Where Have All the Wizards Gone?

A Jennie Lee Montgomery photo...is she not amazing?

As you may have noticed, I added a terribly cheesy off-the-cuff bit of poetry...

I use to be a writer.
A good one.
A good one becoming better every day.

Now, I'm a girl watching lightning bugs.  Watching the light fade behind the trees and wishing I could be part of the melting colors of the sky or the faded twinkle of the stars playing peek-a-boo with the night sky.

I miss writing poetry with real feeling, but I think I'm out of practice.

Tonight is a lot of cheerful hope mixed with underlying sadness for front porch talks gone by.

Nights like this make me miss Zuni's poetry and magic.  Few people have ever inspired me the way he did, and I miss that sense of wonder, talking in code, coming up with metaphors to describe love, and the advice.  More than anything I miss the advice.

Where have all the wizards gone?

Those wizards that could bring to life your idea or breath fire and light into the heart of you?  Spark magic into life?

I was never afraid when I had words of comfort, laughter, and hope to lean on.  I miss the reassurance that I was something perfect and magical myself.

Years of my life have changed much and much remains the same.  My heart bears more scars, but I look at them with a great deal more kindness than I thought I would ever have the grace to.  I love that they all tell stories of my greatest attempts...even if some were failures.

I fall in love with everyone I meet, and now I am at peace with this.  Someday it will not be love felt alone.

I need you so much closer...I need you so much closer...I need you so much closer

My Heart's a Mess

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (1:29 pm CST):

• Death Cab for Cutie's "The Photo Album" uh...album


• A large Unsweetened ice tea from Mickie Dee's


• Work at Basket Beginnings (Seriously, this place is adorable, and I get played to hang out in a cool place where I buy all my yarn and get to work on the stuff I'm making while I'm in the store) http://basketbeginning.com/default.aspx


• Upbeat and lovely people that come into the shop


• The "Bubbles" ring tone on my phone


• Remembering Jay & I's nice talk on Friday night


• Knowing I have dinner with Morgan, Adam and Brian to look forward to on Wednesday night


• Realizing Sam is so ingrained in ABC and so outside of the regular world that he hadn't even heard about Hurricane Irene (which also means that ATL wasn't really hit like I was afraid it would be...*phew*)

My heart's a mess.

Right now I am sitting in Basket Beginnings thinking about how I should either be working on the baby blanket I am making for Olivia (my friend, Stephanie's little girl) or I should be working on my new epic to-do list, but neither is properly appealing to me. Not sure why.

Maybe I am just thinking too much. I don't know. Today at church, Michael's sermon was about staying connected to the true vine so that you are constantly plugged into the power of God. The Sunday School lesson that Rachel was working on with the kids was about making sure that you are listening for God's wisdom and plan not just thinking everything we think and say and do is always right or best.

You think maybe He's speaking to my heart? I think so.

I have been disconnected a lot lately. Part of it is feeling displaced, but a lot of it is my selfish want to wallow in my own frustration and stress and sadness.

Is my life that bad? No. And is this truly just selfish? Oh yes. I need to be finding ways to better connect and stay connected, not more ways to pull apart. I guess today is one of those days where I need to really take a look at this messy heart of mine and realize that maybe the Mountain Goats had it all right...maybe "a weekend in Provo won't fix what's wrong" with me.

I hope I am smart enough to let go of what is tearing me apart and instead start embracing the things that will truly heal me up.

Unearthed

Favorite things of this very moment (10:57 am CST):

• New socks


• "They Never Got You" by Spoon


• Hair clips that for whatever reason don't want to work with my mother, but seem kinda fond of me


• Sunshine and the wind blowing through the multi-colored leaves falling outside


• Feeling the urge to dance, and taking it

It is a strange thing to have spent 3 years in solitude with this blog, and to suddenly be discovered. I can't say I'm complaining, but I can say it was a shock to see a comment on this blog yesterday when I rarely have them. And only from Nikky or the random stranger when I do. But yesterday, I was located by a friend. I had to reevaluate the purpose of this blog.

This space in the universe has been a place to disclose thoughts that don't always find their way into my regular speech. I may be honest, but I'm not always capable of saying the whole. Maybe I'm shy or maybe I'm vain. All I know is that I've been good at hiding much of my heart for most of my life. I think it comes from years of allowing part of my heart to lay uncovered on my sleeve like a badge of honor, but when I've done that I've always ended up with cuts.

There's a line in Death Cab for Cutie's song "Someday You Will Be Loved" that says, "Cause each broken heart will eventually mend as the blood runs red down the needle and thread someday you will be loved." I love that line. Maybe that's morbid, but morbid often sums it up. I often see hearts in this manner, as something cut, broken, bleeding...something in need of care, consideration, and mending.

I guess many times, this blog has become my heart's cry to heal. My secret place to look at the wounds I have received or the scars I sometimes trace with my fingers. There are many on this heart of mine. Young as I am, there is so much there. I find it amazing that this is just my one heart bearing these scars, and it makes me wonder...what do the scars of those I love look like? And the scars I sense the presence of, what stories do they tell?

So here I sit, listening to songs of love, loss, and life...questioning who I am and wanting to know so much more about those around me. Is there ever an end to the curiosity and wonder in my heart? Sometimes I wish there was, but I know the day I stop questioning and wanting to know...that's the day I'll have given up on life. May that day never come. This hunger was placed in my wandering heart for a purpose.

This blog is truly just sketches of my patchwork soul. Read them, enjoy them, but just please respect that this is my heart and depth you're looking into. And in this quiet space, you are seeing them without my many masks.