A Lot of Words I was Desperately Needing to Hear

I initially thought to myself: I want to title this post as "I'm Mad as Hell and I'm Not Going to Take it Anymore!" but then I thought...that really doesn't apply to what I want to say.

I'm not really sure all of what I want to say, but I can say this: He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo is like a smack upside the head tonight. The movie was excellent, but the other day I realized Amber had a copy of this fantastical book, and as she's disappeared on me for the weekend, I decided to commandeer the book and read it. I don't think I'll regret this.

In fact, with any luck, I'll actually think before I act. Miraculously, the first thing they try to impress on their readers is that if a guy likes you, he'll find a way to get to you. He'll do whatever it takes to call or get to know you. I already know this. I've learned this over the years. The guy needs to make the first move. Maybe you meet them somewhere and you really like them, but until they ask for your number or ask you out or find a way to get in touch with you...there's no point.

Don't get me wrong, I've heavily advocated making the first move over the years. For crying out loud, I've been the one making the first move for years. I meant no disrespect and I certainly didn't mean to throw off the groove of the guy I liked, but I also am not good at sitting around and waiting for a guy to pursue me. The thing I've learned though is that if I make the first move, the relationship never really works. Something always falls apart. Part of that is probably the fact that I never felt desired, but it also seemed like the guy was even less likely to do anything. He seemed almost lazy about everything between us.

I deserve better than that.

So do you.

I just finished reading Chapter 3 "he's just not that into you if he's not dating you: 'Hanging out' is not dating," and it really hits home. This sums up...everything. I can't deny that I like having guy friends. They're great, and I don't want to change that, but this chapter also pointed out that it's not worth waiting forever for a guy that says you're his "best friend."

This is when it hit me: I am the rule. Dang.

I realized that I've grown up with the belief that I am exactly like my mom. That my fairy tale relationship would probably be born under the same circumstances. That I would be some guy's "best friend" and that I'd spend all my time with him and he'd probably date other girls and confide in me, and then suddenly --like lightning!-- he'd realize I was the only one for him. This is what happened to my parents. They dated for a week, broke up, were best friends for about a year, and then my dad suddenly realized that he couldn't handle the idea of being apart from my mom. They were married 4 months later.

My mom was the exception. I on the other hand...I am the rule.

Dang.

Again, I'm not going to stop being friends with guys, but I am going to try to stop allowing myself this crazed fantasy that if I just hang around long enough that a guy will change his mind about me. It doesn't work that way. If a guy actually wanted me, he'd pursue me.

I have to believe I'm worth that though. That I am valuable and worthy of love and, just as important, that I am desirable. The last one will be the hardest for me to really wrap my head around, but I think if I could do that...I could actually do this waiting thing.

I am worth it. I am serious business, and someday soon someone else will realize that, and then I'll be glad I didn't waste my time with the rest of these jokers.

Just so you know, you're gorgeous and worth it too. Someone out there is madly in love with you, and you'll know it when they find you. I will too.

Recycle

(Picture by Terrence Raper)

Favorite things of this very moment (11:57 am CST):

• Jingle Bell Java coffee with some eggnog
• Being handed a Snapple Raspberry Ice Tea (which is probably my favorite) by my younger brothers after they'd borrowed my car
• Having heard from Nikky this morning
• Good music shuffling through my iTunes
• Having a good conversation with Jordan echoing through my head and helping to clear the last of the shadows of the ache I was feeling last night slowly dissipate
• Christmas lights (they truly never get old)
• Sunshine
• The promise of some girl time with Heather later this evening

I was trying to come up with an appropriate response to a post Jordan had written earlier today, and I was reminded of something about myself. I am a recycler and a rescuer. I am a collector of the lost and a restorer of the forgotten.

Nikky can attest to my bizarre reuse of paper. I tend to write her letters on whatever I have at hand at the moment: napkins, scratch paper, old memos, Beef-A-Roo tray inserts, Alfanos place mats, and even Cheese Nips boxes. I believe everything has a use. I tend to use scraps of cloth to create new things. I am currently creating a creature that Nikky will eventually probably get to own (she often gets stuck with my more bizarre creations). It's made from old scraps of fleece that my mom used to make blankets. I once made an afghan for a friend that was made almost entirely of yarn my grandmother had given me. A huge blanket made of castaway colors. It is one of the strangest looking blankets in history, but he loves it.

I feel people should be looked at in the same way was the blankets I've made or the creature I'm creating: each piece of them tells a story, and they're always made from love. I don't create things because I hate them, I retrieve the bits and find ways to use them for something better. People are the same. There will never come a day when I find a person who is without a little sparkle and magic of their own. There is always something worth restoring. Something worth protecting and preserving. Something worth pursuing and nurturing.

We are all lost, but we are also all worth being recovered and restored. We are priceless like jewels. Each of us starts off as something rough and uncut, but we can be turned into something much more beautiful. Something more.

We are diamonds in the rough.

Jibberish: A Series of Thoughts & Letters

"I have the right to do anything--but I will not be mastered by anything." - I Corinthians 6:12

I don't ever want to become someone who goes somewhere just because alcohol is available. I don't want to become someone who has to work 2 or 3 jobs to pay off debts resulting from my own silliness or because someone left me. I don't want my diet to become nothing more than diet Coke, yogurt, and granola bars. I don't want to become desperate and think I'm in love with any guy who smiles at me. I don't want to be in my late 40's chasing after attractive young single fathers in their mid- to late 20's thinking, with some kind of insanity, that it will work out. I don't want to marry someone only to have them basically use me as a cover for the fact there's something wrong with them or they just "need" to be with me or they're just desperate or bored or just because I'm convenient or available.

What I want is to believe that with or without the love of some guy, I'll be alright. To be able to work at one job I love and help others in some way. To find a way to be debt free (except for occasional credit card purchases that will be paid off as soon as possible or when holding a manageable mortgage for a house that fits my needs and/or the needs of my family). To be able to look at myself in the mirror without cringing. To believe in myself.

I want to be happy.

"I want to err on the side of compassion." - Terrence Raper

A verse to remember when struggling:

"Flee from sexual immorality...You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." - I Corinthians 6:18-20

I think this is a great verse, not only for avoiding sexual sin, but also for my overeating.

This body isn't mine. It belongs to God. I was bought for a price and therefore I must do the right thing and avoid the temptation to simply eat whatever I want whenever I want or when I'm lonely or aching. Instead, I need to do the right things and eat when I am hungry, not just anytime I feel like it.

"Don't ever again say that you're not 'valuable,' Antanasia. Or not beautiful. Or, for god's sake, 'fat.' when you get the urge to indulge in such ridiculous, misplaced self-criticism, remember yourself at this moment." -Lucius Vladescu, Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side

Every woman needs a man to tell her that. To let her know she's worth it. To help her see that it's more important to have a presence than to be a toothpick or blend in with every other girl. Be who you are. Be what you truly are. You're beautiful today, you were beautiful yesterday, and you'll be beautiful tomorrow. Never doubt it, never forget it. Stand tall and be proud of you. You're beautiful.


Favorite things of this very moment (12:24 pm CST):

• Burgundy colored nail polish
• Every Man's Battle
• Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side
• "Dudley Do-Right" on DVD...it makes me smile. So silly.
• Notebooks to fill with bizarre junk for your best friend
• Getting the phone numbers you need
• Finally having a good idea of how I am going to do my paper/presentation for HSV 270
• Quotes
• Books, I love books
• Sunshine the color of gold dripping across every thing inside and out
• That today is another day I can choose to make good decisions and do what's right