Real

To be honest, Nikky, if (which I'm sure you will eventually) you are reading this, (what a poorly constructed sentence) you will find later on that all of this is said in my letters to you. I plan on still giving you these letters even though you'll probably read it all here first simply because I believe written copies are more coveted and honest and real and personal than anything I can possibly type here. I'm putting the following here so that if someone does stumble across this, they can consider it to. It's completely honest, so *shrugs* make of it what you will:

I'm reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, and it's really making me think. A lot. Maybe more than I want to just because it seems like Don is talking about me as much as he's talking about his own experiences. His feelings are my feelings, his words (though much more beautiful and brilliant than my own) are my words.

I'm about halfway through Blue Like Jazz. The line, "You are not above the charity of God," has haunted me all weekend. Like God's trying to convince me. I know it's true, but, like I've said before, pride is really an issue I have. It goes with growing up without much money. I've put on this tough kid facade. I was always picked on for being unfashionable, for having to eat hot lunch at school that the state paid for, for being different, for being a tomboy. It gave me an excuse to be tough about a lot of things. To not show emotion. Too proud to accept charity or help when I needed it mostly because I was never willing to show that I needed it. It just added to everything else. I never wanted to tell people I was struggling because I didn't want their pity, but the reality was, God was trying to provide for me. I just let pride get in the way. Why do we do these things? Or, more appropriately, why do I let myself do these thing?

In the chapter called Romance, I'm amazed to see so many of my own seemingly irrational fears in print. I'm terrified that I'll fall in love, get married and then my husband will realize he's made a mistake, or I'll realize I've made a mistake. I'm terrified of telling people how I feel about them, but mostly, I'm afraid once a guy sees me for all that I am...I'm afraid he'll run. I'm not perfect. I have a very dark, very unpleasant side which, I will admit, has had it's up's and down's in size and existence over the years, but still...it's very much alive and there.

And even worse, what if someone gets to know me and realizes I'm very fake. That sometimes I agree to ideas and functions without legitimate reasons or without fully understanding or hearing it out. What if he sees me for the spaz that I am, and realizes he can't deal with the fact that I rarely have the strength or stamina to see things through, and that I' not nearly as charming or witty or funny as he's believed. That sometimes I'm a liar in the fullest sense of the word. What then?

Then there was the chapter titled Alone. It's very real to me. The following paragraph makes more sense to me, and is more real, than almost anything I've read recently:

"I know about that feeling, that feeling of walking out into the darkness. When I lived alone it was very hard for me to be around people. I would leave parties early. I would leave church before worship was over so I didn't have to stand around and talk. The presence of people would agitate me. I was so used to being able to daydream and keep myself company that other people were an intrusion. It was terribly unhealthy."

When I went to Sauk initially, I lost touch. When I came home from ABC, I lost touch. Now, I'm working on maintaining contact! I've been the person Don is talking about in this paragraph. That was me. I had lost touch, but now I'm trying to grow out of that. I'm trying to be who God wants me to be because He never created me to lock myself away and be alone.

There is a quote by Marianne Williamson that I feel says it all as far as what God created us to be:

"Our deepest fear is not that we're inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world."

I love this quote. I have it in several different locations and in several different profiles on line because I want people to see it. I want to remember it, and I want others to realize its profound truth. We shouldn't play small. I shouldn't play small. I should live for others, not just me. I should be living for the community, the group, the people God places in my life. They are relevant and wonderful and real. And so am I.