The Joys of a Spring Vacation

Amber "surfing" at CWS last year while moving our luggage about.

Yes, it's that time of year again folks!

It's time for Christian Workers Seminar!  Once again in Pigeon Forge, TN, we will be having a ridiculous and rollicking time.  Of course, I can't speak for the people actually attending the event, but I do know that the little ones who will be in my group will.  I am in charge of child care again this year with Amber, and this year we're adding Shelby Upton to the mix.  Should be a hilarious good time.  Our kids will be learning about God, eating snacks, doing a lot of coloring, watching great movies, and generally just having a great time as kids should at things like this.  Parents won't have to worry about where their munchkins are, and I won't have to worry about being bored or about how long I will be busy or anything else.  It will be a lovely little vacation.

I leave on Sunday.  I cannot wait.

I miss Amber and Kimmie and Garble and everyone, so CWS will be a good way to spend some time catching up as well as getting some sight seeing or just general running around it.  Plus, I get to celebrate both Jake and Amber's 21st birthdays with them while we're there.  That will be hilarious and great.  Kimmie and I are taking them out to dinner on their birthdays.  Plus, Jake is bringing Munchkin, so we'll have games to play.  I seriously can't wait.

After CWS, I am going down to Atlanta for a few days to move the rest of my stuff out of the apartment.  That makes me a little sad actually, but at this point, I'm not seeing me heading back to ABC to finish.  Not any time soon anyway.  On the plus side, I will get to spend time with Regina, Marcus, Jack, Mitch, The Cheat and the rest of the family and the ABC crew.  I'll be making a Felini's run as well.  I miss that place.

Conor.  :)  What a stud.

Then, the last leg of my trip will be spent in Ohio where I will be staying with Amber.  Hopefully I'll get to help with some wedding stuff while I am there, and, what I'm most excited about: I'll get to meet my nephew, Conor!  I haven't seen Nikky since she and Yan's wedding last August, so it feels like forever since I've seen her.  I can't wait to see her and meet the little man.  The pictures of him are great, but I want to get to hold the real deal, and have actual face to face conversations with his lovely mother.  It's hard to live so far away from them.

This trip will be such amazing things.  Exactly what I need to shake up my bizarre sense of complacency and start something new.

Getting Back to Where I Started (Or Maybe Someplace Better)

I am having one of my classic nights where I am reading one blog, sitting on top of my Facebook page to see if anything happens at all, texting several of my closest friends (who put up with a lot of angsty whining on empty nights), and listening to my iTunes play me a zillion songs that break and rebreak my heart.

Lately I've been asking God a lot of questions.  I have been asking him to bring me my best friend.  That probably sounds a little off, but what I mean is, I've been asking him to bring me the guy that won't leave.  You see...I have this amazing ability to befriend good guys (and sometimes bad ones, I tend to see a glimmer of gold and try to bring it to the surface, even when the person containing the glimmer is trying to hide it) and build up these amazing friendships, and everything seems awesome.  They're great.  We're great.  I have someone to go to parties or movies or dinner with.  It's not a dating relationship.  They aren't physical.  I just invest my heart in this friendship because I want this guy to have the best things he can.  I want to make sure he knows that he's amazing and hilarious and beautiful and that God is going to do great things with him as long as He lets God lead.  Great things, right?  I think so.

But then something changes.  

This something is always a girl.

Now, I'm not saying that this is a bad thing.  Actually, this is usually a great thing for them.  Usually the girl they find is someone incredible who (in more cases than I could have expected) end up being the woman they chose to marry and live as happily ever after as the world will allow (as the incomparable Jean Ferris once said in Love Among the Walnuts, read it, you'll love it).

I won't deny that usually right after this happens, I am heartbroken.  The person I have come to rely on as much as I rely on my own heart leaves.  I can't blame them for this.  Most of them (let's be honest, all of them) never saw me as anything beyond one of the guys or a sister.  It is a role I am good at, but it wears down the soul after because over the years, I have begun to worry that maybe I'm not desirable at all.

To each and every sweet person and friend and sister who has tried to convince me otherwise, I love you.  Thank you.

It isn't to say that I don't know, somewhere in me, that this isn't true.  That I am desirable and worth fighting for and pursuing.  It's just that after years of rejection and being passed over...there's not much left in the bank of self-esteem and self-confidence that is left to speak of.

Worse than that, somewhere along the way, I have lost track of my purpose and forgotten how to find my value in God.  How did I stray so far from where I was as a kid?  I think I just started seeking my worth in the wrong places.  I put so much faith in the first guy I dated, and instead of remembering that God loved me completely and should be my center, I started letting my boyfriend edge in on the place that was sacred and supposed to house no one outside of God.

Honestly, how do you let one person (no matter how "amazing" you believe them to be or how amazing they really are) take the place of the LORD of the Universe?

Again, I'm not saying it was my then boyfriend's fault.  It is fully and completely mine.  I should never have let this change of command take place.  Ever since, there's always been an ache and an gap in my heart that I have been trying to fill.

I have filled it with food, with lust, my relationships, with anger...with a lot of things I am not proud of.


Tonight, I want to reclaim this place, this very center of my heart and soul, for my LORD.  

It will take a lot of time and intentional prayer and work, but I can do this.  I can do this because it will mean I am finally recognizing that only God can give me the love, validation, and worth that I seek.

If you're struggling with this, I hope you I can encourage you.  I know this is a struggle.  I have been struggling with this for years, but change has to start now.  Let's not live our whole lives only to realize we haven't actually lived or loved.  Let's let God well up from the center of who we are and overflow into our whole lives and show people what love really is.

God give us strength and joy.

Love,
J

ps.  I have been seriously neglecting doing this, so I apologize, and here is my List of Favorite Things at This Very Moment (12:03 am CST):

• The Good Women Project (which is a constant source of encouragement and joy and faith being restored)
• The Glee soundtracks (always a classy good time.  Especially if Finn or Mercedes is singing...joy! Amber, thank you for this!)
• Colorful nailpolish (reminds me of the good bits of me, and brings me a little self-confidence boost when I can wear some crazy color in public, it's a start, right?)
• My loving and wonderful sisters who keep me accountable (you ladies are awesome ALL the time)
• Foxtrot by Bill Amend (always a GREAT comic strip when you need a smile)
• You.  Honestly.  

Because My Life Is Not A Movie

"Best Thing That You Never Had" has been playing in my head a lot lately, but I am asking myself if that is really true.  Am I really the best thing?

I have my doubts.

This past weekend I was at Refuge in IN.  It was a wonderful weekend because I got to see a lot of people who I find myself desperately missing on a near constant basis anymore.  My beloved sisters/friends/roommates Amber & Kim, my dear brother/friend Jake, my amazing cousin Hilary, my hilarious uncle Jon, and my good friend Jordan, to name just a few.  These people make me feel home.

Over the weekend, Amber and I's good friend, Jeff asked her how she knew Jake was "the One."  Her answer was perfect.  She told Jeff that no matter where they are, to her, Jake feels like home.

That's what I want.

So this is the thing, maybe he doesn't know it yet, and maybe he never will know, but this is what he's missing: ME.

He will be missing out on me getting up early to make monkey bread or pancakes so that he would have a hot breakfast before he leaves the house.  He is missing me singing all day every day anything at all that makes my heart happy or speaks to my soul.  He will be missing the mix cds that tell him just how incredible he is to me when I can no longer find the words.  He will miss my hands and everything they are capable of.  He will miss my laughter and my constant encouragement as he pursues his dreams.  He will be missing my creative pies and how fun I am to work with in the kitchen.  He will be missing my smile and my constant willingness to do laundry and help with dishes.  He will miss how good I am with his dog when no one else is.  He will miss my sweet sewing skills and my creative ability to recycle everything and find the beauty in everything and everyone.  He will miss my notes and letters.  He will miss my lips on his neck and the number of times I say I love you.  He will miss my passion and my adoration and how completely gorgeous and perfect I think he is and have always (since that Han Solo costume the night we met) and always will.

I hope he misses me.

I feel a million things and nothing all at the same time.  My life is not a movie or this would be well on its way to being resolved.  Instead, he's going to go marry a girl that even his family seems nervous about, and I am going to listen to Jason Mraz sing "I Won't Give Up" a million times and try to find a new dream.

I Am Loved

Beautiful letter care package sent to me by Kim, Amber, Hilary, Regina,  Garble & Jeff

 I am so loved.  The picture above is the care package that came for me last week.  It came with instructions on when I could read each my beautiful letters and gave me a full week of love from some of the crew down at ABC who I dearly love and miss.  I have been writing letters back the rest of the week.  Every time I look at those letters or that envelope or write a letter back...it is impossible not to feel like I could explode because of how incredibly loved and filled with love I really am.  It blows me away, and it's a joy to know that I am as loved and missed by these amazing people as I love and miss them.

Amy holding Mara with Colton & I

Mara & Colton holding hands...how cute is that?

 The two previous pictures are of my wonderful friend Amy holding her niece Mara (my psuedo niece) and me holding our friends Carrie & Jerry's little boy, Colton.  I include these pictures because I am missing Amy like crazy today.  I got a letter and a mix cd from her in the mail today.  It is hands down the best mix I have received in ages.  It reminded me just how very much I am completely and totally loved.  I needed this love today because I have been home feeling a little like death.  But Amy's mix and the note that I am so very loved...it blew me away and reminded me of all the awesome times we had this summer.  I am so loved.

Adios for now.  Remember...YOU ARE LOVED!  By me and by God.  <3

And Hope Walks In...

This is where my summer started. I was in TN stopped at the prettiest rest stop in the world: Nickajack Dam. I took the time to walk around the rest area and I took this picture. It seemed incredibly symbolic for me.

I was staring up at the steps of my life. The steps that would take me into a new portion of life. A new bit.

Life is far from what I planned. First a summer at home that I didn't expect, and now a fall semester at home. No school, just work.

And yet, this is okay. I feel at peace. I'm homesick for my life at ABC, for the people their, for the churches I'm involved with, buuuut I'm already seeing where I could be of use here. I've got friends here at home that I didn't expect to be here. I have people to encourage. I have new joys to locate and new things to try.

Also, I was asked to be on the board of directors for a nonprofit organization called Children of Change. I thought I'd be thinking about this far into the next couple of weeks, but instead all it took was one really good conversation for me to decide. I agreed. Eventually, according to the plan, when things are off the ground and running, I'll step down from the board and be the office manager. Maybe that sounds backwards, but really, for me, that's perfect. I want to be the one helping keep us together and making sure everyone has what they need. I've been working on offices for the past...what...6 or more years? I'm getting better and better and keeping it all together, and I look forward to the day when I can actually run the office of this grade organization called Children of Change. Just wait, God will do great things here. We just have to stay focused on his lead.

God does amazing things in my life. No matter where He puts me.

I love this.

I Will Worship While I'm Waiting

Tonight I am tired. It is late and I have work in the morning. I am wondering how long this will be, and hating myself for wondering.

I keep hearing the words echo back through my head from a song I heard in a movie once, "I will worship while I'm waiting..." I remember feeling a deep longing as the guy sang those words, and at that moment I knew exactly what he meant, and I knew that that was exactly what I wanted to be able to do. I want to worship while I'm waiting.

I was hoping to be able to post something incredibly hopeful and deliriously happy about how I would be heading back to ABC in the fall, as if there was ever any doubt, and that life was truly moving along perfectly. That's what I wanted to post. That I was silly to have ever wondered.

What's really silly is that I'm still surprised each and every time God changes my plans for something better.

Does this mean I am not heading back to ABC 3 weeks from today? No. It simply means that I don't have clear cut answers like I was hoping for. I asked God for a sign, and He gave me something unexpected. I told him that whatever the college told me they felt needed to happen, I would do that, and I would do what I could to accept it gracefully. Yeah...that didn't exactly work. The college did answer me, but not, so much, with an answer as with a new question.

I responded, and we'll see what is said further. At present, I am trying to come up with a new to-do list so that if I end up in an unexpected place, yet again, that I will actually use the time to my advantage and share my joy. I do not want to become the bitter, frustrated version of myself that I was the last time I came home from college.

A week or two ago, I posted a play list from a cd that I made my friend Jordan. It was a play list meant to inspire him. To lift him up a bit because I know that the last bit of July and usually on into August are rough for him. I am feeling this toll as well. I've been listening to that cd on repeat for the past several days.

It's hard to recover from the high points when you seem to drop so low after them, and tonight my mom reminded me of that. She walked in to tell me the good news that my grandmother (my beloved 91, nearly 92, year old grandmother) was back home and out of the hospital. She's doing just fine. And I, being the bit of a wreck I am, blurted out everything about the email and the payment plan and the contract and the requirements and the job I don't have down there and the money I would have to come up with and how upset I was and how confused I was and how much I felt like a failure as an adult all over again and how angry I was feeling because this seemed like a painful echo of the last time...

But my mom said no, this is not the same. The last time was not my fault even a little, and that this time just happened. That this is all happening right after I was so full of crazy hope and optimism because of FUEL and that it's after those highs that we tend to sink down to the lowest of the lows. It's life's way of rebalancing everything. She said it would be okay and that God has got it. She said she could always arrange my marriage to one of the Bliss boys or maybe even the one of whom I refuse to speak because he's always trying to marry everyone and it makes my right eye twitch just thinking about it (and Nikky, it wouldn't even be worth it once, not even a little). Mostly she said she was sure that this would work out somehow in the end. It always has before. God's got this.

And she's right. She's always right.

But it's still hard.

Jordan told me to punch the college registrar with a weasel into a wall. I said I wanted to punch one of the three. He improved it. He always does.

Kimmie sent me hugs and told me that she's praying.

I know Jay's praying.

And I know Nikky is too.

I just wish that sometimes I didn't have to make a Venn Diagram of my heart. That I didn't have to separate the pieces and realize that I was going to only get to keep one side and the middle bits for now. I don't like that my home is split into several places. It makes life strange at times, and I don't know what to do with it.

I do know this: if I stay, things will work out. I was offered an additional job. I will have a part time job at the pharmacy as often as they can find me work. I will continue to write for Tramp Imperial Travel, and I will work at Basket Beginnings as often as Linda finds use for me. I will make baby blankets for all the beautiful new little ones that are coming into my life and the lives of the people I love. I will send care packages to the people that I love down at ABC and several other places to because I refuse to be forgotten, ignored, or simply not missed (I WILL BE MISSED, DANG IT!). And I will buy myself an iPod so that I can text Amber and Sam and Jordan and Kimmie and Jack as often as I am capable of being near wi-fi. I will help with the youth group and go to Joel's band concerts. I will help Forrest adjust to his first year of college and try to spend more time with David and Kels. I will continue to get to know Amy, and I will spend time with Morgan and Chelsea whenever they are available. I will keep making Jay laugh until he cries because we are talking way too late at night and we've consumed way too much caffeine. I will learn to quilt/knit/whatever else I can manage. I will go to the play my mom will be in this September, and I will spend as much time with the little ones at church as I can. I will write long emails and spend a fortune on postage so that people will know that I love them enough to send them real mail (and the aforementioned emails). I will work hard. I will save money, and I will find a way to get my butt back down to the college to finish as soon as God allows (if not now, January? Please, God).

And I will continue to daydream about a boy with blond hair who plays drums (and guitar and piano and...) and wears t-shirts part of the time.

Mostly though, wherever I am. Here or in GA, I will do my best to be what I call others to be: full of joy and thanksgiving. I will find ways to serve others (big and small) and I will find the things God brings into my day each day to be thankful for (because I am blessed).

I will worship while I'm waiting.

ps. "Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle. Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame." - Romans 12:9-11 (MSG)

Amen.