When Late Night Brain Attacks!

Having just finished reading Dave Barry's wonderful Big Trouble for the 2nd or 3rd time, I should be in the post-good-book stupor, but instead my brain is thinking about other things. About unfinished letters to a man from Nebraska that I'll never send to ask honest questions he'll never answer. About how I'm less than 2 years from being 30 and still don't know what I want to do with my life and am seemingly no closer to being at peace with myself. About how my family and friends are better than I deserve especially after the final epic explosion and disintegration of my relationship with my boss in SC and my car officially becoming a death trap and the 30-40 flea bites I got from spending under 24 hrs in the house is spent the past 9 months living in and trying to rescue and clean up my kitten. And the fact that it's becoming less and less likely all the time that I'll ever get a chance to have kids let alone find someone to share my life with. 

What I don't get is why my brain can't think about these things during the day with the sunshine and coffee? Can't these thoughts wait till morning when I can sift through them properly?

I've decided that I want to be happy with my body by the time I turn 30, and I'm wondering if I should ever eat again. Ha. 

Somewhere inside my head I am trying to remind myself that I need to find a job, put up bookshelves, clean out my closet, actually unpack, resign from the job I love that has recently decided I don't matter enough to pay me, and actually do something good for myself. I've already had all my bad luck. It's time to just find the good and help it grow. 

Siiiiigh. Most of all, I need sleep. Maybe tonight I'll have better dreams. 

Everything

"You have a specific responsibility to existence, to God if you like, to taste, touch, and smell what there is to experience.  You have to do everything.  If given an option between doing something and not doing it, you have to do it; because you've already don the 'not do it' part. This can be juvenile and dangerous, I realize, and there are a lot of things I have chosen not to do, for a million reasons.  I was raised polite.  I've never hurt anyone, except guys I was sparring or fighting with.  And I don't take needless risks.  The idea is to make it through intact; 'safety' is my  middle name.  But I feel that you owe it to the world to be curious.  Somebody asked me if I was looking for something.  I am looking for everything."

That quote is from Sam Sheridan's brilliant book A Fighter's Heart which I am currently reading and a bit in love with. I read it, and I see something of myself reflected back up at me.  I spend a lot of time in the "not do it" department of life, and I think I miss many things.  This is not who I planned to be, nor is it where I intend to remain.  I choose each day to do something more to make something new.

I too am looking for everything.

How will I find it?

Learned

Things I learned yesterday:

• Jay was raised by centipedes
• Beans, Books and Beliefs is a fantastic coffee house
• Jay's songs sound even better live than they do on the recordings (so much talent in that one)
• Applebee's half price appetizers after 9 is a wonderful deal
• I now can recognize Barry Pepper.  He's in everything.  Honestly.
•  A bowl of bacon is a glorious thing
• (something that was simply reinforced) One way streets are of the devil
• Shady guys smoking cigarettes will probably not be a real threat to you if you have your car doors locked
• Having Heather with me when I get lost is hilarious
• "Young Frankenstien" is even hilarious when you can't hear any of the words
• My friend, Chris is, in theory, moving to Nashville in 2 weeks
• Jay & Donna (not the same Jay as my tall best friend who was raised by centipedes and who is an amazing musician) are absolutely hilarious and wonderful to have dinner with
• Bruce Campbell has a book called If Chins Could Kill (which Donna brought me this morning at church so that I could read it...glorious, glorious day)
• Canadian football is the weirdest thing...so similar to American football, but so very different
• A good commercial for light beer would point out that a person should drink light beer so they could save all the calories for when they eat bacon
• Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon
• The idea that there are 6 degrees of seperation to Kevin Bacon should be replaced by 6 degrees of seperation to Father Jeremy (still weird to call him that...I mean, I met him at a friend's party my freshman year of college...ha)
• Heather may have found a place to live in  Chicago
• Having a watch makes me happy
• Sometimes you really just want people to ask you the right questions
• That I really need to figure out what is best for me
• That Heather is a phenomenal friend (I knew this before, but it really was reinforced last night...I thank God for her every time I think of her)
• You can carry a rosary in your pocket
• My mom is the best and easiest person in the world to shop with
• Pop fluff can be used as another name for pastachio fluff
• Tennis shoes are lovely
• Heather doesn't really like John Mayer
• Having someone use one of your inside jokes from the stage and then sing a song you love is one of the coolest things ever
• Jay is someone to be incredibly proud of
• Bacon

One Last Thing Tonight

"But let me talk for one more minute. I have a vested interest in this thing because I'd like to see you be happy. What you need to ask yourself is this: Are you a better person when you're with him? Are you kinder or smarter or happier? Do you think you do more good in the world? ...One man can be perfectly fine, but maybe he doesn't bring out what's good in you, in which case I'd suggest you best not stay with him. But if you find a man who makes you better, or if your're better on your own, then you need to listen to that."
-Jeanne Ray, Step-Ball-Change