When Late Night Brain Attacks!

Having just finished reading Dave Barry's wonderful Big Trouble for the 2nd or 3rd time, I should be in the post-good-book stupor, but instead my brain is thinking about other things. About unfinished letters to a man from Nebraska that I'll never send to ask honest questions he'll never answer. About how I'm less than 2 years from being 30 and still don't know what I want to do with my life and am seemingly no closer to being at peace with myself. About how my family and friends are better than I deserve especially after the final epic explosion and disintegration of my relationship with my boss in SC and my car officially becoming a death trap and the 30-40 flea bites I got from spending under 24 hrs in the house is spent the past 9 months living in and trying to rescue and clean up my kitten. And the fact that it's becoming less and less likely all the time that I'll ever get a chance to have kids let alone find someone to share my life with. 

What I don't get is why my brain can't think about these things during the day with the sunshine and coffee? Can't these thoughts wait till morning when I can sift through them properly?

I've decided that I want to be happy with my body by the time I turn 30, and I'm wondering if I should ever eat again. Ha. 

Somewhere inside my head I am trying to remind myself that I need to find a job, put up bookshelves, clean out my closet, actually unpack, resign from the job I love that has recently decided I don't matter enough to pay me, and actually do something good for myself. I've already had all my bad luck. It's time to just find the good and help it grow. 

Siiiiigh. Most of all, I need sleep. Maybe tonight I'll have better dreams. 

If Only I Had a Chainsaw to Slice the Shark of my Brain in Two

And here is the part where my brain unravels and all that's left of me is a still-beating heart, memories tattooed into the cells, and desire...

This week I take up running (or an approximation), spend time in the sun to pick up color (something beyond grey and tired, please), and get the summer calendar together. Plus possibly work out a way to go back to school to finish the last 23 credits I need for my BA. 

These notions aren't as romantic as the first, but both are real and burning through my brain (or what's left at 3 AM). 

I'm tired of being the warning light for peoples' bad decisions. If I can see it, especially if we already had this discussion, why are you walking back into oncoming cars? Are you trying to cause an accident? Just stop. Stop. 

Tonight I got the ingredients for a couple experiments because I temporarily have a clean/safe place to play. Tonight it was Carmel bacon buns, and tomorrow I make homemade pizza rolls because I CAN. 

This week may also finally see the trash novel Jordan wants me to attempt coming to fruition. There are already a few brilliant working titles. Maybe it'll be worth publishing. Ah yes, my life reduced to an odd punch line for a joke no one bought. 

Somehow the only bit of tonight I want to hold to or dream about is the man who is a huge fan of bacon and the idea of traveling the world in a boat learning about sharks. 

Ted, again, was right in saying nothing good happens after 2 AM. Sleep. 

Friday Fun Day

Today is one of those days where I have a to-do list and I had things planned out, but nothing seems to be working quite right.  I planned on waking up early this morning, packing up my car, working till 5 and taking off.  While I was at work, I was going to finished editing the mailing list I'm working on, and Glennis told me she was going to come in and look through the envelopes so I could send out the mailing.

I woke up late.  I did pack my car up.  I'll probably be here at work for another 20 minutes, but I the mailing list won't be finished (guess who probably won't get sleep again tonight!  Woot!), and Glennis sent me a text this morning saying she was going upstate to help Kaitlyn with a project this morning.  This was fine, but then they got a flat tire coming back, so she won't make it back in time to look at the letters and I definitely won't get paid today.

Something about not actually being fully paid for the 4th week or so in a row really starts making you wonder what kind of security you really have.  Or it could just be that some things really feel better when they're on schedule.  When you know how much money you should be seeing and you end up with half of that...it's a little disheartening.  Makes it hard to budget correctly or get bills paid on time.

*sigh*  It will be fine.

Of course, I also, so briefly, thought maybe I'd finally figured out why a guy I know doesn't speak much to me.  I thought maybe he'd never received any of the letters I've sent over the past 4 years, but had seen notes show up for most of our other mutual acquaintances.  I thought maybe all this quiet was just because he thought I'd been ignoring him, and I could fix it.  Nope, he got my letters...he just is that quiet.  I over-think everything.

Somehow I feel like a balloon that's been leaking helium all day.  I was floating so cheerfully this morning.  Heading up, and now I'm slowly drifting down.  Maybe it's a caffeine crash.  I got plenty of sleep.

Instead of focusing on all the negative, let's focus on something good to wrap up with tale of whine and woe.

Favorite things of this very moment (4:48 PM EST):

• A quiet place to whine
• That I can text and use the interwebz at work
• Getting as much of the mailing list done as I did
• Knowing I should get some time in the sunshine over the weekend
• Knowing I should get to see Cheat & fam this weekend
• "Easy A" & "The Rocker" both being in my suitcase
• Chocolate Zico for the road
• Margie from the post office always being willing to take the time to answer my questions
• Small miracles
• White lace shoes
• Being almost done with the work day
• That it's Friday

Average Girl, Attractive Guy & a Baby

Favorite things of this moment (2:38 PM EST):

• The coffee/sugar/coconut milk combo I have in a giant QT glass that I've been drinking down all morning
• Having gotten the most important check written today
• Knowing there's a new laptop still at home awaiting my continued gradual transfer of music and files
• Having both my checks deposited this morning (I can finally go buy a lamp and possibly something healthy for me to stash to snack on!)
• Encouraging emails from Kimmie
• The residual effects of a good dream last night
• Agnes & the Hitman (I hope there's never a time when that book doesn't crack me up)
• Finding articles like this one that help me remember what I'm trying to change
• Knowing the Children of Change letter is getting out there to people (and that @CofChange is starting to slowly get a following and hopefully soon I won't be the only one looking at the tweets)

I've decided (not really) that I should write a sitcom based around an average looking girl and an attractive guy who are nannies for a semi-rich family.  It will follow them around on their chores and the different activities, and the girl will be attracted (duh) to the attractive guy because he's wonderful with the kid and straight and funny and understands the importance of using coupons.  As the show progresses the guy will realize he's attracted to the girl (though she's average in appearance) because she's great with the kid and funny and kind and bakes delicious pies and secretly writes a blog that she tries to keep from most people she knows.  The family they nanny for will actually be college friends who made good in the nerd-circuits of the world and run one of the Comic-Con-esque events and will both be kind and funny and observant enough to realize their brilliant plan to get their friends together is working, and that will be the basis of the show.  

It's brilliant.  Right?  I mean, I'd watch it. (And this show will have absolutely nothing to do with me having silly but wonderful dreams about babysitting for my nephew Ki with an incredibly attractive acquaintance of mine...)