Miles of Night

My heart spans the miles tonight
heat rises off the pavement
drinking in the humidity
I find myself missing
every hot Georgia day...

The crickets and locust join
in the chorus
singing songs of heat and long summer nights
the farm still overlooking the ponds and the trees
knowing Grandpa's farm breakfast lay in wait

Or the stars twinkling
pulling me towards
a summer love spent
kissing on my front porch
and watching the stars twinkle

Or maybe July nights spent
singing and laughing and falling in love
with each new friend

But the truth and time find me
in the space between
two fans, my heart, and you

The future is still a MadLib
I see you smiling as we begin
to fill in the blanks

Are We Done?

I miss this.  I miss him.  I miss this version of him.  My version of him.  The one that is one of my closest friends.

On the other hand, I still don't understand why I am making a face that looks that stupid.  Ha.

Life is strange and interesting.  I always find it interesting that texting can make someone seem right their with you and also a million miles away at the same time.  Because of the texting it seems like Sam and I are back where we started.  Talking every day.  The difference is that I can tell he is holding back and that I am no longer a main focus in his life.  I miss this.

It's time to grow I guess.

Death, Life, Boys, Wonderment & Stuff

(Sam playing djembe and Jordan playing his gee-tar, yep. Oh, and Jake's arm and part of his face)

Favorite things of this moment (12:21 am EST):

• Amber singing along with the mix she's working on
• Coffee (even though drinking coffee after midnight when you have 2 finals and a sermon to deal with in the morning and should be sleeping is a terrible idea)
• Jordan's Christmas gift (it's keeping me entertained...oh yes)
• Crayons (they're a thing of beauty and a joy forever...at least for me, I really hope that never changes)
• Knowing that my last sermon will be delivered today and then I don't have to think about it anymore...
• The mix I'm working on...ha
• Knowing I get to babysit for Caleb on Thursday morning! Hooray small amounts of Christmas present buying money! Again, hooray!
• Nikky & Amber & Jordan & Jake & Regina

My last post was obviously a bit more depressing than I really try for normally. I'm sorry about that, but I was super upset. I'd just found out about Michael and I needed a good place to express that. I've realized I'm fairly terrible on the phone, and really all I wanted to do was cry and cry and cry. And that's what I did. I wrote that post and I talked to God and cried.

I don't know if the crying is completely gone, but it's stopped for now, and that's a good start at the very least.

Now if I could just convince my spastic brain to shut up about everything else in my life. Jordan, Nikky, and I have come up with some great plans for getting a couple of my issues out of the way. Burning down whole states, tequila as truth serum, truth serum as truth serum, and then Amber made cake.

The last part of that last sentence really didn't fit, but I'm leaving it.

I've decided to throw out the past month. Not entirely because a lot of it was good, but the insanity and pointless attachment I formed for someone who I'm not even sure is the person I have thought they might just be...

Let's say that differently: God and I had another talk the other day. I gave Him this situation with Sam and with everything connected to him because clearly I have no hand in this. I said the one thing I was hoping would help him see that he's asking to have his heart broken and to hurt someone, but it apparently did nothing at all to him. Outside of maybe make our friendship a little weirder than it already is. I mean, who meets someone and within a week has had them become one of their favorite people and closest friends. I think there's something wrong with my brain. Not my heart though, I think my heart has good intentions and high hopes for most people it meets. Sadly, sometimes my heart is freaking insane. Or at least it gets so excited and carried away when it finally finds someone it can talk to that it assumes things. And we all know what happens when we ASSume. *sigh*

Ha.

I have no idea where life is going at this point, but I'm hoping that when I go home for Christmas (which is happening on SATURDAY!) that it'll give me perspective. The past few days have already helped me recognize a few things, and I think God just needed to hit me upside the head again. This happens so very often. So, so, so very often. I swear to you if God wasn't a part of my every day existence I would go crazy because I wouldn't have anything to hold on to for hope and to keep me believe that things will work out in the end even if I don't have a clue how and can only hope they'll work out well.

And they WILL work out well. I just don't know how yet. But God does, so we're alright.

Night, my friends. May your day be filled with good luck, good things, good dreams and laughter. Mine looks like it's going to be filled with laundry, finals, a sermon, sleep deprivation, lots of coffee, and a good bit of insanity, but I think I can handle that. God's with me and I have wonderful friends to see me through.

Love to you all, J

A Lot of Words I was Desperately Needing to Hear

I initially thought to myself: I want to title this post as "I'm Mad as Hell and I'm Not Going to Take it Anymore!" but then I thought...that really doesn't apply to what I want to say.

I'm not really sure all of what I want to say, but I can say this: He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo is like a smack upside the head tonight. The movie was excellent, but the other day I realized Amber had a copy of this fantastical book, and as she's disappeared on me for the weekend, I decided to commandeer the book and read it. I don't think I'll regret this.

In fact, with any luck, I'll actually think before I act. Miraculously, the first thing they try to impress on their readers is that if a guy likes you, he'll find a way to get to you. He'll do whatever it takes to call or get to know you. I already know this. I've learned this over the years. The guy needs to make the first move. Maybe you meet them somewhere and you really like them, but until they ask for your number or ask you out or find a way to get in touch with you...there's no point.

Don't get me wrong, I've heavily advocated making the first move over the years. For crying out loud, I've been the one making the first move for years. I meant no disrespect and I certainly didn't mean to throw off the groove of the guy I liked, but I also am not good at sitting around and waiting for a guy to pursue me. The thing I've learned though is that if I make the first move, the relationship never really works. Something always falls apart. Part of that is probably the fact that I never felt desired, but it also seemed like the guy was even less likely to do anything. He seemed almost lazy about everything between us.

I deserve better than that.

So do you.

I just finished reading Chapter 3 "he's just not that into you if he's not dating you: 'Hanging out' is not dating," and it really hits home. This sums up...everything. I can't deny that I like having guy friends. They're great, and I don't want to change that, but this chapter also pointed out that it's not worth waiting forever for a guy that says you're his "best friend."

This is when it hit me: I am the rule. Dang.

I realized that I've grown up with the belief that I am exactly like my mom. That my fairy tale relationship would probably be born under the same circumstances. That I would be some guy's "best friend" and that I'd spend all my time with him and he'd probably date other girls and confide in me, and then suddenly --like lightning!-- he'd realize I was the only one for him. This is what happened to my parents. They dated for a week, broke up, were best friends for about a year, and then my dad suddenly realized that he couldn't handle the idea of being apart from my mom. They were married 4 months later.

My mom was the exception. I on the other hand...I am the rule.

Dang.

Again, I'm not going to stop being friends with guys, but I am going to try to stop allowing myself this crazed fantasy that if I just hang around long enough that a guy will change his mind about me. It doesn't work that way. If a guy actually wanted me, he'd pursue me.

I have to believe I'm worth that though. That I am valuable and worthy of love and, just as important, that I am desirable. The last one will be the hardest for me to really wrap my head around, but I think if I could do that...I could actually do this waiting thing.

I am worth it. I am serious business, and someday soon someone else will realize that, and then I'll be glad I didn't waste my time with the rest of these jokers.

Just so you know, you're gorgeous and worth it too. Someone out there is madly in love with you, and you'll know it when they find you. I will too.

And We Rebuild the Walls

Tonight I feel inside out.
Like time stood still
and my life ran out
I'm not bleeding
But something's just not right
All I can do is sing along
"I'm sh-sh-shakin'"
Because it seems to be the truth

The irony is,
I was trying to protect myself from you
Too good to be true
Always too good to be true
But I was going to throw caution to the wind
I was going to be brave
Things were going to change

How can a girl resist such obvious honesty?
The transparency of your answers
the kindness in your eyes
the intensity of your passion
and the strength of your heart?
At least I couldn't

Maybe I'll adopt a different kind of bravery
The quiet kind that no one needs to know
I'll put on a kind face
I'll use my good hands
Make your life better so you can find a place to stand
Maybe I'll break your heart with my goodness

Perhaps I'll just break mine

And though I was coming out of my shell
Thinking I'd explore the world with my new eyes
I'm beginning to think I'll just take a new path
A quiet one
Pretend I never had such wild, happy aspirations
And forget the dreams I saw in front of my eyes
each and every time they closed

The gates were open
Change had come
But no.

And we rebuild the walls.

One Way Sign

Favorite things of this very moment (5:58 pm CST):

• Iced sun tea
• The fan blowing on my back
• Headbands
• Knowing my friend Noel and I will be planning to get together again very soon
• Having my deposit check for my apartment ready to send out tomorrow
• Having my classes officially picked
• Having my payment plan worked out and sent off to be approved
• Sunshine
• My glasses (even if I do have a red line on the side of my nose)

Today has been good and a little bizarre. Worked this morning and got a lot done. Of course, little, if any, of it was really what I intended to work on today. Not a big deal though. This just means that I won't be out of work early any time soon, and that is very good news. I also made the decision today that I will be taking advantage of over time when it is available starting either tomorrow or Thursday (depending on how busy the office is). This will give me some extra and much needed cash. Much of which will probably go directly to college tuition.

I did get my classes picked out, my deposit stamped and ready to go into the mail tomorrow, and my payment plan worked out. I sent the payment plan in to have that approved. Hopefully they will get back to me in the next day or two and tell me that's all set up.

Then I also got to see an old friend, Noel, today. It was just lovely to sit and drink coffee with an old friend and hear about her kids and her life. I miss just listening to other people's stories. Plus spending time with other people always leads to the creation of more stories, and what's not to love about this. The best thing though today: talking to Noel was just as easy as it always has been. She's just as nice and funny as she was when we were growing up. And she understood my crazy decision to follow where the tug in my heart is telling me to go (Atlanta). I don't hear that nearly often enough, so it was a comfort.

Today has been lovely. Just another bit of confirmation that I'm headed in the right direction.

Coming to a Close

(about artwork by Nikky. The wind is rising...)

Favorite things of this very moment (11:01am CST):

• Good memories
• iTunes shuffle
• Realizing how many beautiful songs I didn't even know I had
• Flutes (that's something I never thought I'd say)
• Scratch paper and the pen closest to me
• Grey tanktops & sweaters

Today is the day you look back on the year gone by and wonder what it all meant.

On Tuesday night, my dear friend Heather reminded me that God is in control. She said it's important to remember that we just can't see all the good that comes from what we do. She agreed with me that there must be a reason I'm still where I am. This doesn't mean that things aren't going to keep changing and that I won't be moving some day soon (it will happen come the fall if not sooner), but it does mean that there is a purpose for this.

Do you ever wonder in what ways you're truly affecting the lives of others? Do you wonder if you've had an impact for the good of their hearts and lives? I do. All the time.

And I've been thinking back on this year, the good and bad. This past year has brought little ones into my life that I'm grateful for: Xavier, Aria, baby Kayla, and Carter. Babies that I will happily watch grow and adore for the rest of their lives.

I've also watched my plans shift, phase, change and break repeatedly. I've come to dread answering questions or telling people my plans because it worries me that I'm jinxing them in doing that.

Life is temporary and transient. My plans are apt to change and bound to because I'm clearly, and repeatedly, screwing them up. One of my favorite verses, Proverbs 16:9, pretty much sums this up: "The human mind plans the way, but the LORD directs the steps." I need to try and make sure that my plans are going through God's filter and approval. Otherwise I'll never make it anywhere.

Life is lessons learned and movement.

I may not know exactly where I am going, but I'll keep trying my best. I'll apply for jobs, save money, try to plan (but try not to stress out if they don't all work the way I think they should), make baby blankets, learn new skills, read new books, and do my best to live and laugh and love. There's not enought time to do anything else really.

Let's head into 2010 with our heads held high, our hearts on our sleeves, and honesty on our lips. No regrets. Let's aim for that.

May your's be blessed.

With all my love, J

ps. A mix for the new year (Reckless):

1. Understand - Jeremy Camp
2. Pre-Ex-Girlfriend - Five Iron Frenzy
3. All My Loving - Jim Sturgess
4. Hang me Up to Dry - Cold War Kids
5. String of Pearls - Jimmie's Chicken Shack
6. Badfish - Sublime
7. Baby's Got Sauce - G. Love & Special Sauce
8. Authority Song - Jimmy Eat World
9. Via Chicago - Wilco
10. Warsaw Pact Yard Sale - Accost
11. Protect me from What I Want - Placebo
12. War of my Life - John Mayer
13. The Rain Song - The Dreamer & the Sleeper
14. Prayer for the Dying - Seal
15. Used to the Pain - Keith Urban
16. The Way I Loved You - Taylor Swift
17. We Will Become Silhouettes - The Postal Service
18. While My Guitar Gently Weeps - Martin Luther McCoy

Goodbye, Kable.

Dear Kable,

I would say, but I know this letter simply confirms our goodbye. I know you don't want me anymore and that this is the end of relationship, but I still feel I have a few things to say.

First, I'd like to thank you for the years we had together. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be able to type at speeds that make my friends and family twitch at times. I wouldn't be able to type numbers at all, and I wouldn't know that towns like King of Prussia or names like Szilassy exist. I also wouldn't know that there are roughly a million different spellings for the name "Ashley." And, of course, I wouldn't realize the large variety of magazines that exist in the universe. My favorite it still Window Fashions. Few things have made me happier than that magazine and all it implies.

You were also the one that helped force Zuni and I together. You inspired so many terrible mix cds, story ideas, long discussions, and overtime. You caused me to fall in love with post-it notes and to have a constant need to have hand-sanitizer nearby. Because of you, I made friends with some improbable people, listened to quite a few great audiobooks (and a pathetic one or two), fall in love with a great number of bands and begin to deeply study lyrics.

Of course, there were bad things too: the unkept promise of overtime, the crushed dream of having something steady and stable for as long as I needed, the extensive number of pornographic magazines that come through your doors, the multiple desk moves, and the never ending dust. Then of course you also forced me to share my desk with a few different temps who all thought they had a right to reorganize my desk, and then there was, of course, the stapler thief who was smart enough to return my stapler after I wrote them a carefully worded note... Sometimes the office really was like something out of "Office Space."

Kable, what I'm trying to say is, I would have gladly stayed with you forever. I enjoyed being there with you more than I can say. I always found my time with you to be satisfying, and I've been struggling with letting go. Now I've come to realize that it's too late to come to terms with this. The end had been coming for so long, and I'd been watching it creep towards me. I guess being kicked out last night just threw me off and caused me to realize that this really was happening to me.

And now I'm on my own and looking all over again. I think you really messed up this time, Kable, but that's not my call I guess. I hope, as pathetic as this may sound, that you really regret losing me as time goes on. I hope you realize that I was incredibly helpful and important to you, and mostly, I hope you struggle to move on without me. That would only make this fair.

Don't worry about me. I'm going to make it just fine. I have plans, and I'm already working to fulfill them. Maybe I'll look back on this and smile in a few years because this may be just what I needed to push me to grow into the woman I need to be. Maybe then I'll be able to thank you, but I guess only time will tell.

So this is it. Goodbye, Kable. I'll miss you.

Love,
Jaymin

Sometimes You Haunt Me

I threw out the Zuni hoody today. I can still feel it...even if it is buried in the kitchen trash. It was shredded from being worn almost constantly for 3 years, but it still breaks my heart. He's been gone for 3 years 1 month and 4 days. Yes...I do know that exactly.

I'm healing still. I feel like everything from this should be gone by now, but it's not. Most of the time, I do just fine, but there are still nights and situations where it feels like someone's cut open the scabs and scar tissue that's formed over the wounds.

Time heals a broken heart...

Does it really? Or does it simply ease the ache a bit. Do you ever fully recover from losing the people you love most? I feel like I'm developing a complex of some kind. Maybe I already have.

Do normal people fear losing the people they love this much? I mean, I know most people worry that the people they love will die, but do they have these thoughts as often as I do? Do they feel antsy when their whole family is somewhere without them or when they haven't talked to a close friend in several days? Maybe I really am crazy.

I wonder sometimes about the lonely ache of my thoughts while I'm at work. Sometimes it feels like there's just so much going on in my head and ache in my heart that I worry I'm going to explode. Seriously explode.

It just seems like while I'm at work my brain works overtime. That there's nothing to distract me from my thoughts. I realize it's important to have times of introspection and to "know thyself," but to what extent?

I just seem to run through everything in my head during work. Having between 4 and 6 hours of nothing but typing to do gives a person a lot of room for other thought. I'll admit that I've gotten quite a few problems sorted through during these times, I've come up with some of my best mixes (if not all of them), fleshed out some of my best plans, but still...days like today make me wonder.

Today I sat and typed without any kind of interruption. Jake didn't even have any pointless jokes or the count for how many times people sneezed, and that just left me with time. Maybe too much today. I ran through the fears. My self-doubt. Can I do this? Can I make this work? What if? What if? What if?!

I need to start believing in myself. God is with me, my family loves me, I have wonderful, wonderful friends. I am not alone.

You are not alone.

Let's dwell on that instead of the bad stuff. Let's dwell on the fact that God is bringing warmer weather into the great state of IL and that soon I'll be able to decorate my front sidewalk with pointless drawings of nothing important at all. Let's dwell on the fact that Life is short and beautiful and there is no point in wasting a moment of it thinking of just the negatives or holding on to self-doubt.

We are not alone.

Jaymin in Real Life

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Favorite things of this very moment (12:21 pm CST):

• "Dan in Real Life" & it's soundtrack
• Post-It notes
• That my stomach muscles ache which reminds me that I did the right things this morning and did Pilate's, and if I keep doing this, I might actually have REAL stomach muscles someday or at least a stomach that I'm not totally ashamed of
• Amazon.com
• Knowing my "nephew" Xavier was born yesterday evening and that he's beautiful
• Having new projects to work on
• The sun shining even if it is winter and a wee bit chilly outside
• Contacts which make so many things in life easier
• My cell-phone
• Poetry (specifically if it's about love...even if I'm beginning to doubt the validity of my knowledge concerning that topic in any and all ways...and I mean the topic of love, not necessarily the topic of poetry)

Is it bad to dislike someone you absolutely adore? It comes on suddenly. Sometimes I can't get enough of him...actually I can never get enough of him...that's the problem.

Somewhere in the course of the past few months I allowed a distance to grow between us because I was afraid of my feelings and life and being too attached to someone who can't see you as anything beyond a younger sister. Instead of lessening how I feel for him, it only seemed to make the ache that much deeper. Wider. Like the ocean. Yet smaller, like a snowflake or a grain of sand. My feelings are a paradox.

I'm trying to grasp onto this, to understand it.

He's playing tonight at a church in a nearby town. Normally, he calls by this point on the Saturday he plays to tell me he's playing and see if I want to come. I keep staring at my phone trying to decide if I want to call. Maybe he's not really playing tonight. Maybe he switched weeks with someone.

Or maybe he doesn't want me to come because he'll be meeting her afterwards...

I'm pretty sure that I'm just over-thinking this like I do so many things so often. I seem a wee bit incapable of dealing with rational thought. And I also seem to enjoy the term "a wee bit" a might too much.

I want to someday own a house like the one in "Dan in Real Life." That way I'll be able to have everyone I love comfortably under one roof, and it will be near a beautiful body of water...a lake, the ocean, a gorgeous river. Somewhere beautiful to spend wonderful hours doing nothing but enjoying being with the people I love.

Life is.

Pick a Card

Favorite things of this very moment:

• The above picture. It makes me laugh constantly and I really don't know why. Probably the absolute absurdity of the kids face...good grief
• Mat Kearney
• Sweet Valley brands Orange Soda
• Colored pencils (hey, I love coloring too)
• Graph paper notebooks
• Visual bookshelf of Facebook (still my favorite application EVER)
• Removing people from my friends lists after we've come to a point where we: a) never talk, b) aren't particularly fond of each other, and c) the very mention of their name riles me up...
• Telling people what they need to hear, even if it's hard (I'm actually proud of myself for not chickening out)
• Knowing that within 8 days I'll be done with yet another year of college...thank goodness
• Accents (particularly southern or the kind of western, farm country accent)

So...

I've been running into lots of memories that make me think of Sarah. I realized that the only bad part about FUEL this year will be that she is not by my side. I've gotten use to that being a week we spend a crazy amount of time together, and I've been so proud to introduce my little sister to my friends and get to actually spend quality time getting to know her. She never ceased to amaze me with her generosity, silliness, and absolute zest for life and people. I only hope that when I die I will be remembered with the love and laughter she will be remembered for.

The odd thing is that in the wake of her death I suddenly realized a couple of things about myself. Things that were completely obvious to people around me (I'm sure):

1. That I have completely lost track of myself
2. That I do not believe in myself at all
3. That I have let myself go (*sigh* uuuugh)
4. That I have no life goals and/or ambitions to drive at

What is the deal? I can pinpoint when everything fell apart for me: Jacob Zuniga's death.

What drives me crazy is that I know this is not what my life should be. He would not want me to be like this, and I certainly do not want to remain like this. I just am so uncertain in everything that it is ridiculous.

I've given myself a time-period finally. A clock of sorts. I have decided that I must know what I will do this next year by the end of May. I have to have a plan picked out, decided on, and set in motion by May 31st because if I don't start moving forward like I constantly pretend I am than I am going to be living in my bedroom at my parents house for the rest of my life. I love my folks and they love me, but this situation is unhealthy to continue in without having a plan to eventually (hopefully sooner) get myself out into the real world (ish) being a competent adult.

Goals. That's what I need. I need something to strive for. And my mom is probably right...I need someone or something to take care of. I currently am doing a fabulous job of wallowing in self-pity, self-loathing, self-depreciation and a lot of other selfish (ha!) and pointless areas.

Change is possible, isn't it?