(15) Point Break(ing) Point

I am tired of feeling
like I'm too much
Stop looking at me like
I've lost my mind

I don't like the tears
or how my voice
cracks & strangles,
but words have to be said

I can't bottle this up anymore
because that dam's about to burst
years worth of tears unshed
& misdirected action
pain misplaced
disoriented social interaction

I've built up my walls
high & deep
so no one could ever see
the broken shatters of who I am
buried underneath

I need a light,
a boat, & a heart to
guide me

Please don't tell me
how to feel
or what I need to do
my heart doesn't cater to your whims
broken people (hearts) need love too

Jumble Heart, Tangled Head

How absurd to fear something fictitious? There's nothing there. There's nothing there. 

Sometimes the darkness still brings fear flitting through my chest. Not of the darkness itself because the quiet light of the night suits my eyes but of the things that show up to haunt me when I am aching to forget. 

The images and sounds that comprise my nap time nightmares or memories I would rather not relive...both keep trying to enter my sleep deprived body. 

Then I remind myself that Jordan blessed this house. He walked through each room with Becca, and he prayed. I know that God listened to Jordan's prayer, and I believe in God's protection over this place and those who live here. 

So why does something in me still scream in this?

Why am I still reliving old wounds? The death of my best friend, a man I loved and believed in walking out on me, images from things I've seen or books I've read (real and fictitious happenings), feelings of loss...

I want this gone. I need this gone. So many weeks now and still I can't sleep. What is haunting me?

Why am I feeling guilt over someone else's life choices? 

I still can't comprehend how my heart still feels surges of loyalty and fierce need to protect a man whose heart is not mine to fight for. He made his choice. During the day, I make progress, and I see growth in my heart moving forward. 

But the dreams have started again. 

I lose him in my dreams. He struggles outside my reach. He's broken and hurting, and I wake up only remembering that nothing was right and uneasy. I worry in these fevered moments that maybe it's not just a dream. 

I wish my heart could understand what my head knows, but then I think...maybe that needs to be flipped around and it is my head that needs to learn from my heart. 

Whichever, whatever...

God, guard my dreams. I just wish I could either remember them and understand them or end them once and for all. 

Sometimes You Realize

(Above picture is Carson, spring 2007, posing for his "Senior Picture" in one of the big trees down by the Rock River at Lowell Park)

Favorite things of this very moment (9:42 pm CST):

• Cherry Carmex (if it makes this stupid fever blister, I'll be ecstatic)
• Christmas lights
• Being at home
• The Christmas stocking hanging from my dresser drawer that was given to me at work today (Jackie made them for everyone, and they're filled with chocolate...brilliant)
• Knowing that a) a box will be on its way here to me sometime tomorrow, b) that Christmas is only 9 days away, c) Wild Berry wine cooler & good movie (Hot Rod or The Holiday) await me when I finish this post
• That my large brown cat that loves me more than she likes to admit

My fingers are cold, but most of the rest of me is doing alright. I have on my fuzzy burgundy socks, and I've put more Carmex on my fever blister. The socks make me happy, and the Cherry Carmex really isn't terrible tasting or smelling like I feared it would be. It rather soothing actually.

I'm just reflecting a bit. I've been having weird dreams again lately. One from this past weekend involved the world coming pretty close to ending. Giant tidal wave, earth quakes, that sort of thing. Somehow though I woke up not feeling at all worried. Normally a dream like that would have left me shaken and twitchy, but the other morning when I woke up, I simply felt a twinge of sadness in its wake. How bizarre.

The other dream that stands out to me was about Carson. Kayladrew's younger brother. A kind, quiet guy with a wicked sense of humor and magical hands when it comes to a guitar. He's a pretty cool guy, that Carson. In the dream though, he was moving. Far away. To Alaska. I was sad. Through most of the dream I was just trying to make sure I'd still be able to talk to him. That he knew I would actually still want to hear from him. Carson and I may not be super close, but he's been a part of my life for a long time now, and not having him around is sad. This dream was pretty well based in reality. I just found out a little while back that he's considering moving to Alaska. Several friends of our's live up there now, and one of his cousins does as well. I think that sadness of Carson being so far away just seeped into my dreams. I know I'm planning on moving, but Carson is like...well...he's like home. He's just part of this area, and thinking maybe I won't see him when I come home (however sporadic) seems so bizarre. It will be like something is missing.

Does it suprise you when you realize how much a part of your life someone really is?

I guess it shouldn't, but it did. If he leaves, it will mean awkward stilted letters and possibly boxes of stuff. Cookies, random mix cds, hideously cheesy thing. I'll miss him.

And on that note, I need to go to bed. Or at least put on pjs and watch a movie and stop thinking so much.

Good night.

ps. One more picture:

(This picture is from the lesson I did on guarding your heart. Carson is showing off his heart security system. Spring 2007. I think it's guarded by be a fence and maybe some barbwire, not to mention a moat. Definitely a moat. And Jay's the big tall guy off to the side who thinks I'm nuts for even suggesting a group of semi-adult-like people and a few young kids draw heart security systems in sidewalk chalk on the church parking lot. This is why Carson is a great guy, he just does these thing without seriously questioning my sanity. At least not to my face. ha.)

Dreams in the Fog

(the above picture is by Graysen Pack)

Favorite things of this very moment (9:09 am CST):

• Being awake
• Having already talked to Ben and knowing I'll get to hang out with him at some point today
• Angels & Airwaves
• Spinning in the computer chair
• Trying and failing to finish a bowl of cereal which for some reason seemed like the best thing in the universe at the time and now seems like a bowl of unnecessary blah
• The shuffle function on iTunes
• "Bleed" by Further Seems Forever (the accoustic version)

There is a mist covering over everything this morning. A hazy low fog. I woke up this morning and pulled my blind back. I do this whenever I know I have to get up. Just an immediate reaction, and I always find myself hoping for a glimpse of something more. Today I was just hoping for some sunshine. The glow of sunlight always does wonderful things for my generally grogy mind. Today I didn't find any such luck. Instead I found a bright white fog. It felt blinding streaming light in through the darkness of my quiet room.

The fog makes me feel trapped and claustrophobic. I hate driving through it more than almost anything. You just never know what's going to walk out of that fog. Despite that, Mom and I still managed to take a walk this morning. I love these walks, they tend to clear the fog out of my own mind and memory.

This morning it brought back the dream I'd had last night. I had a dream that Cally was in the house. This was incredibly confusing because I knew Cally was dead. I knew she had been buried, and I also knew I had taken the tag off her collar. The whole dream was upsetting and confusing because no one knew what was going on, and I realized that I still had Cally's tag in my room. This new mystery cat, the Cally imposter was in the house acting just like my Cally had. Mira was incredibly upset. The purpose of this dream is lost on me, but it left me feeling frustrated and upset. Not exactly a mood you want to carry over into the morning.

My dreams seem to frequently color my waking mood. Lately a lot of them have involved the army. I'm not wholly sure what brought this on, but my mom pointed out that I have a lot of close friends in the military. I also have a friend who is currently considering joining. I will support my friends who join, but I'd really rather they found other jobs. I realized this morning though that a lot of my issue with this is just that I can't do anything to protect them. That's not entirely true, I can pray for them. Outside of that though, it's completely out of my hands. It frustrates me. I'm glad God is patient with me...

Dreams mean so much to me. I'm sure many of them are nothing more than the jumble in my head and heart pieced together by the whispers of the night, but sometimes they change things. My dreams have given me hope when there wasn't any left in my heart, and they've told me things that I didn't want to face in my waking hours. They've forwarned me of heartbreak, and given me peace when all around me was turmoil. No one will ever be able to convince me that God doesn't work through dreams.

Maybe dreams are just a light in the fog...burning away the clouds and doubt to reveal something that had been hidden, we just needed to get close enough to really see it.

Just a thought.

The Distance

Favorite things of this very moment (12:00 pm):

• A Year in the World by Frances Mayes
• Daydreams
• Waking up to sunshine this morning which helped to dissipate the remnants of discontent and fear that I fell asleep with
• A functioning alarm clock
• Understanding parents
• Finishing the sugar, milk, and delectable flavored coffee that I brought with me from home this morning and savored as I read
• That 2008 is close at hand

I slept soundly till this morning when my alarm woke me up. I dreamt all through the night though I don't remember any of them. They were fairly well filled with turmoil, unspoken promises, broken hearts, fear, and disillusion. Yes, I know I just said I didn't remember them... I don't, but the feelings remained. When my alarm went off, I thought someone was drunk dialing me again (it did happen this past weekend, from someone I never expected...which made it comical, even if he did wake me up in the middle of the night) only to realize the sun was shining and I needed to get up for work. It was comforting.

I spent yesterday evening with Jeff. He called twice yesterday. The first time to wish me a merry Christmas, and the second time to ask me to go to a movie with him. He said we hadn't spent much time together in a long time, and he thought we should. Sometimes you get so far away only to realize that despite your best intentions, best interest, the miles or time span...you're still in the same spot. Or can quickly find yourself sitting next to someone smiling and listening as if time has been standing still waiting for you to find it.

And then you realize you really have been growing up because though you're performing the same function and routine that you've lived through a thousand times before, as you close your eyes and listen, the voice is the same, but the person speaking is someone different from the one you saw when your eyes were open. Sometimes you can only really see someone when you're eyes are closed.

Which brings us back to going to sleep in such a wickedly cynical and fatalistic state of mind and waking up this morning letting the sunshine loose the fingers of feelings better left unsaid that had used their claws to hook themselves as deeply and painfully as they could in my heart and head. Morning light sometimes makes all the difference...

When Dreams Don't Lie

Let's skip my favorite things list for a moment and totally break protocol.

My nightmare was completely accurate (expect for the part about Jeff, and right now, I don't know if I even mentioned that part). "New friend Jenny" is very real. I knew it. He really likes her.

And now for the weirder part, I still can't cry. Not that it's even been 2 hours since I found out about this, but I just can't. I hope he's happy. He deserves all the happiness in the world. He's a good man. A strong man. And I think he's wonderful. I've been praying for him daily, that he would find peace and joy, that if I wasn't the girl for him that God would bring him that girl.

No, I'm not saying that this girl is for sure The One for him, but if she was, that's wonderful. Sure, it means that I'm still here broken hearted, but my time will come. Eventually. I don't ever want to be any one's last resort or 2nd choice. I want to be first. This is important to me, and I don't ever want to do that to anyone else either.

Right now there's a definite void. Very defined. And it's going to be frustrating putting him in a new place in the order of how I think and feel, but I will do it.

As much as I am tired of this place, it's the right one...

And now, to totally mess with everything normal, I shall make a list because this needs to end on a more positive note than me dwelling on being miserable. It would be a lousy thing for me to do.

Favorite things of this very moment (10:28 am):

• The Internet
• Real Simple magazine
• Walks
• That I can check my email at work
• Sleep
• "Here's to the Night" by Eve 6
• Grapes (which remind me of such silly times and taste oh, so good)
• My lovely Fiji water bottle
• The truth (even when it hurts)

I'm out.

Nightmare

Favorite things of this very moment (10:31 am):

• http://www.necroticobsession.com/gothname.html (It's a Goth name generator...haha. And mine is HORRIBLE!)
• Being awake
• Apple Fizz
• Candy Corn (and in my favorite tiny Tupper Ware container)
• Books (preferably good ones)
• Friday (as a weekly occurrence, thank goodness)

I had a nightmare last night. You have to understand, I don't have nightmares. Well, I do, but they are a rare occurrence at this stage in my life, and now they are not always the kind where the bad guy is about to get you...sometimes I wish they were.

It was hard to wake up this morning. I woke up with this horrible feeling that someone was about to give me the worst news of my life, but I shook it off. All I could remember at that point was that I had had this dream where Kayla, Jay and I were talking about going to see Kimmie preach when she comes home in a little over a week. That dream wasn't bad. Jay had said he wanted to come with us even.

And that's when I remembered..."new friend Jenny." In my dream, I had this horrible sense of despair. He showed up at church one Sunday, and there was this absolutely beautiful girl. Perfect looking, long dark hair, she looked like a cross between Jen Welty and Aric's new girlfriend. I knew exactly who she was: NEW FRIEND JENNY. *sigh* As it was during church, it wasn't as if I could run off and cry. It brought back all these horrible memories of Jeff breaking up with me right before church. And weirder than that, in this dream, Jeff showed up. He was at church. I didn't expect it at all, and neither did anyone else apparently. I ran over and hugged him like there was no tomorrow. He did that whole cheesy spin-the-girl-around thing you see in movies when long lost friends/brothers/boyfriends/husbands return and they spin you around. Yeah...and I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because Jeff was there, but I knew things still weren't the same, he hadn't changed, he was just lonely and new I'd be around, I wanted to cry because the tall blond musician had found someone else, someone so much more perfect than I could ever be, that he had confirmed all my fears, and that I wasn't worth fighting for at all...just like Aric did (I mean, come on, if he had cared, he would have said something!), and I couldn't cry because I needed to be upfront to sing. *sigh*

I thought about this dream while I was getting ready this morning. I was more frightened that maybe it wasn't completely a dream. Sometimes my dreams show me something I haven't been able to put together before, or they confirm and idea, or it's just God's way of saying, "Look kid...here's the deal..."

What if it is? What if the despair was real and this has been a waste of my time? All this waiting and waiting and waiting...what if this is God's gentle way of telling me that I'm about to get my heartbroken again? What if "new friend Jenny" is real? I mean, I know she's actually a person, but what if she's winning his heart. What if all of this has been in vain?

I sound like Riley Armstrong's song "What If." Such a good song. I may have to make myself a mix. Something that will try to help me convince myself this is all in my head and that it's going to work out somehow. Or at least that my nightmare won't come true...