(73) Too Close to be Alright

Way too close

Way too comfortable

& the strange hope

that keeps trying to inflate

my weary heart

Is a terrible thing

There's too much

to talk me out of it

& who wants

a reluctant lover

I miss knowing

every moment

that I wanted to

dive into someone's love

& arms & dreams

to consume them

& be their everything

You should never feel

awkward & shamed 

by who you pursue

if that's the case, 

think of the spared

hearts & egos

I may not know

what I truly want

but I know this confusion

isn't where I belong

 

Why Being One of the Guys is Not Always a Good Thing

Favorite things of this very moment (1:50 pm CST):

• Hearing "A Little Less Conversation" sung by Elvis blaring over the loudspeakers in a Chinese stadium
• Ice tea (I don't think I can mention this enough)
• Fresh pineapple
• Knowing I get to see Jenna in just a couple of hours
• Seeing Paxton at church this morning
• Watching all the little ones dance through the service today
• The tall one (he makes me happy)
• That Ben is loving the Twilight series (oh yes, another convert to my convoluted, beloved obsession)
• Pink handled scissors
• Hearing Mom say, "The man is the head of the household," and Joel responding with, "But the woman is the neck and she can turn the head whichever way she wants it."
• Perfect golden, beautiful sunshine highlighting the green and gorgeous trees and the wonderful cool weather

Jay and I went to Rockford this evening to visit Jenna. Met up at Starbucks, and after collecting a few humorous books, we sat down in the "cafe" and enjoyed our time.

The conversations that I have on these kind of visits are my favorite. Jay was a great addition to the mini-group. It was beautiful. So much awkward, so many topics, so many bad accents, so much shared humor, ridiculous insults, strange comments, and laughter. It needs to happen more often. Truly.

The question that most sticks in my mind was when Jay asked why it's so bad to be one of the guys. We had established that I am not a "normal" girl. That I am better capable to deal with and understand guys than girls in a lot of ways. They just make me feel more understood and comfortable. Jay didn't understand how it could be a pain for me to be one of the boys.

Let me explain. It's not that I don't enjoy being one of the guys. In a lot of ways it's great. I enjoy being able to spend huge amounts of time with large quantities of testosterone. I feel at ease there and I can hold my own. I make great friends who are loyal, protective, and wonderful this way. The problem is that you don't ever get to be anything more.

I am the girl every guy wants around. They "need" me. But they don't really. I'm a substitute person when they aren't in relationships, I am the best friend.

The problem is...I still haven't found anyone who really wants me. Who really needs me. Who sees me as a women, not just a best friend. That's why being one of the guys isn't the best. It's great, but until I find a guy who can see me for all that I am...it won't be completely awesome.

Someday. Maybe someday soon...

Well, I'll keep dreaming.

Twenty-Two

Favorite things of this very moment (3:29 pm CST):

• Multiple emails from Jay
• Getting birthday wishes
• Being able to use my sunglasses
• Being able to see more than 10 ft
• Coffee with vanilla soy milk, sugar, and cinnamon in it
• John Mayer (in all his various forms)
• Talking to Nikky and having her help me decide on which kind of Milano cookies would work best for my pie-ish-thing recipe
• Justin Masterman putting together a benefit concert for the Callaways (he is a wonder)
• New music
• Sweet/Sappy birthday cards
• Knowing Josh, Jen, Kyle, Angie, and Nathan will be here tomorrow night
• Creating bracelets out of pieces of yarn that are so pretty I can't find a reason to throw them away
• Contacts
• Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austin (in all it's print and media and take-off forms)
• Collin Firth
• Graph paper notebooks
• The "Twilight" movie trailer (http://www.imdb.com/video/trailer/vi2380464409/)

Today I am 22 years old. I do not feel 22. I feel about 13. I'm still awkward, I'm still socially inept, I'm still single, and I'm still living with my parents.

Perhaps I'm the female version of Wayne Campbell. It's too bad Nikky and I don't live next door to each other, we'd make a great Wayne & Garth pair. (Well, we do anyway, but having the entire state of Indiana between us makes it a little hard to function normally.)

Birthdays are a fickle thing. I like birthdays is some ways. I enjoy being surprised by people's thoughtfulness. I love cake (or pie or whatever substitute we use and stick candles in). I enjoy the well-wishes and the emails and the notes, but they still lack something.

I'm not good with the attention. I don't know what it is, maybe I feel I don't deserve it, or maybe I'm trying hard not to care about it because they never seem that special to me. I've had to share my birthday with a great deal of traveling, weddings, and tragedy over the past several years, not to mention having one of my best friends repeatedly forget my birthday and then always try to buy me off with some gift.

I just wish there was a nice balance. I don't like being fussed over, but I do like feeling special. I don't need anything extravagant, but it is nice to be remembered.

I guess in a lot of ways the attention I've always received on my birthday always seemed kind of fake, and fake is not something I'm real thrilled with.

Meh.

I feel guilty for even caring it's my birthday this year. I've got several close friends dealing with funerals for close family members this week, and one of my best friends is trying to recover from a broken heart. What is a birthday in comparison to their tragedies?

Again, I say unto you, meh.

And so, I appreciate that kindness of my friends, the gifts, the cards, the notes, and just how generally sweet everyone is. It means a lot, even if I sound like a grouch today. I'm not really, I've been having good things happen and indulging myself a little. Bought myself a little John Mayer Trio and got my eyes checked so I can use my contacts again. Sometimes I forget that I really do have lovely eyes. Muahaha.

Now, if only I could receive the magical powers to play match maker and to heal broken hearts for my birthday. Wouldn't that be lovely? Best birthday gifts ever if I could make everyone around me happy. I think that would make me happy too.

Maybe somewhere, deep down, I am growing up. I guess this is just the beginning of another year for me and we'll have to wait and see...

Good night.

Mr. Willoughby and Other Items of the Day

Favorite things of this very moment (4:51 pm CST):

• That I will be done with work in 9 minutes
• That I realized Nikky had recently written some brilliance in her blog that I thoroughly enjoyed
• Eldest by Christopher Paolini (it's distracting me for the moment, and so worth it too)
• Peppermint tea
• Jeff calling which seems so...weird...and brilliantly timed...(I think the irony of this is what really was my favorite...not necessarily anything else...heh)
• Getting a package in the mail from Heather today. Woohoo new mixes and some chocolate! We are back in business!
• Mr. Willoughby

As Nikky so brilliantly says, "I am so the opposite of smooth." Ah yes, so am I. So am I. Geez and Ugh. Yes...so am I. Let me explain:

I talked to Mr. Willoughby again today in my Computer class. He sat down next to me because of a project we were all working on that had us moving all the time. When he was done, he looked over and asked if all he had to do was close it out on the computer. And me, being completely incapable of taking talking and processing information because of the glorious beauty of his entire being (that and he has one of those voices that just is smoother than silk and you wish you could listen to him talk for forever because it's so perfect) that all I could manage was something incredibly lame and weak like, "yess..." I don't think I even completely looked at him or smiled. You know, like you should do when you talk to attractive men because they, apparently, find it attractive when you say actual words of some kind in their direction as well as being friendly. Uh. I am such an idiot. And he is so incredibly beautiful. If only I was majoring in photography and could convince him I needed to take a picture of him. *sigh* But I am not creative enough to do this. Kind of like that whole Shane thing, but let's just skip that...

Yep.