Day 4: Melody Grace

Dear El,

Thank you.

Happy birthday, sweet Ellie.  I miss you so much little girl.  I can't believe you're already 2.  It seems like it was just yesterday that you were sleeping on my lap while I watched Bones and told you all about the hopes I had for your future and how you would have a truly wonderful life.  I still believe every word of it.

I couldn't believe how blessed I was to get to live with your mom and dad while your mom was pregnant with you.  They were so much fun to live with, and they were my second family.  You are so lucky to be born to parents that want and love you so incredibly much.  You, sweet girl, were so loved from the very moment they knew you were on the way.  Your folks telling me that they were expecting you was one of the happiest moments of my life, and I still can't help but smile thinking about that joy.  I've learned so much about love watching them love each other and love you.

Ellie, the day you were born, I was in the hospital with your mom and dad and Grandma and Grandpa Cain.  We'd been waiting almost 2 days while your mom was in labor, and I am still amazed at how little sleep we all got and that your mom dealt with that as well as she did.  She was just so excited and ready to meet you.  When you were born that morning 2 years ago, your grandparents and I had all been sleeping in the waiting room of the birthing center because the nurses were so nice to us.  As soon as they told us we could come see you and your mom, we headed down.  I've never seen either of your parents look so proud.  It was like they were glowing with light from the inside.

Oh, El, you were so beautiful.  I couldn't believe how tiny you were.  Such sweet little fingers and toes, so pretty.  Your grandma and grandpa both held you and I just sat.  I was so amazed by you.  When they handed you to me I felt flooded with joy.  You were my niece.  You were my family.  You were a whole new little world.  You were perfect, and I was completely in love.  How could I not be?  You were such a delicate, sweet creature and you were now as much a part of my life as sunshine.

Ellie, I am grateful that I get to be a part of your life and that I am your Aunt Jaymin.  I am grateful that I am getting to watch you  grow up.  I am blown away with how smart your are (though it shouldn't be a surprised given how smart your folks are) and how much you are growing.  You are a beautiful little girl and you are going to be a gorgeous woman (just like your mom).  I hope as you grow that you remember you always have an aunt that loves you and is here if you need her.

I love you, El.  I miss seeing you every day.  Be good.

Love,
Aunt Jaymin

Clearing Out the Dross

Favorite things of this very moment (11:28 am CST):

• A great feeling of accomplishment because I've already got the dishwasher running, the table cleaned off, the catboxes cleaned, basement swept, and laundry running
• Feeling that JJ had a good time while he was here and knowing I did too
• Coffee (and having lots more if it too myself...he didn't drink nearly as much coffee as I expected)
• Having figured out what to get Joel for his birthday...oh yeah
• Christmas lights (even though I need to take them down soon...*sigh*)
• Knowing there is always another book to read

I decided I need to amend my book reading goal. It's not that I won't deal with those books, but rather that the rules need to change a bit. I am not going to promise or say I will read all of them. I will go through all of them, but I've come to the conclusion that if a book is making me miserable or it's boring me to an unhealthy extent or it's just bad (too graphic or simply poorly written) that I will find that book a new home. I'll give to someone who might actually enjoy it, donate it to the library, or I'll take it up to the Painted Pony and trade it in for a book that I actually want to read. We'll see how it goes. Whatever the case, I'm going to get through the full list.

This morning I started reading Shakespeare's' The Taming of the Shrew. I'm already a little uncertain of how I feel about it. This one is definitely one I'll finish, but I'm not sure I like the premise of the story. Lots of tricks, lots of money hungry buggers, and women being submissive (which I realize is biblically sound, but husbands aren't supposed to be like these guys as far as I can gather...hmph). All in all, it should prove to be an interesting read.

To my earlier comments about discarding what I can't find worthy...I'm going to be doing a lot more of this all year. I'll recycle and give away all that I can, but when something needs to be tossed in the trash, that will happen too. I've decided this year is about simplifying life and recharging. This also means cleaning away the layers of accumulating dust. I feel like I've been hoarding a lot of things that need to be let go of or given away and destroyed. It feels like the stuff and memories in my life have become too much. Just a lot of stuff. No real value.

Like I said, I plan to give away a lot of things this year. I'm pleased to say I already took a stack of old books that I couldn't give to the library or friends up to the Painted Pony. That was lovely. Traded a stack of books I defintely didn't need for a pair of books I really do want to read. A good trade I think.

Next to go will be the old clothes and stuff I never wear, and then we'll see where it goes. All I know is that when all this cleaning, clearing, and shuffling is over, I hope to have only stuff I actually see value in.

My Mom for years and years now has had an old notecard attatched to whatever calendar we're using in the kitchen and it contains the following quote:

"Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." -Henry David Thoreau

I'm going to follow Henry David Thoreau's advice to the letter.

You have a wonderful day.

Jibberish: A Series of Thoughts & Letters

"I have the right to do anything--but I will not be mastered by anything." - I Corinthians 6:12

I don't ever want to become someone who goes somewhere just because alcohol is available. I don't want to become someone who has to work 2 or 3 jobs to pay off debts resulting from my own silliness or because someone left me. I don't want my diet to become nothing more than diet Coke, yogurt, and granola bars. I don't want to become desperate and think I'm in love with any guy who smiles at me. I don't want to be in my late 40's chasing after attractive young single fathers in their mid- to late 20's thinking, with some kind of insanity, that it will work out. I don't want to marry someone only to have them basically use me as a cover for the fact there's something wrong with them or they just "need" to be with me or they're just desperate or bored or just because I'm convenient or available.

What I want is to believe that with or without the love of some guy, I'll be alright. To be able to work at one job I love and help others in some way. To find a way to be debt free (except for occasional credit card purchases that will be paid off as soon as possible or when holding a manageable mortgage for a house that fits my needs and/or the needs of my family). To be able to look at myself in the mirror without cringing. To believe in myself.

I want to be happy.

"I want to err on the side of compassion." - Terrence Raper

A verse to remember when struggling:

"Flee from sexual immorality...You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." - I Corinthians 6:18-20

I think this is a great verse, not only for avoiding sexual sin, but also for my overeating.

This body isn't mine. It belongs to God. I was bought for a price and therefore I must do the right thing and avoid the temptation to simply eat whatever I want whenever I want or when I'm lonely or aching. Instead, I need to do the right things and eat when I am hungry, not just anytime I feel like it.

"Don't ever again say that you're not 'valuable,' Antanasia. Or not beautiful. Or, for god's sake, 'fat.' when you get the urge to indulge in such ridiculous, misplaced self-criticism, remember yourself at this moment." -Lucius Vladescu, Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side

Every woman needs a man to tell her that. To let her know she's worth it. To help her see that it's more important to have a presence than to be a toothpick or blend in with every other girl. Be who you are. Be what you truly are. You're beautiful today, you were beautiful yesterday, and you'll be beautiful tomorrow. Never doubt it, never forget it. Stand tall and be proud of you. You're beautiful.


Favorite things of this very moment (12:24 pm CST):

• Burgundy colored nail polish
• Every Man's Battle
• Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side
• "Dudley Do-Right" on DVD...it makes me smile. So silly.
• Notebooks to fill with bizarre junk for your best friend
• Getting the phone numbers you need
• Finally having a good idea of how I am going to do my paper/presentation for HSV 270
• Quotes
• Books, I love books
• Sunshine the color of gold dripping across every thing inside and out
• That today is another day I can choose to make good decisions and do what's right