Good Luck to You & Happy Valentine's Day

("Extraordinary Mind" by Andre Jordan...this was what made me love his work from the very start)



Favorite things of this very moment (8:22 pm EST):

• My freaking iPod
• Purple boxes full of Kleenex
• Two sleeping puppies curled up on the floor
• Knowing that people I love are in love
• The Damnwells

I NEED to escape. There's only so much I can do before my heart explodes. Thankfully I have projects of my own to deal with. Bruno Mars has a voice that could probably soothe anything stressful and wrinkled out of my system. The ironic thing is I have been totally fine all day. How exactly is it that a person can feel sane and normal until after 8pm. Maybe I'm just not good at dealing with the night.

On the other hand, I'm pretty sure I'm completely blessed. I was given a completely wonderful letter by my lovely roommate, Amber today. Made me cry, and made me super happy. Sometimes you just really need someone to tell you that they think you're awesome. Especially when you question that about yourself. I'm always questioning something anymore.

Oh look a distraction!

Life is beautiful, and I am grateful for the infinite amounts of love and kindness I have frequently been the recipient of lately...well really, I've always been this blessed. I just have a tendency to forget that.

I am grateful for Amber because she reminds me that I'm wonderful and tries to keep me grounded in reality when my heart is trying to run off without my head. Especially since lately my heart seems highly disconnected from reality. And I talk too much. Way too much.

I am grateful for Jake who adores Amber and is a brother to me now, even if that never becomes a legal reality. I'm glad he's a part of my life and I hope that never changes.

I am grateful for Nikky because she puts up with all my nonsense and still loves me. Even when I'm highly undeserving and an undeniable whiner. Really, she deserves a better best friend than me, but I hope she knows how much I love her. She doesn't hear it nearly often enough.

I am grateful for my mother. I'm not sure if she will ever realize how much of the time she is what is holding me together in the end. When my world is falling apart, my mother is usually the one who tells me I'm alright and that God will keep me together if I just let Him. How often do I need that kind of reminder? More often than I want to admit.

And God is good. Beyond good. God is amazing, and then more so. He's blessed me with a family that believes in me and is proud of me, and He's blessed me with friends who have my back and remind me that I really am something beautiful in my own time.

One last bit before I leave you. It's a verse that I've loved for a long, long time, and it's the one I always think of around Valentine's Day, so bear with me. This is Song of Solomon 2:7 from The Message:

"Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer: Don't excite love, don't stir it up, until the time is ripe - and you're ready."

I wonder how long I'll let song lyrics say all my words for me.

It's just something I think about

when they're echoing, echoing

in the hollows of my heart

And the sound bounces around

like driftwood in the waves

pounds in my ears

like those same waves on the rocks

Do I live?

Or am I dying?

Somedays I struggle

to see the difference

Sunlight bathes me in gold

Still something in me feels cold

Why can't I react?

Is my heart still intact?

Because you tell me you miss me

Since when is that so?

You take me by surprise

but what's the motivation?

Perhaps you've finally realized

that I am magic and light

trying to escape into a world

of moonlight

Or perhaps it's fear

Soon I'll be far from this place

Who will you love, or more importantly,

who will love you?

Because I'll be learning something new

Far from you

in a place you can't reach

Maybe I'll forget you

Maybe then I'll speak my own words

not just this beautiful, rhythmic code

that always keeps me safe

from how I feel for you

I've Tied My Hands

Favorite things of this very moment (11:21 am CST):

• Chad Vaccarino and his lovely voice
• Nikky's lovely mixes...she's a genius with music in English and Korean
• Heat
• Hearing the dryer running downstairs
• Knowing I have gingerbread cookies I could be making
• Being honest with myself and with the people I love
• Proving myself wrong in a good way
• Time

This morning I gave a friend of mine some advice. He hadn't asked, but I was watching him deal with a girl I'm pretty sure he's liked for longer than he'll admit, and it drove me nuts. I am a woman of action. I do not do well holding still, and watching him spend most of his weekend with this girl constantly with him made me wonder what he was really going to do.

He and I have talked about it a time or two before, but he doesn't seem to believe in long distance relationships. He feels like they can't work, and I find this hilarious. Yes, long distance relationships are hard. Yes, they are a constant struggle to maintain, but if you actually want to be with someone, aren't the good ones worth the fight?

This morning I told him he needs to do something. Take some kind of action. Either he needs to tell his girl what's really on his hard and take a leap of faith, or he needs to leave her alone.

I may not be an expert on love, but I'm pretty sure she really likes him too. I don't think she would have traveled 800 or so miles to come to a retreat by herself if she hadn't wanted to see him. Yes, she had other friends that came to the retreat we were all at, but honestly, she seemed to have eyes only for him. I know the look. I use to have the same one when he was around, so I'm not just throwing out ideas for no reason.

If he cares for her at all, even just as a friend, he'll do something. He'll either tell her that he's frightened, but he wants to try, or he'll tell her that they can't be together because he can't handle the distance and let her mend. Otherwise, he's just going to keep tearing her open again, and even if she's not my favorite person (which, sadly, she's not), no one deserves to feel like a yo-yo in someone else's hands.

I've said my piece. Either way, in a sense, this ties my hands. And I'm glad.

"The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth." - William Shakespeare

For Jordan - Semptember 2009:

1. Hey Jealousy - The Gin Blossoms
2. Don't Ask Me Why - Billy Joel
3. I Try - Macy Gray
4. My Love - Lykke Li
5. Shooting Shark - Blue Oyster Cult
6. Whipping Boy - Train
7. In Love Without You - Brandon Clark
8. Finding Me - Vertical Horizon
9. I Want to Be the Boy - The White Stripes
10. Good Love is on the Way - John Mayer
11. Your Way - Jamie Cullum
12. Call Me on Your Way Back Home - Ryan Adams
13. You've Got Her in Your Pocket - The White Stripes
14. Zebraskin - Dredg
15. I Want You So Bad - Heart
16. I Wanna Be a Kennedey - Kill Hannah
17. Careless - Ella Fitzgerald
18. Forever Young - So They Say
19. Cold Desert - Kings of Leon

I've been thinking a lot about being in love with people who are never going to actually going to love you back. This sucks a lot. Unrequited love...

Anyway...that cd is a mix made for a friend who is in that situation. Sometimes the person you think is truly perfect and wonderful and beautiful and fantastic and brilliant and hilarious...but maybe they aren't. How often do we lie to ourselves?

I want to be the exception. To be the girl that throws off one guys life and existence.

Jordan shouldn't have to take a backseat to anyone. Nikky shouldn't and neither should I.

Just a thought.

Ann Arbor, MI

This will sound random, well, because it is more than anything else, random, but, never the less, I think if Nikky and I weren't moving to SC, we should move to Ann Arbor, MI. Now, my reason is a serious bit shallow, but I'm going to go with it: Borders 1 is there. Now, let's think about this a bit. If Borders 1 is in Ann Arbor, this means that whenever they do musicians or promote new books or movies, that's where they are. Borders 1 is the reason I knew who Paolo Nuatini was initially. I just finished watching a clip of when Wes Anderson and Jason Schwartzman were there promoting "The Darjeeling Limited," and all I could think was how incredible it would be to live in a place where you would actually get to see amazing musical acts and celebrities on a regular basis...just by being in a bookstore. Wow. Mind blowing a little bit.

Alright. That's really all I wanted to say.

Oh, that and I have cousins that live in Ann Arbor and my Aunt Maxine taught at a college there...that couldn't hurt.

Just a ponderable thought.

A Tribute to Pointlessness

Favorite things of this very moment (1:08 pm):

• Transworld SURF magazine (I got my first issue yesterday and have been reading it ever since)
• http://www.timmycurran.com/ Check it out and download his cd "Word of Mouth" for free. It's actually a pretty sweet cd. (I found him in Transworld SURF because he is well...a surfer. haha)
• ITunes, despite it's quirks at times. (that and the fact that I still do not own an Ipod....someday...*sigh* haha)
• My white long-sleeved turtleneck sweater thingy (got me a lot of compliments on Sunday and it really is warm)
• Seeing David Ortiz on Regis & Kelly this morning (don't even ask why I was watching Regis & Kelly...I really am NOT a fan...but for David Ortiz...)
• Smiling

I'm doing way too many things at once. I'm trying to write this entry, delete music off Itunes, and email some other friends. Too much thought all at once. I think I'll focus on this first.

I should be reading my homework, but I've been needing a day off from life for awhile, so I'm slow to do anything I don't really want to do. As a result I've done very little outside of laundry, showering, listening to music, and enjoying Transworld SURF. I'm such a dork, but this magazine...fabulous.

I guess there's not much a point to this outside of the list. Forgive me. I don't have a lot of deep thoughts today...I just am in an insanely good mood for absolutely no reason and felt the need to share it. So I think I'll leave you with this fabulous note:

"life-lumps": testicles. Yes...that's what I've learned from reading Walt Whitman. :) I do love his poetry...for so many reasons. haha.