(46) Bitter

After you answer a phone to a crying voice
& realize you're hearing a breaking heart...
you start hearing the echo
in your own words
in your own broken soul
I don't want to feel bitter
this was supposed to be something we could work through
you listen & you realize...
this is your heart too
You don't want this broken bitterness
& your heart stuck in a self-destructive repeat
but the pain is still real
these wounds aren't just skin deep

so you comfort the tired voice
at the other end of the line
you pray for their mending heart
you wish them the better ending
the one you never got
because your stories follow these
parallel story lines
& you almost forgot
that a story like this can still have a happy ending

Their's will end better
Their heart is still beating right
& you actually believe it
when you hear yourself saying
it will all be alright

It will all be alright
It will all be alright

Today is Something Good

Today, despite my body's insistence that it heal slower than I'd like and my right ear's insistence in feeling mildly achy, has been beautiful.

Today, I ate peanut M&M's and they didn't make my stomach feel terrible.

Today, I found the water bottle I accidently (and partially due to lazy/tiredness didn't return to retrieve before) left at work in the exact spot I left it.

Today, I was paid today (not much, but something that will keep me afloat for a little bit longer).

Today, I paid my cell bill and realized I still have some money to start putting toward doctor bills.

Today, I spent a lot of time this afternoon watching the first season of SNL with my brother, Forrest today which gave me a lot to laugh at.

Today, I was told that my crush on Chevy Chase was perfectly reasonable.

Today, I got to spend some actual time reading a book that, despite being a dating book (The Ten Commandments of Dating by Ben Young & Dr. Samuel Adams), is actually causing me to look at my own outlook on life and start working toward real and healthy change.

Today, Jordan told me he has a new low horse named Cloudy O'Sanchez (I told you I would use it, and this isn't the end).

Today, I sang along to a mix I made myself to help get over someone, and found that it feels a lot more empowering and hopeful than it did at the beginning because now I can see that I'm actually healed up and heading forward.

Today, a box was delivered to my house (via my wonderful sister Amanda) full of love from some of my favorite Georgians.  The box included a shark hat Marcus and Regina found on their honeymoon, a book of devotions, a giftcard to Starbucks (YES!), eye shadow, sweet notes from people I love, an awesome new blanket, the bouquet I was supposed to carry for Marcus and Regina's wedding (which is now being displayed on my dresser right next the the bouquet I carried in Amber and Jake's wedding), and a sweet tote bag.  I feel so loved.

Today, I found out my wonderful Nikky, her sweet husband and my stud of a nephew made it back safely from their month-long trip to China.  I have missed them more than words can say.

Today, Amber gave me the recipe she used to make pumpkin pie smoothies, and I am not intending to make them in the incredibly near future.

Today, I bought pie crusts so that I can use this great fall weather to get some baking done.

Today, my mom came home from work and handed me to my own copies of both "Fletch" and "Sense & Sensibility."  They're on VHS, but I can work this that.  I'm excited.

Today, my mom also came home from work bearing the October Real Simple and "The North Avenue Irregulars" DVD which the library got for me through interlibrary loan (I love interlibrary loan, what a wonderful program).

Today, I spent a lot of time hearing our wonderful heater going on and off.  I do so enjoy the weather getting cooler and fall settling in.

Today has been beautiful and it has been easy to see God at work.  I hope your today has been something great for you.

I Am Loved

Beautiful letter care package sent to me by Kim, Amber, Hilary, Regina,  Garble & Jeff

 I am so loved.  The picture above is the care package that came for me last week.  It came with instructions on when I could read each my beautiful letters and gave me a full week of love from some of the crew down at ABC who I dearly love and miss.  I have been writing letters back the rest of the week.  Every time I look at those letters or that envelope or write a letter back...it is impossible not to feel like I could explode because of how incredibly loved and filled with love I really am.  It blows me away, and it's a joy to know that I am as loved and missed by these amazing people as I love and miss them.

Amy holding Mara with Colton & I

Mara & Colton holding hands...how cute is that?

 The two previous pictures are of my wonderful friend Amy holding her niece Mara (my psuedo niece) and me holding our friends Carrie & Jerry's little boy, Colton.  I include these pictures because I am missing Amy like crazy today.  I got a letter and a mix cd from her in the mail today.  It is hands down the best mix I have received in ages.  It reminded me just how very much I am completely and totally loved.  I needed this love today because I have been home feeling a little like death.  But Amy's mix and the note that I am so very loved...it blew me away and reminded me of all the awesome times we had this summer.  I am so loved.

Adios for now.  Remember...YOU ARE LOVED!  By me and by God.  <3

The Amazing Amy Cunningham

(The lovely Amy Cunningham attempting to eat one of the cream puffs from China Buffet even though Morgan had just made some pretty sketchy comments about their taste and condition. Forever the courageous one.)

The Traveling IL Summer Mix (Summer 2011):

1. Blessings - Laura Story


2. Wait and See - Brandon Heath


3. Hands - The Almost


4. Sing, Sing, Sing - Chris Tomlin


5. This is Love - Aaron Winner


6. Praise You in this Storm - Casting Crowns


7. Alive Again - Matt Maher


8. Washed by the Water - Needtobreathe


9. Our Love is Loud - David Crowder Band


10. Hello Hurricane - Switchfoot


11. Hold Us Together - Matt Maher


12. Love is Here - Tenth Avenue North


13. Wait for the Morning - Aaron Winner


14. God of this City - Chris Tomlin


15. How Great - David Crowder Band


16. YHWH Saves - Aaron Winner


17. How He Loves - David Crowder Band


18. Love Never Fails - Brandon Heath

This was the mix I made for Amy. I feel it was the soundtrack for our summer.

Tonight I went with Amy and my brother Joel to dinner at Taco Bell, a classy dinner to be sure, and it was a great pointless casual dinner. I enjoyed it a great deal and I think they both did as well. The thing about it though is that it was my last evening with Amy before she left. Sad days.

Amy and I really didn't know each other before this summer. We knew about each other and had met, but we weren't really friends. That all changed the night she decided to get in my car to go to Jay's and it would lead to a really hilarious road trip up to MN Camp and a lot of swapped stories about lives and loves and families and favorites.

You ever meet someone who you just feel at ease with? Someone who brings out the best in you? Amy is like that for me. She's one of those great people who sees the good in you and makes you better for it.

I'm glad I came home this summer. I think getting to know Amy was definitely one of the reasons God brought me home, and I am grateful for that.

Life is good. God is good. Thank goodness for hilarious summers and great friends like the amazing Amy Cunningham.

Good Luck to You & Happy Valentine's Day

("Extraordinary Mind" by Andre Jordan...this was what made me love his work from the very start)



Favorite things of this very moment (8:22 pm EST):

• My freaking iPod
• Purple boxes full of Kleenex
• Two sleeping puppies curled up on the floor
• Knowing that people I love are in love
• The Damnwells

I NEED to escape. There's only so much I can do before my heart explodes. Thankfully I have projects of my own to deal with. Bruno Mars has a voice that could probably soothe anything stressful and wrinkled out of my system. The ironic thing is I have been totally fine all day. How exactly is it that a person can feel sane and normal until after 8pm. Maybe I'm just not good at dealing with the night.

On the other hand, I'm pretty sure I'm completely blessed. I was given a completely wonderful letter by my lovely roommate, Amber today. Made me cry, and made me super happy. Sometimes you just really need someone to tell you that they think you're awesome. Especially when you question that about yourself. I'm always questioning something anymore.

Oh look a distraction!

Life is beautiful, and I am grateful for the infinite amounts of love and kindness I have frequently been the recipient of lately...well really, I've always been this blessed. I just have a tendency to forget that.

I am grateful for Amber because she reminds me that I'm wonderful and tries to keep me grounded in reality when my heart is trying to run off without my head. Especially since lately my heart seems highly disconnected from reality. And I talk too much. Way too much.

I am grateful for Jake who adores Amber and is a brother to me now, even if that never becomes a legal reality. I'm glad he's a part of my life and I hope that never changes.

I am grateful for Nikky because she puts up with all my nonsense and still loves me. Even when I'm highly undeserving and an undeniable whiner. Really, she deserves a better best friend than me, but I hope she knows how much I love her. She doesn't hear it nearly often enough.

I am grateful for my mother. I'm not sure if she will ever realize how much of the time she is what is holding me together in the end. When my world is falling apart, my mother is usually the one who tells me I'm alright and that God will keep me together if I just let Him. How often do I need that kind of reminder? More often than I want to admit.

And God is good. Beyond good. God is amazing, and then more so. He's blessed me with a family that believes in me and is proud of me, and He's blessed me with friends who have my back and remind me that I really am something beautiful in my own time.

One last bit before I leave you. It's a verse that I've loved for a long, long time, and it's the one I always think of around Valentine's Day, so bear with me. This is Song of Solomon 2:7 from The Message:

"Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer: Don't excite love, don't stir it up, until the time is ripe - and you're ready."

Faithfulness

(A picture of myself and some of the wonderful, beloved people in my life)

I am grateful for the amazing people God has placed in my life. I'm sure you don't always believe that because I'm a bit of a mess a great portion of the time, but it's still true. God blesses me constantly with the amazing people He has put in my life. I hope I can be a blessing to them as well.

I am currently being challenged on a lot of levels by quite a few different people and situations, and my big concern right now is to figure out how to be the most loving and passionate in my pursuit of faithfulness to God. I have no idea what I am doing at this point, but I want to continue to step out in faith knowing that win or lose, I am being faithful in my actions. My willingness to fall and fail is key. I do believe we need to be tested in our faith at times, and I am fairly certain my ability to remain faithful is being tested as we speak. Please pray that I continue to move forward in faithfulness even when the road seems to dark to see.

My question for you this week is this: how can you be faithful to God? What are you doing to be faithful?

I'm Sorry Arkansas, But It's Unavoidable.

Lucky Penny

(The 3 pennies I found yesterday at various points...I think they were lucky)




Favorite things of this very moment (4:14 pm EST):

• Hearing the ridiculous guitar riff that signals a text from Jordan
• The Textfree application on Amber's iPod
• Having one of the world's coolest roommates (honestly)
• Italian Blood Orange Soda
• Crayons
• Having a clean kitchen
• Knowing I am blessed

Right now I want to email my mother.

This is not a physical impossibility nor am I trying to say that she is unable to be reached by email at this time...in fact I would probably hear back from her before the end of the day if I emailed her right now. The problem is, it makes me homesick.

Living 800+ miles away from the other 5 members of your immediate family is a difficult challenge. Especially when you've lived with them for all but 9 months of your 24 years of life.

My mother is an incredible woman. In her email to me today she reminded me that God did not get me this far away from home only to leave me and abandon me. God knows what He's doing, even though I haven't a clue.

My mother is, as always, very right.

God will not leave me, He will not forsake me, and He will provide for me. I am following His call, and He does not disappoint. He does not fail to keep his promises.

God is good.

I know my mother is right for a variety of reasons, but let me just point out the most obvious examples of the truth she reminded me of:

My friend Jake (who is also my amazing roommate Amber's boyfriend) is here in Amber & I's apartment for almost every meal. He practically lives with us, and that's not an issue. Having him around is actually pretty great, plus, Amber and I both have a tendency to want to feed everyone all the time.

For the past few days I have been wondering how on earth I'm going to be able to help Amber buy groceries because I still haven't found a job and my bank account is dwindling. Amber had already come up with a plan, but that mainly was just her way of saying she'd cover our groceries until I found a job. Incredibly sweet, incredibly generous, but I didn't want to have to do that unless there were no other options.

And God blessed Amber and I both.

Last night as Amber and I are getting dinner together, Jake announces he's decided it's his turn to buy groceries. I just remember staring at him for a moment. Amber did too I think. He said since he was always here, and we tend to try and feed him that he wanted to buy groceries this time around. He said we just had to make sure we had a list and he'd take care of it.

Last night God provided Amber and I with groceries through the kindness of a friend. Thank you, Jake. And thank you for your creative provisioning God.

But then something else happened.

My friend, Calvin has been using my car to get back and forth to work the past 2 days (and will the rest of the week if he'd like to) because I thought it would be the easiest way to go. I didn't think too much of it. I just wanted to make sure he got safetly too and from work.

When he came in last night to drop off my car keys, he asked how many gallons of gas my car holds. I thought it was an odd question, but let him know, and he said that this made sense. Apparently he'd practically filled up my gas tank last night just because he could. I had been wondering for the past few days if I would be able to pay to put gas in my car...

Thank you, Calvin. And thank you God for providing me with what I needed to keep moving. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

God takes care of me. Every single day. In so many, many ways. Most of the time I am sure I overlook them and take them for granted...but these were just so lovely. So obvious. So wonderful.

I feel really blessed right now. I'm surrounded by wonderful people: Amber (one of the kindest, funniest people I know); genuinely honorable men of God like Jake, Mitch, and Calvin; Regina (who is always willing to help); and Nola & Bob and Uncle Jon, Aunt Sarah, & the kids (my wonderful, wonderful family). Not to mention having a really kind set of "adopted" parents in Randy & Rhonda Barton.

God is so, so good.