How You Ever Gonna Know

Everything is exactly the same tonight, but that's really just the surface.  My room is still a complete train wreck with it's overflow of boxes, blankets, books, and papers, but I'm not the same.

I've been sitting here for the past several hours listening to a warped array of music from Ella Fitzgerald to The Features to a little Garth Brooks and slowly letting it sink in that in less than a month I will no longer live here.  It scares the living bejeebers out of me.  I have lived with my folks for the past 26 years (not including the 18 months I lived in Atlanta for school), and I am realizing I have no idea what I'm doing.

Over the past several months I have spent a lot of time talking to God and trying to truly trust him.  I know he's not going to drop me on my head, and I know this little tug in my heart pulling me forward is from him...I just wish I wasn't still struggling to believe.

Going to Ohio is the right thing to do.  I need to force myself out.  To take this next step.  To have faith that even if it seems insane, this will prove to be something amazing.  God isn't going to let me down.

Tonight I will take a couple more deep breaths.  I will work the sleep out of my curled up right leg, and I will add a few more to-do's to my to-do list.  I will hold God's promises to my heart knowing He's got only my best in mind, and also holding to the thought that there are many more good deeds to be done and hearts to be warmed.

Good things will come of this bit of insanity, even if it's not what I'm expecting.

Wish me luck,
J

ps.  Favorite Things of This Very Moment (10:41 pm):

• Newly photocopied recipes to try
• Slipper boots
• Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie
• Names
• To-do lists
• Sleep leaving my legs
• Dangly silver earrings
• Hope

I Can Haz Wizard?

Picture by Jon H. Cheatwood
at the Jacob & Amber Ballard wedding reception
on June 9, 2012

So much is happening in my life these days.  This statement seems ironic considering I was told today that I have to stay out of work for roughly one more week so that my back will heal properly, but even with that holding me up from working and running around like normal, life is busy.

A week ago today I was trying to make sure a group of boys was recovering from a party, locating a dress for a rehearsal for an incredible wedding (and succeeding for the first time ever to locate a dress I loved this much so quickly), falling a little bit in love with someone while cheerfully realizing all my feelings for someone else had genuinely been erased by his stupidity and poor decision making skills, indulging my femininity, trying to make sure everything that needed to be down was done, trying to figure out what I needed to say in my toast, doing laundry, and thanking God for Jordan Durham every chance I got.  It was a crazy day, but I loved it.

Every minute of that week made me feel alive and necessary.  I was being asked to run errands, for my opinion, to help with things, to organize, to fix situations, to visit people, and I was highly in demand and desired.  I want every day for that to be the case.  Sure that life is a little crazy, but in Ohio I knew I had purpose.

For the past few months, well, for the past year or so really, I have been trying to figure out what I should be working towards in my life with little real break in the case.  When I was traveling in April, it was suggested by a variety of people that I move to South Carolina, Ohio, and back to Atlanta.  I have been thinking about that ever since.  At this point, I think I have figured out where I will be heading next, and I am beginning the process of making it happen.

My goal is to be moving in September.  I have no idea how to make that happen quite yet, but I do know that I will be attempting to save money this summer and looking for work in my new location.  I will also need to start truly downsizing.  I do not need to move so much junk.  I don't need to own so much junk.  Hopefully I will be able to donate many things to people who will love them more than I will, and it will be glorious.

Be praying on all fronts I guess.  I am thrilled to be rid of one ridiculous and destructive relationship, and I am hoping to eventually jump into a relationship with a real man.  This year, my twenty-sixth year, is already causing all kinds of havoc and change, and as messy as it already is and as scary as a move will be, it is time.  I am going to step out in faith and see where God lets me land.

One last thing, I have just this afternoon finished a new mix for my amazing, hilarious Jordan (mail is heading your way soon, my friend).  I hope he enjoys it, and I hope you will too.

I Can Haz Wizard?:
1. Daylight - Matt & Kim
2. Anna Molly - Incubus
3. Live My Life - Far East Movement feat. Justin Beiber
4. She Can Get It - Kevin Rudolf
5. And I - Box Car Racer
6. She Talks to Angels - The Black Crows
7. Down - Blink-182
8. We Use to Wait - Arcade Fire
9. Near Enough - Metasomatic
10. Good Arms vs. Bad Arms - Frightened Rabbit
11. Bitter - Teddy Geiger
12. Kiss on Me - Tyler Hilton
13. Edge of Desire - John Mayer
14. 2:00 Your Time - Ace Troubleshooter
15. I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz
16. Heart of Me - Green River Ordinance
17. Secrets - OneRepublic
18. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
19. Tomorrow Will Be Kinder - The Secret Sisters
20. Wish You Were Here - Incubus

The Joys of a Spring Vacation

Amber "surfing" at CWS last year while moving our luggage about.

Yes, it's that time of year again folks!

It's time for Christian Workers Seminar!  Once again in Pigeon Forge, TN, we will be having a ridiculous and rollicking time.  Of course, I can't speak for the people actually attending the event, but I do know that the little ones who will be in my group will.  I am in charge of child care again this year with Amber, and this year we're adding Shelby Upton to the mix.  Should be a hilarious good time.  Our kids will be learning about God, eating snacks, doing a lot of coloring, watching great movies, and generally just having a great time as kids should at things like this.  Parents won't have to worry about where their munchkins are, and I won't have to worry about being bored or about how long I will be busy or anything else.  It will be a lovely little vacation.

I leave on Sunday.  I cannot wait.

I miss Amber and Kimmie and Garble and everyone, so CWS will be a good way to spend some time catching up as well as getting some sight seeing or just general running around it.  Plus, I get to celebrate both Jake and Amber's 21st birthdays with them while we're there.  That will be hilarious and great.  Kimmie and I are taking them out to dinner on their birthdays.  Plus, Jake is bringing Munchkin, so we'll have games to play.  I seriously can't wait.

After CWS, I am going down to Atlanta for a few days to move the rest of my stuff out of the apartment.  That makes me a little sad actually, but at this point, I'm not seeing me heading back to ABC to finish.  Not any time soon anyway.  On the plus side, I will get to spend time with Regina, Marcus, Jack, Mitch, The Cheat and the rest of the family and the ABC crew.  I'll be making a Felini's run as well.  I miss that place.

Conor.  :)  What a stud.

Then, the last leg of my trip will be spent in Ohio where I will be staying with Amber.  Hopefully I'll get to help with some wedding stuff while I am there, and, what I'm most excited about: I'll get to meet my nephew, Conor!  I haven't seen Nikky since she and Yan's wedding last August, so it feels like forever since I've seen her.  I can't wait to see her and meet the little man.  The pictures of him are great, but I want to get to hold the real deal, and have actual face to face conversations with his lovely mother.  It's hard to live so far away from them.

This trip will be such amazing things.  Exactly what I need to shake up my bizarre sense of complacency and start something new.

Because My Life Is Not A Movie

"Best Thing That You Never Had" has been playing in my head a lot lately, but I am asking myself if that is really true.  Am I really the best thing?

I have my doubts.

This past weekend I was at Refuge in IN.  It was a wonderful weekend because I got to see a lot of people who I find myself desperately missing on a near constant basis anymore.  My beloved sisters/friends/roommates Amber & Kim, my dear brother/friend Jake, my amazing cousin Hilary, my hilarious uncle Jon, and my good friend Jordan, to name just a few.  These people make me feel home.

Over the weekend, Amber and I's good friend, Jeff asked her how she knew Jake was "the One."  Her answer was perfect.  She told Jeff that no matter where they are, to her, Jake feels like home.

That's what I want.

So this is the thing, maybe he doesn't know it yet, and maybe he never will know, but this is what he's missing: ME.

He will be missing out on me getting up early to make monkey bread or pancakes so that he would have a hot breakfast before he leaves the house.  He is missing me singing all day every day anything at all that makes my heart happy or speaks to my soul.  He will be missing the mix cds that tell him just how incredible he is to me when I can no longer find the words.  He will miss my hands and everything they are capable of.  He will miss my laughter and my constant encouragement as he pursues his dreams.  He will be missing my creative pies and how fun I am to work with in the kitchen.  He will be missing my smile and my constant willingness to do laundry and help with dishes.  He will miss how good I am with his dog when no one else is.  He will miss my sweet sewing skills and my creative ability to recycle everything and find the beauty in everything and everyone.  He will miss my notes and letters.  He will miss my lips on his neck and the number of times I say I love you.  He will miss my passion and my adoration and how completely gorgeous and perfect I think he is and have always (since that Han Solo costume the night we met) and always will.

I hope he misses me.

I feel a million things and nothing all at the same time.  My life is not a movie or this would be well on its way to being resolved.  Instead, he's going to go marry a girl that even his family seems nervous about, and I am going to listen to Jason Mraz sing "I Won't Give Up" a million times and try to find a new dream.

Lucky

I miss that boy.  Well, I miss all three of those boys, but mostly I miss the one on the left.  He was closer to my heart than anyone had been in such a long time.  I loved high laughter and the crazy faces he made.  I loved talking about poetry and art and God and relationships and family with him.  I loved that he would with me luck and he was my own personal lucky cricket.  I loved that we use to talk late into the night about everything and anything.  He had my heart in his hand, and I don't think he ever knew it.

Now...it has been a long time since we've had a real talk.  Probably not since he was with me at FUEL this past summer.  That was maybe the best week I ever had.  Even better than CWS last spring or my first FUEL.  I miss my friend.  

What I hate though is that I still feel a little undone when I see pictures of him or here news of him.  It gets less painful and less noticeable with time, but it still aches.  I sometimes wish things could have stayed the same, but it's not my place or my path.  He's not meant to be one of the main characters of my story.  Maybe he's just someone who was a key element of my back story or something that pushed me in the right direction.  

He did teach me some things about myself that maybe I wouldn't have realized otherwise.  He taught me that you have to be willing to fight things out till the end and that just because someone touches your soul doesn't mean that they'll ever let you see their's.  Just because someone tells you that you're important doesn't mean anything if they can't back it up with their actions.  And I learned that I need to be needed, and I need someone to see me as beautiful.  I should not be doing all the work or be giving all the compliments and kindnesses.  You can only be in love alone for so long before it starts destroying who you really are.  Sometimes you really do just have to let go and run.  You gotta see if someone's gonna follow you, and you have to accept it when it becomes apparent that they don't even notice that you're gone.

Sometimes the hardest thing to take is the truth: they never loved you.  You weren't important...not to them.

And that's when I realized something else, just because he never saw me, it doesn't mean that I'm not important.  

I am important.  I am loved.

This last picture is from last Christmas.  Just before break we had a Christmas part at the college.  I have loved this picture every single time I have looked at it because it reminds me of the general hilarity and awesomeness of the people who truly do love and miss me.  You've got Amber in the middle there who was about a second and a half from cracking up entirely because of a. Garble's hilarious reaction to Mitch's present and b. to the general silliness of the fart noises being made the the putty Mitch had been given as a gift.  I am reminded of Mitch sitting next to me on the couch making us all laugh, and I remember all the sing-a-longs and the fact we got Kristen involved super quickly with everything and that even though I'd never really met her, I loved her almost instantly because she's just an awesome girl.  I remember Regina and I making faces while Mitch took pictures and I remember Cynthia being hilarious and insane while playing ERS with us.  I remember that I am loved and missed by more people than many can ever hope to know, and I am reminded of how lucky I am.  

I may not be married or have kids yet.  I may not have traveled to Prague or France or China or Rome or any of the places I have always wanted to go to.  I may not have an important job out in the public eye or having my Bachelor's in theology from ABC or anything really beyond my Associates in Arts in English from a local community college painted gray.  I may not speak a foreign language or have published a book (or even finished one yet).  I may not live in my own home or even have a guy who thinks I'm what he wants in life.

I may not be a lot of things or have accomplished the things I expected to by 25, but...

I am loved.  And I love many people.  I am truly living up to my beautiful name: Jaymin.  I am "lucky" and I am a "special helper" to many people and I am "good luck" for many.  May that never change.

We're going to make it.  And this Christmas is going to be beautiful.  It already is.

I Am Loved

Beautiful letter care package sent to me by Kim, Amber, Hilary, Regina,  Garble & Jeff

 I am so loved.  The picture above is the care package that came for me last week.  It came with instructions on when I could read each my beautiful letters and gave me a full week of love from some of the crew down at ABC who I dearly love and miss.  I have been writing letters back the rest of the week.  Every time I look at those letters or that envelope or write a letter back...it is impossible not to feel like I could explode because of how incredibly loved and filled with love I really am.  It blows me away, and it's a joy to know that I am as loved and missed by these amazing people as I love and miss them.

Amy holding Mara with Colton & I

Mara & Colton holding hands...how cute is that?

 The two previous pictures are of my wonderful friend Amy holding her niece Mara (my psuedo niece) and me holding our friends Carrie & Jerry's little boy, Colton.  I include these pictures because I am missing Amy like crazy today.  I got a letter and a mix cd from her in the mail today.  It is hands down the best mix I have received in ages.  It reminded me just how very much I am completely and totally loved.  I needed this love today because I have been home feeling a little like death.  But Amy's mix and the note that I am so very loved...it blew me away and reminded me of all the awesome times we had this summer.  I am so loved.

Adios for now.  Remember...YOU ARE LOVED!  By me and by God.  <3

New Experience Post

I haven't updated you on my random new experiences in awhile. I think I'd better do that. So here goes:

First picture: my Grandma & Grandpa Cheatwood's 50th wedding anniversary party. The picture below has all 4 of their sons (including my amazing dad), their wives, and all the grandkids minus 2 that couldn't get back from college, plus my brother David's wonderful girlfriend, Kelsey. It was a great event and you definitely have to take the time to celebrate when people you love have been able to maintain relationships like that for so long.


Next: this picture was taken on Amber's 20th birthday. She, Jake and I went to the Marietta Diner because Amber and I had seen something about it on the Food Network. The picture you see below is a picture of the delicious thing which I ate while there. It was called a Caribbean Monte Cristo. Freaking delicious. If you have the opportunity, you need to go check the diner out. Everything is good.



This next picture is of Jake on his 20th birthday. He is holding a sword. HIS sword. Sam knew Jake wanted a sword, and so he found this one. I actually got to be a part of that choice, and it was really cool. I've never been asked so many questions about swords or had so many things suggested to me. Every bit of that was great. Sam was super excited about it, and watching him so happy about finding the perfect gift was quite great. And I don't think Jake could have loved a gift anything more. It was totally beautiful.

This next picture is of me kissing Queso. Queso is my wonderful friend (and cousin) Jennie's creature. He is a traveling donkey and he gets pictures taken all over the place. The weekend of Jake's birthday, Queso was delivered to me for the weekend, and he went to the zoo with me and to many other places. This was my favorite picture from the weekend.

Sam took this picture for me of one of our favorite shops in Pigeon Forge. We affectionately called it Fudge Knife Swimwear Leather. It looks beyond tacky, but it was actually pretty awesome. Sam bought a knife and a ridiculously adorable key chain of a tiny bear from this place. That was a really great afternoon.

I love this picture. This is Rocket Jesus. He lives inside of Cornerstone Bible Church. It's actually a rather adorable statue, but it's just one of those things that leaves itself open to a lot of silliness. I mean no disrespect to the maker of this statue or Jesus or my church, but this statue does seem a little crazy. I am a fan.

This is a picture of Cayce. She is Sam and Jake's younger sister. Cayce is one of the most stunningly beautiful young women I have ever encountered, inside and out. She is glorious, and one of the new experiences I have had recently is getting to know this wonderful girl. This picture is from ABC-I, and it was that weekend that market the beginning of what I hope is a life-long friendship. She is incredibly sweet, funny, and smart. She's hoping to come down to the college eventually, and I am looking forward to the prospect.

This is a picture of the beautiful blueberry pie I made Sam for his 22nd birthday which was the same weekend as ABC-I. Everyone saw this pie because it was in my kitchen when all the kids were touring the apartments. Yeah...I've never made a boy a pie for his birthday before, and I've definitely never written their name in pie crust across the top. That was a couple of firsts, and I think I did a beautiful job. He really liked the pie.

This picture is me holding my beautiful "niece" Maranatha Hope. Dan took this picture of us when I was up visiting in March. She is a beautiful little blessing, and I think she is going to bring her family a lot of joy. She's such a beautiful tiny miracle.

For now this is all the pictures I will share, but you've gotta admit, I've been doing things.

And on one last random note: I desperately want a massage. When I finally get some revenue going, I'm definitely going to find a place to give me a good massage.

Thank God for the Sunshine

(The mountains of TN)

There are so many, many words and I'm not sure if any of them are appropriate or good. I woke up and have been thanking God all day for how beautiful it was. If it hadn't been beautiful today, I'm pretty sure I would have ignored all 5 of the messages I had and would have just slept for the rest of my day.

I'm wondering what the point of all of this is. Last night before I went to sleep I asked God to just show me whether or not this was really worth my time because I was really struggling with that. Is this man really worth the wait and feeling broken so much? I just wasn't sure if I could do this, but then the morning broke and I realized I'd fallen asleep talking to him. And the more I talked to my mother and my roommates, the more I realized I'm not that crazy. There's something about this guy that calls deeply to me, and even if he isn't the right guy, what's going on between us, it's far from over.

I keep asking if I'm doing the right things, and all I'm hearing is yes. Everyone says yes, and I just keep praying. Praying and praying and praying.

The weirdest thing though would have to be talking to Mom about all of this. It's not weird to talk to her, but it was weird talking to her today...I think she finally understands that I'm not playing around here. This one is different. Not sure what that entails at this point, but it is different.

The other bit of today messing with me is this crazy financial plan assignment. It's a healthy idea and I know I should be able to do this, but I feel crippled by this. I feel like a failure as an adult is really what it is. How am I supposed to do this? I do not have a job, and it's only by the grace of God that I'm getting by at all. I trust every day that He'll provide what I need, and He does, but how do you write that into a financial plan? And how do you explain that you don't have future financial goals because you have no idea what you want to do with your life? And you don't need life insurance because you've got literally no one depending on you because you can barely take care of yourself? This assignment makes me feel like a failure. Exciting.

I guess what I need now is to make my favorite things list. I need to think about the good.

Favorite Things of this Very Moment (9:49 pm EST):

• "Easy Target" by Blink 182


• Knowing I found the Bible Sam wanted


• Jay, Jordan, Kimmie, Miiiitch, Regina, Amber & Jake and their invaluable prayers


• Knowing I got Regina's pants taken care of


• "Karma" by Alicia Keys


• Regina being home


• Headphones


• That my iPod is actually working after I thought it had died (thank God for the little miracles)


• Remembering the good talks with Mom, Amber, Jake, Mitch & Kimmie

Life is going to be alright.

Good Luck to You & Happy Valentine's Day

("Extraordinary Mind" by Andre Jordan...this was what made me love his work from the very start)



Favorite things of this very moment (8:22 pm EST):

• My freaking iPod
• Purple boxes full of Kleenex
• Two sleeping puppies curled up on the floor
• Knowing that people I love are in love
• The Damnwells

I NEED to escape. There's only so much I can do before my heart explodes. Thankfully I have projects of my own to deal with. Bruno Mars has a voice that could probably soothe anything stressful and wrinkled out of my system. The ironic thing is I have been totally fine all day. How exactly is it that a person can feel sane and normal until after 8pm. Maybe I'm just not good at dealing with the night.

On the other hand, I'm pretty sure I'm completely blessed. I was given a completely wonderful letter by my lovely roommate, Amber today. Made me cry, and made me super happy. Sometimes you just really need someone to tell you that they think you're awesome. Especially when you question that about yourself. I'm always questioning something anymore.

Oh look a distraction!

Life is beautiful, and I am grateful for the infinite amounts of love and kindness I have frequently been the recipient of lately...well really, I've always been this blessed. I just have a tendency to forget that.

I am grateful for Amber because she reminds me that I'm wonderful and tries to keep me grounded in reality when my heart is trying to run off without my head. Especially since lately my heart seems highly disconnected from reality. And I talk too much. Way too much.

I am grateful for Jake who adores Amber and is a brother to me now, even if that never becomes a legal reality. I'm glad he's a part of my life and I hope that never changes.

I am grateful for Nikky because she puts up with all my nonsense and still loves me. Even when I'm highly undeserving and an undeniable whiner. Really, she deserves a better best friend than me, but I hope she knows how much I love her. She doesn't hear it nearly often enough.

I am grateful for my mother. I'm not sure if she will ever realize how much of the time she is what is holding me together in the end. When my world is falling apart, my mother is usually the one who tells me I'm alright and that God will keep me together if I just let Him. How often do I need that kind of reminder? More often than I want to admit.

And God is good. Beyond good. God is amazing, and then more so. He's blessed me with a family that believes in me and is proud of me, and He's blessed me with friends who have my back and remind me that I really am something beautiful in my own time.

One last bit before I leave you. It's a verse that I've loved for a long, long time, and it's the one I always think of around Valentine's Day, so bear with me. This is Song of Solomon 2:7 from The Message:

"Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer: Don't excite love, don't stir it up, until the time is ripe - and you're ready."