Getting Back to Where I Started (Or Maybe Someplace Better)

I am having one of my classic nights where I am reading one blog, sitting on top of my Facebook page to see if anything happens at all, texting several of my closest friends (who put up with a lot of angsty whining on empty nights), and listening to my iTunes play me a zillion songs that break and rebreak my heart.

Lately I've been asking God a lot of questions.  I have been asking him to bring me my best friend.  That probably sounds a little off, but what I mean is, I've been asking him to bring me the guy that won't leave.  You see...I have this amazing ability to befriend good guys (and sometimes bad ones, I tend to see a glimmer of gold and try to bring it to the surface, even when the person containing the glimmer is trying to hide it) and build up these amazing friendships, and everything seems awesome.  They're great.  We're great.  I have someone to go to parties or movies or dinner with.  It's not a dating relationship.  They aren't physical.  I just invest my heart in this friendship because I want this guy to have the best things he can.  I want to make sure he knows that he's amazing and hilarious and beautiful and that God is going to do great things with him as long as He lets God lead.  Great things, right?  I think so.

But then something changes.  

This something is always a girl.

Now, I'm not saying that this is a bad thing.  Actually, this is usually a great thing for them.  Usually the girl they find is someone incredible who (in more cases than I could have expected) end up being the woman they chose to marry and live as happily ever after as the world will allow (as the incomparable Jean Ferris once said in Love Among the Walnuts, read it, you'll love it).

I won't deny that usually right after this happens, I am heartbroken.  The person I have come to rely on as much as I rely on my own heart leaves.  I can't blame them for this.  Most of them (let's be honest, all of them) never saw me as anything beyond one of the guys or a sister.  It is a role I am good at, but it wears down the soul after because over the years, I have begun to worry that maybe I'm not desirable at all.

To each and every sweet person and friend and sister who has tried to convince me otherwise, I love you.  Thank you.

It isn't to say that I don't know, somewhere in me, that this isn't true.  That I am desirable and worth fighting for and pursuing.  It's just that after years of rejection and being passed over...there's not much left in the bank of self-esteem and self-confidence that is left to speak of.

Worse than that, somewhere along the way, I have lost track of my purpose and forgotten how to find my value in God.  How did I stray so far from where I was as a kid?  I think I just started seeking my worth in the wrong places.  I put so much faith in the first guy I dated, and instead of remembering that God loved me completely and should be my center, I started letting my boyfriend edge in on the place that was sacred and supposed to house no one outside of God.

Honestly, how do you let one person (no matter how "amazing" you believe them to be or how amazing they really are) take the place of the LORD of the Universe?

Again, I'm not saying it was my then boyfriend's fault.  It is fully and completely mine.  I should never have let this change of command take place.  Ever since, there's always been an ache and an gap in my heart that I have been trying to fill.

I have filled it with food, with lust, my relationships, with anger...with a lot of things I am not proud of.


Tonight, I want to reclaim this place, this very center of my heart and soul, for my LORD.  

It will take a lot of time and intentional prayer and work, but I can do this.  I can do this because it will mean I am finally recognizing that only God can give me the love, validation, and worth that I seek.

If you're struggling with this, I hope you I can encourage you.  I know this is a struggle.  I have been struggling with this for years, but change has to start now.  Let's not live our whole lives only to realize we haven't actually lived or loved.  Let's let God well up from the center of who we are and overflow into our whole lives and show people what love really is.

God give us strength and joy.

Love,
J

ps.  I have been seriously neglecting doing this, so I apologize, and here is my List of Favorite Things at This Very Moment (12:03 am CST):

• The Good Women Project (which is a constant source of encouragement and joy and faith being restored)
• The Glee soundtracks (always a classy good time.  Especially if Finn or Mercedes is singing...joy! Amber, thank you for this!)
• Colorful nailpolish (reminds me of the good bits of me, and brings me a little self-confidence boost when I can wear some crazy color in public, it's a start, right?)
• My loving and wonderful sisters who keep me accountable (you ladies are awesome ALL the time)
• Foxtrot by Bill Amend (always a GREAT comic strip when you need a smile)
• You.  Honestly.  

Questions. I've Got Some Questions.

You may not be calling me a liar, but I am pretty sure I am.

Currently, the youth group I work with is going through Joshua Harris's video series "I Kissed Dating Goodbye," and tonight's discussion was on purity. This hit home. I've been wearing a ring since I was 18 that is just a plain silver band with the word "purity" written on it. I'm not going to pretend that I'm a super pure person or that I've made all the right choices, but I've been trying.

My real concern is this: what am I doing to really promote purity? What am I doing to maintain my purity? Or to help others maintain their's?

More so...am I being pure in my current relationships?

I've become friends with a guy in the past few months that I think is something beyond incredible, but I'm not sure I'm really seeking his highest good. I think a lot of what I want also is seeking his highest good, but I don't think my intentions are pure. This worries me.

How does a person seek the highest good of another and put their purity as something worthy of protecting and maintaining?

So, so, so many questions.

A Few Good Words & a New Social Experiment

(The above painting is called "Winter Melody" and it's by Leonard Afremov)

I have been staring at my blog off and on all day. For awhile now I've been wondering what I'm doing writing this thing. It was one thing to have a Xanga (which I still do: crashesthewho), but to have a blog that I just kinda have off to myself...it seems strange at times.

I guess it all comes down to having my own little corner in the world. I'm not saying anything big or necessarily anything different, but I am saying something. My voice isn't very loud and I don't try to draw much attention to myself, but I'm still doing something. I'm questioning life and reality and dreams and hope and love.

This blog is just a way to say aloud all the questions and fears and dreams and wonder that I have tumbling around in my head. Sometimes this little quiet corner is just about the only place I say what's really in my heart.

Today though, as I was once again questioning what the purpose of all of this truly was, I saw that I had a comment. This doesn't happen very often, so it's always nice to see when it does, but this comment was different. It was from someone anonymous, and it was a lovely comment. I have to admit I've been feeling pretty withdrawn and alone today, and my anonymous friend probably doesn't realize this, but their words meant a great deal.

Every day I wonder if I ever touch lives even in the smallest of ways, and it was nice to hear that something I draw and the things I write actually are finding their way into the lives of other people. I needed that reminder.

After a great deal of time by myself today, I started thinking...I wonder what would happen if I spend each day focusing on making one person's life better? Even if I can't do anything major, what if I just try to make one person's life a little easier or better? Say I focus on making one of my brothers' lives better: I could make sure their chores are done or pick them up their favorite soda. Nothing huge, but just a little something that they might not expect. Or maybe call a friend or write them a letter to let them know they're important to me. Little things. (Have you noticed that I'm real into doing the little things? ha.) I think I'm going to try it for awhile and see what happens. Just another mini social experiment.

Searchers

"You seem like a person use to consequences."
- Princess Ithaca, "Princess"

I find it amazing how often situations go wrong because we don't tell the truth.

If we were honest with ourselves and each other, so many complications could be avoided. It's the many secrets and masks we wear that cause problems. that's what breaks hearts and tangles us in webs.

If we were honest with each other, life would be easier. We would not be broken by false hope. Life would still be just as romantic.

I realize that the pain we feel often allows us to feel joy more deeply, but...I do believe that we should be more honest about ourselves. Why do we not ask questions or give true answers?

We're scared and we're searching. But if we're all scared and we're all searching...shouldn't that be all the more reason to be honest? To be searchers together?

After all, what is any good story without a search? Every life contains a quest. A search for meaning. A search for love. If a person is smart, it seems that they realize those two searches are actually intertwined.