Tonight I am tired. It is late and I have work in the morning. I am wondering how long this will be, and hating myself for wondering.
I keep hearing the words echo back through my head from a song I heard in a movie once, "I will worship while I'm waiting..." I remember feeling a deep longing as the guy sang those words, and at that moment I knew exactly what he meant, and I knew that that was exactly what I wanted to be able to do. I want to worship while I'm waiting.
I was hoping to be able to post something incredibly hopeful and deliriously happy about how I would be heading back to ABC in the fall, as if there was ever any doubt, and that life was truly moving along perfectly. That's what I wanted to post. That I was silly to have ever wondered.
What's really silly is that I'm still surprised each and every time God changes my plans for something better.
Does this mean I am not heading back to ABC 3 weeks from today? No. It simply means that I don't have clear cut answers like I was hoping for. I asked God for a sign, and He gave me something unexpected. I told him that whatever the college told me they felt needed to happen, I would do that, and I would do what I could to accept it gracefully. Yeah...that didn't exactly work. The college did answer me, but not, so much, with an answer as with a new question.
I responded, and we'll see what is said further. At present, I am trying to come up with a new to-do list so that if I end up in an unexpected place, yet again, that I will actually use the time to my advantage and share my joy. I do not want to become the bitter, frustrated version of myself that I was the last time I came home from college.
A week or two ago, I posted a play list from a cd that I made my friend Jordan. It was a play list meant to inspire him. To lift him up a bit because I know that the last bit of July and usually on into August are rough for him. I am feeling this toll as well. I've been listening to that cd on repeat for the past several days.
It's hard to recover from the high points when you seem to drop so low after them, and tonight my mom reminded me of that. She walked in to tell me the good news that my grandmother (my beloved 91, nearly 92, year old grandmother) was back home and out of the hospital. She's doing just fine. And I, being the bit of a wreck I am, blurted out everything about the email and the payment plan and the contract and the requirements and the job I don't have down there and the money I would have to come up with and how upset I was and how confused I was and how much I felt like a failure as an adult all over again and how angry I was feeling because this seemed like a painful echo of the last time...
But my mom said no, this is not the same. The last time was not my fault even a little, and that this time just happened. That this is all happening right after I was so full of crazy hope and optimism because of FUEL and that it's after those highs that we tend to sink down to the lowest of the lows. It's life's way of rebalancing everything. She said it would be okay and that God has got it. She said she could always arrange my marriage to one of the Bliss boys or maybe even the one of whom I refuse to speak because he's always trying to marry everyone and it makes my right eye twitch just thinking about it (and Nikky, it wouldn't even be worth it once, not even a little). Mostly she said she was sure that this would work out somehow in the end. It always has before. God's got this.
And she's right. She's always right.
But it's still hard.
Jordan told me to punch the college registrar with a weasel into a wall. I said I wanted to punch one of the three. He improved it. He always does.
Kimmie sent me hugs and told me that she's praying.
I know Jay's praying.
And I know Nikky is too.
I just wish that sometimes I didn't have to make a Venn Diagram of my heart. That I didn't have to separate the pieces and realize that I was going to only get to keep one side and the middle bits for now. I don't like that my home is split into several places. It makes life strange at times, and I don't know what to do with it.
I do know this: if I stay, things will work out. I was offered an additional job. I will have a part time job at the pharmacy as often as they can find me work. I will continue to write for Tramp Imperial Travel, and I will work at Basket Beginnings as often as Linda finds use for me. I will make baby blankets for all the beautiful new little ones that are coming into my life and the lives of the people I love. I will send care packages to the people that I love down at ABC and several other places to because I refuse to be forgotten, ignored, or simply not missed (I WILL BE MISSED, DANG IT!). And I will buy myself an iPod so that I can text Amber and Sam and Jordan and Kimmie and Jack as often as I am capable of being near wi-fi. I will help with the youth group and go to Joel's band concerts. I will help Forrest adjust to his first year of college and try to spend more time with David and Kels. I will continue to get to know Amy, and I will spend time with Morgan and Chelsea whenever they are available. I will keep making Jay laugh until he cries because we are talking way too late at night and we've consumed way too much caffeine. I will learn to quilt/knit/whatever else I can manage. I will go to the play my mom will be in this September, and I will spend as much time with the little ones at church as I can. I will write long emails and spend a fortune on postage so that people will know that I love them enough to send them real mail (and the aforementioned emails). I will work hard. I will save money, and I will find a way to get my butt back down to the college to finish as soon as God allows (if not now, January? Please, God).
And I will continue to daydream about a boy with blond hair who plays drums (and guitar and piano and...) and wears t-shirts part of the time.
Mostly though, wherever I am. Here or in GA, I will do my best to be what I call others to be: full of joy and thanksgiving. I will find ways to serve others (big and small) and I will find the things God brings into my day each day to be thankful for (because I am blessed).
I will worship while I'm waiting.
ps. "Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle. Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame." - Romans 12:9-11 (MSG)
Amen.
