be needed. Eulogy

I have to admit I don't know what to say. I wish I was more eloquent. I wish I was somewhat better at saying how I really feel, but I'll try.

Yesterday morning, as I sat on the ottoman in front of my beautiful orange overstuffed armchair, I found myself wondering how exactly you let go of someone you love. It's not the first time I've asked myself this question, and sadly, I know it won't be the last. I'm not sure I'll ever know the answer to this question, but I'll keep trying.

In the chair, laying on top of a pair of blankets and a set of towels, wrapped in a third, was Cally. My beautiful 15 year old cat. Her once clear green eyes cloudy from cataracts she's had to deal with for the past year or two, her body so thin I could feel each vertebrae down her spine and could, with minimal effort, count her ribs...

When I woke up yesterday morning, I knew my life would be changing, and this time not for the better. I knew I was waking up to say goodbye to a beloved member of my family. Cally was dying.

I have had pets die in the past, but none of them has been like Cally.

Cally was something special. Cally use to always know exactly when she was needed. If I was having a bad day, was hurt or upset or angry, she always would show up. I have no idea how she always managed to do this, but she would always choose the moment when I didn't think I could deal with it any longer to show up. She would then rub up against my leg or arm. She'd curl up on my lap or next to me and purr. Few things in the world are more soothing than a purring cat. She'd stay with me until I had calmed myself down.

Cally also was incredibly well behaved. Where Mira will steal my yarn while I'm working on something, Cally would just curl up on my lap or next to me and watch. She learned that she could play with the yarn as long as she didn't slobber on it (something I'm still trying to teach Mira, gross). She, after training early on, never jumped on the table.

Cally loved to eat cinnamon toast. She also like pound cake. She once ate part of a grape sucker which was totally bizarre. I shared powdered sugar donuts with her occasionally, and she loved to lick the top layer of Nilla Wafers off (yes, they do have layers). Occasionally she'd drink my tea or water (mind you, I wouldn't after that...sheesh). She loved to lick the ice off windows or the condensation off cups. What I really never understood was why she drank out of faucets. She hated the bathtub, but she'd drink out of the bath faucet or the bathroom sink.

I use to love when she'd sit with me while I was using sidewalk chalk. The colors would rub off on her feet and fur, and she'd leave green and pink footprints up the sidewalk and on the carpet of the front porch.

She use to love it when I'd rub her tummy. She rarely let anyone else rub her tummy, but I always could. Usually by the end though we were wrestling. She'd be kicking at my hands and I'd be teasing her.

Cally, as most cats do, really loved catnip. Once while on a trip I bought her this tin of fake mice called "Three Blind Mice." It came with 3 little fake mice that were furry and were stored in this tin of dried catnip. Cal always came running when she heard someone opening the tin. She was also the kind of cat that would roll around and enjoy the catnip, but she would never get grouchy. Just ridiculous. Kept me entertained every time.

Cally was my baby. I was the only one who could pick her up any time. I was the only one who could hold her on her back. She didn't like it when most people picked her up, but all I had to do was pick her up and she'd be purring.

She was a wonderful, beautiful, silly cat. I loved her very much, and I will miss her.

A lot.

So...goodbye, Cal. You were the best. A good girl, always. I love you.

Favorite things of this very moment (11:43 am CST, because I think we need some cheer now):

• Cinnamon Rum Pecan coffee
• Kindness of friends (Linda, Mom's boss at Dynamic got us stuff from the coffee shop because she felt bad about us losing Cal....far above and beyond the call of duty, and totally unexpected...she's a great lady)
• Having a game night to look forward to on Saturday
• Great old pictures
• Plants vs. Zombies (Nik, we have it. Joel bought it yesterday, so you'll have to put it on your laptop next time you're here...seriously...it's the perfect mind numbing activity for a bad day...I was up late playing it last night...helped a lot)
• Ellipses... *winks*
• Fall sunshine
• Dave Barry (everyone needs something to laugh with)