Day 4: Melody Grace

Dear El,

Thank you.

Happy birthday, sweet Ellie.  I miss you so much little girl.  I can't believe you're already 2.  It seems like it was just yesterday that you were sleeping on my lap while I watched Bones and told you all about the hopes I had for your future and how you would have a truly wonderful life.  I still believe every word of it.

I couldn't believe how blessed I was to get to live with your mom and dad while your mom was pregnant with you.  They were so much fun to live with, and they were my second family.  You are so lucky to be born to parents that want and love you so incredibly much.  You, sweet girl, were so loved from the very moment they knew you were on the way.  Your folks telling me that they were expecting you was one of the happiest moments of my life, and I still can't help but smile thinking about that joy.  I've learned so much about love watching them love each other and love you.

Ellie, the day you were born, I was in the hospital with your mom and dad and Grandma and Grandpa Cain.  We'd been waiting almost 2 days while your mom was in labor, and I am still amazed at how little sleep we all got and that your mom dealt with that as well as she did.  She was just so excited and ready to meet you.  When you were born that morning 2 years ago, your grandparents and I had all been sleeping in the waiting room of the birthing center because the nurses were so nice to us.  As soon as they told us we could come see you and your mom, we headed down.  I've never seen either of your parents look so proud.  It was like they were glowing with light from the inside.

Oh, El, you were so beautiful.  I couldn't believe how tiny you were.  Such sweet little fingers and toes, so pretty.  Your grandma and grandpa both held you and I just sat.  I was so amazed by you.  When they handed you to me I felt flooded with joy.  You were my niece.  You were my family.  You were a whole new little world.  You were perfect, and I was completely in love.  How could I not be?  You were such a delicate, sweet creature and you were now as much a part of my life as sunshine.

Ellie, I am grateful that I get to be a part of your life and that I am your Aunt Jaymin.  I am grateful that I am getting to watch you  grow up.  I am blown away with how smart your are (though it shouldn't be a surprised given how smart your folks are) and how much you are growing.  You are a beautiful little girl and you are going to be a gorgeous woman (just like your mom).  I hope as you grow that you remember you always have an aunt that loves you and is here if you need her.

I love you, El.  I miss seeing you every day.  Be good.

Love,
Aunt Jaymin

Day 2: Morgo

Dear Morgan,

Thank you. 

You, my dear, have been a life raft, an oasis, a cheerleader, and all around wonderful friend. Especially the past few years. I still can't believe the sweet little girl from youth group grew up to be this always incredible you. :) 

You are truly a woman pursuing God, and your faith gives me strength. I am always grateful for your prayers and honesty. I especially love our China Buffet nights and the little hodge-podge family we pull together so we can laugh together and just be ourselves. Thank you, Morgo, for helping me find a social life and harbor where I'd been drifting and alone. Your concern and laughter have been a lighthouse. I love you, sweet sister. 

Thank you thank you thank you. 

Love you,

Jaymin

Ps. What do you call a bear that has no teeth?

A gummy bear!

Popcorn Jellybeans

This summer has been unusual.  To be real honest, I'm extremely grateful it's finally coming to a close.  I got quite a bit of traveling in, saw first hand what the benefit of having a grief counselor at camp is, brought home a new kitten, junked my car, resigned from my dream job, and moved back in with my parents.  I've developed new scars on my ankles, feet, and hands; given away about a third of what I own; and finally started reading the copy of Catch-22 that my brother gave me; and I've tried to be more honest with people about my feelings.  I've read more books and watched less NetFlix.  I got to spend some time playing with my nieces and nephews (though there's never enough time) and learned to write cover letters.  I toyed with recipes, hung out with friends, continued a long-standing word game, and even vacuumed behind my bed.  It's been a different kind of summer.

The past couple of weeks I've felt like I was losing hope, and I've been spending more time awake worrying and overthinking than I'd like to admit.  There's nothing better than trying to do math at 4 in the morning because you're trying to figure out what you have left in your account and if you're going to be able to make it till you find a new job or (which should just happen) someone finally pays you what they owe you for work you did earlier in the summer/spring.

But God shows up.  In my depression and doubt, I've been struggling to pray because I just didn't feel like I had anything to say that would be any different than anything I've said before.  I've dealt with depression before, but usually I find comfort drawing closer to God.  This time I just felt like I was in O'Hare where they keep moving my gate and delaying my flight with no end in sight.  Thankfully, even though I've been feeling like everything is pointless and my life is starting to crumble about the edges, my friends and family stepped up.  Someone was always there to remind me that they loved me and had my back, and just as important, they were praying for me.  My friends, my family, my church...they kept praying.  They kept reminding me that someone good was on it's way.

Today, after getting stung by a bee, bit by a beetle, not being able to find job postings, and being told there was no longer a job opening at one of the places I was trying to apply to, I finally got a call back about a position that I really was hoping for.  I go in this coming Wednesday to go over the details of the offer and start the hiring process.  I could not be more grateful for this opportunity.  It's going to make me have to learn to flip my sleep schedule completely since I will be going to work extremely early in the morning, but I will be able to walk the 3 blocks to work from my house and by November I will have real health insurance.  This answers so many prayers and I am so grateful.

God showed up.  I need to start remembering that just because I don't think it's possible or am feeling like things are a lost cause, I am not the final say.  God can make it happen, and He's not going to abandon me when I need him most.  He will show up and He will come through for me.  I hope you can see that too and find your own popcorn jellybeans.


ps.  Favorite Things of This Very Moment (1:45 AM CST):

• John Mayer
• The Cat Who book series
• My Hawaiian Breeze fan
• The fact that the temperature seems to be dropping
• Knowing I get to go to Rockford with my family in the morning
• Major League (the movie)
• Handheld Tetris
• My large and wonderful hospital water bottle that keeps things cold for ages and ages
• That I'm actually tired and should be able to fall asleep pretty close to instantly after I get off this thing
• Recycling