Hope

Kayla and Mara

Mara all wrapped up in the blanket I made for her. Isn't she beautiful?

Favorite things of this very moment (1:31 am EST):

• Having new books to read about relationships and marriage
• Ice cream with lots and lots and lots of added berries
• Sweet and unexpected letters from friends
• Knowing I will get to see Nikky & Yan on Wednesday!
• The sticker Regina handed me the other day that says "I did it for the cookie!"
• The 2 pictures I was sent of my new "niece" Maranatha Hope (as shown above)

I'm excited about having all these books to read about relationships, and I realized that it's not just because I'm an incurable romantic. It's because I want to be the best wife I can possibly be. Sure I'm going to screw up, and sure I have no idea when in the future the right guy will come along, but I do have hope. I know that eventually it will work itself out and God will bring the right guy into my life, and I know that when He does, I want to make sure that I'm as ready as I can be.

I remember when I was at ABC with Dan, and he knew he wanted to marry Rachel. Anyone that was around Dan for more than 3 minutes knew he was crazy in love with her, but it was more than that...Dan wanted to be the best husband he could be. I watched him work on being frugal, managing a budget, trying to take care of his health, and doing all he could to study and get through school with good grades and the knowledge he would need in order to be a good minister (which he is, by the way). On top of which, I know he read countless relationship books so that he could do his best to understand women, marriage, and most important, his beloved Rachel. I know the other guys thought he was a little crazy for doing this, but Dan knew what he wanted: Rachel. He knew that he was going to have to do all he could to make his marriage work, and he understand that she was something worth fighting for. I really do admire him for all of this.

Just yesterday I finished reading Joshua Harris' book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and while I'm not sure I 100% agree with everything he said about relationships, I do think he had a lot of really great points. I loved his intense focus on the importance of physical and emotional purity. I think most of us overlook emotional purity entirely, but he made the point that if you attach yourself to everyone all the time, there won't be much left of your heart for your spouse when they find you. Physical purity is pretty straightforward, you need to be constantly striving for physical purity. You gotta keep yourself out of temptation's path. Purity is a true gift to give another, and I want to strive to maintain my purity so that I'll have something truly rare and beautiful to give to my husband when we get married.

The other thing that really stuck with me, probably more so than any other single point, was his simple question: what are you doing to prepare for marriage? This got my thinking. Nikky and I have actually had this discussion a number of times: how can I become the best version of myself so that when I get married, I know that I am a whole person joining with another whole person in order to create something new and beautiful? I want to be doing all I can to make find the best of who and what I am so that I can share this with the man I marry. I want to make sure that I am financially independent, that I can stick to a budget, that I am capable of handling all the basic household issues that come up, and that I can truly love him with all that I am. I want to continue working to get rid of and clear out all my old baggage, and take better care of myself physically. I want to be someone that my husband can rely on and also that he can be proud of. I want to be someone that I can be proud of.

Just my thought for tonight.

Sometimes You Realize

(Above picture is Carson, spring 2007, posing for his "Senior Picture" in one of the big trees down by the Rock River at Lowell Park)

Favorite things of this very moment (9:42 pm CST):

• Cherry Carmex (if it makes this stupid fever blister, I'll be ecstatic)
• Christmas lights
• Being at home
• The Christmas stocking hanging from my dresser drawer that was given to me at work today (Jackie made them for everyone, and they're filled with chocolate...brilliant)
• Knowing that a) a box will be on its way here to me sometime tomorrow, b) that Christmas is only 9 days away, c) Wild Berry wine cooler & good movie (Hot Rod or The Holiday) await me when I finish this post
• That my large brown cat that loves me more than she likes to admit

My fingers are cold, but most of the rest of me is doing alright. I have on my fuzzy burgundy socks, and I've put more Carmex on my fever blister. The socks make me happy, and the Cherry Carmex really isn't terrible tasting or smelling like I feared it would be. It rather soothing actually.

I'm just reflecting a bit. I've been having weird dreams again lately. One from this past weekend involved the world coming pretty close to ending. Giant tidal wave, earth quakes, that sort of thing. Somehow though I woke up not feeling at all worried. Normally a dream like that would have left me shaken and twitchy, but the other morning when I woke up, I simply felt a twinge of sadness in its wake. How bizarre.

The other dream that stands out to me was about Carson. Kayladrew's younger brother. A kind, quiet guy with a wicked sense of humor and magical hands when it comes to a guitar. He's a pretty cool guy, that Carson. In the dream though, he was moving. Far away. To Alaska. I was sad. Through most of the dream I was just trying to make sure I'd still be able to talk to him. That he knew I would actually still want to hear from him. Carson and I may not be super close, but he's been a part of my life for a long time now, and not having him around is sad. This dream was pretty well based in reality. I just found out a little while back that he's considering moving to Alaska. Several friends of our's live up there now, and one of his cousins does as well. I think that sadness of Carson being so far away just seeped into my dreams. I know I'm planning on moving, but Carson is like...well...he's like home. He's just part of this area, and thinking maybe I won't see him when I come home (however sporadic) seems so bizarre. It will be like something is missing.

Does it suprise you when you realize how much a part of your life someone really is?

I guess it shouldn't, but it did. If he leaves, it will mean awkward stilted letters and possibly boxes of stuff. Cookies, random mix cds, hideously cheesy thing. I'll miss him.

And on that note, I need to go to bed. Or at least put on pjs and watch a movie and stop thinking so much.

Good night.

ps. One more picture:

(This picture is from the lesson I did on guarding your heart. Carson is showing off his heart security system. Spring 2007. I think it's guarded by be a fence and maybe some barbwire, not to mention a moat. Definitely a moat. And Jay's the big tall guy off to the side who thinks I'm nuts for even suggesting a group of semi-adult-like people and a few young kids draw heart security systems in sidewalk chalk on the church parking lot. This is why Carson is a great guy, he just does these thing without seriously questioning my sanity. At least not to my face. ha.)

Try New Things

Let's start with an old thing that I love to do, my favorite things of this very moment list (11:28 am CST edition):

• John Denver, John Mayer, and Jay Laurent's music
• Folder's Hazelnut bistro (or something some name like that) coffee with a little sugar and some milk
• My beautiful Fujifilm S 3000 digital camera
• Amazon.com
• The Visual bookshelf application on facebook
• Getting a call first thing this morning to get question on various things Kayla likes and what I think about various things for her bridal shower at the church next Monday night and then also getting asked to lead games...ha. More on that later.
• "Covered in Rain" by John Mayer

I decided that while Nikky and Kayla are both at FUEL I will attempt to do as many new things as I can this week. This is mostly a mental ploy on my part to keep myself from getting frumpy and whiny and too bored while my best friends are at FUEL. Besides, who doesn't know the magic of trying new things? They always seem to pull you out of a rut and sometimes help you understand yourself a little better, so onto new things.

Let's start with the one that's probably my favorite this morning: Getting a semi-famous musicians cell number. Yes, that's right. Brandon Clark gave me his number. I probably shouldn't publicize that. He might have crazy stalker fans. That would be bad, but I'm just so excited that I actually have his number and that the next time I'm in the south or I know he's in town I can actually call him and see him. It's kinda the coolest thing ever. Besides, this means Nikky will actually get to meet him in person one of these days! Party! Bonus!

Last night I took the first of what will hopefully be a series of Ned Flanders Photos. Oh yes. I have plans for him. He's going to travel with me this week. Show people just how exciting my life is. Hahahaha.

Spent some time this morning on www.beehiveco-op.com. Made myself a little sick looking at the prices of their clothes, but really like the concept and the way everything looks. Maybe one of these days I won't feel insanely guilty for just looking at the stuff on the site and maybe I'll actually purchase myself an outfit.

Gail Tuttle called me this morning and asked me a bunch of questions about Kayla's preferences on snacks for the church bridal shower for her, and I realized I am losing all that I know about Kayla. This week I'll be working on some Kayla Appreciation Projects. I started working on a mix for her last night and hopefully I'll have at least 2 for her by the time she comes home. I also determined that I need to buy some Arbor Mist for her couples bridal shower (which I am tempted to tell Jay he should go with me to except for the fact that we're not a couple and I don't know if it's healthy to even in the back of my mind somewhere always feel like we should be even though I know we never will be and that it's probably just as well...sheesh). But back to the church bridal shower, Gail asked me to lead the games. I agreed. Yeah. Maybe I'm crazy, but this is for my Kayladrew and I'd do just about anything in the world for her, so we'll see how that goes. Gail was going to try to come up with some games and I'm going to lead them. I wish Kayla was home so that I could make sure this is what she wants, but she's at FUEL and I'm going to leave her be to enjoy her week.

Hopefully the new things will continue. I'll do what I can to make sure they happen. :) More as this develops.