Full Speed Into the Dark

Favorite things of this very moment (3:16 PM EST):

• Unsweetened ice tea from The Millhouse (Angie is the best)
• Plans to head to Atlanta tomorrow afternoon to hang out with Shelby for the weekend
• Motor World (because Daddy got me completely hooked on this pointless game)
• Remembering that I have Oreos in my room from Calle (sweet)
• The possibility that Jordan and I will be heading to TN for a day to see Amber, Jake and Ellie at CWS and then spending the weekend with friends in Atlanta in a couple weeks

I need to move again.  I'm back to being antsy and unsettled and frustrated.  I need my own boundaries, privacy and a clean kitchen.  It's time to face everything I'm truly scared of at this point, and move out on my own.

For years now I've just figured my life would follow the path that seems pretty traditional in my family (and for many of my friends as well) where I would just go to school and live with family and/or friends until I found the right person and settled down.  At that point I'd expect to move out and deal with all the joy and wonder of normal rent/housing everything, but I'd also be facing it with the person I plan to face all my future challenges with.  This is not my life.

It's kind of hilarious when I start thinking about the fact that there has ever been a hope that my life would follow a traditional pattern.  Nothing I do seems to go by any cultural/social norms within my family or just the circles I am a part of.  I am, instead, a gypsy.  A nomad.  A wanderer.  Mind you, this is not strictly by choice in any traditional sense, but rather, I begin to get comfortable or use to a place, and I find myself being nudged onward.  Always onward.  Packing my bags, my life, my car back up and heading to the next place.

I don't regret the places and people I've been introduced to along the way.  I don't regret following God's leading to new places.  I don't regret any of that.  I've lived a life few can claim.  My locals haven't been exotic.  I haven't gone to new countries or had to learn new languages, but I've lived in different cities among different people in different states.  Each place is a new culture to learn with new stories and traditions, and in each place I have met people or grown relationships that have helped me to continue to grow into the woman I am trying to become.  I've learned new skills and learned about my shortcomings.  This life grows me and stretches the bounds of my heart.  It tests my trust in God, and it scares the living daylights out of me.

There is a longing in me that wishes I could've lived that other life.  Lived the life where I went to a secular college, become a psychologist or a librarian or taught literature or art history somewhere, found a normal guy, got married, had kids.  My folks were married with 2 kids at this point.  One of my brothers is married.  Most of my close friends are married with little ones.  If I'd have picked my life out of a stack, that would've been the life I chose.

But God knows better.

Lord knows I'm a wanderer by nature, and I love the travel.  I just really wish I could find home again.  Maybe moving out on my own after all these years will find my heart at rest, or maybe I'll just realize I'm beginning the next step onto a new path and into a new adventure. Whatever I'm facing, I'm holding onto God's goodness and praying that I'm discerning enough to see where He's leading and brave enough to follow.

Here I hold to Elizabeth Gilbert's words defining faith as "walking full speed into the dark." Here I go.

(75) Not Finished Yet

There's not much of a map
for where I'm going
but I know I'll get there
God's got hig hands on this

It feels crazy
moving state to state
love the excitement & joy
that I feel
sometimes it still seems hard
to believe I could
be this lucky
or be this blessed

Don't know what all
God is doing here
but he's not finished
with me-with this-
yet

(71) Here I Come. Blessed.

A few more hours

& I'll be on the road. 

Just one more to-do list

& then a new life

How did I get so lucky

to have so many

people love me

& so many homes open

to me

& so much freedom

to go

I don't have to know all

to know I'm blessed

(70) On I Go

My eyes are weary

My heart is worn

but my mother is proud of me

& so my heart is also warm

I am not worried

if this is right

everything points to the good,

but it's still a little sad

Never quite felt 

completely my own

never quite felt

like this was my home

Sorry to leave

those I love

once again

but I have no doubt

I'm headed to

where I always

Should've been

(68) Rife with Miracles

High hopes & gingerbread M&M's
Not sure where life is going
but at least it's going
there's light again
Rife with miracles
Sometimes you just gotta
hear someone tell you,
remind you,
that your life is beautiful
& that you're work has meaning
Sometimes seeing this side
of morning so many times
make you wonder
if you're still doing
anything right

(66) Ah. Weeks.

No work, but so many responsibilities
packing & cleaning
a story to write
& books to read
people to visit
places to see
so little money
so little time
& here I sit
Still thinking about rhymes
while watching NetFlix
& avoiding the subject
because uncertainty
is what I see
Sometimes I think
I'm the one avoiding me
because at the end of the day
who should answer any
of these questions
but me

(53) So it Begins

I walk into this room

I eye the cheerful mess

the weird balance of color 

the quotes written out on the walls

& I realize this is home

a home I'm going to leave

Sure I'm off for adventures

& this move is my next big step

but what if I fall?

What if I fail?

I'm seeing that this time 

there's no net

& I wonder if I am really ready for this

I guess every high wire act

has to pass the test

eventually it just doesn't change the fact

that I'm scared of diving in

Tomorrow I'll pack another box

& check off more from my to do list

I'll fake it till I make it

because eventually it won't feel

like I'm just fooling everyone

Maybe someday soon,

I'll open my eyes

& realizing this is me

standing on my own 2 feet

So it begins

Not a Tree

A wonderful friend of mine sent me this picture this past week.  It made me laugh at the time, and it still does.  As much as I love and adore trees and all they do, I am glad I am not a tree.  I'm far, far too restless to be a tree.  

I love my life.  I love my hilarious, quirky, brilliant, insane, warm, thoughtful, talented family (including David's amazing Kelsey), and I really am dreading being far away from them.  At the same time, I know that who I am right now is not going to serve anyone at all.  I am becoming stagnant here.  If I were a tree, I would be flourishing, but sadly, I am not a tree.  Instead I'm a little more wild, a lot more quixotic, and, most important, I have legs.  It's time I learn to stand on them.

Today I have begun the arduous task of packing.  I realize that as I am moving two weeks from today that I probably should have been working on this long before, but I'm a procrastinator, especially when I'm frightened or overwhelmed.  As a result, I have been making some serious to-do lists.  I wrote one for myself this morning before church because I figured if I went ahead and made out a list I might be more inclined to accomplish something.  It seems to have worked because when I got home today I immediately started putting things away and pulled out the first box to fill.  As of this moment I have all but a few last books packed.  When I am finished typing this up I will start going through my cds and hopefully have all of them packed up within the next hour or so.  After that, I am not sure where I will head, but, with luck, my momentum will carry me through a couple more boxes and I will be much closer to be finished that I was when I woke up this morning.  

Today also began a line of plans to do some visiting with people.  I will be going to grab some Chinese with friends at my favorite Chinese restaurant in Freeport on Tuesday night, and might be hanging out with a friend on Thursday as well.  I'm sure there will be many more last minute visits over the next two weeks.  

So now I begin my deep breathing, continue with my constant prayer, say a lot of thank you's, accept well-wishes and blessings, and start walking.  God didn't make me to be a tree, so it's time to move on.

How You Ever Gonna Know

Everything is exactly the same tonight, but that's really just the surface.  My room is still a complete train wreck with it's overflow of boxes, blankets, books, and papers, but I'm not the same.

I've been sitting here for the past several hours listening to a warped array of music from Ella Fitzgerald to The Features to a little Garth Brooks and slowly letting it sink in that in less than a month I will no longer live here.  It scares the living bejeebers out of me.  I have lived with my folks for the past 26 years (not including the 18 months I lived in Atlanta for school), and I am realizing I have no idea what I'm doing.

Over the past several months I have spent a lot of time talking to God and trying to truly trust him.  I know he's not going to drop me on my head, and I know this little tug in my heart pulling me forward is from him...I just wish I wasn't still struggling to believe.

Going to Ohio is the right thing to do.  I need to force myself out.  To take this next step.  To have faith that even if it seems insane, this will prove to be something amazing.  God isn't going to let me down.

Tonight I will take a couple more deep breaths.  I will work the sleep out of my curled up right leg, and I will add a few more to-do's to my to-do list.  I will hold God's promises to my heart knowing He's got only my best in mind, and also holding to the thought that there are many more good deeds to be done and hearts to be warmed.

Good things will come of this bit of insanity, even if it's not what I'm expecting.

Wish me luck,
J

ps.  Favorite Things of This Very Moment (10:41 pm):

• Newly photocopied recipes to try
• Slipper boots
• Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie
• Names
• To-do lists
• Sleep leaving my legs
• Dangly silver earrings
• Hope

I Can Haz Wizard?

Picture by Jon H. Cheatwood
at the Jacob & Amber Ballard wedding reception
on June 9, 2012

So much is happening in my life these days.  This statement seems ironic considering I was told today that I have to stay out of work for roughly one more week so that my back will heal properly, but even with that holding me up from working and running around like normal, life is busy.

A week ago today I was trying to make sure a group of boys was recovering from a party, locating a dress for a rehearsal for an incredible wedding (and succeeding for the first time ever to locate a dress I loved this much so quickly), falling a little bit in love with someone while cheerfully realizing all my feelings for someone else had genuinely been erased by his stupidity and poor decision making skills, indulging my femininity, trying to make sure everything that needed to be down was done, trying to figure out what I needed to say in my toast, doing laundry, and thanking God for Jordan Durham every chance I got.  It was a crazy day, but I loved it.

Every minute of that week made me feel alive and necessary.  I was being asked to run errands, for my opinion, to help with things, to organize, to fix situations, to visit people, and I was highly in demand and desired.  I want every day for that to be the case.  Sure that life is a little crazy, but in Ohio I knew I had purpose.

For the past few months, well, for the past year or so really, I have been trying to figure out what I should be working towards in my life with little real break in the case.  When I was traveling in April, it was suggested by a variety of people that I move to South Carolina, Ohio, and back to Atlanta.  I have been thinking about that ever since.  At this point, I think I have figured out where I will be heading next, and I am beginning the process of making it happen.

My goal is to be moving in September.  I have no idea how to make that happen quite yet, but I do know that I will be attempting to save money this summer and looking for work in my new location.  I will also need to start truly downsizing.  I do not need to move so much junk.  I don't need to own so much junk.  Hopefully I will be able to donate many things to people who will love them more than I will, and it will be glorious.

Be praying on all fronts I guess.  I am thrilled to be rid of one ridiculous and destructive relationship, and I am hoping to eventually jump into a relationship with a real man.  This year, my twenty-sixth year, is already causing all kinds of havoc and change, and as messy as it already is and as scary as a move will be, it is time.  I am going to step out in faith and see where God lets me land.

One last thing, I have just this afternoon finished a new mix for my amazing, hilarious Jordan (mail is heading your way soon, my friend).  I hope he enjoys it, and I hope you will too.

I Can Haz Wizard?:
1. Daylight - Matt & Kim
2. Anna Molly - Incubus
3. Live My Life - Far East Movement feat. Justin Beiber
4. She Can Get It - Kevin Rudolf
5. And I - Box Car Racer
6. She Talks to Angels - The Black Crows
7. Down - Blink-182
8. We Use to Wait - Arcade Fire
9. Near Enough - Metasomatic
10. Good Arms vs. Bad Arms - Frightened Rabbit
11. Bitter - Teddy Geiger
12. Kiss on Me - Tyler Hilton
13. Edge of Desire - John Mayer
14. 2:00 Your Time - Ace Troubleshooter
15. I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz
16. Heart of Me - Green River Ordinance
17. Secrets - OneRepublic
18. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
19. Tomorrow Will Be Kinder - The Secret Sisters
20. Wish You Were Here - Incubus

(1)

I need to reset.  I need a fresh start.

Time for another round of confessions, I think.

I've never really cleaned a bathroom.  Not the formal way you are supposed to, I don't think.  Bathrooms just freak me out.  I never feel like I clean them as well as I am supposed to.  I've always gotten lucky enough to have roommates who are willing to clean bathrooms while I do more of the kitchen and general house cleaning.

I thought I was fat in high school, and I really wasn't.  Maybe I wasn't toothpick thin, but I was beautiful.

I am afraid I will someday weigh somewhere in the range of 400 lbs like one of my beloved aunts.  I have seen her struggling to move and breath and be comfortable and own normal clothes for years, and I am perpetually afraid that is what I will become.  And yet I never seem to do better at taking care of myself.

I don't really want to give up.

I am afraid that I will live in my parents' house forever.  Or, just as bad, that they will kick me out because I am too old to live at home.

I really don't know what I want to do with my life.  I want to write children's book or just books or something, but I feel overwhelmed and discouraged at the thought of publishing.  I don't know if I believe in myself enough to put myself out there that many times...it is so rare to be published early on.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I'm a good enough writer to be published.  Even if I do have a little freelance published and have won an award or two for my poetry.  I still struggle to believe it's anywhere close to adequate or what someone really wants to read.

I have an empty Boone's farm bottle that I put cash in to keep myself from spending it so that I will have money to pay for groceries right after I get down to Atlanta.

...or if I go back to Atlanta.

Returning to Atlanta may not happen.  I haven't discussed this with anyone outside of my mom and I emailed Nikky.  I still have barely been able to admit to myself that this may be what happens.  I don't have any money.  I don't budget well, I barely try, and my full-time just became hit or miss because the project they hired me for is done.  I feel overwhelmed all over again.

Plus, to be honest, I am not sure I want to put money back into an institution that has recently become terrible about treating my family well.  Do I really want to pay them when I am not sure I trust them at all?

If I decide to not go back, what do I do?  That scares me too.

Let's be honest, I am just uncertain and I am scared.  Frustrated with myself on top of it.  And I know God has got this.  Please don't give me the cliches, I don't need them.  But I am not yet hearing His voice or feeling His nudge.

I am afraid I will be looked at as the family flake.  Or that my friends will think I am wishy-washy.  Maybe it seems shallow to have this worry, but really...I was supposed to move to SC, to Ohio, to ABC, to ABC, and possibly to ABC again...and I have had things change those plans so many times.  Apparently I just make the wrong plans.  Or just don't hear correctly the first time around.

And I don't know how to classify what is happening with my heart, but I let Sam go.  He doesn't need a girl like me hanging onto him when he's not mine to begin with.  I don't need the heartache, and he doesn't need the awkward situation.  It's not his fault that I created this sideline fantasy that deep down he really was looking for me, well not entirely.  He did have a little to do with it, but the fantasy I concocted was confusing his trust for admiration and his putting me in the friend zone (big time) for his need to have me in his life.

I've allowed our relationship to trail off a little.  I've tried to avoid initiating texts.  No pet names of any kind. No letters.  No messages via Facebook.  No notes or wall posts of personal-esque nature.  No compliments beyond what is casual between friends.

The mix I posted was one I have been working on for myself.  Something to remind me that this is the end and that it's the right thing for me to do.  No, it's not really what I was hoping for.  I was hoping for something good.  Something for forever.  For me.  But this isn't mine.  Sam doesn't belong to me.  Which makes me a little sad, but the great thing is this: I don't belong to him either.

I am still free.  No one can tell me where to live.  What I can and cannot do.  That I shouldn't paint my fingernails blue.  Or cut my hair off again.  Or that I should turn off the light and go to sleep instead of being up till ridiculous hours of the night writing or reading or watching whatever movie I want.  I don't have to answer the phone.

Those things all sound ridiculous, but being able to do what I want...that is a bonus.  I should enjoy that for now.

As Kim reminded me recently, there is a time and a season for everything.  And I hate the idea of a "season of singleness" which people always say and then say things about how blessed it is, buuuuut, there's something to be said for that.  I just hope I make the best of it.  Never sure if I'm actually learning what I am supposed to be learning.

I am Joseph Gordon-Levitt's Tom from (500) Days of Summer or Ilsa Fischer's April from Definitely, Maybe.  Or, on my more frustrated days, Jacob Black of the Twilight series (books, NOT the movies).

I have barely been reading my Bible lately.  Prayer has been bizarre.  I've been praying for the people I love because there's been so much pain and frustration and sadness and hurt, but I'm struggling to pray for myself.  I don't know what to ask or to say.  And I haven't been nearly as thankful as I should be.  I am working to reclaim my faith.

And now...I desperately need sleep.  And tomorrow/today (I guess) is day (1).  That's something to smile about.

Love.

At the present moment, I am sitting in Basket Beginnings in the Conover Square Mall in Oregon, IL. Yep. I'm working here in the afternoons for the next several days. I love this store.

Basket Beginnings is just a cheerful place to be. Lots to see and there's always some new booth popping up. I hadn't been in for awhile, so I didn't realize there's a crafter who does handpainted silk items (which are beautiful) and another who makes cards and really unique and pretty pictures frames. And as always, I have found something I must purchase. I found a card I like, and I may shuffle through them and I find another one or 2 to use. Sometimes you just have to do that kind of thing.

I just spent the last half hour or so reading the October chapter in Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project. I've realized I'm going to honestly miss this book when I finish it. I'm suppose to return it to the library so they can send it back through interlibrary loan. One of these days I'm going to have to pick up my own copy. I already know I want to reread it and mark it all up. I feel so connected to Gretchen Rubin's overall style. We're different in many ways, but she and I share some weird details. Like obsessive notetaking. It's actually a bit of a relief to know that someone else is constantly keeping track of weird bits of info. I think Nikky does a bit of that too. She always finds the best quotes.

Now I'm actually considering creating a Happiness Project of my own. It definitely couldn't hurt anything, and considering the huge changes that are about to happen in my life with the move and everything...this may be the best time. Having a project to focus on usually helps me through things and gives me something to be passionate about. We'll see what comes of this.

I did start a photo journal of the last month or so that I am home. It's not much, but I like it. I took my camera with me when Mom and I took our morning walk and that was entertaining. I think it drove Mom a little crazy because I stopped quite a few times, but there are some things I'm just going to be glad I have pictures of. Such as, Wayne the dog statue. There's this house that we walk past every morning that has this statue of a german shepherd sitting on a tree stump in their front yard. Last fall they put a cape and mask on him so he looked like Batman. Hence the name Wayne. He no longer has his cape and mask, but I didn't want to miss having a picture of Wayne. Good, good memories.

This last month promises to be insane. As you can tell by the picture of my dresser, I am far from done. And just think...that mess is JUST the TOP of my dresser...oh yes.


I'm also wondering how much of the stuff you see in this picture will go to Atlanta with me in August. Much of it will, but I think some of this will find new homes. And some of it will finally head out in the mail or go to the people it actually belongs too. Hooray for finally getting items returned. I actually have started a pile of things that I've found that I need to return to people starting with books I borrowed from Mr. Young, my favorite teacher, my senior year of high school. Yeah...then there's also a book I borrowed to help me write my speech for Baccalaureate my senior year, and it belongs to a local pastor whose wife is friends with my mom and whose daughter I work with part of the time. Some of this stuff just needs thank you notes/apologies written and sent off. I'm going to look forward to clearing all of that away.

Well, hopefully your dressers are cleaner than mine.
Love,
Jaymin

One Way Sign

Favorite things of this very moment (5:58 pm CST):

• Iced sun tea
• The fan blowing on my back
• Headbands
• Knowing my friend Noel and I will be planning to get together again very soon
• Having my deposit check for my apartment ready to send out tomorrow
• Having my classes officially picked
• Having my payment plan worked out and sent off to be approved
• Sunshine
• My glasses (even if I do have a red line on the side of my nose)

Today has been good and a little bizarre. Worked this morning and got a lot done. Of course, little, if any, of it was really what I intended to work on today. Not a big deal though. This just means that I won't be out of work early any time soon, and that is very good news. I also made the decision today that I will be taking advantage of over time when it is available starting either tomorrow or Thursday (depending on how busy the office is). This will give me some extra and much needed cash. Much of which will probably go directly to college tuition.

I did get my classes picked out, my deposit stamped and ready to go into the mail tomorrow, and my payment plan worked out. I sent the payment plan in to have that approved. Hopefully they will get back to me in the next day or two and tell me that's all set up.

Then I also got to see an old friend, Noel, today. It was just lovely to sit and drink coffee with an old friend and hear about her kids and her life. I miss just listening to other people's stories. Plus spending time with other people always leads to the creation of more stories, and what's not to love about this. The best thing though today: talking to Noel was just as easy as it always has been. She's just as nice and funny as she was when we were growing up. And she understood my crazy decision to follow where the tug in my heart is telling me to go (Atlanta). I don't hear that nearly often enough, so it was a comfort.

Today has been lovely. Just another bit of confirmation that I'm headed in the right direction.

Revolving Countdowns

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Favorite things of this very moment (3:10 pm CST):

• Chris Tomlin's spectacular worship songs
• Edna St. Vincent Millay's incredibly eloquent poetry that so often reaches in and pulls my heart back into rhythm with life
• Prayer

Yesterday was Kayla's graduation party. A good time was had by all. The weird thing was how many people had questions for me about my future and plans. I kind of wanted to tell them all that they should probably just focus on Kayla and leave me alone, but the thing is, most of them don't get to see me for more than a few fleeting moments anymore. I'm at work and then at home and few, if any, places in between. So I told them.

I'm trying to get myself financially capable to head to ABC in the fall. I received my notice that I'd been accepted to return, and now this week I'm supposed to plan out my class schedule. I'll probably major in Youth Ministry, and that I have no idea where I'll be heading after that.

I found out that my church is planning to "adopt" me to try and help support me a little financially. I was told it probably wouldn't be a lot of money, but it's something, and considering I hadn't even asked about this, that it hadn't even occurred to me to ask: I'm beyond grateful. Sometimes the people in my life really surprise me.

I also was grilled by a lady from our church who I'm pretty sure wishes I were more up to her standards so that she could induct me into her family and have me marry her oldest boy. I don't wear enough skirts, and I'm pretty sure the fact that I'm moving to Atlanta even though I don't know where they money will come from with no real future plans in place really impressed her... Although, this really isn't my issue. Her son doesn't talk to me, and as nice as she is, I'm completely intimidated by her and I hate wearing skirts. Not a good fit.

Plus, I feel led back to ABC. I'm going to finish what I started, darn it. I'm going to work to be the adult I want to be. The person I want to be, and I'm going to hit all the reset buttons in my heart, and see if being back at ABC might just help me get my head back in the game. I've been drifting the past few years, and I can't just wait forever. I need to make a move in a positive direction, and listen.

And as it was in the bulletin yesterday that the church board discussed my "adoption," I can no longer hide the fact that I'm intending to do this. Oddly, that frightens me more than most things. I'd been keeping it quiet because I'm tried of making plans that never come true, and I don't want this to happen again. I want to follow through.

I take it back, that wasn't the scariest part. The scariest part was having someone point out that moving back to ABC in August means that I'm moving in 3 months. From tomorrow actually...

I am scared to death. And the great thing? I'm walking headfirst into it. I'll take this leap of faith, and I'm just going to keep believing God will break my fall.

Those Who Risk Win

Favorite things of this very moment (11:16 am CST):

• Sunshine, glorious sunshine
• Having the doors and windows open to let in the glorious and beautiful spring breeze (it's supposed to be up to 82 degrees today!)
• Mix cds
• Knowing I'll be running down to Dixon to pick up my new glasses in a short while
• Sunshine (honest, it's perfect)

Lately I've been thinking a lot about God's will for my life. I know that sounds fairly...uh...actually I don't have the right words this morning. I just know it sounds silly to say things like that to my own ears. Not because I don't believe that God has intentions for my life and for the lives of others, but because it always sounds weird to say that about myself. Makes me feel like I'm trying to put something on. It just never sounds as real as it should, but nevertheless...it's true. And that's what I've been doing.

At small group this last Sunday night, one of the members asked how you were supposed to know God was calling you to some place. I thought that was a brilliant and valid question. I wonder this often. Dan said he thought it was usually discerned through a great deal of prayer, and in he and Rachel's case, discussing it with other believers whose faith is strong and they respected. He said when they were trying to figure out where they needed to go things just kinda fell into place and everyone they talked to about this confirmed where they were thinking about moving to.

I spoke up to. (Like I said, I've been thinking about this a lot lately.) I said I think sometimes God speaks through restlessness. That probably sounds a little bizarre, but I really do think that you feel it when you're not in the right place. You start getting stir crazy and no matter how many places you volunteer and services you perform for your church and the people you love, you still don't feel like you're in the right place. That's when you know it's time to move on.

Nikky and I have been talking about this. A lot.

The thing of it is...that virtually sums up my existence. Nikky's too I think. We're restless and stir crazy. There's nothing more I can do here. All the people I love are being taken care of. The one person I was most worried to leave got married last fall, and she's got a wonderful husband who I know will do all he can to nurture her and make her happy. My dear friend, Jay doesn't really need me here. I once hoped he'd be what kept me tied here, but in the end, he was one of the factors that helped me realize that it was time to move on.

And it is time to move on.

Nik and I have been talking about moving for a year and half (or is it longer? I don't know anymore, probably longer), but haven't acted on it. It's scary to leave home behind. Especially when you know you're safe as long as you're at home, but the thing is...I don't want to just be "safe" anymore. It's not enough.

I'm scared to death to be perfectly honest, but I want this. I want to change my life and I want to feel alive and useful again.

So I'm going to move. I'm not going to give you details or times or dates or even the location yet, but I've decided. It's time. Scared as I am, I think God will help it all fall into place. I've submitted my plans to the LORD, and honestly, it's felt pretty confirmed. People I love are already excited about the prospect for me doing this because I'll be closer to them if all goes well, and I know it's going to come down to me stepping out in faith and doing what I'm scared of. Plus, with Nikky planning on coming to, I know I'll always have someone who understands how I'm feeling. God will take care of us, and it will be worth it.

After all, those who risk win.

God's Voice

(My favorite picture of the beautiful and wonderful Heather Hermann. Jeff took this at his Sr. Prom)

Favorite things of this very moment (2:40 pm CST):

• Bowling for Soup singing "Life After Lisa"
• Large pink glasses of water full of ice
• Sunshine on the snow, sunshine in general
• Feeling clean

Yesterday I spent some time with Heather. It was great. She got to play with Amelia, we went to dinner and then we hung out and watched a couple of movies. It was a real relaxed and hilariously silly evening, as always. She said something yesterday before we left for dinner though that's been knocking around in my head ever since. She said she's taking this Lent to clear out everyone else's voices so she can hear God's voice telling her what He wants her to do next.

Heather is graduating with her Bachelor's in just under 3 months, and she doesn't have a clue what she wants to do next. She's thinking about applying to the Peace Corp or possibly even the Coast Guard or maybe just trying to find a job. She doesn't know. I know how she feels. I know she's frustrated with people constantly giving her suggestions and for her heart to be constantly tugging her in different directions. It's rough.

She's been talking to a friend of ours who is studying to become a priest (he's getting ordained in just under 3 months as well), and he suggested her taking Lent to try her hardest to listen to God. I think that's a brilliant suggestion. A little over a month to clear everything else away and just listen. I hope it works for her. More importantly, I'm honestly considering doing the same thing.

I know one of my major failings anymore is my inability to make myself hold still. I seem to really struggle with the idea of taking and making time for God. When this started, I'm not entirely sure, but I know I've been struggling ever since. Maybe I'll take this time leading up to Easter, this Lent, and I'll truly take the time to work back to where I should be.

Thank you, Heather. Thank you, Jeremy. Thank you, God.

Let's see what happens.

Coming to a Close

(about artwork by Nikky. The wind is rising...)

Favorite things of this very moment (11:01am CST):

• Good memories
• iTunes shuffle
• Realizing how many beautiful songs I didn't even know I had
• Flutes (that's something I never thought I'd say)
• Scratch paper and the pen closest to me
• Grey tanktops & sweaters

Today is the day you look back on the year gone by and wonder what it all meant.

On Tuesday night, my dear friend Heather reminded me that God is in control. She said it's important to remember that we just can't see all the good that comes from what we do. She agreed with me that there must be a reason I'm still where I am. This doesn't mean that things aren't going to keep changing and that I won't be moving some day soon (it will happen come the fall if not sooner), but it does mean that there is a purpose for this.

Do you ever wonder in what ways you're truly affecting the lives of others? Do you wonder if you've had an impact for the good of their hearts and lives? I do. All the time.

And I've been thinking back on this year, the good and bad. This past year has brought little ones into my life that I'm grateful for: Xavier, Aria, baby Kayla, and Carter. Babies that I will happily watch grow and adore for the rest of their lives.

I've also watched my plans shift, phase, change and break repeatedly. I've come to dread answering questions or telling people my plans because it worries me that I'm jinxing them in doing that.

Life is temporary and transient. My plans are apt to change and bound to because I'm clearly, and repeatedly, screwing them up. One of my favorite verses, Proverbs 16:9, pretty much sums this up: "The human mind plans the way, but the LORD directs the steps." I need to try and make sure that my plans are going through God's filter and approval. Otherwise I'll never make it anywhere.

Life is lessons learned and movement.

I may not know exactly where I am going, but I'll keep trying my best. I'll apply for jobs, save money, try to plan (but try not to stress out if they don't all work the way I think they should), make baby blankets, learn new skills, read new books, and do my best to live and laugh and love. There's not enought time to do anything else really.

Let's head into 2010 with our heads held high, our hearts on our sleeves, and honesty on our lips. No regrets. Let's aim for that.

May your's be blessed.

With all my love, J

ps. A mix for the new year (Reckless):

1. Understand - Jeremy Camp
2. Pre-Ex-Girlfriend - Five Iron Frenzy
3. All My Loving - Jim Sturgess
4. Hang me Up to Dry - Cold War Kids
5. String of Pearls - Jimmie's Chicken Shack
6. Badfish - Sublime
7. Baby's Got Sauce - G. Love & Special Sauce
8. Authority Song - Jimmy Eat World
9. Via Chicago - Wilco
10. Warsaw Pact Yard Sale - Accost
11. Protect me from What I Want - Placebo
12. War of my Life - John Mayer
13. The Rain Song - The Dreamer & the Sleeper
14. Prayer for the Dying - Seal
15. Used to the Pain - Keith Urban
16. The Way I Loved You - Taylor Swift
17. We Will Become Silhouettes - The Postal Service
18. While My Guitar Gently Weeps - Martin Luther McCoy

Sometimes You Realize

(Above picture is Carson, spring 2007, posing for his "Senior Picture" in one of the big trees down by the Rock River at Lowell Park)

Favorite things of this very moment (9:42 pm CST):

• Cherry Carmex (if it makes this stupid fever blister, I'll be ecstatic)
• Christmas lights
• Being at home
• The Christmas stocking hanging from my dresser drawer that was given to me at work today (Jackie made them for everyone, and they're filled with chocolate...brilliant)
• Knowing that a) a box will be on its way here to me sometime tomorrow, b) that Christmas is only 9 days away, c) Wild Berry wine cooler & good movie (Hot Rod or The Holiday) await me when I finish this post
• That my large brown cat that loves me more than she likes to admit

My fingers are cold, but most of the rest of me is doing alright. I have on my fuzzy burgundy socks, and I've put more Carmex on my fever blister. The socks make me happy, and the Cherry Carmex really isn't terrible tasting or smelling like I feared it would be. It rather soothing actually.

I'm just reflecting a bit. I've been having weird dreams again lately. One from this past weekend involved the world coming pretty close to ending. Giant tidal wave, earth quakes, that sort of thing. Somehow though I woke up not feeling at all worried. Normally a dream like that would have left me shaken and twitchy, but the other morning when I woke up, I simply felt a twinge of sadness in its wake. How bizarre.

The other dream that stands out to me was about Carson. Kayladrew's younger brother. A kind, quiet guy with a wicked sense of humor and magical hands when it comes to a guitar. He's a pretty cool guy, that Carson. In the dream though, he was moving. Far away. To Alaska. I was sad. Through most of the dream I was just trying to make sure I'd still be able to talk to him. That he knew I would actually still want to hear from him. Carson and I may not be super close, but he's been a part of my life for a long time now, and not having him around is sad. This dream was pretty well based in reality. I just found out a little while back that he's considering moving to Alaska. Several friends of our's live up there now, and one of his cousins does as well. I think that sadness of Carson being so far away just seeped into my dreams. I know I'm planning on moving, but Carson is like...well...he's like home. He's just part of this area, and thinking maybe I won't see him when I come home (however sporadic) seems so bizarre. It will be like something is missing.

Does it suprise you when you realize how much a part of your life someone really is?

I guess it shouldn't, but it did. If he leaves, it will mean awkward stilted letters and possibly boxes of stuff. Cookies, random mix cds, hideously cheesy thing. I'll miss him.

And on that note, I need to go to bed. Or at least put on pjs and watch a movie and stop thinking so much.

Good night.

ps. One more picture:

(This picture is from the lesson I did on guarding your heart. Carson is showing off his heart security system. Spring 2007. I think it's guarded by be a fence and maybe some barbwire, not to mention a moat. Definitely a moat. And Jay's the big tall guy off to the side who thinks I'm nuts for even suggesting a group of semi-adult-like people and a few young kids draw heart security systems in sidewalk chalk on the church parking lot. This is why Carson is a great guy, he just does these thing without seriously questioning my sanity. At least not to my face. ha.)

Ann Arbor, MI

This will sound random, well, because it is more than anything else, random, but, never the less, I think if Nikky and I weren't moving to SC, we should move to Ann Arbor, MI. Now, my reason is a serious bit shallow, but I'm going to go with it: Borders 1 is there. Now, let's think about this a bit. If Borders 1 is in Ann Arbor, this means that whenever they do musicians or promote new books or movies, that's where they are. Borders 1 is the reason I knew who Paolo Nuatini was initially. I just finished watching a clip of when Wes Anderson and Jason Schwartzman were there promoting "The Darjeeling Limited," and all I could think was how incredible it would be to live in a place where you would actually get to see amazing musical acts and celebrities on a regular basis...just by being in a bookstore. Wow. Mind blowing a little bit.

Alright. That's really all I wanted to say.

Oh, that and I have cousins that live in Ann Arbor and my Aunt Maxine taught at a college there...that couldn't hurt.

Just a ponderable thought.

It'll All Work Out

Favorite things of this very moment (3:23 pm):

• My Mom
• Knowing I get paid tomorrow
• That I'm done with my 2nd American Lit test and I think I did well
• That tomorrow is my sleep in day
• That I own The Holiday (which I'll probably watch before I go to sleep tonight)
• That I get to watch Joel's concert and eat pancakes for supper tonight

Don't let this fool you, I'm in a horrible mood. Well, that's not entirely true, but I'm not totally stressed out. Life is full of up and downs, and as far as this roller coaster goes, I feel like I'm going down a hill at full tilt. Sadly, unlike how I feel when I'm actually on a roller coaster, this is not exciting. This is just flat out terrifying.

My day wasn't bad. I've been able to focus on my classes, I slept well last night, I woke up easily this morning. I was at school on time, finished my American Lit. test early, and I think I did well. Math wasn't even all bad today.

But then I got to work. I found out that my hours were cut so that I work either Monday or Friday, but not both. Which means I go from 22 hours (which was low, but workable) to 16 hours which means that I choose between putting gas in my car and things like car insurance/phone payments and other necessities. I've been dealing with life on my little bitty salary, and now...it's going to be REALLY hard.

Oh, and did I fail to mention the fact that, today, right after I was told this, I was also told that we may not even stay open. They may close the store. WHY THE HELL DIDN'T ANYONE SAY ANYTHING TO ME AT ALL? I'm furious. I'm hurt. I'm brokenhearted right now. And I'm crying again dammit.

I'm sorry. I just...I feel like God's taken away what little security I had left. How rude is it to say that to God? I don't know. I'm glad He loves me because otherwise, He would definitely be gone right now.

I know I'm supposed to trust God, and right now, He's all I've got. I still have a place to live and a car (though I'm beginning to worry if it's going to die on me too) and I'm healthy (in theory at least). I'm so cynical and bitter at times...and I don't want to be. I definitely don't mean to be, it's not my intention, but...

I'm wondering if God is trying to get me to move. Do I need to move? And if I need to move, where will I go? I want to follow His lead, but I don't even see what direction He's pointing. When I said this to my mom (just this last part, mind you) she said that Abram didn't know where God was leading him when he started. She's right, as usual. I just wish she wasn't.

I saw two hawks on the way to work from Sauk. Two. I should've known there was a reason. I just, stupidly, figured it had to do more with me being heartbroken because my tall, handsome musician turned out not be mine at all...apparently it was more than that. Maybe one was for that heartbreak, and the second was for all of this. *sigh*

Now I just need to do a lot of praying, and get some others to pray too.

It'll all work out.