Popcorn Jellybeans

This summer has been unusual.  To be real honest, I'm extremely grateful it's finally coming to a close.  I got quite a bit of traveling in, saw first hand what the benefit of having a grief counselor at camp is, brought home a new kitten, junked my car, resigned from my dream job, and moved back in with my parents.  I've developed new scars on my ankles, feet, and hands; given away about a third of what I own; and finally started reading the copy of Catch-22 that my brother gave me; and I've tried to be more honest with people about my feelings.  I've read more books and watched less NetFlix.  I got to spend some time playing with my nieces and nephews (though there's never enough time) and learned to write cover letters.  I toyed with recipes, hung out with friends, continued a long-standing word game, and even vacuumed behind my bed.  It's been a different kind of summer.

The past couple of weeks I've felt like I was losing hope, and I've been spending more time awake worrying and overthinking than I'd like to admit.  There's nothing better than trying to do math at 4 in the morning because you're trying to figure out what you have left in your account and if you're going to be able to make it till you find a new job or (which should just happen) someone finally pays you what they owe you for work you did earlier in the summer/spring.

But God shows up.  In my depression and doubt, I've been struggling to pray because I just didn't feel like I had anything to say that would be any different than anything I've said before.  I've dealt with depression before, but usually I find comfort drawing closer to God.  This time I just felt like I was in O'Hare where they keep moving my gate and delaying my flight with no end in sight.  Thankfully, even though I've been feeling like everything is pointless and my life is starting to crumble about the edges, my friends and family stepped up.  Someone was always there to remind me that they loved me and had my back, and just as important, they were praying for me.  My friends, my family, my church...they kept praying.  They kept reminding me that someone good was on it's way.

Today, after getting stung by a bee, bit by a beetle, not being able to find job postings, and being told there was no longer a job opening at one of the places I was trying to apply to, I finally got a call back about a position that I really was hoping for.  I go in this coming Wednesday to go over the details of the offer and start the hiring process.  I could not be more grateful for this opportunity.  It's going to make me have to learn to flip my sleep schedule completely since I will be going to work extremely early in the morning, but I will be able to walk the 3 blocks to work from my house and by November I will have real health insurance.  This answers so many prayers and I am so grateful.

God showed up.  I need to start remembering that just because I don't think it's possible or am feeling like things are a lost cause, I am not the final say.  God can make it happen, and He's not going to abandon me when I need him most.  He will show up and He will come through for me.  I hope you can see that too and find your own popcorn jellybeans.


ps.  Favorite Things of This Very Moment (1:45 AM CST):

• John Mayer
• The Cat Who book series
• My Hawaiian Breeze fan
• The fact that the temperature seems to be dropping
• Knowing I get to go to Rockford with my family in the morning
• Major League (the movie)
• Handheld Tetris
• My large and wonderful hospital water bottle that keeps things cold for ages and ages
• That I'm actually tired and should be able to fall asleep pretty close to instantly after I get off this thing
• Recycling

Spirit Animals & Going Home

Dean Winchester really is my spirit animal, but probably only where this is concerned.  I shouldn't say that.  We're both incredibly loyal past the point of logic or good health, and we both have a lot of self-loathing.  Beyond that, I really couldn't say.  I haven't watched nearly enough of the show to know if our similarities run any deeper.  I know I'm not the object of the opposite sex's burning desire though, so we don't have that in common at all.

Moving on.  All I'm saying is that I understand how little desire Dean has to jog or run.  I'm with him 100%.  I haven't been out running or walking or jogging or anything in well over a week and I'm supposed to do that 5K in about a month and a half.  I'm planning on dying.  I guess I should probably update my will and get as much living in as I can while I still have time.  I'll get to see Jay and Kim get married before I die, and I've had the opportunity to hold Ki, Ellie, Quin and play with Conor, so at least I'll die knowing the little ones I adore in person.  Plus I got ahold of a copy of John Mayer's cover of "XO" today, so nothing else really matters anyway.

I get to go home in about a week.  It is hard to explain just how happy I am about this.  I miss my family.  Deeply.  One of the things that is constantly driven home to me being so far away is just how amazing my family is and how hard it is to be without them.  I am truly lucky when it come to my family.  What's even better?  They're as excited about me coming home as I am to see them.  I'll get to see David and Kelsey's new apartment, Joel is in the process of trying to win a bet we have going over a screen play, I get to bake my dad pie, I'll get to talk to my mom about everything in person (and without feeling weird about who may hear me), and I'll get to make Forrest laugh.  I'll take pictures of everything and I'll get to cuddle with my cat, sleep in my own bed, sit on my front porch for hours, and spend time reading in my favorite chair in the universe.  For a little while all will feel like it is supposed to and I'll be able to breath without it feeling like a struggle.

I've had a really hard time the past few weeks just trying to stay motivated.  I want Children of Change to succeed so badly, but I feel like I'm floundering in my ability to be my best.  I don't think I'm my best right now.  I think I'm a little too damaged to be what I need to be, and I'm hoping this trip home will give me a little perspective and a way to heal.  Maybe the distance and climate change and actual meals will make a difference.  Plus Sun Tea.  Real sun tea.  No sweeteners.  Just the tea and ice in a tall glass with a good book.  Everything about that sounds like heaven.  

I can't wait to go home.

Favorite things of this very moment (12:50 AM EST):

• XO by John Mayer (do yourself a favor and buy it)
• The pair of black heels I was given tonight (for free!)
• My new lamp (Look!  Now there are more of them!)
• John Mayer's voice...le sigh
• My room being a not insane temperature, but rather being juuuuust right
• Calle and her terrible jokes about snails (er...Canadians)
• The prospect of sleep
• Getting to talk to Shelby (I miss her)

Cliff Diving

Day after day I question my heart and my intentions. 

People ship us. Do you realize this? 

You're lovely.

I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, and I can't decide whether to dive or not. My adrenalin is starting to surge, but I can't decide if I'm ready for this. More worrying? I'm not sure I'd land in the water or hit the rocks if I do jump, and I'm not sure I'd survive hitting the rocks. I've done that before, and I barely survived. I'm just now nearly healed from that fall; am I really ready to risk this?

Know this: if you decided to clear away some of the rocks or show me where I could jump, I wouldn't hesitate. I would choose you every day, and I would do all I could to make you laugh. I would support you as you continue to grow into the man your becoming. 

But I don't think I'm really what you want or what you're looking for. 

It won't be long now before I find myself staring down the rocks. If I'm smart I'll pull myself away from the edge. 

I miss reckless desire and being fearless. 

What the Strainer Caught

Favorite Things of this Very Moment (10:49 am CST):

• "What the Strainer Caught" mix
• Christmas lights
• Powdered sugar snow that's coating everything outside
• Clean water
• Knowing people I love will be receiving special holiday surprises/greetings in the mail
• Having my major errand of the morning completed
• Writing real responses to emails
• Having a new book of stamps sitting on the footstool just waiting for letters to be sent
• The sounds of the heater mixed with Cake singing "I Will Survive"
• That only my pinkies seem to get cold (Why is that?)
• Chubby little squirrels who seem to be living for each and every moment while jumping through all the trees of the neighbor hood finding berries and whatnot to munch this fine December morning
• Adjectives

My brain is a seething mass of thoughts and emotions completely incapable of slowing or holding still. I have felt, often lately, that I just can't contain them all. There's always something trying to escape. Maybe I just haven't done such a great job of expressing them lately. It just seems too much.

It becomes increasingly weird when you get to a point where you realize that your emotions or something deeper in you is making it impossible to think of anything but reaching over and grabbing someone's hand. When it takes all your will to hold your hands together...doesn't that seem a little bizarre. Especially when you are fine without this individual whenever you're away from them...

Sometimes I wonder if my brain really is wired differently from the average woman. Worries me a little bit at times, but I guess God made me this way for a reason, even if I don't understand it and it makes me wonder if I'm crazy.

Ha.

Luckily, this is the season of love, giving, charity, joy, magic: Christmas. The joy of Christ's birth and the overflow of generosity spills into every day. So much magic really does radiate through the Christmas season. I love the change that it brings over people. Even the hardest of hearts. It's hard to be a grouch during this lovely season of the year. Even a cynic melts into the romantic they truly are at heart in the month of December...Magic.

May this December bring you all the joy and magic the season can hold. May it overwhelm you in the very best sense of the word, and may it spill into the rest of the coming year.

And I'll leave you with this, What the Strainer Caught playlist (to express the overflow in my head):

• Mixed Tape - Jack's Mannequin
• Love Don't Live Here Anymore - Lady Antebellum
• (You're the) Devil in Disguise - Elvis Presley
• Friends - Band of Skulls
• Hokis - Eve 6
• Daria - Cake
• Every Day is Exactly the Same - Nine Inch Nails
• Papercut - Gym Class Heroes
• Kiss Kiss - Chris Brown & T. Pain
• Getaway - Train
• Burning Man - Third Eye Blind
• Islands in the Stream - Bee Gees (not a joke, Nik...haha..."What's that Pete?")
• Wrong Turn - Jack Johnson
• Breaking It Up - Lykke Li
• Hey Mr. DJ (Keep Playin' This Song) - Backstreet Boys (don't you judge me...ha)
• Oil and Water - Incubus (*sigh* Brandon Boyd *sigh*)
• Back to You - John Mayer
• If You Want My Love (Alternate Version) - Cheap Trick
• I Will Survive - Cake (my favorite version of this song...ever)
• Message in a Bottle - John Mayer (*smiles*)

Beautiful

Favorite things of this very moment (4:32 pm CST):

• The above and terribly beautiful picture of John Mayer. The man is just insanely good looking, and that picture is...lovely.
• A big glass of sun tea with 5 ice cubes in it (now, if only they were heart-shaped)
• Convincing Jay to wear a snowman print tie at church today with his green long-sleeved shirt (lots of people wore odd-print ties today for Bob Jones...it was a going away thing)
• Lei's, preferably beautiful blue & white flowered ones
• Perfecting a new mix for your best friend
• The look on Jay's face when I handed him New Moon this morning. Priceless.
• Getting the details worked out for the trip to FUEL
• Knowing there will be a check for money towards my FUEL tuition at the church the next time I stop in while running errands
• Seeing Alicia & Brit yesterday
• Sleeping right through the night because I was so tired after being up till almost 2am this morning on the porch talking to Ben
• Mascara & eyeliner (a life-saver, and they actually prove that I have eyes...weird)
• Knowing there's exactly one week till I'll see Nikky, Jenny, Josh, Kyle, Graysen, Hope, JJ, Kimmieboo, and so many other people that I love and miss terribly, and that I'll get to be with them for a whole week
• My Mom's delicious desserts
• Having Jay come and sit with Dan, Rachel and I today for the sermon...finally...sheesh
• The completely lack of humidity today
• A perfect summer breeze
• That I am wearing two layers today and completely comfortable (could it be this temperature all summer long?)

Life is a beautiful thing.

This morning when I got to church, I was informed that Jay and I were singing a duet on the verse of "Our God is an Awesome God." I've been singing that song for years with the verse, but we've never sung it with the congregation. On top of which, I've never sung a duet with Jay in all the years I've known him, and it meant I had to actually sing fairly high. Scared the bejeebers out of me, but I can honestly say, I enjoyed it. We sounded good, and I was told that Jay and I should be singing together more often. Bonus. :)

What I really loved was that I stepped up to the challenge and nailed it. Excellent.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just kind of passing through life, but mornings, well days actually, like this one prove to me that I am alive. I stepped up and faced a fear (silly, I know, but still, there was more adrenaline flowing in my veins today than you can understand, especially when it wasn't something bad or really scary), I actually held a successful and short meeting, talked to Gail about my tuition money for FUEL, convinced Jay to wear that ridiculous tie (for Bob!), wore a lei throughout all of church (yes, even while singing), taught Sunday school and actually felt good about how the class went, and spent my afternoon talking to adults. Isn't that lovely?

All I can say is that today, I am alive. This week, I am alive. I am trying to make some changes, to finally step up to the plate, to take some responsibility.

I am proud of myself for doing the following this week:

• Signing up for classes at Sauk, and figuring out my goal to complete my associates
• Writing a decent short story for the first time in several years
• Having an open, honest, loving discussion about our relationship with Jay, and discussing the way our friendship has evolved into an incredibly close friendship. He's one of my best friends, and I'm one of his. This is lovely.
• Being up front with Gail and talking to her about money for FUEL, and getting that taken care of
• Taking the initiative to call PT and then get ahold of everyone and have a meeting and figure out what we need to do to get to FUEL
• Singing the duet with Jay even though I was scared
• Working a little overtime on Saturday because I needed the money and I wanted to step up a bit

Like I said, life is a beautiful thing. Just like John Mayer. I am well pleased. You have a beautiful day!

Twenty-Two

Favorite things of this very moment (3:29 pm CST):

• Multiple emails from Jay
• Getting birthday wishes
• Being able to use my sunglasses
• Being able to see more than 10 ft
• Coffee with vanilla soy milk, sugar, and cinnamon in it
• John Mayer (in all his various forms)
• Talking to Nikky and having her help me decide on which kind of Milano cookies would work best for my pie-ish-thing recipe
• Justin Masterman putting together a benefit concert for the Callaways (he is a wonder)
• New music
• Sweet/Sappy birthday cards
• Knowing Josh, Jen, Kyle, Angie, and Nathan will be here tomorrow night
• Creating bracelets out of pieces of yarn that are so pretty I can't find a reason to throw them away
• Contacts
• Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austin (in all it's print and media and take-off forms)
• Collin Firth
• Graph paper notebooks
• The "Twilight" movie trailer (http://www.imdb.com/video/trailer/vi2380464409/)

Today I am 22 years old. I do not feel 22. I feel about 13. I'm still awkward, I'm still socially inept, I'm still single, and I'm still living with my parents.

Perhaps I'm the female version of Wayne Campbell. It's too bad Nikky and I don't live next door to each other, we'd make a great Wayne & Garth pair. (Well, we do anyway, but having the entire state of Indiana between us makes it a little hard to function normally.)

Birthdays are a fickle thing. I like birthdays is some ways. I enjoy being surprised by people's thoughtfulness. I love cake (or pie or whatever substitute we use and stick candles in). I enjoy the well-wishes and the emails and the notes, but they still lack something.

I'm not good with the attention. I don't know what it is, maybe I feel I don't deserve it, or maybe I'm trying hard not to care about it because they never seem that special to me. I've had to share my birthday with a great deal of traveling, weddings, and tragedy over the past several years, not to mention having one of my best friends repeatedly forget my birthday and then always try to buy me off with some gift.

I just wish there was a nice balance. I don't like being fussed over, but I do like feeling special. I don't need anything extravagant, but it is nice to be remembered.

I guess in a lot of ways the attention I've always received on my birthday always seemed kind of fake, and fake is not something I'm real thrilled with.

Meh.

I feel guilty for even caring it's my birthday this year. I've got several close friends dealing with funerals for close family members this week, and one of my best friends is trying to recover from a broken heart. What is a birthday in comparison to their tragedies?

Again, I say unto you, meh.

And so, I appreciate that kindness of my friends, the gifts, the cards, the notes, and just how generally sweet everyone is. It means a lot, even if I sound like a grouch today. I'm not really, I've been having good things happen and indulging myself a little. Bought myself a little John Mayer Trio and got my eyes checked so I can use my contacts again. Sometimes I forget that I really do have lovely eyes. Muahaha.

Now, if only I could receive the magical powers to play match maker and to heal broken hearts for my birthday. Wouldn't that be lovely? Best birthday gifts ever if I could make everyone around me happy. I think that would make me happy too.

Maybe somewhere, deep down, I am growing up. I guess this is just the beginning of another year for me and we'll have to wait and see...

Good night.

In Repair

Favorite things of this very moment (6:14 pm):

• The silver and teal thermos that has traveled with me constantly for the past 4 or so years (especially as it is accompanying me tonight while I am trying to write at the library)
• John Mayer. Enough said.
• The bright, gorgeous, fiery colors of fall that inspire me
• People who actually recommend books, and like to talk about them
• Autumn sunsets
• Packages from friends
• Finding a song that can perfectly mirror your heart at a given moment in time
  

And now, to share the song that is a reflection of my heart:

In Repair by John Mayer

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right

It's taking so long
I could be wrong, I could by ready
But if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new luck upon me

It's taken so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
But if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair

And now I'm walking in the park
And all of the birds, they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me

It's taken so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
But if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I'm never really ready
I'm in repair
I'm not together but I'm getting there

This song if...it's me. So very me. I've been reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, and I really do feel it's showing me what I've been lacking. Every night I read a little bit more and I keep underlining things going, yeah, that's me. That's what my heart looks like! Don't get me wrong, these are not all good things. I've been domineering, I've been manipulative, I have hurt so many people I love and so many others I do not even know...

But, I'm in repair.

I want to be the beautiful woman God has created me to be. I've hidden my heart from so many who deserved to see it and shown it to several who never deserved it and only caused me to believe I had no worth. How could I have done these things?

I've been trying to fill a God-shaped hole with all the wrong things. There's a song by Plum called "God-shaped Hole" (or something close) and it talks about how each of us has a God-shaped hole in our hearts and we know there's something missing. I've been aching for a long time. A slow, dull ache that made me feel so lonely and unloved. And instead of turning to God, I've turned to so many other people and things to try and fill that hole and cover that ache: men, food, money...

None of those things helps. And I've always known that, but I've always been someone who, for one reason or another, has to learn the hard way. This has definitely been one of those times.

I am learning to fill that ache with the only thing that works: God. He is the only one who can fill this ache, and He will repair me. I just have to let him.

Now is a time of joy, I have been shown several of the areas that I have been hurting myself. I have covered up all traces of my femininity, all traces of my beauty, hidden my gifts and feelings, and most of all, I've hidden my true heart. In doing this, I have avoided being the woman God made me to be. This must change.

I am beautiful. I am lovely. I am here for a purpose, and God will see me through.

And so, I'll leave you with the wise words of John Mayer, "I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there..."