A Little Too Ironic

My head is pounding and I really should be asleep, but today has been incredibly strange. I went to the doctor today because Mom, Forrest, and I all thought we had strep. Thankfully none of us have strep, but we all are getting over the flu. I was actually told that I'm to stay home from work tomorrow to continue to heal. It's been a little unreal. I love the irony of getting the flu after having had the flu shot over a month ago (and yes I do know that the flu vaccine only covers a certain things blah blah blah). 

My boss called to check up on me as we were coming back from the doctor which was handy considering I was going to have to call him. He was trying to find out how I was doing and to see if I'm really okay with the fact I'm going to have to work this Sunday and miss church. Nope, I'm not okay with it, but I understand. Short of quitting there's not much to be done. He handled my being sick pretty well though. I've got a good boss. I work with good people. I just am going crazy missing church all the time and never feeling like I've slept or seen friends. I feel isolated and miserable. I need a new job before I go crazy. 

On the upside, I spent most of my day reading, coughing, blowing my nose, and not moving on the couch. I still have a killer headache, but more sleep will help. Plus, today Crown Publishing told me I won a tote bag which made me happy and then my health insurance card showed up. Ha. Timing is everything. 

Plus today I looked in my stocking, at Mom's prompting (we've been using them as mailboxes), and I had a really sweet note from her plus a Greek phrase book. She knows my heart. 

Maybe this Christmas feels like a fractured mess because work has managed to take most of the things I love most out of my reach, but maybe the little pockets of joy will hold it all together. I could still really use a Christmas miracle, but considering my tremendous luck this year...I'm not holding my breath, but God only knows how much I'd love to be proven wrong. 

On that note, I'll leave you my list and try to sleep:

Favorite Things of this Very Moment (11:07 PM CST):

• Knowing I can sleep through all of tomorrow if I want to

• Chinese paper lanterns

• Getting Rid of Bradley by Jennifer Crusie

• Mulligan's admirable persistence 

• Calle's decision to get me the "pillow" I want for Christmas

• Soft kleenex 

• Christmas lights

• Not being financially destroyed by the visit to the doctor

• My remarkable family

Would You Know Me Without the Mask?

There's nothing quite so soul-emptying as trying to convey something to someone else and having them suddenly realize the version of you they have always thought was you is, in fact, only a hidden door which you just opened up and now suddenly they find themselves faced with part of you that makes them wonder if, perhaps, you're actually a little crazy.

Ha.

Yes.  I am crazy.  At least a little.  I tend to get fixated on an idea or concept that fascinates me and need to talk to someone about it.  I just need someone I trust to bring up weird stuff with and have them actually respond somehow.

Do you have any idea how hard that is to do?  Do you have any idea how many texts, emails, letters, notes I will never send?  Do you have any idea how hard it is to be locked up inside yourself because you are pretty sure that if people really knew who you were or what interested you or lit you up or confused you that they would think you're joking or crazy or maybe they'd decide they didn't want to know you?

You probably do.  Because, if we're being honest, we're all pretty good at hiding who we are or what we think or feel depending on what we want people to think of us.  It's tiring isn't it?

I just want to sleep.


Favorite things of this very moment (8:48 PM CST):

• "So At Last" by Butch Walker
• A Natural History of Love by Diane Ackerman (I also kinda hate this book)
• Knowing tomorrow will actually start the hiring process for Pinecrest and that I should, barring incident, have a real job soon
• My fan
• Unsweetened ice tea in an old QT cup (nice to have bits from all my homes and travels in one place)
• The feeling of success from making eggplant Parmesan for the first time ever this evening 

Seeing This Side of Morning

I love that at 2:05 AM my brain is not only awake, but it is trying to tell me I'm a failure. This children--THIS--is why you should go to bed at a normal time. Like 11 maybe. It will help you avoid talks with yourself at 2 in the morning where you find yourself pointing out every time you failed again today. All the points where you let the bad in, the to-do's you managed to forget, the resolve you lost, the bills you still haven't paid. 

Why can't my brain focus on the good things: finding out a friend of mine wishes he could race for the rest of his life, realizing how close to complete the Children of Change website is, a peach milkshake, Dean "makin' pie," planning a run for tomorrow, getting travel plans figured out for my trip home in June...

Why can't I just hold myself together for a day? Why can't I just get my head around this idea of taking care of myself so that I don't end up diabetic or have the pancreatitis come back and so that, if I ever find a good guy and settle down, I could maybe actually have kids?

I just get so frustrated that even with the list I have of reasons...I still let myself down every day. I am a mess. 

But it's 2:16 AM, and this means it's a new day. I am calling for a restart. Let's try this again. 

Friday Fun Day

Today is one of those days where I have a to-do list and I had things planned out, but nothing seems to be working quite right.  I planned on waking up early this morning, packing up my car, working till 5 and taking off.  While I was at work, I was going to finished editing the mailing list I'm working on, and Glennis told me she was going to come in and look through the envelopes so I could send out the mailing.

I woke up late.  I did pack my car up.  I'll probably be here at work for another 20 minutes, but I the mailing list won't be finished (guess who probably won't get sleep again tonight!  Woot!), and Glennis sent me a text this morning saying she was going upstate to help Kaitlyn with a project this morning.  This was fine, but then they got a flat tire coming back, so she won't make it back in time to look at the letters and I definitely won't get paid today.

Something about not actually being fully paid for the 4th week or so in a row really starts making you wonder what kind of security you really have.  Or it could just be that some things really feel better when they're on schedule.  When you know how much money you should be seeing and you end up with half of that...it's a little disheartening.  Makes it hard to budget correctly or get bills paid on time.

*sigh*  It will be fine.

Of course, I also, so briefly, thought maybe I'd finally figured out why a guy I know doesn't speak much to me.  I thought maybe he'd never received any of the letters I've sent over the past 4 years, but had seen notes show up for most of our other mutual acquaintances.  I thought maybe all this quiet was just because he thought I'd been ignoring him, and I could fix it.  Nope, he got my letters...he just is that quiet.  I over-think everything.

Somehow I feel like a balloon that's been leaking helium all day.  I was floating so cheerfully this morning.  Heading up, and now I'm slowly drifting down.  Maybe it's a caffeine crash.  I got plenty of sleep.

Instead of focusing on all the negative, let's focus on something good to wrap up with tale of whine and woe.

Favorite things of this very moment (4:48 PM EST):

• A quiet place to whine
• That I can text and use the interwebz at work
• Getting as much of the mailing list done as I did
• Knowing I should get some time in the sunshine over the weekend
• Knowing I should get to see Cheat & fam this weekend
• "Easy A" & "The Rocker" both being in my suitcase
• Chocolate Zico for the road
• Margie from the post office always being willing to take the time to answer my questions
• Small miracles
• White lace shoes
• Being almost done with the work day
• That it's Friday