I Can Haz Wizard?

Picture by Jon H. Cheatwood
at the Jacob & Amber Ballard wedding reception
on June 9, 2012

So much is happening in my life these days.  This statement seems ironic considering I was told today that I have to stay out of work for roughly one more week so that my back will heal properly, but even with that holding me up from working and running around like normal, life is busy.

A week ago today I was trying to make sure a group of boys was recovering from a party, locating a dress for a rehearsal for an incredible wedding (and succeeding for the first time ever to locate a dress I loved this much so quickly), falling a little bit in love with someone while cheerfully realizing all my feelings for someone else had genuinely been erased by his stupidity and poor decision making skills, indulging my femininity, trying to make sure everything that needed to be down was done, trying to figure out what I needed to say in my toast, doing laundry, and thanking God for Jordan Durham every chance I got.  It was a crazy day, but I loved it.

Every minute of that week made me feel alive and necessary.  I was being asked to run errands, for my opinion, to help with things, to organize, to fix situations, to visit people, and I was highly in demand and desired.  I want every day for that to be the case.  Sure that life is a little crazy, but in Ohio I knew I had purpose.

For the past few months, well, for the past year or so really, I have been trying to figure out what I should be working towards in my life with little real break in the case.  When I was traveling in April, it was suggested by a variety of people that I move to South Carolina, Ohio, and back to Atlanta.  I have been thinking about that ever since.  At this point, I think I have figured out where I will be heading next, and I am beginning the process of making it happen.

My goal is to be moving in September.  I have no idea how to make that happen quite yet, but I do know that I will be attempting to save money this summer and looking for work in my new location.  I will also need to start truly downsizing.  I do not need to move so much junk.  I don't need to own so much junk.  Hopefully I will be able to donate many things to people who will love them more than I will, and it will be glorious.

Be praying on all fronts I guess.  I am thrilled to be rid of one ridiculous and destructive relationship, and I am hoping to eventually jump into a relationship with a real man.  This year, my twenty-sixth year, is already causing all kinds of havoc and change, and as messy as it already is and as scary as a move will be, it is time.  I am going to step out in faith and see where God lets me land.

One last thing, I have just this afternoon finished a new mix for my amazing, hilarious Jordan (mail is heading your way soon, my friend).  I hope he enjoys it, and I hope you will too.

I Can Haz Wizard?:
1. Daylight - Matt & Kim
2. Anna Molly - Incubus
3. Live My Life - Far East Movement feat. Justin Beiber
4. She Can Get It - Kevin Rudolf
5. And I - Box Car Racer
6. She Talks to Angels - The Black Crows
7. Down - Blink-182
8. We Use to Wait - Arcade Fire
9. Near Enough - Metasomatic
10. Good Arms vs. Bad Arms - Frightened Rabbit
11. Bitter - Teddy Geiger
12. Kiss on Me - Tyler Hilton
13. Edge of Desire - John Mayer
14. 2:00 Your Time - Ace Troubleshooter
15. I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz
16. Heart of Me - Green River Ordinance
17. Secrets - OneRepublic
18. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
19. Tomorrow Will Be Kinder - The Secret Sisters
20. Wish You Were Here - Incubus

Learned

Things I learned yesterday:

• Jay was raised by centipedes
• Beans, Books and Beliefs is a fantastic coffee house
• Jay's songs sound even better live than they do on the recordings (so much talent in that one)
• Applebee's half price appetizers after 9 is a wonderful deal
• I now can recognize Barry Pepper.  He's in everything.  Honestly.
•  A bowl of bacon is a glorious thing
• (something that was simply reinforced) One way streets are of the devil
• Shady guys smoking cigarettes will probably not be a real threat to you if you have your car doors locked
• Having Heather with me when I get lost is hilarious
• "Young Frankenstien" is even hilarious when you can't hear any of the words
• My friend, Chris is, in theory, moving to Nashville in 2 weeks
• Jay & Donna (not the same Jay as my tall best friend who was raised by centipedes and who is an amazing musician) are absolutely hilarious and wonderful to have dinner with
• Bruce Campbell has a book called If Chins Could Kill (which Donna brought me this morning at church so that I could read it...glorious, glorious day)
• Canadian football is the weirdest thing...so similar to American football, but so very different
• A good commercial for light beer would point out that a person should drink light beer so they could save all the calories for when they eat bacon
• Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon
• The idea that there are 6 degrees of seperation to Kevin Bacon should be replaced by 6 degrees of seperation to Father Jeremy (still weird to call him that...I mean, I met him at a friend's party my freshman year of college...ha)
• Heather may have found a place to live in  Chicago
• Having a watch makes me happy
• Sometimes you really just want people to ask you the right questions
• That I really need to figure out what is best for me
• That Heather is a phenomenal friend (I knew this before, but it really was reinforced last night...I thank God for her every time I think of her)
• You can carry a rosary in your pocket
• My mom is the best and easiest person in the world to shop with
• Pop fluff can be used as another name for pastachio fluff
• Tennis shoes are lovely
• Heather doesn't really like John Mayer
• Having someone use one of your inside jokes from the stage and then sing a song you love is one of the coolest things ever
• Jay is someone to be incredibly proud of
• Bacon

Try New Things

Let's start with an old thing that I love to do, my favorite things of this very moment list (11:28 am CST edition):

• John Denver, John Mayer, and Jay Laurent's music
• Folder's Hazelnut bistro (or something some name like that) coffee with a little sugar and some milk
• My beautiful Fujifilm S 3000 digital camera
• Amazon.com
• The Visual bookshelf application on facebook
• Getting a call first thing this morning to get question on various things Kayla likes and what I think about various things for her bridal shower at the church next Monday night and then also getting asked to lead games...ha. More on that later.
• "Covered in Rain" by John Mayer

I decided that while Nikky and Kayla are both at FUEL I will attempt to do as many new things as I can this week. This is mostly a mental ploy on my part to keep myself from getting frumpy and whiny and too bored while my best friends are at FUEL. Besides, who doesn't know the magic of trying new things? They always seem to pull you out of a rut and sometimes help you understand yourself a little better, so onto new things.

Let's start with the one that's probably my favorite this morning: Getting a semi-famous musicians cell number. Yes, that's right. Brandon Clark gave me his number. I probably shouldn't publicize that. He might have crazy stalker fans. That would be bad, but I'm just so excited that I actually have his number and that the next time I'm in the south or I know he's in town I can actually call him and see him. It's kinda the coolest thing ever. Besides, this means Nikky will actually get to meet him in person one of these days! Party! Bonus!

Last night I took the first of what will hopefully be a series of Ned Flanders Photos. Oh yes. I have plans for him. He's going to travel with me this week. Show people just how exciting my life is. Hahahaha.

Spent some time this morning on www.beehiveco-op.com. Made myself a little sick looking at the prices of their clothes, but really like the concept and the way everything looks. Maybe one of these days I won't feel insanely guilty for just looking at the stuff on the site and maybe I'll actually purchase myself an outfit.

Gail Tuttle called me this morning and asked me a bunch of questions about Kayla's preferences on snacks for the church bridal shower for her, and I realized I am losing all that I know about Kayla. This week I'll be working on some Kayla Appreciation Projects. I started working on a mix for her last night and hopefully I'll have at least 2 for her by the time she comes home. I also determined that I need to buy some Arbor Mist for her couples bridal shower (which I am tempted to tell Jay he should go with me to except for the fact that we're not a couple and I don't know if it's healthy to even in the back of my mind somewhere always feel like we should be even though I know we never will be and that it's probably just as well...sheesh). But back to the church bridal shower, Gail asked me to lead the games. I agreed. Yeah. Maybe I'm crazy, but this is for my Kayladrew and I'd do just about anything in the world for her, so we'll see how that goes. Gail was going to try to come up with some games and I'm going to lead them. I wish Kayla was home so that I could make sure this is what she wants, but she's at FUEL and I'm going to leave her be to enjoy her week.

Hopefully the new things will continue. I'll do what I can to make sure they happen. :) More as this develops.

The Fickle Hell-Beast

Favorite things of this very moment:

• Borders
• Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer
• Jane Austen books (and the movies made from)
• Eyeliner
• New shampoo & conditioner
• Edward Cullen (and all pictures thereof)
• Jacob Black
• New books
• When Jay and I trade books
• "An Obscure Permanence" by Metasomatic

Recently Forrest was talking and he called something, I honestly don't remember what it was, a "fickle hell-beast." That...totally cracked me up. That term...it's brilliant. The question that when through my head then was: relationships.

What's more ridiculous and tormenting that dealing with the opposite sex? Seriously. Just think about it. Is there anything more tormenting (short of actual physical pain and suffering) than the struggles dealt with by those in love (or trying to head in that general direction)? I can't think of any. I think heartbreak is where the whole fickle hell-beast thing really shows it's true colors.

As my momma likes to say, "Love isn't just blind...it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid." We walk right into the open jaws of that monster, and many times we walk there willingly. What fools we mortals truly are...

Just a point to ponder.

Tormented

Favorite things of this very moment (10:17 am CST):

• New poetry to read from friends
• Sunshine
• New Moon by Stephanie Meyers
• Knowing I have one solid job and a paycheck coming tomorrow
• My cell phone
• Comfy pj's

I got back from Heather's on Monday night and just sat on the front porch for a long time staring up at the moon. Somehow my world felt like it was crashing again. I wish I could say that was unusual, but my brain and heart like to have violent reactions one a regular basis, apparently Monday night was no exception.

I had spent most of my afternoon on Monday rereading Twilight while listening to Metasomatic's cd. I was already on edge. I spent 4 hours at work zoning out and trying to understand all that had happened over the course of the last week. I just couldn't get my mind around it, and then I go to Heather's and watch "27 Dresses" (which was cute, cheesy, and incredibly predictable) which somehow just seemed to remind me that I've allowed my life to really slide right off track. Too much focusing on all the wrong things. It was virtually the tipping point.

So...we're back where we started, my front porch. I spent quite awhile just trying to frame my state of mind. God and I had another one of our long heart to hearts where I try to put my feelings into some kind of coherent mess of words. I'm glad He knows what I mean.

It's just very frustrating. You spend so much time with someone and they give you all these wonderful feelings and little cues that make you think that maybe, just maybe, this time it will be different. That you're not so crazy after all and maybe, just maybe, they might actually care for you.

But the truth is...I just don't know.

And I guess it's that uncertainty which is going to pull me right back into curling up and reading books for most of today and pretending that I understand anything at all about life or love or anything. Maybe I'll hear my answer if I listen hard enough...or at least get myself out of the way so that God actually has a chance to speak to me. Let's hope.