Popcorn Jellybeans

This summer has been unusual.  To be real honest, I'm extremely grateful it's finally coming to a close.  I got quite a bit of traveling in, saw first hand what the benefit of having a grief counselor at camp is, brought home a new kitten, junked my car, resigned from my dream job, and moved back in with my parents.  I've developed new scars on my ankles, feet, and hands; given away about a third of what I own; and finally started reading the copy of Catch-22 that my brother gave me; and I've tried to be more honest with people about my feelings.  I've read more books and watched less NetFlix.  I got to spend some time playing with my nieces and nephews (though there's never enough time) and learned to write cover letters.  I toyed with recipes, hung out with friends, continued a long-standing word game, and even vacuumed behind my bed.  It's been a different kind of summer.

The past couple of weeks I've felt like I was losing hope, and I've been spending more time awake worrying and overthinking than I'd like to admit.  There's nothing better than trying to do math at 4 in the morning because you're trying to figure out what you have left in your account and if you're going to be able to make it till you find a new job or (which should just happen) someone finally pays you what they owe you for work you did earlier in the summer/spring.

But God shows up.  In my depression and doubt, I've been struggling to pray because I just didn't feel like I had anything to say that would be any different than anything I've said before.  I've dealt with depression before, but usually I find comfort drawing closer to God.  This time I just felt like I was in O'Hare where they keep moving my gate and delaying my flight with no end in sight.  Thankfully, even though I've been feeling like everything is pointless and my life is starting to crumble about the edges, my friends and family stepped up.  Someone was always there to remind me that they loved me and had my back, and just as important, they were praying for me.  My friends, my family, my church...they kept praying.  They kept reminding me that someone good was on it's way.

Today, after getting stung by a bee, bit by a beetle, not being able to find job postings, and being told there was no longer a job opening at one of the places I was trying to apply to, I finally got a call back about a position that I really was hoping for.  I go in this coming Wednesday to go over the details of the offer and start the hiring process.  I could not be more grateful for this opportunity.  It's going to make me have to learn to flip my sleep schedule completely since I will be going to work extremely early in the morning, but I will be able to walk the 3 blocks to work from my house and by November I will have real health insurance.  This answers so many prayers and I am so grateful.

God showed up.  I need to start remembering that just because I don't think it's possible or am feeling like things are a lost cause, I am not the final say.  God can make it happen, and He's not going to abandon me when I need him most.  He will show up and He will come through for me.  I hope you can see that too and find your own popcorn jellybeans.


ps.  Favorite Things of This Very Moment (1:45 AM CST):

• John Mayer
• The Cat Who book series
• My Hawaiian Breeze fan
• The fact that the temperature seems to be dropping
• Knowing I get to go to Rockford with my family in the morning
• Major League (the movie)
• Handheld Tetris
• My large and wonderful hospital water bottle that keeps things cold for ages and ages
• That I'm actually tired and should be able to fall asleep pretty close to instantly after I get off this thing
• Recycling

Everything

"You have a specific responsibility to existence, to God if you like, to taste, touch, and smell what there is to experience.  You have to do everything.  If given an option between doing something and not doing it, you have to do it; because you've already don the 'not do it' part. This can be juvenile and dangerous, I realize, and there are a lot of things I have chosen not to do, for a million reasons.  I was raised polite.  I've never hurt anyone, except guys I was sparring or fighting with.  And I don't take needless risks.  The idea is to make it through intact; 'safety' is my  middle name.  But I feel that you owe it to the world to be curious.  Somebody asked me if I was looking for something.  I am looking for everything."

That quote is from Sam Sheridan's brilliant book A Fighter's Heart which I am currently reading and a bit in love with. I read it, and I see something of myself reflected back up at me.  I spend a lot of time in the "not do it" department of life, and I think I miss many things.  This is not who I planned to be, nor is it where I intend to remain.  I choose each day to do something more to make something new.

I too am looking for everything.

How will I find it?

One Last Thing Tonight

"But let me talk for one more minute. I have a vested interest in this thing because I'd like to see you be happy. What you need to ask yourself is this: Are you a better person when you're with him? Are you kinder or smarter or happier? Do you think you do more good in the world? ...One man can be perfectly fine, but maybe he doesn't bring out what's good in you, in which case I'd suggest you best not stay with him. But if you find a man who makes you better, or if your're better on your own, then you need to listen to that."
-Jeanne Ray, Step-Ball-Change

Hope

Kayla and Mara

Mara all wrapped up in the blanket I made for her. Isn't she beautiful?

Favorite things of this very moment (1:31 am EST):

• Having new books to read about relationships and marriage
• Ice cream with lots and lots and lots of added berries
• Sweet and unexpected letters from friends
• Knowing I will get to see Nikky & Yan on Wednesday!
• The sticker Regina handed me the other day that says "I did it for the cookie!"
• The 2 pictures I was sent of my new "niece" Maranatha Hope (as shown above)

I'm excited about having all these books to read about relationships, and I realized that it's not just because I'm an incurable romantic. It's because I want to be the best wife I can possibly be. Sure I'm going to screw up, and sure I have no idea when in the future the right guy will come along, but I do have hope. I know that eventually it will work itself out and God will bring the right guy into my life, and I know that when He does, I want to make sure that I'm as ready as I can be.

I remember when I was at ABC with Dan, and he knew he wanted to marry Rachel. Anyone that was around Dan for more than 3 minutes knew he was crazy in love with her, but it was more than that...Dan wanted to be the best husband he could be. I watched him work on being frugal, managing a budget, trying to take care of his health, and doing all he could to study and get through school with good grades and the knowledge he would need in order to be a good minister (which he is, by the way). On top of which, I know he read countless relationship books so that he could do his best to understand women, marriage, and most important, his beloved Rachel. I know the other guys thought he was a little crazy for doing this, but Dan knew what he wanted: Rachel. He knew that he was going to have to do all he could to make his marriage work, and he understand that she was something worth fighting for. I really do admire him for all of this.

Just yesterday I finished reading Joshua Harris' book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and while I'm not sure I 100% agree with everything he said about relationships, I do think he had a lot of really great points. I loved his intense focus on the importance of physical and emotional purity. I think most of us overlook emotional purity entirely, but he made the point that if you attach yourself to everyone all the time, there won't be much left of your heart for your spouse when they find you. Physical purity is pretty straightforward, you need to be constantly striving for physical purity. You gotta keep yourself out of temptation's path. Purity is a true gift to give another, and I want to strive to maintain my purity so that I'll have something truly rare and beautiful to give to my husband when we get married.

The other thing that really stuck with me, probably more so than any other single point, was his simple question: what are you doing to prepare for marriage? This got my thinking. Nikky and I have actually had this discussion a number of times: how can I become the best version of myself so that when I get married, I know that I am a whole person joining with another whole person in order to create something new and beautiful? I want to be doing all I can to make find the best of who and what I am so that I can share this with the man I marry. I want to make sure that I am financially independent, that I can stick to a budget, that I am capable of handling all the basic household issues that come up, and that I can truly love him with all that I am. I want to continue working to get rid of and clear out all my old baggage, and take better care of myself physically. I want to be someone that my husband can rely on and also that he can be proud of. I want to be someone that I can be proud of.

Just my thought for tonight.

Ann Arbor, MI

This will sound random, well, because it is more than anything else, random, but, never the less, I think if Nikky and I weren't moving to SC, we should move to Ann Arbor, MI. Now, my reason is a serious bit shallow, but I'm going to go with it: Borders 1 is there. Now, let's think about this a bit. If Borders 1 is in Ann Arbor, this means that whenever they do musicians or promote new books or movies, that's where they are. Borders 1 is the reason I knew who Paolo Nuatini was initially. I just finished watching a clip of when Wes Anderson and Jason Schwartzman were there promoting "The Darjeeling Limited," and all I could think was how incredible it would be to live in a place where you would actually get to see amazing musical acts and celebrities on a regular basis...just by being in a bookstore. Wow. Mind blowing a little bit.

Alright. That's really all I wanted to say.

Oh, that and I have cousins that live in Ann Arbor and my Aunt Maxine taught at a college there...that couldn't hurt.

Just a ponderable thought.

The Fear of Committment

Favorite things of this very moment (9:18 pm CST):

• Agnes & The Hitman by Jennifer Cruise and Bob Mayer (READ IT!)
• Carson's amazing ability to be just where I need him at the right time (you don't often get that anymore)
• That I'll have Landin's baby blanket done by Saturday (which means he should get it inside of a week!)
• Southern accents
• Ben trying to talk me into reading the Harry Potter series this summer, congratulating me on finally figuring out what I want to major in, dispensing advice as lovingly and sarcastically as always, being genuinely concerned with everything in my life, and generally just being that wonderful friend I'm so glad that I still have despite everything that potentially could have scared him off and/or driven him away
• Getting to talk to Nikky on the phone
• Knowing my Business final is my last one, that it's multiple choice, and that I'll be free when it's done tomorrow (YES!!!)
• Oh yes, and agreeing, for Ben, to read the Harry Potter series (finally) because he wants me to read them so he can talk to someone about them (someone, as he says, "that reads as much as I do")

My finals for this semester are done tomorrow. Yes!

The problem is...that's when real life begins. No, I'm not graduating from college (as if that will ever happen at the rate I'm going), but this does mark yet another step in making decisions. I hate making decisions.

I read an interesting quote the other night that said (and I'm really paraphrasing here) that one you commit it gives you the freedom to stop worrying about the decision and just enjoy where you are and what you've committed to whether it's a relationships, job, or just some random life choice in general. It sets you on a path and gives you the push to direct your life and set things in motion. That is what I need. Commitment.

It's ironic to me that the thing that I've accused so many men in my life for having is one thing I struggle with all the time, but never really considered: the fear of commitment.

Let me be honest, I am terrified of committing to something because if I commit to a major or going to a certain school or moving to a certain place...well, it means a great deal of change, and what if I don't like it? What if the decision turns out to be a bad one that makes me unhappy or that distracts me from whatever I should be doing with my life (like I know what that is)?

I need to suck it up and take it like a man (well, woman in my case)! And I need to commit. To something. To finishing a book. To choosing a major. To going to school. To getting a job. Anything and everything. To growing up. And to being more optimistic.

Life is going to change whether I want it to or not.

Troubled Waters

Favorite things of this very moment (4:11 pm CST):

• Coffee (with a little sugar, a lot of cinnamon, and a little vanilla soy milk)
• Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
• New Moon by Stephanie Meyer
• Dreaming about Edward in an excessively vague and text-esque sense which means I didn't have nightmares or really messed up dreams like I've been having all too often lately that leave me with less sleep than I started out with (well it seems that way)...man those books are great
• Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer
• Gummy bears
• Having the ability to stay up to all hours to read, but still have plenty of time to sleep and get much needed work done
• Peppermint tea
• Paying lots of attention to lyrics unlike my close friend and male counterpart, Mr. Laurent

The ache is back. The one that moves back and forth from my heart to the pit of my stomach (well more like just below the bottom of my rib cage where it seems to pulsate and radiate and make everything feel wrong) to my throat and back to my chest again where it feels so intense that I feel like I'll explode.

The Twilight series isn't helping me out in this department, but then again neither is the Jane Austen or Nicholas Sparks or Stardust or the Christian romance novels Grandma sent (duh!) or any of the other books I've read recently and enjoyed.

It will get better. One of these days the hole in my heart will have its missing piece. In the meantime, I need to find something I actually want to do and pursue it to the fullest.

Today, I took an excessively long, very hot shower because I kept slipping between memories and I guess I thought maybe it would wash it away. It didn't. Instead it seemed to just help it along. Reading New Moon in its entirety last night brought back a series of memories. Promises I was once given and had believed so freely. Promises that have never, and will never, be fulfilled...it brought back Jeff. Memories I try to keep buried to avoid days exactly like this.

It made me question my sanity for the 2nd time in two days. The first was brought on by truly seeing myself in Blanche's character in Tennessee Williams' play "A Streetcar Named Desire" which terrified me enough to skip the rest of my classes and go straight to wandering Shopko while talking to Nikky. I think she honestly worried about me having some kind of break down. I wasn't far from believing that as a possibility myself...

Then after reading New Moon, it brought Jeff back so quickly and easily that it startled me. Meyer uses a lot of "Romeo and Juliet" in the book. Many of Edwards words and Bella's reactions felt familiar. The ache Bella described, the pain she felt. They're here in me. This in and of itself completely upsets me.

Have I just been using all these guys as a placeholder? A Paris to my Juliet, if you will? A plan B? Not one of them deserved that. Clearly there is something wrong with me, with my heart.

Why do I still have all the memories and the promises locked inside my head? The promises that he would love and protect me forever. That he would never leave. Why have I been unable to find someone better for me without the feeling something is wrong? Apparently I haven't found the right guy yet, but what if it's worse than that? What if I really do love Jeff and no one else will ever bring me to life the way he did? What if he was supposed to be the One, but choose to take a different path? The path without me.

Ugh. I am so bitter and cynical today. Again. There is something so wrong with all of this.

Of course, this doesn't even begin to cover my anger with myself for being almost 22 but in no way self-sufficient. When did I let myself become such a coward?

Real

To be honest, Nikky, if (which I'm sure you will eventually) you are reading this, (what a poorly constructed sentence) you will find later on that all of this is said in my letters to you. I plan on still giving you these letters even though you'll probably read it all here first simply because I believe written copies are more coveted and honest and real and personal than anything I can possibly type here. I'm putting the following here so that if someone does stumble across this, they can consider it to. It's completely honest, so *shrugs* make of it what you will:

I'm reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, and it's really making me think. A lot. Maybe more than I want to just because it seems like Don is talking about me as much as he's talking about his own experiences. His feelings are my feelings, his words (though much more beautiful and brilliant than my own) are my words.

I'm about halfway through Blue Like Jazz. The line, "You are not above the charity of God," has haunted me all weekend. Like God's trying to convince me. I know it's true, but, like I've said before, pride is really an issue I have. It goes with growing up without much money. I've put on this tough kid facade. I was always picked on for being unfashionable, for having to eat hot lunch at school that the state paid for, for being different, for being a tomboy. It gave me an excuse to be tough about a lot of things. To not show emotion. Too proud to accept charity or help when I needed it mostly because I was never willing to show that I needed it. It just added to everything else. I never wanted to tell people I was struggling because I didn't want their pity, but the reality was, God was trying to provide for me. I just let pride get in the way. Why do we do these things? Or, more appropriately, why do I let myself do these thing?

In the chapter called Romance, I'm amazed to see so many of my own seemingly irrational fears in print. I'm terrified that I'll fall in love, get married and then my husband will realize he's made a mistake, or I'll realize I've made a mistake. I'm terrified of telling people how I feel about them, but mostly, I'm afraid once a guy sees me for all that I am...I'm afraid he'll run. I'm not perfect. I have a very dark, very unpleasant side which, I will admit, has had it's up's and down's in size and existence over the years, but still...it's very much alive and there.

And even worse, what if someone gets to know me and realizes I'm very fake. That sometimes I agree to ideas and functions without legitimate reasons or without fully understanding or hearing it out. What if he sees me for the spaz that I am, and realizes he can't deal with the fact that I rarely have the strength or stamina to see things through, and that I' not nearly as charming or witty or funny as he's believed. That sometimes I'm a liar in the fullest sense of the word. What then?

Then there was the chapter titled Alone. It's very real to me. The following paragraph makes more sense to me, and is more real, than almost anything I've read recently:

"I know about that feeling, that feeling of walking out into the darkness. When I lived alone it was very hard for me to be around people. I would leave parties early. I would leave church before worship was over so I didn't have to stand around and talk. The presence of people would agitate me. I was so used to being able to daydream and keep myself company that other people were an intrusion. It was terribly unhealthy."

When I went to Sauk initially, I lost touch. When I came home from ABC, I lost touch. Now, I'm working on maintaining contact! I've been the person Don is talking about in this paragraph. That was me. I had lost touch, but now I'm trying to grow out of that. I'm trying to be who God wants me to be because He never created me to lock myself away and be alone.

There is a quote by Marianne Williamson that I feel says it all as far as what God created us to be:

"Our deepest fear is not that we're inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world."

I love this quote. I have it in several different locations and in several different profiles on line because I want people to see it. I want to remember it, and I want others to realize its profound truth. We shouldn't play small. I shouldn't play small. I should live for others, not just me. I should be living for the community, the group, the people God places in my life. They are relevant and wonderful and real. And so am I.