(43) Tripping my Own Heart

It's pretty bad

When you're the one

tripping up your own heart

How do I grow?

Where do I go from here?

Your new life seems happy

buying houses

thinking about starting a family

Your wife inserting your name into conversations 

Is it sick to still wish

I knew

if even for a single moment

you thought about

picking me?

I just wish I could understand

why I never had a chance

Am I not pretty enough?

Or thin enough?

Is it because I really can't dance?

What's my fatal flaw?

Or did I throw it away 

when I didn't give you a full answer

that night in the car?

Or kiss you that day you backed me into a wall to talk?

Apparently I'm neurotic 

& obsessive,

but I still wish I could tie up

these loose ends

in more than just my dreams

Soon you'll see my face again

hopefully,

even with my heart on my sleeve, 

when you look through me

You'll see a better woman

than the one I use to be

Leadership Mentor

Today I was asked to be someone I adore's leadership mentor. Basically I will be discussing questions from his ministry leadership class with him as they are given out. I don't know what all it will entail, but I agreed to it without thinking. It was just one of those things that caught me off guard.

Sometimes it is a surprise to realize someone sees you as more brilliant or good or wise than you see yourself. At least, it is always a surprise to me.

I wish I could have been there in person for him to ask and not 850+ miles away. I wanted to hug him.

My Heart's a Mess

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (1:29 pm CST):

• Death Cab for Cutie's "The Photo Album" uh...album


• A large Unsweetened ice tea from Mickie Dee's


• Work at Basket Beginnings (Seriously, this place is adorable, and I get played to hang out in a cool place where I buy all my yarn and get to work on the stuff I'm making while I'm in the store) http://basketbeginning.com/default.aspx


• Upbeat and lovely people that come into the shop


• The "Bubbles" ring tone on my phone


• Remembering Jay & I's nice talk on Friday night


• Knowing I have dinner with Morgan, Adam and Brian to look forward to on Wednesday night


• Realizing Sam is so ingrained in ABC and so outside of the regular world that he hadn't even heard about Hurricane Irene (which also means that ATL wasn't really hit like I was afraid it would be...*phew*)

My heart's a mess.

Right now I am sitting in Basket Beginnings thinking about how I should either be working on the baby blanket I am making for Olivia (my friend, Stephanie's little girl) or I should be working on my new epic to-do list, but neither is properly appealing to me. Not sure why.

Maybe I am just thinking too much. I don't know. Today at church, Michael's sermon was about staying connected to the true vine so that you are constantly plugged into the power of God. The Sunday School lesson that Rachel was working on with the kids was about making sure that you are listening for God's wisdom and plan not just thinking everything we think and say and do is always right or best.

You think maybe He's speaking to my heart? I think so.

I have been disconnected a lot lately. Part of it is feeling displaced, but a lot of it is my selfish want to wallow in my own frustration and stress and sadness.

Is my life that bad? No. And is this truly just selfish? Oh yes. I need to be finding ways to better connect and stay connected, not more ways to pull apart. I guess today is one of those days where I need to really take a look at this messy heart of mine and realize that maybe the Mountain Goats had it all right...maybe "a weekend in Provo won't fix what's wrong" with me.

I hope I am smart enough to let go of what is tearing me apart and instead start embracing the things that will truly heal me up.

New Experience Post

I haven't updated you on my random new experiences in awhile. I think I'd better do that. So here goes:

First picture: my Grandma & Grandpa Cheatwood's 50th wedding anniversary party. The picture below has all 4 of their sons (including my amazing dad), their wives, and all the grandkids minus 2 that couldn't get back from college, plus my brother David's wonderful girlfriend, Kelsey. It was a great event and you definitely have to take the time to celebrate when people you love have been able to maintain relationships like that for so long.


Next: this picture was taken on Amber's 20th birthday. She, Jake and I went to the Marietta Diner because Amber and I had seen something about it on the Food Network. The picture you see below is a picture of the delicious thing which I ate while there. It was called a Caribbean Monte Cristo. Freaking delicious. If you have the opportunity, you need to go check the diner out. Everything is good.



This next picture is of Jake on his 20th birthday. He is holding a sword. HIS sword. Sam knew Jake wanted a sword, and so he found this one. I actually got to be a part of that choice, and it was really cool. I've never been asked so many questions about swords or had so many things suggested to me. Every bit of that was great. Sam was super excited about it, and watching him so happy about finding the perfect gift was quite great. And I don't think Jake could have loved a gift anything more. It was totally beautiful.

This next picture is of me kissing Queso. Queso is my wonderful friend (and cousin) Jennie's creature. He is a traveling donkey and he gets pictures taken all over the place. The weekend of Jake's birthday, Queso was delivered to me for the weekend, and he went to the zoo with me and to many other places. This was my favorite picture from the weekend.

Sam took this picture for me of one of our favorite shops in Pigeon Forge. We affectionately called it Fudge Knife Swimwear Leather. It looks beyond tacky, but it was actually pretty awesome. Sam bought a knife and a ridiculously adorable key chain of a tiny bear from this place. That was a really great afternoon.

I love this picture. This is Rocket Jesus. He lives inside of Cornerstone Bible Church. It's actually a rather adorable statue, but it's just one of those things that leaves itself open to a lot of silliness. I mean no disrespect to the maker of this statue or Jesus or my church, but this statue does seem a little crazy. I am a fan.

This is a picture of Cayce. She is Sam and Jake's younger sister. Cayce is one of the most stunningly beautiful young women I have ever encountered, inside and out. She is glorious, and one of the new experiences I have had recently is getting to know this wonderful girl. This picture is from ABC-I, and it was that weekend that market the beginning of what I hope is a life-long friendship. She is incredibly sweet, funny, and smart. She's hoping to come down to the college eventually, and I am looking forward to the prospect.

This is a picture of the beautiful blueberry pie I made Sam for his 22nd birthday which was the same weekend as ABC-I. Everyone saw this pie because it was in my kitchen when all the kids were touring the apartments. Yeah...I've never made a boy a pie for his birthday before, and I've definitely never written their name in pie crust across the top. That was a couple of firsts, and I think I did a beautiful job. He really liked the pie.

This picture is me holding my beautiful "niece" Maranatha Hope. Dan took this picture of us when I was up visiting in March. She is a beautiful little blessing, and I think she is going to bring her family a lot of joy. She's such a beautiful tiny miracle.

For now this is all the pictures I will share, but you've gotta admit, I've been doing things.

And on one last random note: I desperately want a massage. When I finally get some revenue going, I'm definitely going to find a place to give me a good massage.

These Few Blessings of Mine

So...I haven't written anything in a little while, so I thought I'd show you a bunch of picture of people I adore and talk about them a little. It will make me happy, and hopefully it'll make you happy too.
Jeff and Amber. Jeff is hilarious and wonderful, and I am glad I met him. It's nice to know that there are wonderful crazy people out there to meet. Especially when they have such voluptuous nostrils. Also, there's Amber...what can I say on Amber? She's my lifeline. I consistently need to have her in my life. God could not have blessed me with a better sister. I am grateful.

Sam. He's my favorite. There is so much to say about Sam. For instance, the weekend this picture was taken will probably forever be one of my favorites. He is laying on top of a stack of mattresses with Mitch underneath them. It's hard to explain. Sam makes me laugh, think, and inspires me to better things on a regular basis. Sam is a good man, and he gives me faith in men. I'm sure he doesn't know how valuable he is, but I'm genuinely glad he's a part of my life on a daily basis.

Jay. This is my "big brother." He's one of the best people I know. When my life seems to be coming apart at the seams, Jay is there to make sure that I get put back together again. He's truly one of my best friends, and my life would be much less musical and awkward without him.

Regina. One of my fabulous roommates. Regina can dance beautifully, make me laugh every single day, and is a great velociraptor. Trust me. She is a genuine and gorgeous person inside and out. I don't know how I got along so well before she became a part of my life. She has truly become one of my sisters.

Jake aka. the Garble. This picture will forever make me laugh. The bow tie, that ridiculous face, and the great Santa hat. Definitely one of his finest moments. Jake is the younger brother I didn't ask for, but I'm glad I was given. His insanity and brilliance make any event more memorable.

Jordan. Mr. Durham has become one of my best friends in the past year or so. This picture is a good explanation of why. The duck arms...Jordan has the ability to make me laugh until I cry on a regular basis. He is a rare mixture of hilarity, brilliance, passion, and goodness. I adore him for all of these reasons.

And, last but not least, Nikky. Nik is one of the most beautiful, charming, hilarious, brilliant, talented, passionate, wonderful people I know. I will always and have always loved the way I can talk to her about anything, and she always understands. Even the most vague of discussions work well for us. She is truly the sister I never had. I hope she is always, always, always a part of my life.

Obviously these are not the only people in my life, and there are many more I love, but I thought I would share this with you. They are good and wonderful people, and I can't imagine my life without them.

Sam

This picture is a picture of my friend Sam. He probably doesn't know it, but he's a key part of my life. I'm fairly certain he took this picture of himself a while back, and it's a pretty sweet picture. Does it look professionally done to you? It really does me. He's rather amazing.

Let me tell you a little about this guy: he's magical. Maybe he doesn't know that, but he's something special. He's funny and passionate, and, for me, he's super easy to talk to. He's great to have weird late night conversations with, and I never feel too strange or like I'm putting myself too far out on the line when we talk. His faith in God is strong, and his passion is admirable. He's a loyal guy. His loyalty is one of his greatest qualities. I admire him for it. To be perfectly honest, I admire him for all of these things.

And he's talented. Very. He plays guitar and drums. I'm fairly certain he can play other instruments as well though I'm not sure what they are. Whether he realizes it or not, he has a great singing voice which I think people should get to hear just a little more often. He also does beautiful paintings. One of these days, I'd love to have one of those beautiful pictures up on my walls. Sam is also a photographer. I've been looking at a lot of his work recently, and I'm amazed. He has an eye for detail and beauty. It's amazing. He's amazing.

I guess I'm just pointing out that Sam is gifted. He is blessed. I am excited for him and his future, and I really hope he understands this. He's amazing, and I'm glad he's become a part of my life.